Chapter Fourteen:  Anniversary

Some months later, Frodo was awakened by the sound of Sam sobbing. He turned and wordlessly took his brother into his arms. Sam held onto him tightly and cried into his shoulder. Frodo murmured what comforts he could. After Sam’s tears exhausted themselves, Frodo still held him.

"Nanye nyerinqua, meldanya," the younger hobbit said.

Frodo brushed at his curls. "Don’t be ridiculous, ammelda. You have nothing to be sorry for. Do you want to tell me what has you so upset?" he asked quietly, then held his breath, fearful of the answer.

"I miss my Rose. It was a year ago today that she died."

"Haryal nyerenya, otornoya, but I am glad I can be here with you so you aren’t alone. I know how hard it is to be like that. But it must be even harder for you, leaving behind all your children and grandchildren as well as losing Rose."

"I miss them, but all my children are grown, all moved out long ago, to live their own lives. And as you know Bag End is too big a place for just one person. You said I would know when it was time to leave and I did."

"Then you don’t regret that you came?" Frodo asked, still fearing the reason for the tears.

Sam looked up at his beloved master and saw the fear in those eyes, in the tense set of his shoulders. He smiled tenderly and touched his cheek. "Of course not, meldmenya. I’ve been waiting to come since the day you left. I don’t regret it all."

Frodo relaxed. "I’m glad, Sam. Let’s go have a picnic today. I know just the place. You can tell me more about Rose. Let us use this sad day for joyful memories instead."

Sam smiled bravely. "I’d like that," he said. "But I’m making the picnic."

Frodo smiled. "Anything you say, ammelda."

After breakfast and Sam had packed the picnic, Frodo led them to the shore where they sat down and looked east. Frodo had his knees drawn up to his chin, his arms wrapped around his legs. Sam sat cross-legged next to him. After they had sat in companionable silence a little while, Sam began to sing softly as he looked over the water.

"Sleep now, and may thy slumber peace attend,

I’ll e’er be nigh to comfort and defend;

Though I and thou by sad fate parted be,

Know this, beloved one, I’ll still love thee.

"Flowers all fair may blossom in the spring,

Summer may come and with it sunshine bring,

Autumn may pass, and then the winter’s chill,

But know this, beloved one, I’ll love thee still.

"Time may go on, and long may be the years,

But to my heart thou’lt evermore be near.

Sleep now, and may thy slumber blessed be,

Rest in the knowledge that I’ll e’er love thee."

Frodo squeezed his brother’s hand. "That was beautiful, Sam. What a fitting song for her."

He looked out over the water, following Sam’s gaze. "I used to come here every day in the first few months after Bilbo and I came here. I was missing you and my cousins and the Shire so much that I thought I would go mad. This was the closest I could come to you so I would stay here for hours, just looking out over the water. Bilbo came with me sometimes for a little while or Gandalf. They were so worried about me." He paused soberly a moment, then laughed a little. "Bilbo even threatened to rent out my room if I didn’t spend more time in it. I just slept there, every other moment was spent here or in the dark room, and in the summer I even slept here and sometimes in the dark room, when the pain and longing for everything I had left behind, including the Ring, was at its worst. A lot of times I just stared at the dark light and felt the tears stream down my face. Others times I could do nothing but lay curled up on the bench and sob wretchedly. At first, I didn’t scream at all, it didn’t seem right that my pain should mar such a peaceful, wonderful place, but then I began to for I feared for my very life and soul and sanity if I didn’t and then it was only when I was very far away from everyone."

Sam began to gently stroke his brother’s back as they both remembered those dark days.

"Gandalf would sometimes take me out after that and I could scream with him sometimes. It was very hard to scream with Bilbo, but he began to recognize the signs that I needed to or would go mad and very gently, he encouraged me to do so. I think it broke his heart more than anything to hear that. He held me so long after I fell into his arms and just sobbed my heart out. I know I said things that I didn’t remember later. He told me that I had begged to die. He just held me, rocked me, sang to me and told me over and over how much he loved me and how sorry he was and his tears fell into my curls as mine soaked his. I only screamed with him once. It hurt him too much so I didn’t do it again. I found other ways to heal, for his sake as well as my own, but it was so hard, Sam, so very hard."

Sam continued his gentle stroking. He knew his brother needed to talk and so let him without interruption, though his heart broke anew to hear of the agony Frodo had endured.

"But after a long while," the elder hobbit continued, "the pain grew a little less and I discovered the peace I had so long sought and had very nearly given up all hope for. Each day it was a little better and after a while I didn’t need to come here so often. After Bilbo died, I started coming again, then when that wound healed over too, I would only come here on occasion and it was more for the peace it gave me, instead of trying to escape the horrible pain that had consumed me before."

Frodo turned and smiled crookedly at his beloved brother. "I’m sorry, Sam, I’m supposed to comforting you in your pain, not adding to it. It’s all over, long ago, while your pain over Rose is still fresh. I ..."

Sam returned the smile and silenced him with a finger held to his lips. "I’m so sorry it took you so long to heal, melmenya," he said. "I wish I could have been there with you. I wondered too if I would go mad from how much I missed you. Rose was so understanding. Sometimes she would find me just standing instead the threshold, bags still in hand from what she had needed from the market and crying because I had seen the back of a head that looked like yours or I would have heard a laugh that sounded the same. She would take my packages from me and then just hold me and let me cry. She always knew just what to do.

"For a long time, I didn’t even want to enter your room or the study or sit in your favorite chair by the fireplace in the living room. But after a while I did. I would stand in your bedroom and just breathe in what it smelled like. I started writing in the Red Book. I even sat in your chair and smoked a little. It all helped. One time I fell asleep in your chair and I had the most marvelous dream of you. You smiled the most wonderful smile, the kind I had seen through all my childhood when you would look at me or one of your cousins, your whole face lit up and I knew you had been healed. You held me and it was so wonderful to feel that again! I dreamed of you a lot and it hurt a lot in the beginning to have to wake up and find it was not all real, that was I was not going to find you in the study or the breakfast room or outside in the garden waiting to take a walk with me. That morning I woke up in your chair, I was rather stiff, even with a blanket over me that Rose must have put there, but my heart was lighter and I started getting better from then on, though I never stopped missing you."

"Or I you, Sam," Frodo said with a squeeze of his brother’s hand. "Tell me more about your life with Rosie."

They sat for a long time, talking and looking back east. And contentment and peace returned to them both.

A/N: That song is actually a Gondorian lullaby that the queen discovered.  Haryal nyerenya is You have my grief.