Chapter Fourteen: The Decision is Made

When Rosie announced that summer she was pregnant again, Frodo and Sam celebrated that moment, but still the sadness remained shrouded around the Ring-bearer and Sam wished more than ever as the seasons began to change that he could do something to truly heal his brother. He noticed that Frodo’s hand often reached, almost involuntarily, up to his neck before lowering again and hoping Sam hadn’t noticed. The gardener was very glad to see Gandalf come again.

"There has to be something that can be done," the young hobbit pleaded.

Gandalf looked thoughtfully at Frodo’s back. The Ring-bearer was sitting at his desk with the open book, then he closed it and stared off into space. "There is one thing that can help him," the wizard said. He had been hoping for it wouldn’t come to that for Sam’s sake whose face brightened with hope so soon to be crushed, but Gandalf knew though that even as Sam’s heart broke, it was so full of love for Frodo, that the hope that died would be reborn into joy that his brother’s pain would be over, even if his own would continue for some time more.

"If you don’t mind, Sam, I’d like to have a word with him alone." He said it as gently and innocently as he could, but something made Sam nervous, though he didn’t say anything.

"Of course, Mr. Gandalf," he said, bowed slightly and left the room.

Gandalf waited until he heard the door close behind Sam, then he approached that hobbit’s - and his own - dearest friend. "Frodo," he said softly, placing a hand on Frodo’s shoulder.

Frodo looked up at him. "Gandalf," he said and there was great weariness but also relief in that voice.

"Do you want to go walking, my friend?" the wizard asked.

"Yes, that would be good. I need to get away."

The Maia ached for the layers of meaning in those last words. Frodo looked at him and received the compassion and love and understanding in those eyes like a balm to his still battered soul. He took the hand Gandalf offered and they left with a promise to Sam to return soon. The gardener watched the two leave sadly, but still with some hope left in his heart.

"How have you been, Frodo?"

The Ring-bearer stared down at the ground, feet shuffling instead of actually walking. "Sometimes it gets a little better and I can taste joy again, but then it all disappears and I don’t know if I am much farther along the road to being well than I was before. I can’t go on like this, Gandalf. I just can’t. It’s wearying me beyond anything I feel I can bear much longer. But I did what you said.  I’ve learned to scream and cry with Sam. I even told him about the Ring. "

The wizard looked at his friend. "And?"

A faint smile flickered around Frodo's lips. "And it was like you said it would be. It’s helped a little. He forgave me without a thought and I think we are actually closer now than ever, if that’s possible."

The wizard smiled.  They walked a little further along in silence, then,  "I’ve been blessed, Gandalf," Frodo said softly.  "I’ve been so blessed, by Iluvatar’s gifts to me and not just by having Sam with me always. They are what’s held me together this long, what gave me the strength to confess my need, but I want to feel something more than just this terrible longing, hear something else than the Ring’s voice. I do, of course, but it’s always there. I hate it so much that..." Frodo paused and squeezed his friend’s hand tighter for strength and solace. "Sometimes I want to tear into myself as though somehow I could remove it that way," he finished in a much quieter voice.

"That would not help you," the wizard said, concerned that Frodo’s condition had deteriorated that far.

"I know. But it’s so hard sometimes not to do something. Then Sam will come and hold me and while he does, it’s all bearable again. I wish I could be held forever."

"You are, dear one, and not just by Sam."

"I know and I am so grateful for that. I’d go mad if I didn’t have that to hide in when the pain is the worst." Frodo looked up at his beloved friend. "If I did decide to go West, would He be there with me?"

The Maia smiled. "Of course, my boy. He will not abandon you. He wants to heal you."

"I don’t think that can be done here." Frodo looked up beseechingly at his dear friend, tears bright in his eyes. "Oh, Gandalf, what should I do?" He looked away again, continuing on, thinking out loud. "Every time I think I can’t live like this, Iluvatar will come to bless me and I will find new strength to go on, but for how much longer can I keep doing this? I want to live again with no illnesses, no longing and I don’t think that is possible here anymore. The illnesses are just getting worse and even with Sam helping me with the desire, it won’t go away and I don’t think it ever will. I want to stay and I want to leave. But I don’t want to leave Sam or my cousins. He has been so very, very good to me. You have no idea how good. He’s made so many, many sacrifices for me to ease my pain and I know he thinks he’s not doing enough which is ridiculous. How can I just leave that?" He looked back up at the wizard. "How can I live without him?"

Gandalf looked at his beloved friend compassionately. "You will not be living without him. He will always be with you in your heart where ever you go. Both ways remain open to you, Frodo, but only you can make the decision to leave or stay. There are ways to live with chronic pain, but you have been given an almost unheard-of boon to help relieve that, if you choose that. Either path will require sacrifice on your part and on that of those you love most."

Frodo looked away again as they continued walking. "Why must I keep sacrificing, though? Why wasn’t all I did already enough? Why does Sam have to keep sacrificing also?"

"The life of any child of Eru is sacrifice, Frodo. Sometimes it is very hard, sometimes it is very easy. You know that very well already as you were willing to give up everything to save those you loved. And now you may have to give up more to save yourself. Sam was and is willing to endure anything for you. Your cousins also. Iluvatar will not have that go unrewarded. They will have peace if you do. You need to choose the path you think will be best to achieve that."

"I haven’t been able to yet. One part of me keeps thinking it’s very selfish of me to want to leave, to abandon Sam after all he’s done for me. But another part wants to be even more selfish and leave and take him with me, making him abandon his wife and children. I would never do that, but how I want to sometimes!"

"The first is not selfish, Frodo, but it’s good you recognize the second is. You need not fear that you will be separated from him forever though. He will join you when he can, when his time to leave comes, if that is the path you choose. His heart has ever been intertwined with yours just as it has been with Rose. Listen to your soul for direction, Frodo. I know the voice of the Ring is not the only Voice you hear."

"No. I’d truly be mad if it was and I thank Eru everyday that I can hear His also, but the Ring is so loud, Gandalf, so very loud at times. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on."

The Maia’s squeezed the tormented Ring-bearer’s hand. "Let Iluvatar guide you. He will not leave you without the support and love you need. The ship will be ready by your birthday, if that is what you choose. Aragorn will be there also."

Frodo looked up in surprise. "But he can’t leave!"

"He’s not. He’s accompanying Arwen there when she bids farewell to her father."

"I’d like to see him again," the hobbit said softly. "Another one I love that I would be leaving behind. Oh, Gandalf, how can I do it?!" he cried, then more softly, "But how can I not? Either choice seems evil."

"That it is one thing it is not, my dear boy. Your friends want you to heal. If that means a temporary separation, they will grieve as you will, but that doesn’t mean they won’t support you in it. You will go with their love."

"And their tears." He shook his head. "What a terrible birthday present I’d be giving them. I think I will go mad trying to decide."

"Then be silent and perhaps you will discover that you’ve already made the decision and you just need to accept it, whatever it may be."

"Perhaps."

Frodo did listen to the silence that night. He stood at his bedroom window and listened to the nightbirds as well, the sound of the wind through the trees, looked at the stars and the moonlight, smelled the air and the grass, touched the flowers that Sam had set out for him in a vase on the table near his window. He left his room then and padded noiselessly to where his Sam slept, arm around Rose and their unborn child. His brother was softly snoring and Frodo smiled as he watched him for a very long time. The child would be named after him if they were blessed with a lad or if the blessing came in the form of another lass, Frodo wondered what her name would be. His fond gaze traveled to Elanor asleep in her own little bed, then after a long while, he returned to his own bed.

Gandalf was right, he thought as he closed his eyes.  The decision had long been made. He slept more easily that night, though tears covered his pillow.