Going to Mordor was not the greatest test for the Ring-bearer and his faithful Samwise. With Rose out for an evening, putting five little hobbits to bed makes that trip to Mordor look like a quick hike to Scary.

1430 SR

       "Spdatt!" yelled little Pip triumphantly, waving his spoon.

       An Elvish curse from Sam caused Frodo to spin round, just in time to see his friend with a lump of well-aimed scrambled egg sticking to his forehead.

       "Pippin!" Frodo said reprovingly. "That's naughty!"

       Another lump of fast congealing egg hit Frodo full in the face and slid down onto his shirt and waistcoat.

       "Bugger!"

       Frodo-lad sniggered, then looked down and busied himself with his own supper as his uncle turned a chilly gaze on him.

       Sam tapped Pip's hand. "Naughty!" He grabbed the spoon and tried to feed his youngest son but Pip was upset and began to howl. Merry-lad joined in, upset that his brother was in trouble.

       "Merry Gamgee! Stop that noise at once!" Frodo sounded more than a little fraught. Rose had gone down to New Row to spend an evening with May and Ivy Sandyman, and he and Sam had volunteered to put the children to bed.

       "No!" shouted Merry. "Pip had more 'n me!"

       "No he didn't. He's just messing about with it. You've eaten yours. Now stop being silly and fill up the corners with some strawberries."

       "Don't like!"

       "Yes you do."

       "No!"

       "Very well, don't then. Go without." Frodo whisked the dish away, only to find Merry-lad stretching out his hands and screaming.

       "I'll put them over your head in a minute, my lad," Sam muttered, wiping his face and tossing the dish towel to Frodo.

       Merry decided to pre-empt his father, grabbed a handful of strawberries and ground them into his own hair, then threw some more across the kitchen.

       "That does it!" Frodo snatched Merry from his high chair and marched down the passage to the bathroom. Sam turned his attention to the rest of his offsrping.

       "Rosie-lass, you can go and get ready for bed. You two can pick up the toys and put them in the chest."

       "We didn't make a mess with them....." Ellie began but tailed off at the look on her father's face.

       "I don't care who made the mess. You can clear it up."

       "That's not fair!" Fro protested. "Why don't you make Mer clear them up? It's always us."

       "Your brother is having squashed strawberries removed from his hair at the moment." He paused as the screams from the direction of the bathroom confirmed that this was the case. "Now do as you're told or you'll all be going to bed without supper for the rest of the week."

       "There's a monster in the nursery." Rosie-lass said sulkily. "I'm not going by myself."

       "There are no monsters anywhere in the Shire and certainly none in Bag End. Now go and get ready for bed, or you'll make me cross."

       Rosie trailed off down the passage, muttering quietly. Frodo returned and Sam looked him over sympathetically. It was not easy to determine who was wetter - Merry-lad or his uncle. Water dripped off Frodo's curls, his brocade waistcoat was dark with water and his shirtsleeves sopping.

       "Don't say a word," Frodo said through gritted teeth. He grabbed Merry's nightshirt and dressed the lad quickly, ignoring the mutinous scowls.

       Baby Pip had managed to cover every surface with scrambled egg, as well as pressing it into his high chair, his hair, his clothes and the cat's fur. Sam lifted the baby and departed for the bathroom, which looked as though a hurricane had been through it.

       With Merry-lad safely back in his high chair for the moment, Frodo took the opportunity to clean up the mess Pip had made. Scraping dried egg off the wall was not something one could find a solution for in any book from Rivendell. He doubted little Elves hurled their food around. He found himself wondering if little Estel had been a bit of a shock to the likes of Glorfindel and Erestor. Killing a Balrog is one thing but dealing with a small child intent on mischief was something else again. He tried to keep himself amused by picturing a baby Dunedan flinging egg in Elrond's face, but decided that was too unlikely to have ever happened.

       Sam returned with a damp and furious baby and popped him into the now spotless high chair. Frodo was still scrubbing at the wall, muttering fluently in several languages. It occurred to Sam that Adunaic was quite expressive on these occasions.

       Ellie and Fro appeared, having tidied the parlour. Sam went to inspect their handiwork and then ushered them off to wash and change. Frodo had discovered that one problem with washing a wall was that the newly cleaned section simply revealed how grubby the rest of it looked, and he had embarked on a cleaning frenzy his foster mother Esme would be proud of.

       "Finished? Those three are in bed. Now we'd best get these two down for the night."

       Sam took Merry and Frodo carried the baby. Pip was soon tucked into his cradle, where he chattered away to himself, showing no inclination to nod off. Merry-lad was still sulking and turned his back when Sam began a bedtime story. The two girls snuggled in their bed and Fro sat up, gazing at his father. Frodo went off to his bedroom to change out of his wet clothes.

       Both hobbits had barely settled themselves in the kitchen when they heard shouting from the direction of the nursery. Less than a minute later Rosie-lass was in the doorway.

       "Fwo keeps making scary noises."

       "If you know it's your brother, take no notice. He'll get bored in a while."

       "There's a monster under the bed."

       "Nonsense. Now go back to bed, tell your brother to stop being silly, and go to sleep."

       Two minutes later she was back. "Ellie took my doll. Tell her to give it back."

       "Elves and dragons! Ellie!" Sam roared. "Give your sister her doll and go to sleep!"

       "I haven't got her stupid doll!" Ellie marched into the kitchen. "It fell off the bed. Why do I have to share a bed with a stupid baby?!"

       "Am not a baby. You stink!"

       "You stink! And you keep kicking me."

       "Lasses, stop this at once! What has come over you tonight?" Sam took both daughters by the arms and led them back to the nursery. No sooner had he returned and taken out his pipe than Fro was at his elbow.

       "They're keeping me awake. They keep giggling."

       "Oh Eru!" Frodo groaned. "How much more?" He walked back with the lad, tucked him into bed, kissed them all and told them to be quiet.

       Ten minutes later and Rosie-lass was back again, asking for a drink. Sam sighed heavily and took her to the kitchen, gave her a glass of water and accompanied her back to bed. The sight of the water made the others decide they were thirsty and Sam stumped back to the kitchen for a water jug and more cups. Then Merry-lad drank his too quickly, choked, had a coughing fit and was sick all over his nightshirt and the bedcovers.

       "Sticklebacks!" Sam said as he carried Merry back for another wash while Frodo changed the bedding and found another nightshirt. It was turning out to be a very long and trying evening.

       Cleaning up took the better part of an hour. Frodo walked into the parlour and flopped down in the armchair. "Sam? We went all the way to Mordor. We fought Orcs and trolls and a giant spider. How is it that five little hobbits can defeat us?"

       "Don't ask me," said Sam gloomily. He poured a generous brandy for Frodo and sipped his own.

       "Are they finally asleep?"

       "I think so. The talking has stopped but I didn't dare go in and look too closely." He gulped down a large helping of brandy and leaned back with a sigh.

                                                                           ************

       "Sleeping while in charge, eh?" Rose's voice woke both hobbits, who started guiltily and sat up very straight in their chairs.

       "We weren't really asleep, Rose-wife. Just resting our eyes a bit."

       "That old excuse! Looks as though they wore you out."

       "No, not at all. They were fine," said Frodo brightly.

       "Stop telling stories, you two. I don't know what they've done but the place looks as though it's been invaded by a horde of Orcs. I can't leave you two for one evening without you making a pig's ear of things!"

       "What do you mean?" Frodo asked, plastering his most innocent expression across his face.

       Rose giggled. "Where do I start? The kitchen wall is covered in scrambled egg, Merry's hair reeks of strawberries, there's water all over the bedroom floor, the bathroom looks as though the Brandywine went through it and there's a basket full of wet clothes, dirty bedclothes and I don't know what else."

       "All right, Rose, we admit it. They were horrendous. Next time you can stay here and we'll go and gossip at the sewing circle."

       "Harder work than it looks, eh? Now you know what hard work it is, bringing up bairns. I assume you now appreciate me a little better?"

       They assured her that they did, and all three sat and watched the fire, while peace finally reigned throughout the smial.