Chapter Nineteen: Following the Light

When Frodo went below deck after staring back east long after the shore had disappeared, he turned to where he knew Sam was. I’m glad you are here with me, Sam. I don’t know how I could have left you. I don’t know how I just left Merry and Pippin and half of my heart back in the Shire.

They will keep it safe for you, dear.

Just like you and Bilbo have kept my other half?

Just so.

Lady Galadriel came up as he traveled down unfamiliar corridors to where he had been told his and Bilbo’s room would be. He carried only the phial she had given him and his candle with him. He had left everything else behind, including a book of adventures he and Sam had written and drawn as lads for the Gamgees and Rose to enjoy. He hadn’t even taken a nightshirt with him.

"I can show you to your room if you would like," the Elven lady said with a warm smile.

"Le hannon, hiril nin," Frodo said with a deep bow.

He took the hand Galadriel held out for him. When they arrived at the room, he was a little surprised not to Bilbo there. His aged uncle had tottered down below before he had and Frodo had assumed he would be retiring for the evening.

"Your uncle said he was ready for another adventure and wanted a look around," Galadriel explained.

"I wish I was ready," Frodo said wearily as he sat down on one of the two beds in the room. "I am and I’m not."

Galadriel sat down beside him. "It is not a light or easy decision you made, Iorhael, to come here. Just as the one you made to carry the Ring was not. But they were and are both right. Sometimes those of Elven kind come West to seek for healing just as you are. My daughter did. And you are almost Elven yourself in all the graces and blessings that have been bestowed upon you, more than I’ve ever seen in a mortal."

Frodo sighed. "All I’ve ever wanted to be is a hobbit."

Galadriel brushed at his hair. "That’s the glory of who you were created to be."

"Then why couldn’t I stay and be one?"

Frodo hadn’t wanted to cry, but Galadriel saw the barely restrained tears glistening as he raised his eyes to her. She reached an arm around him and pulled him close and his tears flowed out.

"You are still one," she assured, "but you are beyond one also, called to greatness because you are one. No one else could have done what you did, Iorhael trannail, no Elf, no Man, no Dwarf, only a Hobbit, only you. The Ring would have destroyed anyone else, including the Wise. We trusted to folly instead or that which would have been viewed so by any other standards than that of the Creator."

"It did destroy me. It destroyed Sam."

"It tried very hard too, yes. But it could not and it has not. You live and it was only Sam’s hroa that was destroyed, not his fea, not Sam himself. And now the Ring is destroyed instead and you are on your way to a new home long prepared for you."

"Long prepared," Frodo murmured and he tried to take comfort from that.

Galadriel pulled Frodo closer. "Sleep now and let the sea soothe your way."

The Ring-bearer fell to sleep in her arms, exhausted by grief and stress. His hands relaxed and the phial and the candle in its holder would have fallen to the ground had not the Elf lady taken them and placed them beside Frodo’s bed. She looked down at the softly glowing figure in her arms, so hurt, but still alive and bright and she marveled at what he had been able to do.

Frodo slept soundly the rest of the voyage, his body curled on his bed, one hand outstretched and wrapped around Sam’s, the other usually around Bilbo’s hand or Arwen’s gem. Gandalf, Elrond and Galadriel watched over him as well. The Elf lord was surprised the first time Frodo’s hand curled around his as he checked on him, but he did not pull away. He sat down by the troubled hobbit’s side and prayed there instead in the iaun, looking at the light from the candle that was lit the entire time and the glow from Frodo that continued to grow, especially at his left shoulder and right hand where his finger was missing. Pain was still deeply etched into the Ring-bearer’s fair features and at times he cried out softly in his sleep, but didn’t wake.

* * *

The morning the ship came within sight of the white shores of Tol Eressea shining in the bright sunlight, Frodo woke. "Are we there?" he asked.

Bilbo smiled. "Yes, my lad. You’ve woken just in time. Why don’t we come up and see our new home, hmmm?"

The ancient hobbit held out his hand, already less gnarled than before and Frodo spent a moment wondering about that as he took that hand and rose from his bed. He felt strengthened in body, but still rather fragile in spirit. They climbed the steps to the deck and came out into the sun.

It was an awesome sight, almost too bright and Frodo’s eyes narrowed painfully at first before he could look more fully. He felt Bilbo’s hand tighten around his as a small gasp issued from those ancient lips in wonder and joy and he felt Sam’s as well. He felt a small thrill run through him, a hope, before it was buried under his pain. How did he deserve to come to such a fair land?

You are on your way home, my child, came a Voice inside of him, clear and beautiful, nothing like the voice of the Ring he had heard for so many months and still could hear in his dreams. It was the same Voice he had heard in the iaun.

Can I come home now, Papa? Frodo asked. It still hurts so much. I don’t know if I can make it the whole way.

You do not walk alone. The path is long and I would have you know joy again in this life.

Yes, Papa.

"What do you think, lad?" Bilbo asked.

"I think I am inside a dream."

"Say a Song rather," Gandalf said softly, coming to their side. "The same Song that has been played since the beginning and has not yet finished all the melodies within it. Your own music will strengthen here, Frodo, and become again the marvelous part of the symphony it was created to be."

Frodo squinted into the sun to look up at his friend. "I think I’ve heard part of it on the way, in my dreams, but not my own part, at least not as anything beautiful."

"It is the Sea that contains most of the Music in these latter days. It was what lulled you to sleep so it could heal you as much as it could before you came here."

Frodo looked back at the water. "I have dreamed often of the Sea, but it hasn’t always been pleasant dreams."

"But not unpleasant either?" the wizard asked in a tone that suggested he already knew the answer.

"No, just different." He looked back up at Gandalf. "Was I being prepared even then for now?"

The Maia smiled and placed his hand on Frodo’s slim shoulders. "Ilúvatar looks after His own, my dear hobbit. Those who He sets aside for great trials, He also provides for healing afterwards."

Frodo sighed. "Then it was all meant to be. The Lady Galadriel said my home here had been long prepared."

Gandalf smiled. "So it has been."

* * *

"Why don’t you go to the iaun like Frodo?" Gandalf asked Bilbo one day, several weeks after they had arrived. "He receives great solace there and I would dare say you are in need of that yourself."

Bilbo didn’t look up right away at his friend. "I’m too angry, Gandalf. I am glad that Frodo is finding some comfort there, though I can’t fathom why." He looked up now and raised an accusing finger at the wizard. "I spent time there every day while they were away, lit my candles in the hope that they would all be safe, that they would come back unharmed. But I haven’t been back much since. What good came of it? Sam is dead and there is still such incredible pain in my lad’s eyes where there was once only sunshine and joy. Even after his parents’ died, there wasn’t such torment. I don’t understand, if all you say is true and I know it is, about someone above knowing everything, why he allowed this hurt to happen? If he’s so all powerful, why didn’t he stop it? If he’s everywhere, then where was he when my boy was suffering? Where is he now?"

"He is with Frodo and He is with you," Gandalf began, calm amidst the storm of Bilbo’s grief and anger. "He didn’t will this evil, but you are right to use the word allowed. He did that for His own good purposes, to show Sauron Who truly is Ruler of this created world. He could have stopped it, but he has given His children the gift of free will and that includes the will sometimes to choose the dark. Evil has been woven into the fabric of creation from the beginning and He allowed it to be so so even through that His glory could be shown from the good He draws out of it."

"Then, if he was with my lads, why, Gandalf, why all this terrible hurt? Why did Sam die? Not a very good protector this Ilúvatar, if you ask me. If he was there and could have stopped it, why didn’t he?"

"Because He wished to show His power through weakness. Who accounted for Hobbits before this time, Bilbo? Who knew their strength? He did, from all time, because He gave it to them. He chose the small, the overlooked, to prove to be greater than the Wise and the great. No one else could have done what Frodo did. You think you know what happened because you can still see the effects, but you don’t truly know how badly Sauron tried to stop Frodo from accomplishing his task. He hasn’t told you because he hasn’t wanted to have you fret but he very nearly died out there, Bilbo. And he’s learned also that there are worse things than losing one’s life. Sauron’s might was beyond any mortal being’s capacity to withstand in the end and Frodo came very near to surrendering that part of himself that he had fought so hard to preserve, but Ilúvatar was there to strengthen him and save him from that for the One Who hallowed Frodo for his Quest is even mightier than the one who wished to destroy him.

"Frodo understands that more and more. He knew even before the Quest began that he is but a fragile vessel as all mortals are, too fragile to withstand something he could not have on his own, but he came to realize that he was never alone. He was filled ever more with Light as the darkness grew about him. He was saved from much because of that. He was saved at the end because through it he learned of pity and mercy as you had without even knowing it. You are no less a child of Ilúvatar than he is, my dear, irascible hobbit. He’s watched over you long also. He’s the reason you found the Ring."

Bilbo looked away again. "I wish he hadn’t done that. I can’t think of a worse thing that I could have put my hand to. I wish it still lay there on the ground."

"It wouldn’t have stayed there. One will or another would have moved it along its path. You should be glad it was the Will of the Creator that placed you there, alone in the dark, just at the right time, and not the will of any creature. Frodo has walked along darker paths than you, he still is, so he can imagine worse evils than you. So can I. So can the One who made sure you put your hand down just where it needed to be. Frodo’s darkness is great but it will pass far sooner than the darkness that would have overwhelmed all of Middle-earth had the Ring returned to its master. Frodo was terrified of the Ring and what it could do to others and to himself, but he felt it better that he try to contain the black within himself instead of it hurting others."

"I would have done the same," Bilbo said quietly.

"You must believe then, Bilbo, that it all happened the way it was meant to. And do not think that Ilúvatar’s heart broke any less than yours did as He watched Frodo suffer and He knows much more about that suffering than you. You gave Frodo the Ring but He did too. You gave in ignorance of its evil. He gave in total knowledge, but He also gave him the grace and strength to carry the burden. And He is giving him the strength to recover from all Sauron in his fear and hatred did. He can give you the same strength."

"I just want my boy to shine again."

"He already is and he will shine all the brighter, if he continues on the Road he is on. I believe he will for Ilúvatar is still there to strengthen him on it. But he is not through yet and the way is still perilous."

* * *

Frodo stared out at the sea. He wanted to lose himself there, wash himself clean of all the Ring had done to him and was still doing. He held the phial in one hand and Sam’s hand in the other. I want to be with you, Sam.

You are with me, dear, and I am with you.

I mean where you are. It’s so hard to keep going, even here.

Frodo felt Sam’s love fill him anew. Your time will come.

I’m afraid to wait.