Advance author's note: 'Brian the Computer Nerd' was mentioned back in chapter 10 ("The Calm Before The Storm") of 'Don't Panic!'. The ability of elves to sense virginity (or rather the lack of it) in humans was used (and explained in a footnote) in Chapter 20 ("Open Mouth, Change Feet") of 'Don't Panic!'.

After the horrendous night before, both in terms of sleeping on rocks and being woken in the small hours by the butcher of orcs somewhere in the dark, Penny was grateful to have a full night's undisturbed sleep. She had also been exhausted from the long day's travel. The soft forest floor seemed like a four-poster compared to the shards of mountain rock she had bedded down on on top of Caradhras. She went to bed early and slept like a log.

"Up you get, sleepy." Mireth was gently shaking her awake.

Penny muttered something, turned and continued snoring. Mireth shook her again, saying her name.

"No, Brian, get off!"

Mireth blinked. "Who is Brai-yan?"

Penny sat bolt upright, suddenly wide awake.

"What? Eh? What did you say?"

Mireth sat back on her haunches, a bemused expression on her face.

"Who is Brai-yan?"

Penny went an interesting shade of pink. The ellith in the tent laughed.

"Is he your beau, Pen-ii?" Arwen asked with a smile.

"Husband, surely?" one of the elleth corrected her.

"No, she is not married…"

Eleniel suddenly stopped speaking and froze. She winced slightly. Even as she did so, a vaguely uncomfortable silence settled over the ellith for the briefest moment, before they suddenly became terribly busy. Penny furrowed her brows at them. What the hell was all that about? She was barely awake, for goodness sake!

"Forgive me, Pen-ii," Eleniel was murmuring. "I did not mean to embarrass you…"

"I am not embarrassed. Why would I be?"

Mireth and Eleniel exchanged a glance.

"No reason," Eleniel muttered, her smile plastering itself a little too quickly onto her face.

"No, indeed, no reason at all," Mireth agreed hurriedly. "Now, come on, up you get, we need to get moving soon."

Penny, still groggy, allowed herself to be pulled up to her feet, vaguely aware there was now whispering going on in a far corner of the tent. Arwen glared at the perpetrators who quickly scuttled outside to continue their gossiping elsewhere.

It was only as the splash of cold water hit her face as she washed, that Penny suddenly realised what all the fuss had to be about.

Of all the damn liberties…!

How bloody DARE they! Fair enough, things were very different round here concerning such matters, but that did not mean they had to…!

Penny felt a wave of embarrassment and fury hit her. This was personal, private, and how bloody DARE elves be able to 'sense' these sorts of things! She felt vaguely humiliated and hugely embarrassed that such a thing could become public knowledge so easily.

Wait a second… How had Mireth known his name was…?

"Mireth?"

Mireth looked up at Penny over breakfast.

"Was I talking in my sleep?"

Mireth grinned and sniggered. "I am sorry to say you were. Only as I tried to wake you, though."

Penny felt her face burn. What on earth had she said? She hoped to all things holy it was in English and thus incomprehensible. She decided she did not want to know.

A little while later and they had all started off through the trees once more, the light filtering down through the green canopy above. As Penny rode down the path, she spotted Lindir waiting for her to one side up ahead. As she neared him, she was not overly pleased to see he wore an amused expression, the sort of expression that, where Lindir was concerned, never boded well. When she finally reached him, he slowly fell into step beside her, a faint smirk forming on his face.

"Who is Breen?"

Penny could not have looked more shocked and appalled if he had whacked her in the face with a wet fish. She spluttered incoherently for a moment. Somewhere just behind her, Mireth slapped Celebdor on the arm hissing something about 'you and your big mouth, I told you not to tell anyone!'

"I do not BELIEVE this! Has this gone all the way round the camp?"

"Only that you were mentioning the name of someone in your sleep," he smirked, "and that you got very shy and embarrassed when you were asked about it."

He did not, of course, tell her what the rest of the gossip entailed. Celebdor had indeed told him about 'Bree-yin' (or something close to that), but Lindir had heard that and more from other sources. Lindir had been quick to reprimand those involved in spreading the 'and more': it was not the sort of thing that should be made public knowledge.

Lindir, as one of the small group who knew Penny well, had been told by her long before that she was not married and therefore had known for a long time what the 'situation' was. Gossip he may be, but there was gossip and then there was gossip, and besides which he considered Penny to be a friend of his.

He had not been surprised, though, when he had first realised. This was how humans were, and there was something about Penny that made it clear she behaved very differently from your average human and felt constrained by most norms of society, both human and elvish. He knew her too well to think her a 'loose woman', though. It had been a fiancée, perhaps? Given she was lying about her past, he suspected she may even be lying about not being married, though why this should be he did not know.

He would find out soon enough, he reasoned.

In the meantime, though, the idea that she was mentioning male names in her sleep was too good an opportunity to miss. She was so easy to goad and highly entertaining when irritated.

"I just wondered who he was, that was all," he continued, his voice calm as he tried to maintain a bearing of total innocence.

Penny tried 'covering tactics'. "What makes you so certain he is a 'he'?"

"Is he not?"

Penny looked shifty.

"So he is?"

Penny scowled.

"Ah, like that, is it?" Lindir sniggered.

"Could we drop this conversation, do you think?"

"But I am interested!" Lindir insisted.

"No, you are not, you just like tormenting people. How long will it take us to reach Caras Galadhon?"

"Do not change the subject. Tell me about Breen." The smirk was now a broad grin.

"His name is not 'Breen,' it is 'Brian,' and I do not want to talk about it."

"'It'?" Lindir could not help but laugh.

"It, him… same thing."

"Ah."

"What do you mean 'ah'?"

"Nothing," Lindir sniggered. "We shall get to Caras Galadhon tomorr-."

"Now you are changing the subject," Penny intervened hotly. "What do you mean by 'ah'?"

"Berating Lindir again, Lady Pen-ii?"

"Well, someone has to, Erestor."

"Very true."

Penny had never been so grateful for a Westron lesson in her life.

Lunch was, as usual, a fairly haphazard affair, with everyone helping themselves to fruit, what bread was left as well as a little cheese and then sitting in small groups under the huge trees. Penny spotted Arwen wandering through the groups as if looking for someone. As soon as she saw Penny, she beckoned her over, leading her away from the company a little distance under the shade of the trees. Even then she kept her voice down.

"I realise this is delicate, Pen-ii, and you must forgive me for even broaching the subject, but I wanted to let you know that..." Arwen paused, as if a little hesitant as to how best to continue. "Well, I have let it be known that you say you are not married simply because you have no memory of being so. With Ada's permission, I have also hinted that we suspect you may even be a widow, hence the… discrepancy."

Penny blinked. 'Discrepancy'? How delicately put.

"I realise things are…" Arwen paused, glancing round her before lowering her voice still further. "…different where you come from. However, this should stop the talk."

Penny was mortified.

"There has been talk?" she asked, incredulously.

It was stupid question, she told herself. Of course there would have been talk. She was surrounded by a horde of gossipy elves, wasn't she? They would not be able to help themselves. 'Damn elves poking their noses into things that are none of their damn business!'

Arwen smiled kindly and a little sadly. "You need not worry. Trust me. The perpetrators are feeling very much ashamed now my explanation has reached them, so I understand."

'Good!' thought Penny.

"Thank you, my lady. I would never have thought of such a thing myself. I am sorry, I am at a loss to know-"

"You do not need to apologise. It is not your fault that we elves are sensitive about certain matters, and I realise our ways are very different to yours. The fault lies not with you but with others who fail to see when something should not be broadcast from the treetops."

'Broadcast from the…!' Penny groaned inside, her sense of shame and humiliation growing all the while, and along with it a sense of supreme frustration and irritation with damn busy-body elves.

Arwen could sense her mixture of emotions and reached out one hand to stroke Penny's cheek in a gesture that was at once comforting, reassuring and vaguely maternal. She said nothing, but then nothing needed to be said.

Penny returned with her to the general company somewhat wary at first, given she was now well aware that the 'discrepancy' of her non-virgin-yet-unmarried status had been 'broadcast from the treetops' to all and sundry. As she sat down quietly next to Mireth and Naurdir, she felt very small and sad for a moment. It was not nice to be talked about and she could just imagine the sneering 'oh, well what do you expect from a mortal' tone that some of them might have used. Imagining that, though, was enough to ignite the fury within her.

Damn them! Damn them all! It was none of their bloody business! It was nobody's business, frankly, other than her own. It was THEIR problem, not hers!

"Just let someone say something. If just one person says one word…" she muttered angrily under her breath. "I dare them."

Woe betide any elf silly enough to try it.

It was difficult to stay angry long, though, given the surroundings. As they travelled eastwards at a moderate pace, the Celebrant gurgling away to their right somewhere, Penny could not help but gaze in awe at the massive mallorns that stretched away to either side of her.

And she knew that the ones in Caras Galadhon were bigger still.

She was walking, with Eleniel, alongside Arwen. Arwen had made a point of asking Penny to travel with her for the afternoon, as much to make it clear to the gossips that their actions of the morning were not appreciated, and that if Arwen did not have a problem with Penny then no-one else should either.

Penny realised what she was doing and was very grateful.

The sensation of the place was hard to define. Penny could remember the way Frodo and Sam had described it in the books, but she did not feel it quite as strongly as they had. Perhaps it was because she was not in the presence of the One, or because Nenya's power was already waning a little, or possibly even because, as a rubbish human, she was just less intuitive than a hobbit. Whatever the reason (and it could even have been a combination of all three), she felt something alright, but not clearly enough to be able to pin it down. Not that Frodo or Sam had been able to explain it terribly clearly either, she vaguely remembered. It was much like trying to describe the beauty of an elf.

Lothlorien was the living embodiment of everything elvish. Everything that hit you when you saw an elf before you, when you first heard them sing, was summed up in the trees Penny was gazing up at, in the grass she walked upon, in the flowers that littered the floor of every glade they passed through.

As weird as it sounded, she felt not exactly light-headed so much as refreshed and light on her toes. Her head seemed clearer than it had in ages, and the sunlight that filtered through the leaves or shone bright on her back in clearings, seemed to dance and sparkle, to infuse everything with a faint glow. Everything was very, very green. She was not entirely sure that it was not just her mind playing tricks on her, though, because if you tried to concentrate on it, it seemed to evaporate… and yet it remained.

It was all deeply odd. Pleasant, beautiful and very wonderful, but deeply, deeply odd.

Penny wondered if this was what it was like to trip out on mushrooms or E or some such.

Suddenly visions of elves off their faces and mooning about making V-signs flitted through her head: Elrond with flowers in his hair telling everyone 'to chill out, man, and be cool.' That image was enough to start her off into a peal of sniggers that she tried to cover as a coughing fit.

"Are you quite well, Pen-ii?" Arwen seemed a little concerned.

"Quite well, I assure you," Penny spluttered.

Not good.

"So, how are you finding Lothlorien?" Glorfindel asked her once they had stopped to camp down for the evening.

"It is wonderful!" Penny grinned back at him.

"Isn't it?" Glorfindel looked around him. "I do so love being here."

There was a wistful note to his voice and Penny looked at him a little quizzically. He saw her looking at him.

"It has changed a little," he explained quietly. "It is already not quite what it was."

She nodded. "Yes, well, after The One was destroyed…"

"Indeed."

'Strange,' Penny thought. 'I did not notice any change in Imladris.'

Glorfindel, whether he had guessed her mind or not, added: "Even in Imladris, though you might not have noticed. The power in Lothlorien was always the greater. But then, Lady Galadriel is no ordinary elleth."

'Yeah, thanks for reminding me of that,' Penny said to herself, as she felt her stomach tighten into knots again.

Over supper and the following day Penny noticed their numbers were swelling, if gradually, as more and more Galadhrim joined them. Much of the singing was now done by the locals, again mainly love songs and a few which told tales of Elrond's feats in battle or of Glorfindel and the glory of Gondolin. As the voices rose from in amongst the crowd, on occasion others would meet them from up above Penny's head somewhere. She would strain her eyes to try and see the singers in amongst the foliage but never managed to do so.

It was a little after lunch when Penny found yet again she was entering a clearing, only this seemed a lot larger than any they had encountered up till now. As soon as she saw the hill in its centre, the double row of trees on the top, and the grass littered with white and yellow flowers, she knew where she was.

"Cerin Amroth," she breathed.

She was riding between Erestor and Lindir, with a Galadhrim friend of theirs on the far side of Lindir – a tall, willowy ellon (well, taller and willowier than most ellyn usually were) by the name of Rhimlath.

"You have heard of it?" Rhimlath seemed a little surprised.

"Oh, yes, indeed. This was the centre of the ancient realm once, is that not so?"

Erestor smiled and Lindir raised an eyebrow at him. He had a strong feeling that Erestor had not told her this, though it was very possible he was imagining things.

"Indeed," Rhimlath beamed with pleasure. He then started off on a lecture entirely for Penny's benefit.

Erestor and Lindir exchanged a glance. Little did Penny know it, but Rhimlath was rather renowned for pontificating, and at length. It was only after a few minutes, as Rhimlath showed no sign of slowing down or stopping any time soon, that Penny realised she had been deserted. She glanced round to see Erestor and Lindir had hung back a little and were now chatting amiably together and just letting Rhimlath get on with it.

As they slowly made their way round the mound, keeping it to their left, several slowed or got off their horses and Penny saw quite a few elves she knew sitting in the grass, leaning back and enjoying some of the sun for a few minutes. She spotted Elrond and Glorfindel among them, and then noticed Arwen making her way upwards towards the double ring of trees, lost in her own thoughts.

Penny smiled.

Aragorn had done a similar thing when the Fellowship had paused here with Haldir. This was where he and Arwen had plighted their troth, after all. It had such significance for them both, and here she was now on her way to marry him, to fulfil that pledge, made here so many years ago.

Rhimlath was still going, giving Penny chapter and verse about she knew not what, but she was away in her own thoughts. Arwen had reached the outer ring of trees and let one hand trail against the white bark of the first she reached, its boughs now covered in dark green leaves, stark against its pale trunk. A faint smile played on her lips.

As she watched her, Penny suddenly remembered with sadness that Aragorn had left this place never to return. Then, even as that thought struck her and hit home, she realised that Arwen would return, but alone, and to die.

Suddenly she was not even pretending to listen to Rhimlath any more, but staring at Arwen as a lump formed in her throat. Behind her the chatter died as Erestor suddenly caught sight of her and trailed off in mid-sentence. He recognised that look, though he had not seen it for many months. Lindir was glancing between the two, wondering what was going on.

As Penny brought her horse to a halt, Arwen suddenly stopped and slowly turned to stare directly in Penny's direction, returning Penny's gaze levelly as their eyes met.

"… because of course, back then we… Oh, I say, is anything amiss?" Rhimlath had glanced back to realise he was talking to himself and had turned his horse to come back to Penny. Lindir and Erestor joined him.

"Pen-ii?"

Penny suddenly started, even though Erestor had not spoken loudly.

"What? Oh, sorry. Did we stop?"

"You did," Erestor continued. "Rhimlath was asking you if anything was amiss?"

"No… no, no," Penny replied a little too hurriedly. She was smiling and apologising but all three could see there was something wrong, some distress or concern in her eyes though she was covering it well.

"Lady Pen-ii?"

Penny glanced round to see Elrond was beside her.

No, he was the last person she needed to see let alone talk to right now. He really did NOT need to know that he had just been sitting on the site of his daughter's future grave.

"Excuse me… Rhimlath's history was so moving… to be amongst the Galadhrim at last… Lothlorien… too beautiful," she muttered hurriedly, urging her mare forward to get away from them all as quickly as she could.

Rhimlath looked incredibly smug, gave a nod of the head as if to say 'quite right too' and 'at least someone appreciates my knowledge' and quickly went after her to continue his lecture.

"Lady Pen-ii! If you found that informative, then just wait…!"

There was the briefest of 'moments' amongst the three ellyn left behind.

"What just happened here?" Lindir said quietly.

"I can guess at some of it, perhaps," Erestor said.

Elrond was quiet for a second. He had seen the tears in Penny's eyes, he had seen who she had been looking at, and that Arwen had returned her stare. He had sensed that his appearance beside her had been the thing that had upset her most.

"Perhaps, Erestor," he said quietly. "But I think I can guess nearer."

So saying, he walked to his horse and mounted it, determined never to come to that place again.

Nor did he.

Penny was quite grateful to have Rhimlath droning on at her for the next hour or so. The episode at Cerin Amroth had shaken her a little, if only because she had forgotten what that sort of thing could feel like – it had been a while, after all.

She was grateful, though, when Lindir managed to distract Rhimlath and persuade him that someone somewhere needed to know the finer details of some particular plant native only to Lothlorien. Rhimlath beamed and trotted on ahead to find them.

"Thank you." Penny smiled.

"You are welcome." Lindir grinned. "I would have warned you about him, but you gave him such an opportunity back there." He sniggered.

"You are too kind." She pulled a face. "I notice you and Erestor immediately abandoned me."

"Do you blame us?"

"Actually, no."

They continued in silence for a little while, letting the sound of a love ballad wash over them.

"Pen-ii," Lindir began. "About what happened at Cerin Amroth-"

"I do not want to talk about it." Something in her hurried tone made Lindir glance at her, his brow furrowed. She clearly meant it and was determined. She looked back at him. "Do not ask me again. I will not tell you."

"Never? It is not part of-"

"It is and it is not."

She suddenly looked very sad and Lindir found himself reminded of when she had first come to Imladris. What was going on?

"Pen-ii?" he asked gently.

But she merely shook her head and would not say anything more.

Soon after that, they broke through the tree line to be confronted by the outer walls of Caras Galadhon. The wide grassy area that encircled it meant they could walk several horses abreast easily now. Those on foot mainly kept to the paved, white walkway. To their left was the wide moat several metres across. Then towering above it was the green hedge of tall trees, knitted and interwoven, the branches grown one into the other to form an impenetrable barrier. Penny felt her heart in her mouth as she craned her neck upwards at the huge trees on the other side of it. She could never have imagined this sight in her wildest dreams.

"It is quite something, is it not?" Mireth said excitedly, coming to stand alongside her. It was Mireth's first ever visit to Lothlorien and she was probably looking forward to it nearly as much as Penny was.

Penny was speechless. All she could do was nod dumbly.

She offered Mireth her mare and the two travelled along the encircling path together. Lindir kept close beside them, chatting with Celebdor or else joining in with the songs.

After an hour or two there was a brief pause as everyone stopped. Penny was informed by Celebdor, who stood on his horse's back to see ahead, that a company of Galadhrim dressed in the white and silver livery of the guards of the Lord and Lady had come to greet the wedding march and lead them into the city.

It was late afternoon when at last they reached the gates, set between the overlap of the encircling band of trees. The songs had increased in volume and were met by voices from inside the city now. They passed over the bridge that spanned the water-filled ditch and through the open doors, huge and wooden, and with runes and designs carved within them that near glowed with mithril and jewels.

As Penny entered Lothlorien, she could scarcely believe it. The sense of 'unreal' reality had been increasing the nearer they had got to the city. The air positively hummed with light and singing and something utterly indefinable.

She half expected their arrival to be greeted by unseen Galadhrim singing at them from the trees above them, but instead the paths were lined with elves, some singing, some laughing and waving, and others just looking inordinately pleased that their kin from across the mountains were arrived at last.

Penny gave up trying to take it all in and just let it pass by her, lost in wonder and awe at it all. The size of the trees here was immense, like nothing she could have imagined, and she got dizzy every time she looked up to try and see where they might end.

'Dream come true' could not even begin to cover it.

They wound their way along paths and between trees, ever accompanied by songs and laughter, slowly climbing up the long, low incline of the massive hill on which the entire city was built. Dusk was drawing in and lights were being lit, twinkling in gradually increasing numbers high in the leaves above them. At last they reached a large clearing where those on horseback dismounted, packs were laid on the ground, and finally greetings could properly be made. Waiting for them were a large group of elves, many of whom immediately came forward to help with unloading the horses and began to lead them off to be refreshed and housed in stables and paddocks nearby.

At the centre of this group were more Galadhrim guards dressed in white and silver and in amongst them, two figures, male and female, standing tall and proud. The elf-lord was a good hand taller than Glorfindel (which was saying something), his silver hair flowing down his back. In the gathering gloom he seemed to shine, as if early starlight were already catching the traces of mithril threads in his white tunic or the pearls and opals at his throat. Holding his hand was an elleth as tall as he was. She was also in white, with hair like spun sunlight and a beauty rivalled only by Arwen out of all the ellith there. She was extraordinary.

Even Penny, obtuse, utterly ordinary, mortal Penny, could tell she was in the presence of two hugely powerful people. They emanated an energy that seemed to make the air around them both fizz.

It took only a moment for Penny to take all this in. As she did so, Celeborn and Galadriel's faces had broken into wide smiles. Elrond was greeting them loudly from afar even as he jumped from his horse. Arwen ran into her grandmother's arms as if she were a mere elfling once more.

Galadriel broke her hold on Celeborn's hand to hug Arwen tightly and kiss her brow, then pull back a little, holding her by her face to smile down at her and murmur something to her.

Elrond had now joined them and greeted his father-in-law with a slight bow and a broad smile.

Glorfindel and Erestor were not far behind him. Indeed, the entire glade was filled with hallooing and laughing, hugs and broad smiles everywhere you looked.

Transfixed on the other side of the clearing, Penny suddenly felt sick to her stomach with nerves.

1. The chapter title was going to be 'He's Not The Messiah, He's A Very Naughty Boy,' but I did not want to cause offence. It is a quote from Monty Python's 'The Life of Brian' and are, thus, very, very apt. /snickers/ What, me? Being a cow to Penny? But of course! Well, why break a habit when it's so much fun, right? ;P

2. I repeat the author's note from Chapter 20 of 'Don't Panic!' just for reference: " In HoME (Morgoth’s Ring) it says that elves can sense if someone is married or not. Now it doesn’t specify if this is just with other elves or if they can sense it with other races as well. Given elvish sensibilities, and the fact that we humans can make fairly accurate guesses based on someone’s demeanour as to whether they are a virgin or not, I do not think it too much of a stretch to say that elves can sense such things about humans pretty accurately. In Middle Earth, of course, sex would only come with marriage. Hence their shock at the idea that she is not a virgin and yet never been married."

3. Trivia moment: 'Rhimlath' was the name JRRT was originally considering for Orophin. It's in HoME, but don't ask me where because I forget now. ;P

4. *weeps for Elrond*

5. A 'fosse' (as JRRT describes the ditch in the chapter 'The Mirror of Galadriel' in FOTR) is equivalent to a moat and thus often/usually had water in it.