Sorry this one took so long!  Thank you for being patient, and for leaving such wonderful comments. :)

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Chapter 16 - Anxiety

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Pippin hadn’t seen his cousin smoke a pipe so quickly in almost three years.

Though Merry was far more at ease now than he had been for Lily’s birth, he did not look particularly level-headed to Pippin.  He sat very still, his elbows on his knees, and the only part of him that moved were his lips, breathing smoke out at an astonishing rate.

They heard a muffled cry of pain coming from the bedroom, and Merry jumped so violently that his pipe flew into the air.  He managed to catch it, but not without spilling a good deal of ash onto his shirt.  He cast a wide-eyed, agonized look towards the bedroom door, and Pippin squeezed his friend’s shoulder in sympathy.

When Merry had more or less composed himself, he said, “I wish Lily was here.”  His daughter had been sent to stay with her grandparents at Brandy Hall a few days prior, in anticipation of the birth.

“Why?” asked Pippin.

“I just... feel better when she’s around.  It’s nice to have her in my arms.  When she’s willing to sit still in my arms, that is.”  He sighed, then gave Pippin a half-hearted attempt at a smile.  “You’ll understand someday.”

Merry didn’t notice the involuntary flinch that flashed across Pippin’s face.  The unrest that he had been trying to suppress for many weeks once again resurfaced, causing a pang of longing to strike him.

There had been times when just looking at Estella had brought near-anguish to Pippin, as he imagined Diamond with that swollen belly, her pale face radiant with the expectant glow of one who carried a new life within her body.  His heart sank as his head reminded him that such a thing might be too much to hope for.

Pippin’s awkward silence made Merry realize what he had said.  “Oh... Pip, I’m sorry, I--”

Pippin shook his head and smiled.  “No need to apologize, Merry.  You’re not in a very proper state of mind, if I may say so.”

“That’s true,” said Merry, smiling nervously.  He once again turned his gaze to the bedroom door, letting out a frustrated sigh.

In the bedroom, Estella cried out again, louder this time.  Merry twitched, then stood abruptly.  “I’m going in there.”

He started to march towards the door, but Pippin leapt up and grabbed him by the shoulders.  “No, Merry!  I’m under strict orders to keep you out here.”

Merry growled in response, struggling to get out of his cousin’s hold.

“Calm down!” Pippin insisted.  “She’ll be all right.”

Merry stopped struggling abruptly and nodded.  “Yes... yes, of course she will be.”  He sat down and began to gnaw on the end of his pipe.

Only a few indiscernible murmurings now came from the bedroom.  Releasing a deep sigh, Pippin reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of parchment - his latest letter from Diamond.

As Pippin began to read the letter, Merry stared at him in disbelief.  “Nice to see you’re being so supportive in my time of need!”

Pippin deliberately waited a few seconds before responding, not looking up from the letter, “I’m sorry, did you say something?”

Merry snorted in distaste, hoping to cover up his smile.

Smirking, Pippin said, “As though you were any different when--”

Another cry from the bedroom interrupted him, and Merry jumped up again.  Pippin was worried that he would have to restrain his friend once more, but instead Merry simply began to pace, still chewing on his pipe.

“I don’t know how she does it,” he muttered.  “Twice, no less!”

“I suspect that’s why the lasses are the ones who have the children,” said Pippin, folding the letter and replacing it in his pocket.  “They always seem very calm about these things.”

Merry stopped pacing and turned to look at Pippin, his eyes wide with anxiety.  “Are you sure it took this long before?”

“Of course!” said Pippin, trying to look and sound confident; he clearly did not succeed, as Merry narrowed his eyes accusingly.

“Are you just saying that to make me feel better?”

Pippin pondered this for a moment before responding, “Possibly.”

Their conversation was cut short when yet another cry rang out; but this was clearly not Estella’s voice.  Merry dropped his pipe and ran to the door, practically slamming into it in his haste.  He pressed his ear to the door as Pippin hurried to his side.  Merry gasped as the babe cried out again, and Pippin grinned broadly at his cousin’s reaction and with his own euphoria.

The door flew open suddenly, and Pippin had to reach out and grab Merry to prevent him from falling forward.  Tulip, the midwife’s assistant, stood in the doorway, looking quite bewildered at seeing Merry almost fall on top of her.  But she gave them a tired smile and stepped aside so that they could see inside the room.

Estella sat on the bed, her brown curls matted and drenched with sweat.  Her face was shining, and not just with perspiration.  She looked up from the bundle in her arms and gave Merry an exhausted but somehow dazzling smile.

“Merry,” she said breathlessly, immeasurable warmth and love radiating from her voice in that one simple statement.

He quickly approached her, setting himself down carefully beside her.  His face was filled with astonishment and his eyes shining with reverence as Estella placed their new child in his arms.

Feeling strangely awkward at witnessing this moment, Pippin prepared to turn and leave when Merry suddenly called out to him frantically.

“Pip!  Pippin, come here, come see him!”

Pippin wanted nothing more than to greet his newest cousin, but something held him back.  “Oh, I don’t know... I thought maybe you would want a moment alone, this being a family thing and all...”

Estella laughed and exclaimed, “Since when were you kicked out of this family?  Now I insist you come here and meet your cousin!”

He grinned sheepishly and joined them all on the bed.  Merry, beaming proudly, handed the babe over to his friend.  Pippin’s grin widened.

“A lad,” he said, glancing up questioningly at Merry and Estella; they both nodded, and Pippin returned his gaze to the baby.  “Well, Boromir, it is an honor to meet you.”

There was something comforting about feeling the weight and warmth of a child in his arms, yet there was also unrest in Pippin’s heart, and his smile slowly faded.  This was his cousin, Merry’s child, and not his own.  Estella’s child, and not Diamond’s.  For this was something that Diamond could not give, could not have.  And if Pippin stayed with her, they would share this burden of impossibility.

Adoption was a possibility, certainly, and Pippin had no doubts that he and Diamond could find a child to adopt.  But at that moment, holding Merry and Estella’s baby in his arms, there seemed such a vast difference.  Perhaps it made him selfish, but he wanted a boy with his own eyes, or a girl with Diamond’s face.  A child of his own.

Eventually he would have to choose between the hobbit he so loved and the future he so desired, and it tore him apart to acknowledge it.  It was something he had avoided, had pushed to the back of his mind to prevent such solemn thoughts from surfacing.  But with little Boromir Brandybuck laying seemingly innocuous in his arms, he was brought face-to-face with the very thing his love may deny him.

“Pippin?”

Merry’s concerned voice broke through his thoughts, and Pippin shook his head slightly, shocked to feel tears in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, I was thinking... thinking about Boromir.”

But he knew that Merry was not fooled, and to hold off any unhappy discussions, he gave Boromir back to Estella and said brightly, “Shall I go to the Hall and fetch Lily?  She’ll be wanting to meet her brother, I think.”

Estella looked a bit startled by Pippin’s sudden mood swing from happy to melancholy and apparently back again, but she smiled at him.  “That would be wonderful, Pippin, thank you.”

“Are you sure?” Merry asked.  “I could go myself later today.”

“Nonsense!” declared Pippin, ignoring the worry in his friend’s eyes as his heart wrenched at doing so.  “You and Estella need to stay here and become acquainted with this new lad of yours.”

He stood to leave but before he walked out he gave one last glance at husband, wife, and child.  Estella placed a hand on Merry’s cheek as he leaned in to kiss her lips softly.  When the kiss ended, Pippin could see a very familiar tenderness in Estella’s eyes as she gazed at Merry.  Pippin recognized that look that the couple exchanged.  He recognized the pure and unquestionable devotion that passed between them in that gaze.  He had felt it so many times himself.

Before leaving for Brandy Hall, Pippin went into his room and walked up to his desk.  He sifted through the clutter of papers until he found a small book, one that Frodo had given him many years ago.  Flipping through it, he soon came to a dried-up flower that had been pressed between two pages.  Its lavender petals had faded to a pale pink and were threatening to break off of the stem.

Pippin touched it lightly with the tip of his finger, recalling the day he had picked it up from the ground after it had been left by a quiet young hobbit lass.  A lass who was small, shy, and perfect.  A lass who was everything Pippin wanted and needed.  A lass he now knew he could not live without, no matter the consequences.

Some thought of Pippin as being impulsive, maybe even foolish.  But he was a hero of the West, and if he had learned nothing else it was that one thing was more important than armies or heirs:  hope.

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