Chapter 21: Facing Facts

'I cannot believe what we nearly did.' Merry sat on the bench outside the door, where Ferdi and Tolly had sat a couple of hours earlier, waiting for the fire to be hot enough. 'We, who are sworn to uphold the King's justice! You know, Pip, I railed against Aragorn, when he told me Gondor's law demanded that he punish Beregond. Death or banishment, he said; 'twas one or the other. I railed against him and his law, and here I am –'

'But he didn't execute Beregond, or even banish him, really. Just sent him to Ithilien, and that was honour, not banishment.' Pippin wasn't following Merry's thought, was only half listening if the truth were known. He heard the peal of Farry's laughter inside the house, and his heart hurt in his chest.

'That's just the point!' Merry snapped. 'Aragorn knew how to temper justice with mercy. Wouldn't you think a hobbit could do as much? But there was precious little mercy about either of us today.'

Pippin didn't answer. He stood leaning against the doorframe, and Merry looked up in concern. 'Pip? Are you all right?'

'I'm well enough, Merry. Don't fuss.'

'Yes, it's likely you could put that over on me, isn't it?' Merry tried to pull his cousin down to sit next to him on the bench, but Pippin resisted, taking Merry's hand and putting it gently aside. 'Are you ill, Pippin? You've hardly left Farry's side since we got here; you might have taken his fever.'

Pippin walked a few steps away before he stopped and just stood there, defeated. 'I'm not ill, Merry. I — Ferdi came in to talk to me last night – well, you knew that. He said... he implied... no, he said it right out,' Pippin was fumbling for words.

'What did he say?'

'They tell me I'm a good Thain, you know. One of the finest.' Pippin gave a hard little laugh. 'Tookland is prospering, and the people are not so insular, so short-sighted, so...'

'Tookish?' Merry supplied, smiling in spite of himself.

'...Tookish,' Pippin agreed, 'as they were before I stepped up.'

'Yes, I'd heard that,' Merry said. 'Although letting the ceiling of the New Smials fall in on you was perhaps a step backwards.'

'They're getting over that,' Pippin said in dismissal. 'Besides, the New Smials were re-dug and finished and hobbits are living there now – no signs of the ceiling falling in on anyone's head – so I think we've put that behind us.' He kicked at a half-buried stone, grimacing as it stood firm against his assault.

'What does this have to do with Ferdi?' Merry said. He had visions of waiting for hours while Pippin talked around the subject.

'He said...' Pippin bent down, worked his fingers under the rock, pried it up, and cast it away into the woods. 'He accused me of neglecting Farry.' Pippin 's voice was so low that Merry nearly missed the words.

'He - what?' Merry said in shock.

'He said that Farry felt so unloved, so useless, the lad thought we'd be better off without him,' Pippin went on miserably. 'And he'd be better off in Gondor, where halflings are honoured. We wouldn't have to waste our limited time on such a troublesome child.' The Thain raised his face to Merry, and his eyes were brimming. 'The agony of it is – he's right.'

Merry was too shocked to reply.

'I used to while away hours with my little lad,' Pippin continued sadly. 'I couldn't get enough of his company; I delighted in seeing the world through his eyes. We used to take walks together, the three of us, Diamond and me with Farry between us, holding our hands, and I could have walked to Erebor and back again with them, and never grown weary.' His voice broke and he covered his eyes with his hand.

Merry moved to put his arm across Pippin's shoulders. 'Farry knows you love him, Pip.'

'Does he?' Pippin answered bitterly. 'I wonder. How many good words have I had for him, the past few years, weighed against the scoldings, the chidings, the disappointed looks and brush-aways because I was too busy? Ferdi's taken him fishing oftener that I have.'

Merry got up from the bench and began to stroll around the clearing, drawing Pippin with him, his arm holding his cousin close to his side. It was too chilly to sit still, despite the sun that was beginning to struggle out from behind the clouds, and walking might help, anyway.

'Diamond, too,' Pippin went on. 'She still hasn't got over losing that babe. She's been wrapped in her own sorrow; she's hardly had a smile for the lad these two years, and he thinks it's his fault! He blames himself – ah, Merry! If I had been more of a comfort to Diamond, if I had –'

'It’s “If only" and "should have" that will bring your head down to an early grave,' Merry said, quoting an old hobbit proverb.

'I'm destined for an early grave in any event.' Pippin's voice was low. 'You'd think I'd show more wisdom in using what time I have. What will it matter, how many papers I've slid across my desk, how many reports I've read, how many complaints I've heard, when I'm dead and gone? What will I leave my son? A handful of dust and ashes, slipping through his fingers, blown away on the wind!'

Merry had no words to offer. He cringed inside at Pippin's talk of death, but he knew – oh he knew, how his cousin failed a little more each year. Not something he wanted to think on, but it was there, always, in the dim recesses of his mind. And now Pippin was reaping the bitter harvest of his own choices. He had buried his grief for the lost babe by burying himself in his work, and only now did he see what this had meant for Farry.

'I've lost my treasure, Merry; I've lost my son.' The tears overflowed and he gave a choking sob. Merry wrapped both arms around him and let him weep.

'Farry's not quite lost yet,' Merry said, when the storm abated.

'He has more regard for Ferdibrand than he does for his own father; I can see that in him. I don't know if there's time enough to win back his heart, Merry.'

'While there's breath, there's life,' Merry said. 'You're not buried yet, Pip, and who knows how many sips are in the cup for any of us? I could fall from the Ferry into the River this very day, and be gone forever.'

'Bite your tongue!' Pippin said, horrified.

Merry chuckled and shook his head. 'My point is, Ferdi has given your son back to you; he's given you another chance. Faramir is willing to go back to the Smials, surely you saw that just now. Very well, he's going back for Ferdi's sake, because of what Ferdi risked for him, but he's going of his own free will, and that is something you can build on.'

Pippin pulled out his handkerchief and blew his nose. 'You're right, of course. If not for Ferdi, the lad would be long gone by now.' He shuddered. 'Or starved to death up in that tree, mayhap.'

'You owe Ferdi a great deal.' They were at the far end of the clearing by now, where glowing coals were all that remained of Hilly's fire. The branding iron lay discarded on the ground where Hilly had dropped it, when Faramir ran out.

"I am deeply in his debt,' Pippin agreed. He bent over to pick up the iron, poking at the coals, spreading them out and trying to grind them into the dirt. Realization was setting in. 'I pay my debts handsomely, do I not? He saves my son, and I try to banish him with a brand on his cheek. He saved Farry, and Farry saved him – from me! I am not fit to be Thain, Merry.'

Merry grimaced. 'Nor I to be Master. Who have been too long around Men, Pippin – the Shire, or the Travellers?'

'We thought we would stop the contagion, and we are the carriers,' Pippin said bleakly. 'Reginard saw the truth – and Berilac, back at the Hall. He told us we had sewed this case up too neatly, without even hearing the evidence.' There was a fallen tree trunk at the edge of the yard, left from the storm, and Pippin sat down on it with a groan. 'Was it inevitable, Merry, that we'd come back changed like this? Hobbits are not wont to be so – implacable.'

'Frodo did not,' Merry said slowly. 'He came back more soft-hearted than he left. Soft in the head, I thought sometimes, and was shamed to be thinking such a thing. The Ring-bearer – he suffered more than any of us, but it did not make him hard.'

The memory of Frodo rose before them. There had been no hatred in him, no bitterness. Even Saruman had received mercy from Frodo.

'But could he have governed?' Pippin asked. 'We've done a great injustice, Merry; I am not sure I should not resign the Thainship over this day's work. But there must be justice as well as mercy, or evil will run rampant.'

'Frodo knew that.' Frodo understood about evil; who better than he? 'He did not invite Saruman to stay on! Only he would take no vengeance. I have been so angry, Pippin! I didn't trouble myself to really listen to Ferdi, or Tolly either, and I wouldn't wait until sundown for Farry to wake, because I was consumed with anger. Frodo would have listened, and so he would have heard the truth.'

'Sam too,' said Pippin. 'Not as merciful as Frodo, but he would have listened with an open mind. Perhaps we'd better have the Mayor hear all our cases, cousin.'

Merry laughed. 'He wouldn't do it; he's not such a fool! We'll have to hear our own cases, I'm afraid, but not unless we can bring more justice – and mercy, as well – to our judgments.' He sobered, meeting his cousin's eyes. 'Would you really step down, Pip?' If he had the choice to stay, that is? Merry thought. This day’s work was not yet over, after all, but he shoved that knowledge aside.

Pippin sighed. 'Who would take my place?' He stood up, shrugging as if he settled a burden on his shoulders again. 'No, I won't step down. I made a promise, Merry; I will not go back on it. But I think I will ask the Mayor for some memento of Frodo, an old pipe, perhaps, or one of his pens. I'll keep that on my desk where I can see it, to remind me.'

'A pen for you, and a pipe for me,' Merry said with a smile. 'I may even smoke it, when I'm hearing a difficult case.'

Pippin nodded. 'We'll try again,' he said. 'Let's go in; it's cold out here.'