Chapter Eighteen: A New Quest

"I am going on a new adventure," Frodo told Merry and Pippin when he returned and met them at Crickhollow. He tried to smile and look hopeful but he feared from his cousins’ expressions that he failed miserably. He took a deep breath and went on before he lost his will. He couldn’t look into those beloved eyes that faced him with such joy turning to concern. "Bilbo is coming with me and Sam, but I’m afraid you two can’t, not the whole way. Just to the Havens. We are taking ship with the Elves."

In the stillness that followed his words, he found the courage to look at his cousins, afraid for what he would see there. Merry didn’t say anything but took him into his arms and held him for a long time. His joy at seeing his beloved brother-cousin was greatly tempered by the fact that Frodo looked no different, perhaps even worse than he had before. Frodo held him just as tightly, crying into his shoulder while Merry rocked him gently, stroked his curls and murmured what comforts he could. Frodo cried harder at such love and that he would soon not feel those arms which had held him long before Merry was big enough to even reach more than half way around and now Merry was so much taller than he was. Pippin held him next and Frodo cherished that embrace just as much.

They didn’t talk much that night, but simply lay together on the floor to sleep, pushing two mattresses together and pulling down blankets from the beds since they had no bed big enough for the three of them and they didn’t want to be apart.

Pippin sighed. "Remember when we used to do this when we went camping, just us three and we slept out on the grass, wrapped in blankets and listened to you tell us stories of the Elves or the stars or made up stories just for us?"

"Yes," Frodo answered, "when the only shadow was the one we cast in the sunlight."

"Those days will come again," Merry said. "For all of us."

"I have to reach the light first," Frodo said.

"You will." And Frodo thought he heard that response from three voices. He curled down into the blankets and slept as well as he could.

"Are you sure you want to walk the whole way?" Merry asked the next morning.

"Yes," Frodo said without hesitation, even though he was nervous about spending a night out in the open. The Riders had come at night... But they were no more, he told himself. And I will be be well protected.

"I want to spend my last days in the Shire, seeing and hearing and feeling as much as possible," he said. "I couldn’t do that as well riding."

"Then walking it is," Pippin said and handed Frodo his pack.

The Ring-bearer noticed that it was lighter than the others looked, but he didn’t say anything. He knew he was being cared for and he was not as strong as he once was. He took a deep breath of the air as he stepped outside and he looked around him, trying to memorize everything, the wind in his hair and across his cheek, the feel of the trees as he ran his hand against the bark, the leaves and grass as it tickled his feet, the sounds of the birds. He took Merry’s hand in one of his, his maimed one, and took Pippin’s hand in the other and they started off. Sam was nearby, a welcome, unseen presence.

"Will you sing something, Pip?" Frodo asked.

Pippin was in no mood for cheer, but neither did he wish to deepen his beloved cousin’s pain. He softly began singing and Frodo closed his eyes and concentrated just on that dear voice.

When they rested for the night, Pippin sang him to sleep, holding his shivering form under many blankets.

"Many long ways still before your feet lie,

Roads long and toilsome and steep;

But lie still and list to the voice of the wind

As it sings you to your sleep.

"The sun has now gone to her bed in the west,

And round you the darkness is deep.

So lie still and list to the voice of the wind

As it sings you to your sleep.

"Lay down your sweet head, my dear, close your eyes,

And o’er you my watch I will keep.

So lie still and list to the voice of the wind

As it sings you to your sleep.

"When morning comes, you must rise and go on,

Following the road long and steep.

But rest now and list to the voice of the wind

As it sings you to your sleep."

The last thing Frodo felt was the brush of Pippin’s lips against his brow and the tween tightening his embrace around him. The night passed much more restfully than he had feared it would.

They reached Bag End late the next afternoon. Frodo slept alone that night. "I just want to sleep in my own bed one last time," he told the others.

But for a long while he didn’t sleep. He wandered around his home for hours, standing in each room for a long time, chiseling the memories of each special place into his mind so as to never forget. He did it by moonlight, finding his way effortlessly in the dark. He lingered longest in the study, fingering the many books there, inhaling their smell and that of the ink. He stood at the windows and took in the air of the Shire and the garden. He looked at the stars.

You said you wanted to sleep in your own bed, Sam’s voice came to him long after midnight. Better do it while you still can.

Frodo smiled faintly, turning his head slightly to where he knew Sam was, even though he couldn’t see him. "Yes, my Sam," he said obediently and left the last room.

He lit the candle he had brought from the iaun at Rivendell, placed it at his bedside, then curled up on his side and softly said the prayer Gandalf had taught him once the pain of the loss of the Ring had taken hold. "I come sick to the Healer of life, unclean to the Fountain of mercy, blind to the radiance of eternal Light, poor and needy to the Lord of heaven and earth. I beg Thee to heal my sickness, wash away my defilement, enlighten my blindness, enrich my poverty, and clothe my nakedness. Purify me from evil ways and put an end to my evil passions. Bring me charity and patience, humility and obedience, and growth in the power to do good. Be my strong defense against all my enemies, visible and invisible, and the perfect calming of all my evil impulses, bodily and spiritual. Unite me more closely to You and lead me safely through death to everlasting happiness with You."

It was a long while before he could fall asleep, his pillow wet with tears and his mouth dry from repeating the prayer. He stared at the candlelight until his eyes finally closed.

The next morning, he gave his will to the Gaffer to execute with his sorrow again expressed and his thanks, then he moved away so Sam could have time alone with his family and Rose to say goodbye.

Frodo looked up from his gardening to see Sam’s luminous figure standing next to Rose a little down the Hill and he smiled as his dearest friend leaned to kiss the cheek of the lass he had so long loved. Sam had always been too shy to do that before, and now it was too late. The smile turned to tears.

Frodo was still crying when he felt his guardian’s presence by him. "I shouldn’t be doing this to you, Sam. You should be with your family, with Rosie."

It wasn’t just the wind Frodo knew that wiped away his tears. Sam looked into his brother’s eyes and smiled as lovingly as he ever did and Frodo could not look away even as fresh tears fell. Sam didn’t say anything but held out his hand. Frodo reached out for it and could swear it wasn’t just wishful imagining that he felt something.

The Gaffer and Rosie and the rest of the Gamgee clan watched the two walked down the Hill and to the waiting ponies. As Gandalf, Merry and Pippin and Frodo rode off together, Sam looked back, smiled and waved and they all felt his love fill them. Rose and Marigold especially held their arms tight around themselves as to hold all that love inside them. They smiled back through their tears, then when Sam could be seen no more, turned and went back inside.

Frodo slept each night on the way to the Havens curled up between his cousins. Merry sang to him as well.

"Day is over, night is deep.

Close your eyes, ‘tis time for sleep.

Hush now, my dear one, do not cry,

And I will sing a lullaby.

Lullaby, lullaby, lull-a-bye.

"Dreams surround your dear sweet head,

Slumber winds you in her thread.

Hush now, my dear one, close your eye,

And I will sing a lullaby.

Lullaby, lullaby, lull-a-by.

"Hard and steep is life's long way,

Sleep, my loved one, while you may.

Hush now, sweet dear one, do not cry,

And I will sing a lullaby.

Lullaby, lullaby, lull-a-by.

"Time goes ever changing on,

But know you this, beloved one:

I will love you till the day that I die,

And now I’ve sung my lullaby.

Lullaby, lullaby, lull-a-by."

Each night either or both of his cousin’s sang to him and the fears of the night were chased away by loving voices and arms. The two younger hobbits stayed awake much longer, just looking at their dear, memorizing anew beloved features long cherished. At times, if Frodo woke, sometimes he saw those gazes or looked upon their own sleeping faces. Many tears were shed but more love was shared than pain.

At last they came to the Havens. Frodo clutched his cousins’ hands more tightly at the sight of the elegant Elven ship awaiting him. Hope flared in his heart and his breath caught. But then pain lanced through him. Why did he have to leave? Why had he fought and suffered so much to save the Shire only to have it taken from him? He thought he had come to peace with that as much as he could, but now the questions that had been silenced cried out anew and he cried with them. But the pain was too great for him to stay. He had to leave. It was already near sundown and Frodo was glad for he feared his will might fail if he had to linger too long. Bilbo and Gandalf were already there and smiled at him when he arrived. He could not smile back. He turned to Merry first and embraced him tightly.

"I’m sorry, my Merry, I’m so sorry. It just hurts so much."

Merry held him more tightly. "I know, dearest, I know it does. I’m sorry too."

"Oh, Merry, how I love you and always have from before you were even born and I shall forever.

How I wish you could come with me and have something other than tears for memories."

Merry raised Frodo’s chin when the Ring-bearer tried to look away and waited until his cousin looked into his eyes. He wiped at Frodo’s tears and tried to smile through his own. "I shall have much more than that. I shall have all the smiles and giggles going as far back as my memories go. All the tales and games and adventures with your hand in mine. All the kisses goodnight and the arms around me as you sang me to sleep after I had run into your room, begging you to protect me from monsters or storms. All the love that always shone from you. All the treats you snuck to me from the kitchens long after everyone gone to sleep but we were still up." Merry stroked his beloved cousin’s cheek. "Every single thing shall I remember about you, Frodo Baggins. The tears too because they are part of you and I don’t want to forget anything. You have always been my hero and you remain so, especially now."

"Oh, Merry!" Frodo cried and held his cousin ever more tightly. "How I wish I could have kept protecting you and Pip."

"What makes you think you haven’t, dearest? You have taken perfect care of me and Pippin since we were born. That hasn’t stopped."

"But you were captured by orcs and tormented and I wasn’t there to stop it."

"You would have been captured too and who knows what would have happened then. Let go of that guilt, you stubborn Baggins. You were captured and tormented in your turn and we weren’t there to stop that. And much worse happened to you that we couldn’t protect you from."

"You couldn’t have helped even had you been there. Sam couldn’t. I may have killed you too."

"We all have to learn not to torment ourselves with what-if’s. What really happened is that you still took care of us and all Middle-earth with every step you took to Mordor. You took terrible hurt so we wouldn’t and now you’ve got to heal. I love you, my Frodo. I always have and I always will. You just get well and know your Sprout is wishing that for you with all his heart and will and strength and if you don’t, he’s going to take a ship himself to make sure that you do!"

Frodo almost laughed, but it came out as more tears.

"We both will," Pippin said.

At last Merry kissed his head and Frodo kissed his and then they let go so Pippin could hold his cousin.

The tween held Frodo tightly, wanting to savor that last embrace. "I know you are going to be in good hands as you always have been," he said, "but I’m frightfully jealous of Sam for being able to be with you and we can’t."

"Don’t be, dearest. I envy you that you are staying and I have to leave. But I will carry a bit of you with me too, my Pipsqueak, and Merry and all our times together. I wish they could have gone on forever. But..."

"But nothing, cousin dear. They will go on because we will be thinking of you and you will be thinking of us and you will be getting better and so will we."

"You aren’t angry?"

"Good heavens! Why should I be angry?"

"That I’m leaving. That I failed. That..."

Pippin raised his cousin’s head and looked him in the eye. "None of that nonsense now," he said in a strict tone and Frodo almost smiled. "Now repeat after me. Sam loves me."

"Sam loves me."

"Merry loves me."

"Merry loves me."

"Pippin loves me."

"Pippin loves me."

"Very good," the tween said with a smile, though his eyes were bright with tears. He put Frodo’s head back down on his shoulder. "Thank you, Frodo. Thank you for all you did. We can never thank you enough. Merry and I are so proud of you."

Frodo half raised his head, mouth open to protest, but Pippin tapped him on the nose. "Now don’t you dare argue that you have done nothing to be proud of, you ridiculous Baggins, or I’ll make Sam promise that he will remind you every day that you have until you are either driven mad or are finally convinced."

"I won’t argue," Frodo promised because he well knew Sam would do make good on that promise.

"Now say I am your hero."

"You are my hero."

"No," Pippin said, adopting that strict tone again, "I said to say I am your hero."

Frodo winced. "I am your hero."

"Say it like you know it’s true."

Frodo’s features twisted. "I can’t."

Pippin kissed his head. "The day you are able to, you will know you are well."

Frodo smiled faintly and sadly at his beloved cousin. "When did you grow up so much?"

Pippin smiled, then lowered his head so he could hear the heartbeat he had heard all his life. "I love you, cousin."

Frodo kissed the top of his head. "I love you, too, ’squeak, always and forever."

They let go at last. Bilbo and Gandalf said their farewells. The Maia smiled at them and as he put his hands on their heads in blessing, they felt their hearts ease some. "He will heal," he said softly.

The two hobbits nodded, then watched Frodo board the ship with Bilbo and Gandalf. The phial of Galadriel flared in Frodo’s hand in the fading light, then the ship disappeared from sight. The tears from the three hobbits merged with the sea and mingled with each other.
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A/N: The prayer Frodo says is adapted from St. Thomas Aquinas. The songs are translations of the Queen from lullabies popular in Tookland and Buckland.