Chapter Thirty-eight

"Linwe, you forgot your cloak." Rosie called out from the front door of Bag End. Sam looked up from where he was working to watch a despondent Linwe walk back up the garden path to allow Rosie to drape the cloak about Linwe’s shoulders, as though she were a child. Sam turned to Frodo who was working a few feet a way from him, Frodo’s gaze was on Rosie and Linwe as well. "Linwe, is not herself today, and I don’t mind telling you, Mr. Frodo, that she has me a little worried."

Frodo sighed, "I know, Sam. I am worried for her myself."

"Do you suppose she is coming down with something? She seemed well enough yesterday morning. Last I saw her she was humming to herself going off to talk to you then the next thing I hear she was in bed with a headache, and I didn’t see her again until dinner, where she looked all peaked. Now today she has been walking around like she isn’t aware of what is going on around her. Would you like me to go fetch healer Burrows to come take a look at her?"

"No, Sam, there is nothing that healer Burrows can do for her."

"Then what is the matter. Is it the baby she lost? Rosie said Linwe was crying hard over that the other day."

Frodo kept his gaze on Linwe’s retreating figure. She was on her way to pick up a couple of things in town. Frodo thought for a moment of catching up with her then decided she might be better off walking by herself a bit. He knew when she was troubled by something she liked to go off walking alone. "Yes, Sam, it’s the baby," said Frodo with a sigh. It was an easy way to keep anyone from discovering the truth. "Esmeralda told me that some days Linwe would likely be the same as she ever was, other days would be hard. It will take time but she will get better."

~~~~~

Frodo climbed into bed. He was tired. He had spent the better part of the day helping Sam get the soil turned in the flower beds in preparation for planting. Frodo hadn’t really the strength for it, but he didn’t want Sam to know. Frodo wanted Sam to believe all was well.

As soon as Frodo settled back against the pillows, Linwe had herself snuggled up to him. Frodo put his arms around her to pull her closer. "Linwe, you are starting to worry Sam and Rosie." Linwe said nothing. "I told them it is on account of the miscarriage. I hope that was all right." Linwe said nothing. "I know I am asking a lot of you to keep so much from Sam and Rosie. You know what it would do to Sam if he knew."

Linwe sighed, "I know, I don’t want he and Rosie to know either."

"Linwe, I know you were angry with me for making this decision without telling you that I was carefully considering it to begin with, but now I am wondering if I ever should have told you at all."

Linwe looked up at him in alarm, "Why ever would you think that?"

"Because you are so unhappy now. Maybe if I had not said anything I could have kept it all to myself. Maybe we would have been able to spend the next several months just being happy. I hate that our last days together you will spend with this cloud hanging over you. I can not even allow you to confide in Rosie. I fear this is all too much for you."

"No, Frodo, it is better that you told me. It is true that I am hurting now, and that I will continue to hurt from this. But I don’t want you to hide all that you are truly feeling from me. That is not the way I want to love you. This is hurting you too, I know that. I am sorry for the way I have been behaving since you told me. It was just the shock. I had let myself come to believe that you would never have to go. I have been upset with myself for thinking that. If I had been honest with myself and with you, then we would have started discussing all of this months ago. You should not have had to come to that decision on your own. I am sorry for that."

"And I am sorry for not telling you that I was considering it. I admit, I started thinking about it that day last October when I nearly hit you with the shovel," Frodo sighed, "I suppose I didn’t say anything just because it made it all to real. As long as I said nothing, I could make my plans all the while telling myself that the plans would never be needed. As long as I never told you what was truly on my mind then it would not come true."

Linwe sighed. In the dim light of a single candle Frodo could see a mildly self mocking smile on her face. "I suppose we were both foolish. However, no more of that nonsense. From now on we share everything. I for one would like to let you go, knowing I did all that I could to make your leaving easier."

"Is that even possible? Is there anyway to make this hurt less?"

"I don’t know. I can tell you that I truly believe that given the choice of two hurts that I would rather take this one of knowing now what is to come, than to find out at the last possible moment. At least this way I can be sure to not squander a single moment."

"I must confess. I seriously considered not saying a word to you until the last possible moment. In fact, I was thinking it might be best to just get up one night and leave while you were sound asleep. I thought I would leave a letter for you on my pillow, to explain everything."

"Frodo Baggins! That would have been cruel. I can hardly believe you would have seriously considered depriving me of saying good bye to you."

"My love, I only wanted to keep you from hurting as much as possible."

"Not letting me say good bye would have only caused me to live the rest of my life in pain."

"Yes, so I eventually decided for myself. I also feared you would do something foolish like try to come after me."

"Now there is an interesting thought," said Linwe with a playful gleam of mischief in her eye. Her look then became more serious, "I must ask, are we absolutely certain that it would not be better to tell Sam, Rosie, Merry, and Pippin of your plans?"

"I have thought for sometime on that as well and I have decided that it is best that they do not know. They do not understand as you do how much I still hurt. What do you think they would likely do if we told them?"

"I think Rosie would be more understanding to your needing to leave, however she would have a difficult time accepting that I must stay."

"Sam, Merry, and Pippin, would have just as difficult of a time with that. I can see them all getting angry over it. I can easily see Merry and Pippin riding off to Rivendell to take the matter up with Lord Elrond."

"Do you suppose that would do any good? Maybe we should tell them. Let them ride off to Rivendell. Maybe Lord Elrond would listen to them and let me come with you."

"No, Linwe, it would be of no use. Lord Elrond would not have forbidden you from coming with me if he did not have good reason."

"But what is that good reason? If I am forbidden to go with my husband, to stay at his side then I think I should at least be allowed to know exactly why."

"It isn’t really all that difficult to understand. Linwe, you have never been away from your home land. You don’t know how hard it is to get on in a place where there are few people that are like yourself. Right now, you believe that nothing would be terrible about spending the rest of your life living among Elves with me. I think it would be far more difficult than you realize. Their culture is very different from our own."

"I know perfectly well that their culture is different, Frodo," Linwe said with irritation, "I was the one who was raised, at least in part, by an Elf."

"Yes, but Merenwen is also the only Elf you have ever known, and you have only seen her here in Hobbit surroundings. Merenwen can be quite Hobbit like herself. I am afraid that you would find the rest of Elf-kind to be far different. You would likely find Merenwen herself to be most different when surrounded by her own people."

"I can accept that life with the Elves in Valinar would be different from my life here. But you would be there. I think I could get along well enough."

"My love, of course you believe that, but you can not be completely sure of it. I myself never really wanted to go. Lady Arwen, gave me her necklace and her place on the ship. I was grateful to her for it but I had hoped from that very moment that there would be no need for me to leave. This is my home, Linwe, even if I did not have you I would not want to leave it. Because I have you, I believe I held on to the hope longer that I would yet be able to stay. I believe that Lord Elrond had good reason for not allowing you to go. I also believe that telling Merry and Pippin of my plans then allowing them to ride off to Rivendell would be of no use."

"You would give up that easily? What does Lord Elrond know of me? How can he possibly know what would be best for me?"

"How well does Merenwen know you?"

"As well as you do. She has known me all of my life."

"And hasn’t she been the one to tell Lord Elrond about the visions you were having during the quest. Was it not her who told him that we were falling in love long before I myself was able to accept how I felt for you? Dearest, do you honestly believe that Merenwen would have meekly accepted Lord Elrond’s decision without arguing on your behalf?"

"Well, no, but..."

"Linwe, Merenwen loves you and would only want what is best for you. Not once in all of this has she ever led us to believe that Lord Elrond might be wrong. In fact she has gone out of her way to insure both of us that all would be for the best whether I stayed or left. Merenwen who has known you all of your life and has had a hand in shaping you into the person you are now, is accepting Lord Elrond’s decision. Can you at least accept her opinion in the matter."

Linwe sighed then snuggled back up to Frodo, "Yes, I can. Merenwen has never failed me before."

~~~~~

Frodo and Sam both looked up to see a radiant Linwe step into Frodo’s study carrying a small blanket wrapped bundle. "I hope you gentle Hobbits don’t mind this intrusion, but the newest lady of the house wishes to meet her Uncle Frodo." Linwe crossed the room to where Frodo sat then started to hand the baby to him, "Shouldn’t Sam be the one to hold her?" Frodo asked in protest.

"I’ve already held her and I am sure I will be holding he quite a bit for some time to come. Go ahead and take her Mr. Frodo, it seems only right since you have just named her."

Frodo allowed Linwe to lay her burden in his arms, she then folded back the blanket to reveal a diminutive pink face. Frodo watched in fascination as a pair of dark shining eyes revealed themselves to look gravely up at him. "She is beautiful, Sam, her name suits her."

"What is her name?" asked Linwe.

Sam smiled, "Since I can’t really name my daughter after Frodo, and you have made it perfectly clear you will not allow her to be named after you, I asked Frodo if he would suggest a name. It is a very special name to me. With Rosie’s approval we will be calling her Elanor."

"After the flowers in Lothlorien!" exclaimed Linwe softly, "That is the perfect name. Rosie will approve." Linwe looked down at her new niece, "Well, Little one, what do you think? From now on will you be known as Miss Elanor Gamgee?" The baby in Frodo’s arms shifted her gaze towards Linwe, blinked once then closed her eyes with a contented sigh. Linwe laughed, "I suppose she likes it."

"I should go tell, Rosie," said Sam.

"Yes, you should, and you need to take Elanor back with you. Rosie should be holding her daughter when giving approval of her name." Linwe reached to take the baby from Frodo.

"I don’t suppose you would bring her along?" Sam said nervously.

"Sam! Don’t tell me you are afraid to carry your own child through the whole to her mother?" Linwe was incredulous.

"I am afraid I will drop her, and you’ve already proven that you can carry her quite safely."

Linwe leveled a steady gaze at Sam. "Samwise Gamgee, you will take your daughter and carry her back to her mother. With no more of this nonsense of fretting that you might drop her." With that Linwe handed Elanor over to her nervous father.

"I will take her, but I can’t promise to not fretting." Sam turned slowly around then with extreme care walked down the hallway towards his and Rosie’s bedroom.

Linwe sighed as she watched them go. Frodo reached up to take her hand then pulled her down to sitting on his lap in an oft repeated movement. He held her close, nuzzled her ear with his nose making her giggle, then inhaled the fragrance of her hair. Summer, she always smelled of summer. "Was that a sad sigh I heard from you just a moment ago?"

"Yes"

"Would you care to tell me what causes you the sadness?" Frodo asked but he already had a good idea of what the answer was.

"I was thinking that I came so close to seeing you with that ‘new father glow’ about you. Maybe if we were having a baby you wouldn’t have to leave?"

Frodo kissed her temple and held her a little tighter, "There is also the chance that I would have had to choose to leave anyway, then you would have been left to raise our child alone."

"Maybe I will become pregnant again sometime in the next couple of months. Maybe that will help you. Maybe having a complete family to love you would be just what is needed to surpress the darkness for good."

"And maybe it wouldn’t. What if you hadn’t lost the baby, then what if one night I was caught up in a nightmare and I pushed you."

"That would not happen."

"It did happen. It happened one fateful night last June. You came into my room, you found me sleeping in my chair having a nightmare. You tried to wake me and I threw you across the room. I woke up to find you unconscious on the floor. The very event that led to our coming together could lead to my losing you, and if you should be happen to be carrying our child, I would lose that child too."

"Are you saying you are glad I lost the, baby?"

"No! It broke my heart. I wanted the baby as much as you did. I still had hope then that I would not have to leave. I had dreams of us raising our family along side Rosie and Sam’s. I would give just about anything to change what happened, to make it so we would be sitting here looking forward to the birth of child. But I can’t. All I have left is this time with you, and I do not want to take any unnecessary risks with that time."

Linwe sighed heavily, "I really do not like it when you are right and you have been right all too often of late."

Frodo smiled, "Yes dear, I know."