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| The Summary Version of LOTR by Lindorien | 33 Review(s) |
|---|---|
| Maeglin the Traitor | Reviewed Chapter: 3 on 2/15/2004 |
| *A tall and very elegant but severely dangerous First Age elf enters the room. He looks around at the wimpy Third Age crowd that is trying to sink into the shadows in his presence. He knows they are there, and they know who he is.* "Good evening, Lindorien. I am Maeglin Eolion, usually known as Maeglin the Traitor. I bring you greetings from beneath the precipice of Amon Gwareth." *The fear of the Third Age wimps grows as the icily cold elf draws a small parchment from his tunic. Maeglin casts a particularly baleful eye at the procrastinating hobbits. Never, he thinks, have they met the concept of the thought being father to the deed. They would not long have survived in Gondolin.* "I read this work and others of yours, Lindorien. They can bring a smile even unto my stern face. Today, I did read the reviews." *He looks around at those assembled, again noting the hobbits quivering.* "It pleases me that most of your reviews enter into the proper spirit, but Maegin, for all his evil, senses author abuse and is not pleased." *Unrolls the parchment and begins to read:* "Parody: A literary or musical work in which the style of a particular author or literary work is closely imitated for comic effect. . ." *Maeglin looks with sympathy at Lindorien and wonders why she seems nervous. Does she perhaps know of him? He thought she was from Gondor.* "I assume that all the assembled Third Agers here now recognize what Lindorien attempts? This is a PARODY of a scholarly work on LOTR and not an analysis in and of itself. This concept is clear? If not, in the parking lot await Curufin, Maglor and Maedhros. They could continue to explain further if you choose?" *A cold wind fills the room as Maeglin bows to the author and leaves, kicking a shire rat or two out of his path.* Author Reply: Lindorien is speechless. She gathers along with all the other Third Age folk about the remains of the fire. It is a fruitless attempt to dispel the chill left in the wake of the great Maeglin Eolin, but 'twill have to do. Relieved that her voice does not too badly when she finally does speak, and equally relieved that she did not disgrace herself by soiling her underwear when the awesome First Age Elf entered the humble common room of The Prancing Pony, Lindorien turns to the trembling crowd and announces. "Okay, nothing but happy words from here on out. Happy, happy, happy." All settle down - quaff down a Martini or two (hold the vermouth) and try to think of pretty rainbows and fluffy clouds. Lindorien looks about, not at all certain it is working, but decides it cannot hurt to try. Author Reply: gracious, Lindorien is so discombobulated. She is grateful that her voice does not SHAKE to badly. Unfortunately, she could not stop the trembling of her fingers as she typed. Perhaps another martini would do the trick... | |
| Squirrel | Reviewed Chapter: 3 on 2/15/2004 |
| Okay, so call me evil-and-picky, but I take exception to "the movie version is much better" because "one realizes that except for the Black Riders, most of it was extraneous." It was NOT extraneous! First of all, part of that conversation with Gandalf that you thought was boring? Yeah, it's almost word for word in the movie, except for some reason they stuck it in Moria instead. Gildor is not extraneous because it's the first time that Sam sees Elves. Which is important because Frodo thought that Sam was mostly coming with him to see Elves, and now that he's seen them his motivations have to change. Also, the "walking trees" conversation is important in hindsight. Do you not remember Treebeard asking Merry and Pippin about the Entwives? This is a hint to the reader that maybe there actually are Entwives still living near the Shire. Also, one of the best things about the book is the wonderful details about the lives of the characters that Tolkien provides. These details are what makes Middle Earth so vivid and real-seeming. Last thing, "pipeweed" is not weed. It is, and I quote (from the prologue) "which they called pipe-weed or leaf, a variety probably of Nicotiana." So pipeweed is just a variety of tobacco, which is bad enough without having to make it an even worse drug. Okay, so maybe you already knew all that, but thinking the first part of FOTR is extraneous and that pipeweed is weed are too of my pet-peeves when it comes to Tolkien. I do like your writing style though, it is very funny and easy to read. Author Reply: Oh dear. I fear you shall find much else with which to take exception as this analysis continues. But that's okay. Protest away. Did I ever intimate that pipeweed was anything other than a variety of Nicotiana? Dear Squirrel - to think I would do that! I am wounded! I am aware of the Halfast's tale of the walking tree. I think I mentioned it somewhere in my reviews here. I meant to put it in the appropriate chapter and I forgot -- the weedsmoke, er, WOODsmoke was getting a little thick and the ale flowly a little too freely. I might have to edit. Or I might have to work it into the Council of Elrond - the long-awaited and shall definitely get written one of these days summaries. Gildor? Oh yes, Inglorion. I keep forgetting about him for we never hear from him again. Or does he show up at the Grey Havens at the end? I can't remember. So many names, so little time. Thanks for reading, Squirrel. Continue to scream bloody murder. And if once in a while you chuckle, please do tell me. Lindorien | |
| Imrahoil | Reviewed Chapter: 13 on 2/13/2004 |
| I hope you haven't left this one for good. There a 5 (five)! books left to tear to pieces, so come on, someone just has to do it. Go for it, Lindorien! By the way, I love it (excepting those times when I was screaming blue murder) Author Reply: Nononononono! I have not left this one for good. It is simply...RESTING! I jest. The Council of Elrond is Forthcoming. Then shall the FIRST BOOK be done. Now -- where were you screaming blue murder? Tell me please. An author always likes to know that a reader is appalled by...er...APPRECIATES her work. Leave reviews after the appropriate chapters. I shall return to this. They are such thick books and take such STRENGTH of character to tear. ;) Lindorien | |
| runaround | Reviewed Chapter: 13 on 12/25/2003 |
| *bows* And I'll be looking forward to it with anticipation. Hahahahahaaaa....... I can't wait to read the rest. Author Reply: hehehe neither can I. | |
| runaround | Reviewed Chapter: 8 on 12/24/2003 |
| I think the poem is from where Frodo first calls gollum Smeagol. At least in the movies it is. I don't quite remember where that was, though. I love these reviews, though. Sarcasm is a favorite thing of mine. Author Reply: Ah, Runaround! So glad that you are enjoying these. Sarcasm is likewise a favorite thing of mine. Gets me in more trouble though. Yes -- that is where the poem was from in the movie. You are correct. Maybe I was thinking Ithilien instead of Henneth-Annun? Do I care? Probably not enough to do anything about it. But in the revised, revised, Extended Three box set of these Summary Versions I shall be certain to fix the error. Coming to an archive near you December 2004 -- The Return of the Summary Version of the LOTR. Okay, I'll shut up now. Back to the Poker Finals. Thanks for reviewing, I love hearing that somebody is enjoying these. Lindorien | |
| Orophins Dottir | Reviewed Chapter: 13 on 12/18/2003 |
| I bring a message from Elrond of Rivendell, "Long ago, we fought and. died together. . ." Wait. I got the wrong parchment. That was Haldir's. Good March Warden. Not a good navigator. Ended up at Helm's Deep rather than Dol Guldur. Much weeping. Anyway, the good Master of Imladris says thus: "Frodo, lasto beth nīn, tolo dan nan galad." THAT, he growled for me to tell you is what he said in that overlit moment of angst. He hath never let the phrase "something, something, nungala" across his fair lips. Tis not an elven expression. Sounds dwarven. Imladris is a center of elven learning he would have you know. Yes, she-elf with broken nail could NOT "withstand the might of Mordor"! Plus, she does not carry a jeweled flask of miruvor. You tell em, Lindorien! They will listen to you! (Want to arm wrestle for Glorfindel?) Council of Elrond. Impassioned Gondorians. Irate Dwarves. Arguing elves. Erestor and Tom Bombadil. No wonder Glorfindel gave it a miss. Humble Scribe, etc. Author Reply: Naw! I won't arm-wrestle for Glorfindel. I'm busy with that Impassioned Gondorian. Turns out Boromir likes girls. Who knew? Guess I'll have to rewrite the epic I was working on "The Merry Men of Middle Earth." | |
| Orophins Dottir | Reviewed Chapter: 12 on 12/18/2003 |
| Housekeeping: Even Tolkien would not dress the nazgūl in a "black clock"? I haven't read the chapter of the care and maintenance of morgul blades in a bit but. . . Still, the idea of a wraith dressed in a black clock hath interesting possibilities for ficdom? Loved the first aid kit of a Ranger. Aethelas--don't leave home without it! Enter the POWERFUL Glorfindel. I trembled for his safety in the hands of an Osgiliathan (Osgiliathor? Resident of Osgiliath?). Being powerful, he did escape with but a few minor bruises. If one's name can easily be translated as "Goldilocks" and you are the last of the "House of the Golden Flower", it is a good thing to be POWERFUL. Hail, Glorfindel! Humble Scribe to his Majesty Thranduil Author Reply: "His name is Goldilocks? Of the House of the Golden Flower?" Lindorien said slowly, pushing away images of three bears and an old Shirley MacLaine movie involving a Geisha. Yes -- it was indeed a black clock. The Clock of Rages. Mental note to self: No longer attempt to do Research of a Serious Nature late at night after dipping into the miruvor eggnog. | |
| Elvenesse | Reviewed Chapter: 11 on 12/17/2003 |
| Does this mean that you are going to write more now? It's a long time since you wrote this last chapter. I like your Dirty Faramir Poetry, I know he wouldn't really do that, and I know you know he wouldn't really do that, and I know that I've just lost myself there... Author Reply: Yes -- it means I shall write more now. I am in the midst of a very long project and I need diversion. Regarding Dirty Faramir Poetry, I know that you know that I know that he would not really do that -- it was why it was listed as humor, but I upset some people badly with it. So I pulled it and am working on a replacement entry titled 'Captain of Ithilien' which is bound to be at least as offensive, but which I am stealing from Gilbert and Sullivan and therefore cannot simply change a word or two and submit for publication in the real world. In fact, Captain of Ithilien could lead to an entire Gilbert and Sullivan Version of LOTR. I know my Gentle Readers shall be waiting with baited breath. But I must finish the Hanukah Version of LOTR first -- Friday is the first night and those boys want their Geld. Faramir's a chocoholic -- did you know that? | |
| Orophins Dottir | Reviewed Chapter: 11 on 12/16/2003 |
| Longshanks. Had forgotten that Tolkien used that for Mr. Scruffy. (Not elven, not in memory bank.) Well, I stole it from Edward I for my story. You know, Tall Eddie. Son of Hank III. Causing problems for Willie Boy Wallace around the 11th/12th Century. I'm Scottish. We know from William Wallace. Some people get Mother Goose at bedtime. I got William Wallace. Explains a lot, doesn't it? Update, wench! I have three more loads of laundry to do! Humble Scribe and DEVOTED SERVANT to his Majesty Thranduil Author Reply: I'm a yank. We are hopelessly uneducated. Mel Gibbons movie, right? Okay -- shall update soon. It requires dragging book off shelf, opening and reading. Then I must quiet helpless peals of laughter as I try to remind myself why I find the whole thing so damned fascinating. Go read your Gilbert and Sullivan...I've dozens of characters yet to assassinate! It's really funny, cause in the hit count everybody is going right for the 'Strider' chapter. Guess I'm not the only one who finds Tom Bombadil less than fascinating. | |
| Orophins Dottir | Reviewed Chapter: 10 on 12/16/2003 |
| Am I the only one who saw/read the parody of Bergman's "The Seventh Seal" wherein, rather than chess, someone is "playing checkers with death"? My guess is it would be a hobbit. Probably Pippin. Possibly Merry. Frodo would just be warning them against the match. Bilbo would steal the board. Humble Scribe, etc. P.S. I am going for a glass of wine. I know thee. Thou willst hurt my elves and I shall laugh and hate myself in the morning. Author Reply: Oh, Dear. I have not gotten to the elves. I found this thing under a rock on my disk drive and decided to give it an airing. I need something to divert me from some serious stuff I am working on and my Dirty Faramir Poetry is only getting me into trouble. But...you gotta know that when I *DO* do Flight to the Ford, the whole Arwen/Glorfindel debacle shall be explored fully. My Gentle Readers expect no less from me. Actually, I think they might expect far less from me. Far, far less. Sigh. | |