Disclaimer: As before. Me nothing. Tolkien everything.

Chapter 4:  Confessions Before Battle

The scene of the camp was unique, for all about them whirled a mass of gray forms coalescing into human shape and dissolving again instantly to translucent nothingness. There arose from this haze a murmur, voiced without form but vengeful in its tone. Angry. An anger unresolved, intent on harm, waiting only for the moment to strike. Within the camp, the men maintained all normal appearance as each readied his weapons, tightened his belt, refastened the harnesswork of the livery. But few were there who did not pause to look upon the cloud and let a shudder pass at the dread it caused.

As the perilous mire drew about the camp and the mood of men fell dim, two elven brothers and a dwarf felt their own anxiety increasing as they witnessed the fall of another troubled soul. Elladan glanced again at the still form of the prince from Mirkwood, frowning in his worry. He had been watching since the company had halted, careful to observe the nuance of Legolas' mood and distraction. The news was grim: Legolas had completely removed himself from the group and had fallen again, it seemed, into his longing state. He and Elrohir had been ever alert to see if he would pull himself out of this predicament alone, or if he would need words to encourage his way. It seemed at first that Legolas had been doing well, as well as could be expected at least, and was fighting off the stupor to the best of his skills. But as the hour pressed on, his will seemed to fail and there were many times when either of the brothers would make haste to create a loud noise that disturbed him from his trance. Gimli had been good to catch the gist of this and had been incessant in interrupting Legolas' meditation with prattle on meaningless topics. At last it had become apparent, to Elrohir at first, then Gimli, and finally to Elladan, that the son of Thranduil was infinitely weary, and they eased their ministrations to allow him a short rest. But now the time was drawing near for their departure and they could no longer wait for the elf to recover himself. They had need to see Legolas prepared for battle, and they must do it now.

"Arise, Legolas!"

The stern voice was startling. Legolas whipped his head up and blinked quickly to recover himself, rising swift to the call. A flash, like the sheen of metal, caught the corner of his eye. With elven reflex, he reached to his belt for his long knife and parried in answer to the sword that was about to hew. The heavier blade drew back and swung again to make its target. Legolas dodged the move and pulled his blade up to deflect a third stroke, whipping his shorter knife over the heavier weapon and lunging forward to turn the defensive move into an offensive one. The attacker leaped back from the charge and lowered his sword in surrender as he belted out a raucous laugh.

"Well met!" cried Elladan.

Elrohir and Gimli also chuckled, in appreciation of both the surprised expression on the elven prince's face and the skill for which he wielded his weapon. Elladan resheathed his sword and smiled at Legolas to let him see the lighter side of the moment. "At least we can be assured that your skill is unhindered."

"That was really quite unnecessary," Legolas said in an angry tone, although a smile nicked the corners of his mouth, belying his mood.

"To the contrary, Prince," Elladan answered, "I believe it was quite necessary." Then putting a hand on the smaller elf's shoulder, he confided, "We intend to help, Legolas. Let us now do what we can. You've been in a sullen state since we halted our ride, and it seemed some measure was needed to bring you back to yourself. My friend, you cannot keep this entirely to yourself. Some comfort may be gained from letting others among us share your experience. It is a very heavy burden you are carrying and it will remain so until you can find a way to lighten it."

Legolas looked intently at the older elf, seeming to weigh his next words carefully, then confided in a small voice, "I slept, Elladan." He smiled meekly at this small confession.

"Ah, a first step. That is indeed good. Rest is very much needed. Believe my words when I say that you should take it as often as you can. My own experience has come to prove that this lament comes hardest when the body is least strong. But you cannot say it was all sleep that you partook, can you Legolas?"

Legolas' eyes cast down, shaking his head. "It is an incessant thing, is it not? I did not realize before now how punishing it can be. How do you manage it?"

Elladan pondered this thought. "I have my brother to share it with, and that is comforting. For when I feel at my weakest, he is at his strongest. And the like in return. We have relied on each other for support through hard times for as long as I can recall. My greatest fear is for the day when we both are weak and must succumb. Then, we will part."

"And yet I have no brother to lean upon in this," Legolas said sadly.

"Perhaps not a brother, but you are not spare in friends," Elladan said, directing his eyes toward Gimli.

Legolas shifted the conversation. "In any case, the ambient noise of the camp somehow lulled me. I must have been very tired. Truly, I thought I might never sleep again for fear of being carried away by that other dream." And then an impish grin lit his face as looked out of the corner of his eye. Speaking in a louder voice, he said, "Of course, I may have slept better if there weren't so many clumsy elves or noisome dwarves about."

Gimli coughed back a guffaw at the remark.

"So I see your spirits are also returning," roared the dwarf, clapping Legolas on the back. "This is a good sign, do you not think?" he asked the other elves.

"Surely it is. Do you feel well enough then to continue this quest? The hour draws near for our departure," Elrohir said.

Legolas looked about him noticing the breaking camp. His heart quickened at what was about to come. "I do. I look forward to it," he answered. For in truth he did. ‘It will be a distraction’ he reasoned, ‘from the persistence of this perpetual sound.’ For while Legolas did indeed feel better for his rest, it had in fact not alleviated his symptoms entirely. The music that had haunted him was still present and he knew he had to be on constant guard to prevent it from overtaking him. 'Is this what I am left with? Will I eventually go mad from the unrelenting pattern of it?'

Elladan laid one hand on Legolas' shoulder and the other on Gimli's. "Then let us plan our strategies quickly as Aragorn prepares now to ride."

"What say the scouts?" Gimli asked.

Elrohir had attended the council of captains and spoke now. "They report that battle is already in full, three leagues nigh on the Anduin. There lies an armada of great ships, many of which are in flame. The brunt of the force comes from the Umbar and Haradrim and also many other Southrons. Their number is great — many more beyond ours. And though the men of Lebennin fight fiercely, Pelargir is falling and we will not wait ere long. Preparations are near complete and a host of men from Lamedon now join us. Small as they be, their numbers are received gratefully. But let us hope our weapon will suffice," he said, gazing out now at the amorphous haze, "for if they do not, we shall surely perish."

"What of our parts?" asked Legolas, keenly alert now and eager to take battle.

"We take the right guard on the first march. Archers make mark forward, followed by footmen. Strider's intent is the first charge to make its mark while he brings up the second. He will release the shadow then," Elrohir said.

"Then let us ride!" cried Elladan.

All four then went to their steeds. Legolas cupped his hands to make a step and Gimli hoisted himself to a seat. Deciding to heed Elladan’s advice to share his thoughts, the elf said, "I need to speak with you, Gimli."

Gimli's relief had lightened his mood considerably with the seeming return of his companion's wits. He was eager to bury the mixture of emotions he had been feeling and to return to their former friendship and banter. Looking to either side and behind him, as if in search of something lost, he said, "Do I tarry elsewhere or am I not present before you?"

The elf smiled at the dwarf's small dig as he mounted Arod himself. He clicked his tongue, alerting the horse to move to a trot as he drove to where their line was now forming. "Forgive me," he said laughing. " It was an obvious remark on my part. It is not an easy thing I need to say." Then Legolas stopped. He didn't know how to broach this subject.

"Well get on with it. You have my ears," the dwarf said somewhat impatiently, his mood beginning to change as hidden feelings began to bubble forth.

"It seems…that I… I hesitate often to speak with you… on matters that regard my…my personal being." Legolas was clearly blushing, and had the dwarf's mood not grown dark, he would have felt it even if he could not see it.

But the dwarf was now reflecting on these words and not taking them kindly. "Hesitate?" the dwarf scoffed, a touch of scorn waxing over his words as his mood changed. "That is an understatement beyond measure, Master Elf!"

Legolas was at a loss. While he had not been very forthcoming in telling the dwarf what was happening to him, he had not strayed far from their friendship either, or so he thought. "Gimli, I have offended you. For that I am sorry. I only wished to tell you of the things that have been troubling me. Should I take these thoughts elsewhere?"

"Ho, nay! That is exactly what you have done from the start," the dwarf said tersely. "Your mood is a territory you refuse to explore with anyone, save yourself. You guard it with a tenacity and determination that could rival Glaurung! A more worthy statement would be to say you are stubbornly, doggedly, willfully, bullheaded and you withhold in all matters that regard your well-being, especially when it can be prevented! And most especially to friends and comrades who would stand at your side through any peril, no matter what the consequences!" His voice had grown louder with each word, and he noticed the stares of some of the other riders. Shaking his head and mumbling to himself, he said, "Hesitate…My mother's axe…"

Legolas flinched. 'He knows I chose this fate. He is angry that I did not reveal it to him.' With this new understanding he conceded Gimli's need to vent and was actually surprised he hadn't received a cuff upside the head for good measure. On reflection he realized it was true: the elf indeed had not been very forthcoming with the dwarf throughout any of their travels. Prior to this moment Legolas had adeptly moved himself out of any conversation regarding matters close to his heart. And now as a result, a rift was forming between he and Gimli. He had need to repair it. Perhaps it was small, but time would make it grow. Even now, Legolas realized the dwarf had been shut out of much of the private talk that had occurred between he and Elrond's sons and the elf had ignored the dejected look in the dwarf's face as he hung back, as if waiting to be invited in. Legolas thought to himself, 'If I must suffer to repair this, I am willing.' "You are right," he said humbly as his cheeks flushed again but a lump now formed in his throat, "but I would like now to try… You have been a close friend, Gimli. I need you now more than ever. Please do not abandon me."

Gimli squirmed. He knew his outburst had been unkind and was most definitely uncalled for. He heard the wavering tone in the elf's voice and he felt instant remorse for his bad behavior. 'He's trying to reach out to me and I, in turn, swat him away.' Contritely he said in a lowered voice, "Truly I would not pry into matters of your personal affairs. It is obvious it is something that torments you. I need not press you more."

Legolas would not be deterred. "But I would want you to know, Gimli, as it may help you understand. And I feel a sense of relief at speaking of it," Legolas confessed, glancing back at his friend, knowing that more than anything the dwarf wanted to aid him in his pain.

Gimli mumbled something unitelligible under his breath, unable to get out the words that were now choking him. He nodded his approval to go on.

"Torment only begins to describe my suffering. It plays in my mind — this thing that haunts me — it calls me in a voice that I can only describe as mesmerizing. I have great trouble resisting it. It lulls me."

"What is it like when you surrender to this 'mood'?" the dwarf asked with concern.

"Strangely it seems, I feel like I am in a place that is truly home and when I am there I am at my happiest. I wish then that I should never leave it," Legolas said as he pictured it again in his head. The note droned on. He shook his head, sending it away, "And yet, I know in my heart that my body exists here as do all I love."

"Your body is like an empty shell when you are in that other place," Gimli added.

"When I try to push my mind back to join it, a terrible pall is cast over everything. I never before had doubt for this world, Gimli, but now I fear that that has changed. It is excruciating! For my love here is as strong as it ever has been truly, but a new love rivals it. I feel like I am being forced to choose, and I already know which one will win the contest."

There was a long pause, and then Gimli said with a husky voice, "Then you will leave?"

Legolas hesitated to answer. He reigned Arod near the front of the company. The horse snorted and stomped in anticipation. The elf glanced to his left to watch Aragorn take his place in the line. He allowed himself to feel pride at his friend's countenance and physical bearing, but caught himself falling into his sadness over the thoughts that passed him in his conversation with Gimli. The note echoed in his ears. He did not want to leave his friends. But slowly he nodded his head in answer to Gimli's question, grateful that the dwarf was behind him and could not see his face. Then he said, "But I will stay for a while longer, I think. As long as our friendship holds."

The dwarf from behind pressed his hands in on the elf's waist. To the casual observer it would look like he was regaining his balance. But Legolas knew it was meant as an earnest embrace.

Then Gimli said, "Legolas?"

"Yes, my friend."

"Why did you allow it?" the stocky dwarf asked with trepidation. "Aragorn said you knew your course and had choice in the matter. Why did you choose this path?"

Legolas stroked Arod's neck absently. Mulling his answer carefully, he said, "Because I could not have lived with myself otherwise."

"And there that elven wall goes up again. Tell me what that would mean," Gimli said in an exasperated voice.

Legolas nudged Arod forward now to take his final place in line for the charge. It was almost time. He looked back and caught Aragorn's eye for a last time. The elf gave a small nod to his friend and leader. A gleam was in his eye as he turned again forward and said, "I follow my heart in this, Gimli, and I may well be wrong, I know. Let us just say that I also possess a sense of foresight. I cannot say what it is, but I feel my part here has a purpose. Ere this day is done, we shall know if my actions were folly or not."

"Let us hope then you are right, dear elf, for I would not see you do harm to yourself without just cause," Gimli said. Legolas smiled as he felt the tug of the dwarf's arms again, and gave a mock cry as he felt his head being cuffed from behind.

Aragorn gave the signal. A battle horn blew announcing the charge.

"Let us fly now, Gimli!" Legolas called. "Fly!" The horse charged forth now, leaping into the fray of battle.