Chapter Fifteen: Deaths in the Family

Time continued to pass. Sam never tired of watching his brother’s glowing soul and love already so deep, deepened further. Strength and vitality returned stronger than ever and it was as though they were both tweens again, off on all sorts of adventures, innocent and untouched by any darkness. The garden thrived and so did Frodo’s joy in simply being beside his most beloved guardian. They didn’t stop their daily arguments about who was going to take care of the other best, but it had evolved into a friendly competition of trying to outdo each other. Frodo's laughter was so common Sam wondered more times than he could ever count why his own heart didn’t burst from the joy of it all and his laughter was just as free to hear his brother's. The carefree days of the Shire when they couldn’t have been happier but to be at one another’s side was nothing compared to the joy they had now. They spent most nights sleeping out on the grass in front of their smial as they used to do a lifetime ago, wrapped in love and light so deep and bright, the Elves marveled at such could come from mortal beings. There were many times they shouted out their ecstacy to Iluvatar, to the world at large, sang of it in the Hall of Fire and to each other. Sam’s joy was increased by his listening to the Songs of all his children and Frodo listened as well, as to Merry’s and Pippin’s and Aragorn’s.

One day, however, Sam found Frodo sitting alone in the dark room, staring up at the red light, lips moving silently. He sat down beside him and noticed tears reflecting the light above. He put his arm around his beloved’s shoulder and Frodo leaned his head on his brother’s.

“Merry and Pippin died today, Sam,” the elder hobbit said softly. “I don’t hear their song anymore. It was like a single melody and now it’s gone.”

“Haryal nyerenya, melmenya, ” Sam said and began to gently stroke his brother’s curls.

“I wish I had been there.”

Sam raised his Frodo’s chin and wiped at the tears and then smiled gently. “You’ll see them again, meldanya, and their song will be more beautiful than ever.”

Frodo smiled bravely at all the incredible love streaming from his brother’s eyes, into his soul. He put his head back down and wrapped both arms around his guardian. He closed his eyes as Sam began to softly sing, something Frodo remembered first hearing on the Quest. He let that beloved voice sink into him and soothe his grief.

“Should the sun not rise tomorrow,

Should the night not turn to day,

If your road is dark with sorrow,

And you cannot see the way,

Remember, when by trials you are assailed,

As long as I am living, my promise will not fail:

I’ll be your star that shines in shadow,

That burns the brighter when night comes;

I’ll be your lamplight in the window

That shines to guide you home.

When you are lost and lonely,

Like a ship that’s far from land,

Remember that I’m with you,

Reach out and take my hand.

Lean upon my shoulder

When you cannot carry on,

And while the breath is in me,

You will not walk alone.

For whatever time is given me, my dear,

I’ll be here.

“When your burden makes you weary,

When it grows too great to bear,

I’ll be here to help and carry,

Through the darkness, through the tears.

Whatever comes, my promise will be true,

And if I cannot share the load, I’ll gladly carry you!

I’ll be your star that shines in shadow,

That burns the brighter when night comes;

I’ll be your lamplight in the window

That shines to guide you home.

When you are lost and lonely,

Like a ship that’s far from land,

Remember that I’m with you,

Reach out and take my hand.

Lean upon my shoulder

When you cannot carry on,

And while the breath is in me,

You will not walk alone.

For whatever time is given me, my dear,

I’ll be here…

I’ll be here.”

“Elye illume istea i quete,” Frodo said quietly.

Sam kissed his brother’s head, then held him as he slept. He stared up at the light and knew that Frodo rested in the Arms of Another also and he sent his silent thanks for that. He had sung that song first in Mordor, but it seemed right now too, for both burdens filled his master and brother with grief that Sam ached then as now to ease. He wiped at his own tears and then sat silently until Frodo woke and rose. They both bowed deeply, then left.

Sam made a picnic and they spent the rest of the day at the beach, looking east. Frodo brought with him the letters his cousins had written to him and began to read.

Dearest Frodo, where are you now?  Merry wrote. I am writing this at the Grey Havens, looking west. It’s been but a month since you left, but it seems so much longer. I had to come back here, just to be closer to you. Pippin and I waded out as far as we could, which, even with our increased stature, isn’t all that far, but we did it anyway and we stood there for the longest time, just looking toward you, wondering about you, missing you so much we could hardly bear it and loving you just as much. Sam stayed on the shore, but I know he was thinking about you and missing you even more.

I still can’t believe you are really gone, gone forever. I told Pippin on the way back that you were still here, still with us, but it hurts too much to really be aware of that. I know it will come. I have seen glimpses of it already, but sometimes I get so angry that you were so hurt that you can’t be here but in memory. When you left Brandy Hall, I thought my world was ending. A couple days travel away seemed to be a huge gulf I didn’t know how to cross. But I learned that we still loved each other just as much, more all the time and two days was not really all that bad. I couldn’t come into your room and curl up with you any night I wanted, but you allowed me to each night I was with you at Bag End, singing to me so softly, stroking my curls, then kissing me goodnight. I would kiss you too and then we’d slept, holding each other as we always had. You took me fishing and running and walking, just you and me, and you would tell me stories and listen to mine and we had the grandest time. Each time was like you had never left. Now I know what it means to stare across a distance I truly cannot cross and to know I will never be able to curl up with you again or hear you tell me that you love me or sing to me or kiss me. I will never be able to tell you that either or kiss you and that is more than I can bear right now. It was always more.

Is it any wonder that I had to form that conspiracy to make sure you didn’t leave the Shire that first time without me? Hadn’t you always promised you would take me on all your adventures? So of course I had to come and Pippin and Sam and for all the pain it caused, we are still glad we did. I am so proud of you, Frodo, so very proud. You tried to protect us like we tried to protect you, but none of us could. You had your task to do and none could sway you from it. And you were hurt so badly by it, but you did it so we wouldn’t be hurt. I hope, I hope more than I have ever hoped for anything, that you have found some peace and healing where you are now.

I love you, my brother cousin. I love you with all my heart and soul and strength and even to say that seems pitifully inadequate to the power of the love I feel for you. I always have and I always will love you. Never forget that. I’m going to put this message in a bottle and send it along with a kiss and a hope that it will somehow reach you. Perhaps you will know after all. I cannot ever again feel your arms around me or you feel mine, but I have to believe you will somehow in your heart you will feel them and I will too. You can’t be so far away that you are out of the reach of love.

Your Merry

Frodo kissed the note, then held it close to him for a long time, carefully to not mar the parchment with his tears. Then after a long while, he put it reverently back in the box and pulled out the first one he had received from Pippin.

Dearest Frodo, I know Merry’s told you about the time we waded out into the water just to be closer to you. What else could we do? More than anything, we wanted to swim out there and just keep going until we found you. I know Sam was thinking the same thing. Imagine that! He didn’t come close enough for the water to even lap at his toes, but I could see in his eyes the very same longing Merry and I had. I don’t think he dared to come closer because if he did, if he felt the water around him, he would go in and he would keep going. Didn’t you tell me he nearly drowned once already to come to you? And so we all would have tried to come to you.

I don’t know how we restrained ourselves. Merry held onto my hand so tight it hurt but I barely even felt it because I was holding his just as tight. That was the only way we stopped ourselves. I don’t know how Sam did. He just stood there on the dock, in such tears I couldn’t even bear to see it. We just stood there and wondered how we ever let you go without us. Hadn’t we watched you for months before all this started, just to make sure you wouldn’t give us the slip? Didn’t we tell the Elrond in no uncertain terms that we wouldn’t be parted from you in Rivendell? But we just let you go this time. We should have just stormed the ship and forced the Gandalf and the Elves to take us with you. Wouldn’t you have been happier that way? I know we would have, at least Merry and I would be and I know Sam wishes something fierce that he was with you, but he would never leave Rose or his bairns. We all know though that Bilbo is not going to last much longer and it’s a wonder he had lived this long. When he goes, you’ll be the only hobbit and I know you are going to be dreadfully lonely and that tears at us something awful.

But there is something more than just mere longing for something that can’t be in Sam’s eyes like there is in Merry’s and mine. In your faithful gardener’s eyes, that longing is for something that can’t be yet. That’s the difference I think that is sustaining him. He has unconquerable hope that he will see you again. He doesn’t talk about it much I think because he knows how frightfully jealous Merry and I are, but as jealous as we are, we are also so happy for him that at least one of us will be with you again. So in the midst of all our terrible grief, we have that one piece of our hearts that is untouched, that can be joyful and I hope it will only spread and swallow the pain and we can celebrate your life, instead of mourning your loss.

Oh, I did want to send you this letter, but it’s dreadfully sad and you certainly don’t need any more of that. But perhaps you will take heart at Sam’s hope which I know is the same as yours, and you will know how much we all love you, how very, very, very, much we love you. You asked me once if I knew what forever meant. I do. It’s as long as we are going to love you. It’s a horrible thing to see that road ahead of me without you beside me to walk upon it, but at the end of that road, there I will find you. Gandalf told me all about it. Neither of us are there yet, but we will be and I fully expect to see you there, cousin, so don’t be late!

Your Pippinsqueak, now and forever.

Frodo kissed that letter as well and held it long before putting it aside, marked and smeared by the years and tears as the others were and picked up another one of Pippin’s.

Dearest cousin, Merry called me Pippinsqueak today. It just came out naturally, that name only you had ever used. We just looked at each other then and realized anew how much we missed you, that you were never going to call me that again, and we became miserable puddles of tears in each other’s arms. But after that, after he had wiped at mine and I had wiped at his, we smiled at each other and decided that perhaps it would be nice to be called that again, to hear and say it again, in your honor.

We are not hurting so much because we are finally able to notice how much you are still here with us. I was looking around Bag End the other day and found tucked away in hole in the corner, a piece of paper I had drawn on when I was just a little lad - the stick figures I made of you and me and Merry and how we were all smiling and holding hands. Your cheek and forehead had little marks on it to signify the marks of grape jelly that my lips were always covered with and would cover you whenever I would kiss you. I remember how pleased you were at the drawing and you said you wanted to have it be with you always so you tucked away there so it would always be safe. It made me want to look for more treasures and I found more tucked away in your favorite books and some among your writings. I wonder if you had forgotten about them or simply just wanted to leave them behind, so we would still have a bit of you to remember happy times with.

Are you happy now, cousin? I hope so. I love you so much, so very, very much. How can mere words tell you? Remember all those hugs we used to give to each other, so tight we couldn’t breathe? Even those could never even come close to what we wanted to express so we tried all sorts of ways - the soft kisses, the murmured songs and ‘I love you’s. I treasured and still treasure them all, but I realize ever more how terribly inadequate they are. I miss you just as much as I love you, but I know you are still with me and I am still with you and that is helping me. Merry and Sam understand now too and that hope of reunion is continuing to shine in your Sam’s eyes. You should see it! Someday we all hope you will.

Your Pippinsqueak, forever and ever

Frodo continued to read through the long ago memorized collection, until he picked up the last ones from Pippin and Merry, the ones Sam had brought with him.

Dearest Frodo, how long it has been since we said goodbye, but how short it has been since I last felt you and heard you. I don’t know how any of that is possible, but I still remember you coming to me at my coming of age party and I remember you at my wedding and Merry’s and I can recall at a moment’s notice your joy I felt on top of my own at the birth of my children and our Merry’s and your Sam’s. He named one after each of us, including Bilbo. Did you know that? So it’s very good to know that there is still a Frodo of the Shire here. Merry and I will be leaving soon ourselves. Sam is all ready to leave. His heart has been heavy with Rose’s death, but it is filled also with the anticipation of seeing you. How we wish we could go with him and see you! We can’t now, but we will one day and not by ship. I still don’t understand, but Gandalf told me about it all those years ago and I have not lost my faith in those words. I will see you again, cousin and then what joy there will be! I love you ever more and more, and though I miss you still, I know how much you are still with me. I can close my eyes even now and remember you, see your mischievous smile and watch your eyes dance and shine with such love and hear your lovely voice and feel your arms around me. Love knows no boundaries. I think that is the great gift your parting gave us. You did all you could to keep us safe and even when you left, you were still here, watching over us. I know you always will be. One day I will be able to thank you for that.

Your ’squeak, forever

Frodo smiled softly at the love and joy in that letter, then picked up Merry’s.

My dearest Frodo, it’s been many years now since you left. Sam is ready to leave now himself and I think the last thing tying Pippin and me to the Shire is about to be loosed. Estella and Diamond have both passed and those holes in our hearts ache to be filled with something else. We are going to Rohan first, to see King Eomer. Then we are going to Gondor to see Aragorn. We wish to do our last bit of service to our respective kings before we die as I believe will be soon enough. I don’t regret it. I so long to see you and Mama and Papa and Estella and the two bairns we lost. The hope that I will is giving these weary limbs the strength to go on.

Sam is going himself to the Havens. We said our goodbye’s yesterday and he is having one last night with his family. You should see them all! Thirteen! And he’s a Gaffer too! We all are. Imagine that. I couldn’t when I faced the Witch-king, Pippin couldn’t when the troll almost crushed him, and Sam told me he couldn’t when he sat with you at the Fire, waiting to die. But all made it. I know somehow you are still with us. I have felt your arms around me during the best and worst times of my life. I have heard your voice so softly, so full of love, I have felt your lips brush my brow. Have you felt all the love I have sent you? I hope so. I will not say goodbye, but soon, I hope, I will be saying hello. If I go before you, I will wait for you by the Gates.

Your Merry, forever.

“I will look for you there,” Frodo said softly. He wrapped his arms around himself and closed his eyes and pretended it was both his cousins embracing him.

A/N: “Elye illume istea i quete” is “You always know what to say.” The song is, of course, from the queen of songs.