Chapter Five: Birthday Gifts

When Gandalf came for one of his visits to Bag End on the occasion of Frodo’s 53^rd birthday, he was surprised by how pale and thin Frodo was. His last visit, a month earlier, had revealed a hurting, but he hoped, healing hobbit. But now...

"Mr. Gandalf’s here, dear," Sam said as the worried hobbit showed the wizard into the study.

Frodo looked up, visibly drawing himself away from whatever memory had him trapped at the moment. "Thank you, Sam."

He stood and hugged the wizard. "It’s so good to see you, Gandalf. Thank you for coming."

The Maia returned the embrace, startled again at how thin and frail Frodo seemed and how tired his voice sounded. "Happy birthday, my dear boy. I’m very glad to be here. How have you been?"

Frodo’s hesitation was only momentary. Perhaps someone who didn’t know him as well as Sam and Gandalf did wouldn’t have even noticed it. "Sam has been taking very good care of me," he said. No one missed that he didn’t address how he himself was feeling.

"Shall we go for a walk, Frodo?" the wizard suggested and he could feel Sam’s eyes bore into them both, silently begging his brother to say yes. "It’s a beautiful day."

Frodo looked like he would refuse, but Sam was visibly relieved when he said instead, "Yes, that would be nice, I think. Maybe it will clear away some of the cobwebs."

Gandalf smiled, but Sam wondered if his brother was speaking truly of cobwebs or just fatigue. He helped Frodo into his jacket and watched them both leave.

They walked silently for a little bit, Gandalf watching Frodo carefully, but not obviously. "Sam is very protective of you," the wizard said.

Frodo smiled. "He always has been. I’ve been spoiled terribly since I first met him when I arrived to live at Bag End with a horrible cold. He is not only the brother of my heart, but I wonder sometimes if my brother in blood, for I learned very early that he could out-stubborn me whenever he wanted to and no one is more stubborn than a Baggins. He doesn’t allow me to write past luncheon because he doesn’t want the memories interfering with my sleep. He makes sure I eat enough. We go for long walks every afternoon to get out in the sun because I’ve been in the study all morning writing. More often than not, Rosie will pack a picnic for us and Merry and Pippin come often as well."

"I’m glad you are doing so well," the wizard said guardedly, watching his dear friend closely.

Frodo’s smile faded. "As well as I can. There are still some days it’s more of a struggle than I want to bear, but Sam is always there and I know I can go on." He looked up at his friend. "Lady Galadriel gave me one light, but you gave me one much brighter. I can never thank enough for that."

Gandalf smiled gently and Frodo saw all the light and ageless wisdom, love and compassion in those eyes deeper and brighter than he had ever seen them, as though the wizard was merely reflecting the Light the troubled hobbit had started to know. "I was not the one that gave you Sam."

Frodo continued to look at his friend for a moment more, then out to the glory of the day. "I know. Or at least I’m beginning to know. Why have I been so blessed, Gandalf?"

"Because Iluvatar loves His children, Frodo, far, far more than you can possibly imagine. He knows what each one needs long before they do and provides more than they can even conceive to ask for."

"Then why do I still want the Ring?" the hobbit said. "He wouldn’t want me to do so, would He? I had it so long that I can no longer think of myself separate from it. It’s gone, but it’s not." He looked up at his friend. "Will I forever be tormented by this perverse desire?"

The wizard looked into the Ring-bearer’s agonized eyes and into his soul. "No, Iluvatar does not wish for you to still want it, but from nearly the very beginning of time, has evil existed alongside with good and all His children have had to wrestle with it in their time. Such is the burden of all beings while they are within the Circles of the World and Ring-bearers have always had the greater struggle than most, though if they are open to it, they have also received the greater number of graces because of it. It is an unfortunate case, though, that not all of them have been open to those gifts. Gollum had been seeking it since Bilbo took it from him, before you were even born and..."

"Bilbo nearly attacked me when he saw it around my neck at Rivendell," Frodo said softly, still haunted by that. "And he hadn’t seen it in 17 years. Had he been longing for it all that time?"

"Yes."

"Then I am doomed to always desire it as well." The flame of hope Frodo had been so valiantly guarding within his shattered heart and soul guttered.

"As long as you live here in Middle-earth, you will have to struggle with that desire," Gandalf agreed, "but it need not master you. Of the five Ring-bearers in all the ages, you, Bilbo and Sam have been open most to the graces Iluvatar wished to give them all and you have both accepted them, even if you did not know what they were at the time. Sam is one of the greater blessings for you, but the greatest one may still be coming to you and Bilbo and him. If the struggle becomes too wearisome, think of Arwen’s second gift to you. You may go West and seek relief at last from your burden, if you cannot find it here."

Frodo fingered the gem around his neck. "I have thought of it. I’ve dreamt of it at times and it’s always comforted me, but I can’t leave Sam. I just can’t." The Ring-bearer’s voice was almost despairing. "He never left me. Even when I kept leaving him, he always came after me. The Ring twisted me into attacking him again and again and still he stayed. Gollum and Bilbo didn’t have that support that Sam has always given me. His love got me to Mordor. It can bring me back, too, back home at last. I have to believe that."

They walked silently for a little bit, then Frodo spoke again. "Sometimes the voice of the Ring is just a whisper, like an itch you can’t quite reach, an annoyance but nothing more. But sometimes it is a scream and I want to scream with it, just so I can’t hear it. But somehow, Sam can drown it out even then, with just a soft word, a smile, a touch." Frodo smiled and shook his head. "I wish I knew how he did that."

Gandalf smiled. "Because he loves you and love can accomplish all sorts of miracles. Perhaps you will be one of them."

"Perhaps."

They walked along silently for a while longer. Frodo stared down at the ground. "It’s all right if you want to cry, Frodo," Gandalf said softly. "Or scream."

The tortured hobbit raised eyes bright with tears barely held back. "How do you know how much I want to?"

"Because you have always held your heart open. The Ring recognized it and assaulted you mercilessly because you had no defenses against it. You raised those defenses and fought and fought and fought. But you do not have to do it alone. There have always been others to help you with your burdens. You have seen that and felt that."

"I know, but I’m afraid."

"Afraid? Of what?"

"I’m afraid if I start now I would never stop. I could water the entire Shire and if Sam or my cousins saw that, it would only hurt them more and I’ve done far too much of that already. I would be like Merry and Pippin described Isengard being after it was flooded. The place was destroyed."

"I prefer to think of it as being cleansed," the wizard said. "Darkness washing away. It’s causing you and them more pain to keep it all in. Don’t think they don’t see that. Sam especially has always seen you with the eyes of his heart. Don’t think you are sparing them anything."

Frodo didn’t answer. Gandalf sighed, then opened his arms. "Well, if you are so stubborn that you can’t cry with Sam, cry here. Normally I would say birthdays are no days for tears, but let the water cleanse you and maybe you can think a little clearer. Scream all you want. Only the birds will hear you."

Frodo screamed loudly in all his rage for what had been done to him and continued to torment him, all the pain and grief that he had lost so much of himself that he feared more and more he would never regain but glimpses of, if that. Why couldn’t he have joy and peace for more than a few moments? Why did it come to him long enough to make him hope again, that he could heal and would heal, that the pain was finally passing and it was only a matter of time before it disappeared all together, then have that hope and peace disappear again like dew in the morning sun, tossing him back into the darkness and making him despair of ever getting well? He buried his head in the wizard’s cloak and hung on tightly and sobbed until his throat was raw. The ancient Istari held his dear friend against the tears and pain that flooded out, so much for such a small being. He closed his eyes, but his own tears tracked slowly down his aged cheeks. Softly he sung a lullaby, hoping his beloved friend would find some relief.

"Sleep, thou child of Eru,

Safe in his embrace;

May Elbereth surround thee

With her light and grace.

Close thine eyes, beloved,

May thy dreams be blest;

Sleep, thou child of Eru,

And may thy soul find rest.

"Sleep, thou child of Eru;

Dreams I’ll weave for thee:

Dreams of rivers flowing

Onward to the sea,

Dreams of stars that glisten

In the heavens high,

Dreams of fields and forests,

Slumb’ring ‘neath the sky.

"Sleep, thou child of Eru,

Cradled in His arms;

May his love surround thee,

Keeping thee from harm.

Hush now, my beloved,

May thy dreams be blest.

Sleep, thou child of Eru,

And may thy soul find rest."

When Frodo’s sobbing at last eased and he fell into exhausted sleep, Gandalf continued to hold him. One servant of Iluvatar sent a prayer of thanksgiving that His other one was now resting peacefully, surrounded by Light and receiving further blessings of hope, solace and love that reached directly into the troubled Ring-bearer’s heart even if he didn’t hear or understand the words.. Frodo indeed felt better upon waking two hours later. He smiled bravely for his friend. "Thank you," he said.

He looked up at sun, a little alarmed at how it was already beginning to dip slowly in the sky."We should be getting back. Sam will be getting worried. And Merry and Pippin should be here by now. But let’s take the long way around. I don’t want them to see how red my eyes must be."

When they did arrive back at Bag End, Sam took one look at Frodo, and as Gandalf knew he would, saw the truth. Merry and Pippin did too. But they were glad, too, that Frodo seemed less burdened. And gladder still, that his smiles upon seeing them were genuine, his embraces tight and his words of welcome strong. Gandalf smiled.

The best moment for them all was when there was a knock on the door. Frodo was surprised when Sam did not automatically go to answer it.

"It’s for you, dear," he said with a tender, just slightly mischievous look.

Frodo raised an eyebrow and went to answer it himself. His eyes widened when he saw who was standing there and he nearly jumped in excitement.

"Aragorn!" he exclaimed. "What a wonderful surprise! How..."

The king laughed as he took his brother into his arms for a tight embrace, lifting him up as though he were a child. "Happy birthday, tithen gwador!" he said. "Did you think I would miss this?"

Frodo held his beloved friend for a long time and they were all cheered by how bright his face was.

When Aragorn finally let him down, the Ring-bearer looked at Sam who smiling widely. "Now I know why you’ve been looking so pleased with yourself these last few weeks. I should have known something was up."

Sam flushed, but didn’t look away. "This is your first birthday back home, dear. I wanted it to be special. I know how much you’ve missed Mr. Strider and all."

Frodo hugged his dearest friend and kissed his head. "Oh, my Sam, you have always known my heart. Thank you so much."

Sam hugged him back. "You’re welcome, dear. Many more happy birthdays."

Dinner was one of cheer thanks to the king’s surprise visit and Pippin’s non-stop chatter to keep his cousin informed of all the latest gossip in Tuckborough and Buckland, with Merry’s occasional additional comments when he could get in a word edgewise. Frodo smiled throughout the meal, glad for the distraction. He wasn’t sure how interested Gandalf or Aragorn were in the news, but they all listened politely, happy to listen as long as it made Frodo happy. The eldest hobbit also hoped the constant stream gave Sam no time worry about how long he and Gandalf had been out or what they had talked about, though he was aware of all the glances the young gardener made to them both. Still each time their gazes met, Frodo smiled and Sam was more than content with that.

On the rare occasions that Pippin stopped for an instant for breath or to heed one or the other of his cousin’s admonitions not to talk with his mouth full, someone else would get in a word or two, but then the tween would start up again. But no one minded. The look on Frodo’s face was worth it.

When dinner was over, Frodo laid down his fork and smiled. "Thank you, Rosie, Sam, for that most wonderful meal."

Rose beamed. "You’re most welcome, Mr. Frodo," she said.

"Keep your fork, cousin," Pippin said. He looked at Merry and Sam who exchanged conspiratorial smiles and disappeared into the kitchen.

Frodo’s smile widened. "Another conspiracy?"

Pippin’s features assumed their most innocent expression. "I’m sure I don’t know what you are talking about it, cousin," he said in a wounded tone.

"I’m sure you don’t, ’squeak dear," Frodo said agreeably. He switched his gaze to another friend. "Actually, I think you, Gandalf, are part of all this. And I thought you took me out on a walk just because you were concerned about my health. How do you manage to look so innocent when I just know you are as guilty as Sam and probably everyone else here?"

The wizard looked at his dear friend and answered with a completely straight face. "I have had a very good teacher."

Frodo looked at him for a moment longer, then burst into laughter. He hugged his friend as they all celebrated the joy of hearing such a wonderful sound, including Frodo himself.

Sam and Merry emerge from the kitchen with a large cake that they placed in front of Frodo. The Ring-bearer’s eyes widened and tears of joy burned there as he looked at it. The number 53 was inside a large heart. The eldest hobbit looked up at his closest friends who were all beaming at him, their own eyes bright with tears.

"Sam made it, Mr. Frodo," Rose said.

Frodo looked up at his brother and hugged him. "It’s so wonderful, my Sam, so very wonderful. Thank you. I love you."

"I love you, too, dear."

Frodo looked at all his friends. "I love you all so much."

"We love you, too," they all said at once and then Frodo did begin crying, but wiped his tears away. Gandalf looked at him a little sadly. Oh, Frodo, can’t you even let your friends see your joyful tears?

"We were going to put candles on it," Pippin said, "but we were afraid with that many, half the Shire might burn down if anything happened."

"Like if you reached for your piece too quickly, you greedy Took?" Merry asked.

Pippin assumed an offended expression while Frodo and the others smiled. "I can hardly be blamed if I did," the tween said. "I was already starving when I got here as you well know. Then I find my favorite cousin isn’t even home and I got shooed out of the kitchen before I even got a foot inside."

"Sam did give you an apple," Merry reminded. "And there was that pear you stole."

"But someone should have sampled the cake to make sure it tasted good."

"And trailed their finger through the left over batter and licked the spoon," Frodo added.

"Someone did," Sam said under his breath.

Merry looked guilty for a moment, then smiled innocently. "I didn’t want any of it to be wasted."

Pippin looked quite hurt and shocked. Frodo stroked his arm. "Poor Pip, doubly cheated out of all the fun. I’ll make it up to you, ’squeak dear. Tomorrow we’ll make sweetcakes and you can do all the trailing and licking you want. How’s that sound?"

"Would you help me?" the tween asked, looking up at his eldest cousin while Sam looked as horrified as he dared.

"With the making or the licking?" Frodo asked with a bemused smile.

Pippin grinned. "Both. And the trailing."

Frodo laughed. Sam saw what the tween was doing and was slightly mollified by the cheer that spread through his brother. "I would be happy to, dearheart. And thank you for calling me your favorite cousin, right in front of who we all know really is your favorite."

The tween looked thoughtful for a moment. "It’s a tie, actually. I’ve always loved the both of you ’til I’m sure my heart will burst from it. You know that."

Frodo leaned over to kiss his young cousin’s head. "I know, ’squeak. We love you just as much."

Pippin curled his five fingers around Frodo’s four and squeezed gently. Then he looked at the cake. "Well, let’s eat this magnificent creation, shall we?" And he reached his fork in for a large slice, but Merry batted his hand aside.

"You are a greedy Took!" he said. "It’s not even cut yet!"

The tween looked at his cousin seriously. "I’m a hungry Took, my dearest Brandybuck. There is a difference and we do have a birthday to celebrate. That is not something to be taken lightly."

He reached again for the cake. This time Gandalf stayed his hand. He murmured something the others didn’t quite catch but caused Pippin to pale considerably in horror.

Frodo smiled in delight at having his cousins around him. "Merry, would you please cut the cake before our dear cousin passes out from hunger or from fear of whatever Gandalf threatened to turn him to?"

The tween gave Frodo a grateful look and eagerly awaited his piece. Merry carved out very generous pieces for everyone. Pippin’s eyes longingly followed each plate to its owner, until at last, he finally got this. The tween finished first and was the first to reach for seconds.

"Most delicious, Sam," he praised around a mouth almost too full to understand.

Frodo nodded and swallowed before speaking. "Yes, Sam, most delicious indeed. I appreciate all the trouble you went to."

Sam looked tenderly at his brother. "It was no trouble, dear. I was glad to do it."

Frodo smiled at all the love in Sam’s eyes, his cousin’s, Rosie’s, Gandalf’s and Aragorn’s. A quiet but fierce joy rose in him and a shout inside that drowned the voice of the Ring. He felt truly happy and at peace. He was himself again before the Ring had emptied him of everything but itself. He wrapped one arm around Pippin, the other around Merry and placed his head against Sam’s chest as he tried to envelop them all in one large embrace. "Thank you for making this such a happy birthday for me."

He felt three separate kisses bless his head as the other hobbits grasped him back. "You’re welcome, dearest," each of them said.

They held onto each other for a long time, not wanting to part, then finally did. Merry and Pippin wiped at Frodo’s glad tears and Frodo at theirs, then the four smiled at each other.

"So who wants the last piece?" Pippin asked, fork poised to pounce.

"You do!" all the others chorused together, Gandalf and Aragorn included and then they all laughed, Frodo the loudest and the others cheered within themselves to hear such a sound.

"Well, if you insist...," the tween said.

Frodo mussed his cousin’s curls. "We do, but don’t wake me in the middle of the night complaining of a bellyache."

"No," Merry said, "he’ll wake me. He always does, clutching his stomach and moaning and groaning dramatically about how he’s sure he’s going to die before daybreak."

"The peppermint tea is on the second shelf in the kitchen," Frodo supplied helpfully.

"Thank you, cousin," Merry said as Pippin finished his third piece and would have trailed his fingers through the crumbs had not Merry skillfully moved the plate away from him.

The tween pouted and sulked for a moment, then took Frodo’s hand and sat there contentedly for a while as the others got up and starting clearing the dishes away. Pippin lay his head on his cousin’s shoulder. "Happy birthday, cousin," he murmured.

Frodo smiled, kissed his head and stroked his curls gently. "Thank you for helping make it so happy, dearest ’squeak," he said.

"Many, many more."

"So you can have more cake?"

"Sam worked very hard on that cake. Someone had to do it justice."

"It was good of you to take on so much of that great responsibility yourself."

"A Took never shirks when duty calls."

Frodo laughed. He took his cousin into his arms and hugged him tightly. "I love you so much, you greedy Took."

Pippin laid his head against his cousin’s chest where he could hear his heartbeat. "I love you, too, you silly Baggins."

When the others had returned from the kitchen, Frodo presented his birthday gifts to his cousins, Sam, Rosie and Gandalf. He looked embarrassed at his king. "I’m so sorry, Aragorn, that I have nothing for you. I didn’t know I would be so blessed to have you with me. But I should have guessed there was another conspiracy afoot with Sam positively glowing with anticipation over something for weeks."

Rose hugged her husband and Merry and Pippin slapped Sam’s back. The gardener beamed. The evening had gone better than he had dared hoped.

Aragorn smiled widely. "Do not fret over me, tithen gwador. Merely seeing you again and happy is more than gift enough."

The king, wizard and eldest hobbit retired to the parlor for tea while the other four cleaned up the dining area. "Come and tell me of all that’s happening in the White City," Frodo said. "How is the queen? How is your son?"

"They are all doing very well, thank you."

They sat down close together on a couch near the fire. Frodo faced away from it, but was grateful for its warmth. He leaned his head against the man.

"I’m so glad you came, gwador nin," he murmured. "I’ve missed you so much."

"The joy is mine, mell min," the king replied and kissed his brother’s head softly. "I have missed you sorely. How are you? Gandalf was hopeful last time I saw him."

Frodo looked up at both of dear friends and smiled lopsidedly. "So he’s your spy, too? Do I have any secrets left at all?"

"None," the wizard said. "You haven’t answered his question."

The Ring-bearer sighed. The cheer of the evening seemed to have already left him. "Sam has taken very good care of me. Merry and Pippin come often and it’s always wonderful to see them. My writing is progressing. But not much has changed. I still suffer from illnesses on the 6^th and 13^th. The nightmares come and go. I had hoped that coming home would help more. I keep waiting to feel better, to feel more like myself, like I used to, before. I get nothing but these agonizingly short glimpses and then it all disappears again."

Aragorn looked at the hobbit sympathetically, his heart aching for the pain his beloved brother was still in. "To go back is something everyone who has gone through a terrible trauma longs for, but it cannot be, tithen gwador. After the siege of the City, I saw so much of that. I saw men missing an arm or leg or eye. I saw children who would not walk again. They have all wanted to go back to the way things were before. It is another wound under the first one that is even more difficult to heal than the injury that caused it and I have grieved to watch all those struggle with that longing and I have celebrated each time they have overcome it." Aragorn reached out to touched his friend’s cheek. Frodo raised his eyes to his dear friend. "You can heal too, if you always look forward with the same courage that got you this far. It can carry you even farther. You are so much more than a Ring-bearer, Frodo. You are a being of incredible light and beauty and love. I can see that, Gandalf can, Sam can, Bilbo can and Merry and Pippin know it. Even if they can’t see your light with their eyes, they have always seen it with their hearts. Can you see it as well?"

Frodo looked up to make sure they were still alone. "I have. It’s still so far off I think I will never reach it, but I’ve seen it. Across the Sea." He looked at Aragorn. "Thank you, my king. That gives me hope."

He leaned against his friend’s chest, wrapped his arms around Aragorn’s waist and closed his eyes. Man and wizard looked at each other over the hobbit’s head. The question was clear in the man’s features, why did this dear being still have to suffer so? Why couldn’t he have joy for more than a few moments at a time? Gandalf nodded down at their beloved friend in reply. As they watched, peace and light returned to Frodo’s features as Iluvatar covered His child with love. Aragorn relaxed and brushed at his brother’s curls. He murmured a silent thanksgiving even as he mourned for all the pain that had come and would still come to Frodo and to himself and all those the Ring-bearer loved. He had many times gone away by himself or sometimes with Arwen before and after Frodo had left the City and let out his rage that a being of such beauty and light had been so abused, had even raged at Eru Himself for allowing it to happen, but after all that had been drained, he felt peace and love and compassion come from his Creator and understood what a blessing it was that Frodo was loved beyond anything he could ever conceive. He knew that his Creator accepted his grief and rage as he offered up all the tears shed on that being’s behalf. His arms tightened a bit around his beloved brother as he watched him sleep. It would not be until he had passed beyond the Circles of the World himself that he would see the completion of all Iluvatar meant for Frodo, but he was grateful for this small glimpse.

Gandalf watched also. Better than anyone, he knew Frodo would not feel at home until he was home. The Maia grieved that was another source of pain for the hobbit as he began to understand that home was not in the Shire. But he hoped the pain would ease as Frodo accepted all that had happened to him and was continuing to happen to make him whole again and filled with the joy he had been created to have. It would not be easy, but the Maia smiled now as his beloved friend sleep contentedly, not only just in his king’s arms, but in the arms of his Creator. Hold on, my dear boy, hold on, he thought as he watched over his charge. There is so much joy to come. He sent a silent plea that some of it would be here before Frodo passed. Immediately, he also sent his thanks for he had no doubt his prayer was already answered.

Sam returned from the kitchen and watched in wonder at the three. His brother was sleeping, softly glowing and Gandalf was as well, brighter than he had ever seen the wizard. It cheered him but frightened him at the same time.

A/N: I'd give you three guesses where that lullaby came from, but you don't need three, do you? :)