The Rabid Midwife

Summary: On the day that Eldarion was born, ’twas not all joy and glee. A parody of Cry of Life

Warning: Some innuendo

A/N: This vignette is a parody of Cry of Life and is in no way intended to be serious. Please do not tell me that this would never happen; I am well aware of that. It was inspired by a Yahoo Group discussion in which the question arose, "Would King Elessar really have stayed out of the birthing chamber?" During this conversation, I jokingly justified my having kept him out of the birthing chamber in Cry of Life by stating that he was confronted by a rabid midwife; hence, this vignette. It is dedicated to Estelcontar's image of a meat cleaver and NiRi's warg.

In the woman’s eyes gleamed the lust for blood. Her prey: the King of Gondor. It was for no trifling matter that she held the man in enmity; he had invaded her most sacred realm.

The King looked to his wife, reclined helplessly upon the bed. She was certain to defend him by whatever means she could. Though the pains of birth racked her form, she still possessed a most capable tongue and could certainly reason with the shrew coming at him, meat cleaver in hand.

The King’s eyes begged his beloved, “Please, my love, assist me.”

But from his wife received the Man naught but a snarl and a glare, for in her pain she was unable to forget that he was the cause of her current misery. She glanced toward the midwife, who had the cleaver yet in hand, and hesitated not a moment ’ere shrieking her assessment of the Man: “It was he who brought this upon me, the one who promised to love and protect. Go after him, I beseech you. Go with skill and swiftness so that I shall never know pain such as this again!” Her eyes darted between the blade and the Man’s most private regions, her intentions grim but clear.

What? thought the King, dumbfounded. My love, my life, my bride? Her mouth no longer drips her honeyed words? No “Beloved,” “Dearest,” “Darling”? No “Snookums” or “Snugglebear?”

But no longer could he ruminate; the cleaver approached with haste. The King fled the room and slammed the door, hanging his head in disgrace.