Chapter Thirty-nine

A tall slender figure stood halfway down a gently sloping hillside, looking up at a small figure sitting at the top of the hill next to an old tree stump. Merenwen sighed quietly to herself as she watched Linwe. Merenwen knew, would have known without being told, what weighed so heavily on her friend’s heart. Merenwen hadn’t needed the letter from Linwe telling the news of Frodo’s decision to leave Middle Earth and his wife behind.  Merenwen had known all along that this was the way it would be. Lord Elrond had known there had only been one choice that Frodo could make, but still he had insisted that Frodo and Linwe be made to believe in other possibilities. Always, Frodo’s leaving had to be kept as the least wanted possibility.

~~~~~

A light evening breeze blew the hair from her face. Soft, springy grass invited her to keep her seat where she was or to even spend the night. Linwe looked all around, soaking up the peace and tranquillity of her surroundings. Part of her wanted to go inside to be with Frodo. To not waste a single moment of the time they had left together. Another part of her wanted to stay where she was or even to take off walking in the evening stillness without bothering to come back. She wondered to herself how she had come to this. In her heart she heard the answer. Because she loved him.

She had loved Frodo from the very moment she had first laid eyes on him. Maybe even earlier if that was possible. She had dared to give of herself to him in anyway he would accept happy for each little bit but always hoping for a little more. Then she found her moment. She had an opportunity to convince Frodo to open his heart to her in such a way that he could never close her out again. All she had to do was give herself to him in physical completion. Linwe had given no thought to what the consequences of such giving would be. If she had she would not have known them anyway. When she gave herself to Frodo she did not know that he might one day need to leave his home behind. When he did tell her she agreed to go with him, without hesitation. She still would. Then she learned that she would not be allowed to go with him after all, but by then she was deliriously happy. She could not believe that Frodo would not find sufficient peace and strength to live out his life at her side. She had spoken to Frodo so bravely of being content for what ever time she could have with him, even if only a day. It was easy to be brave when she did not understand the depth of the sacrifice.

One happy summer was all that they had had. A few months of blissful belief that all would be well and wonderful. Autumn came, his pain returned worse than it had been before. Linwe knew that as well as Frodo had. She steadfastly refused to say anything of it. She had hoped that with the following summer they would be happy again. Surely they could get through the winter, every winter. Steadfast hope was challenged again. She became so dreadfully ill only to wake to the news that she had lost a baby she had not known she carried. With that news she had felt the loss of some hope. Frodo became ill again in March. Another black anniversary. Linwe’s hope slipped a little further. With Frodo’s decision to leave with the Elves, Linwe’s hope diminished to near nothingness. Linwe often questioned now the wisdom of her actions that night nearly a year ago. She could have walked away from Frodo that night. They could have gone in much in the way they had been each of them content with what they were able to share. Maybe that would have been better. Perhaps they would not be hurting so much now. "This is all my fault," she thought to herself.

"No it is not."

Linwe turned in surprise at the sound of one of the comforting voices she had know all of her life. "Merenwen! How long have you been there?"

"Long enough, my little one," she said as she took a seat next to Linwe. Hobbit and Elf shared a long embrace. Merenwen pulled back then looked deeply into Linwe’s eyes examining their depths by the light of the stars above. "It is not you fault. If anything your bold actions have saved you and Frodo much heartache. If you had left him alone that night to continue on living as the two of you had been then in a few months time you would be sitting on this hill top wishing you had taken the little time there was to love one another freely while he was here. Frodo would have shared those regrets. No matter what happens now, no matter where either of you go, you will always have the comfort of having given yourselves this time."

~~~~~

"What are you doing?" asked Frodo, his voice hushed and sleepy sounding from just having woke up.

"I am memorizing your fingers," replied Linwe as she continued carefully examining Frodo’s left hand.

"Why are you memorizing my fingers?"

"So that I will always be able to see them and feel them. I plan to memorize every inch of you. Every hair, every dimple, every crease in your skin. I want to be able to always be able to think of you and remember. Besides that, I am finding this most interesting as well. Did you know that there are tiny little ridges on the pads of your fingers and that the ridges form little loops and swirls? Look I have them too," said Linwe, while holding one hand up for Frodo to examine.

Frodo looked at Linwe’s hand, "They are rather interesting to look at. I take it you have never noticed these ridges before?"

"Oh, I think I have sort of always known they were there, but it is one of those little things that we all tend to take for granted. Like grass, have you every taken the time to really look at a blade of grass, or to examine the ground the grass is growing from?"

"I can’t say that I have looked at grass closely, but I do remember spending a lovely morning on a sandbar along the Brandywine, carefully examining grains of sand."

"Oh now that is interesting. Frodo, why don’t you and pack up a picnic then go somewhere to look at grass or sand?

"It sounds lovely, but tomorrow is our anniversary, we will be having guests here in the evening, so I would guess that there is plenty to be done around here in preparation."

"Not so much as you might think. Rosie and I got an awful lot done yesterday. There are some things that need I need to do this morning, but I can have those tasks and a picnic made up by late morning."

Frodo thought for a moment, "A picnic would be nice, but what about Merry and Pippin?"

"What about them?"

"Well they are arriving today; we should probably be here to greet them."

Linwe shrugged, "I don’t see why we should. Merry and Pippin have been coming and going as they pleased for so long now, besides, we don’t know when they will arrive. They tend to be a bit vague about getting places at certain times. Besides, Merry and Pippin will not mind if we are not here when they arrive."

"That is true. Very well, we shall go on a picnic this afternoon and give careful consideration to blades of grass and grains of sand," declared Frodo.

~~~~~

"Well, Sam have you any news for Pippin and I today?" asked Merry. Merry and Pippin had arrived at Bag End just an hour before. Frodo and Linwe were out on a picnic. Rosie had taken Elanor to settle in for a nap. Sam, Merry, and Pippin had retired to Sam’s tool shed to have what was now a fairly familiar discussion. "I have nothing different to tell you from what I wrote to you in a letter just five days ago, nor in the letter before that. And there has not been anything to tell you that is different from the last four times you visited. There appears to be only one thing the matter with Frodo and Linwe, and we know about that. It is the baby. They are still sad for the loss of the baby. They both want very much to start a family. If Linwe had not had the miscarriage she would be due to give birth about now." Sam heaved a heavy sigh, "I am starting to agree with Rosie, what ever the matter is with those mysterious scars that Frodo and Linwe share, it is something that is between them and none of our business unless they should choose to tell us."

Merry frowned in concentration, "On the matter of them having children. Has there been any sign that Linwe might be with child again? Has Rosie noticed anything? I talked with my mother about this and she said that Linwe would have been fit enough to conceive again a few months ago."

Sam looked at Merry in shock, "I can not believe that you have been discussing what is a private matter between Frodo and Linwe with your mother!"

"Oh well, we were not discussing Frodo and Linwe specifically. I was curious and concerned for their well being so I decided to ask my mother a few questions about miscarriages and things. Now, back to the original discussion, I am going to assume that Linwe is showing no signs of making any happy announcements of needing another wing added to Bag End. This leads me to wonder, are we certain that those two know what it is that has to be done to have children? "

Pippin giggled.

"I don’t think this is such a terrible thing to consider. We are after all, wanting to see to the best interest of two Hobbits who are very dear to us. As we all know it took a rather long time for Frodo and Linwe to conceive the first time. We have seen several months pass since Linwe should have been healthy enough to conceive and carry another baby, yet she is to the best of our knowledge still without child. We have all witnessed that Frodo and Linwe are at the very least affectionate with one another. We know that when a Hobbit lad is in his tweens, the lad’s father will tell the lad al he needs to know about what goes on between husbands and wives, and how babies are made. However, Frodo spent his tweens with Bilbo, who may very well have been too caught up in writing the tales of his own adventures and teaching Frodo Elvish to see to Frodo was properly instructed in matters closer to home, shall we say. What I am asking, is it possible that Frodo and Linwe do not know all that they need to and the first pregnancy was an accident."

"If what I heard, earlier today, is true, then we have nothing to worry about on that regard," said Pippin cheerfully.

"What did you hear?" demanded Sam.

"Why didn’t you tell me?" demanded Merry.

"Sorry, Merry, I meant to tell you. I heard it when I had gone to use the facilities. I meant to tell you, but on the way back through the square I ran into Diamond North Took of Long Cleave. You know I think she may be the sweetest lass in all The Shire."

"Yes, Pip, now am I to understand that you heard this today while we were passing through Hobbiton?"

"Yes"

"Well then, what was it your heard?"

"And who told you, if I found out Tom Cotton has been spreading stories he ought not be spreadin’ then I am going to have his hide."

"What I heard came from Rorimac Bolger. It seems the other day he was walking along side The Water, a ways out of town, when he heard some voices coming from the other side of a clump of bushes. He crept up to see who was there. If what he told his friends is true then I don’t think we need worry about Frodo and Linwe knowing what it is they need to do."

Merry smiled, "This is interesting. Sam would you care to elaborate on what you heard from Tom Cotton?"

"You never mind what Tom told me." Sam’s face was getting noticeably red.

"Didn’t you say that Frodo and Linwe were out on a picnic this afternoon?" asked Pippin, his face glowing with mischief.

Merry tried to stifle a laugh.

"I don’t wish to hear anymore of this," said Sam as he rushed out of the shed blushing furiously.

~~~~~

"Linwe, why don’t you put Elanor down on her blanket, while you eat," Rosie suggested. A small crowd was gathered in front of Bag End to celebrate the first anniversary of Frodo and Linwe. Gathered to toast the happy couple were Sam, Rosie, Elanor, Merry, Pippin, Esmeralda, Saradoc, The Gaffer, and the entire Cotton family.

"Elanor does not want to be on her blanket. She wants to be here at the table with everyone else. Since I am her favorite Auntie and it is my party then I get to be the one to hold the sweet Elanor Fair."

"If you are her favorite Auntie it is because you spoil her," chided Rosie.

Linwe shifted Elanor so that she could look into the baby’s face, "Tell me, Elanor Fair, do I spoil you?"

Elanor fixed a stern steady gaze on Linwe then said, " ah la la oooo ah!!!" then shoved a fistful of pulverized bread into Linwe’s mouth.

"Mmmm, thank you Elanor. You are a kind and generous little lass," said Linwe, giving the baby a squeeze and a kiss. "Oh dear, I think my little friend here is in need of freshening up. If all of you will excuse us we shall not be long."

"Oh no, she is my grandchild," asserted Lily Cotton," and this is your party, I will not have you risk spoiling that beautiful frock of yours by changing a baby."

"I’m sorry, Mrs. Cotton, but I am already up, and it would not be the first time I have changed Elanor today while wearing this dress. I will tend to the needs of my favorite niece."

"She is your only niece," called Merry to Linwe’s retreating figure. Linwe turned mid stride to look back at Merry, stuck her tongue out at him, then continued on her way.

"Oh, now that was charming. Frodo, your wife has lovely manners," teased Merry.

"At least I have a wife, which is more than I can say for you. Come to think of it, I have heard you on more than one occasion tell my wife that she would have been better off if she had married you," retorted Frodo.

"And so she would have too, after all, I am the future master of Buckland. She could have stood at my side as the head of the entire Brandybuck family. You, my dear cousin, only have this comparatively small hobbit hole and whatever scanty wealth that old grouch Bilbo left you."

"The current Master of Buckland would like to point out to the heir presumptive, that I have the authority to name another as heir to the title. You, my dear boy, could end up with nothing but Crickhollow, a house, that if I remember correctly, is still owned by none other than the same cousin you have seen fit to belittle. You know, son, I think I might reconsider keeping you as heir apparent. Frodo seems to have grown into a solid responsible lad. He seems well aware of his responsibilities and duties to family and community. I think he would make a fine Hobbit to take on the tasks of being head of the Brandybuck clan."

Merry snorted, "Pardon me, esteemed father, if I fail to feel threatened by your proposal. You could never name Frodo heir for two very important reasons. The first being obvious, the Brandybuck’s will never follow someone who does not wear the name Brandybuck. Second and most important, half of Buckland still sees him as nothing more than a terror who frequently set their live stock loose and freely consumed their produce and baked goods."

Everyone was laughing at this exchange when Linwe came out of the hole with a clean and tidy Elanor, "Well, what have I missed?" she asked as she walked across the garden.

"Uncle Paladin is thinking of naming your husband the next Master of Buckland," said Pippin.

Frodo watched as Linwe laughed with the others. He liked to watch her laugh. He liked seeing her surrounded by family that loved her. It assured him that she would

be well cared for after he was gone.

Dinner lasted about an hour longer. Hobbits could stretch a good meal for days if they wanted to. Towards the end of the meal, Elanor started to fuss. "All right, Linwe, now you have to give up your prize. She needs to go inside for a proper meal of her own then it is off to bed with her," said Rosie. Frodo did not miss the wistful expression that clouded his wife’s face. Their own lost child was never far from Linwe’s mind. Sometimes when she sat with him in his study while he worked, he would see her take her eyes from her book or knitting, look down at her own flat belly then rub it while sighing sadly. If she had not got sick, then they would likely have had to pass on the anniversary party, as it was too near to her time to give birth. Frodo once again wondered if he would still be planning to leave if he were now an expectant father.

As Rosie settled Elanor in her cradle for the night the others all pitched in to clean up from dinner. This was not difficult since every bit of food had been eaten. The musicians in the group got out their instruments to tune them. By the time everyone was settled once more in the garden, Rosie’s brothers got the evening’s music started. Rosie’s youngest brother liked to experiment with music, by having the instruments switch parts around, speeding up or slowing down the tempo, or adding flourishes to the melody. Then it was Merry and Pippin’s turn to perform. They played a Gondorian love song they had learned during their stay in Minis Tirith. They had played it on Frodo and Linwe’s wedding day. It was now Frodo and Linwe’s favorite song. Some evenings they would hum it to themselves while dancing in their room or Frodo would sing it softly to Linwe as they lay together in their bed.

The music took immediate hold on Frodo and Linwe. Frodo stood up, then without a word offered Linwe his hand, she accepted. Together the went to an open area in the garden. Merry and Pippin could feel something special in the air as the watched Frodo and Linwe assume their places ready to dance. Inspired by the moment Merry and Pippin paused in the music, and then started the song over from the beginning, with Pippin singing the words in his sweet tenor voice. The rhythm of the music started out slow and gentle. Frodo and Linwe’s movements were graceful as well as somehow shy. As Esmeralda watched she was reminded of the feelings she had the first time she had seen Saradoc looking at her with that first shy awareness of love. She felt Saradoc’s hand close gently over hers and new he was remembering that moment as well. The rhythm picked up speed, bringing to mind gentle smiles and holding hands in the first careful steps of courtship.

To really love a woman

Let her hold you-

Until you know how she needs to be touched

You have to breath her - really taste her

Until you can feel her in your blood

And when you can see your unborn children in her eyes

You know you really love a woman

As the music progressed, Frodo and Linwe’s fluid movements took those watching through the phases of new love. While their movements spoke of sweetness and innocence, Rosie was also had the strongest impression that she was witnessing something deeply intimate even timeless.

When you love a woman you tell her she’s the one

She needs somebody to tell her

That its going to last forever

So tell me have you ever really,

- really, really ever loved a woman

Just tell me have you ever really,

really, really, ever loved a woman?

The song came to its end. As the last note drifted off on the summer evening air, Frodo and Linwe’s dance ended with them in each other’s arms. No one said anything. They were mesmerized by what they had witnessed. Later each would recall other times they had witnessed such a moment between Frodo and Linwe, whether it was when they first met or were married. Frodo led Linwe silently away into the gathering twilight.

Author’s Note-Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman. From the Don Juan deMarcos soundtrack. I love the song and I could imagine it being played on lute and guitar by some love struck troubadour of Minis Tirith.

The song performed by Merry and Pippin, for Frodo and Linwe’s dance was, in my mind, Bryan Adams’ song

The music I describe for the performance by the Cotton brothers was inspired by a favorite CD of mine titled Untamed. It is a CD of assorted artists playing traditional Celtic with a contemporary flourish.