Chapter 59 – “So It Ends”

Halladan was quieter than usual on their walk, Penny noted. He had that look about him that she now recognised as meaning he had something on his mind. This, coming on top of the growing sense of unease she had felt over the past day or two, only served to make her feel somewhat awkward and uncomfortable, so she too was silent for a while.

Eventually, she started to do anything to distract them both – asking what bird it was that they could hear singing, or trying to test her knowledge of plants by saying the names of those she thought she recognised. Halladan leapt on this tactic with ready enthusiasm, chattering about flora and fauna as if silence would only mean he would have to broach whatever topic it was that was really on his mind.

At last, after an hour’s walking in a gentle arc through the trees round the southern edge of the halls, they came across a bench and sat for a while, admiring the scene and listening to the birdsong. It was some minutes before Halladan finally spoke and when he did so he did not look at her, or only half-glanced quickly in her direction every now and then.

“Pen-ii,” he began hesitantly, “I… I have something to discuss with you. It is something that I have thought about most seriously for quite some time but now I feel that…er…”

As he cleared his throat Penny wondered why she felt a strange sort of sinking feeling.

“Pen-ii, you have, I hope, got to know me well over the past several months. You have, again I would hope, formed a good opinion of me and my character, as I have of you. I, ah…” He sighed slightly, searching for the words. “I am not sure I can ever properly thank you for the friendship that we have shared and which I value highly. When I was ill… I do not know how many women outside of the Dunedain would have been quite as… stubborn and understanding as you were. You helped me greatly, even if it was against my better judgement at first, and I am beholden to you for it. In return I hope that, perhaps in some small way, I have provided a means for you to unburden yourself and come to terms with your grief and loss.”

He cleared his throat once more and glanced sideways at her; and the more he talked and the more uncomfortable he seemed to get, the more Penny felt a cold and tight knot of tension and something even close to panic forming within her stomach as she it slowly dawned on her what this might well be inevitably leading up to.

“Let me be frank, Pen-ii. I am not the man I used to be. No, do not interrupt! I… I have to say this. It is the truth. You know well enough what I experienced in the south and what it did to me, what… scars I was left with. I am better, yes, but it may be I will never be wholly well. Oh, I do not doubt that Faelon and others have spoken well of my progress to you but…” He was struggling once more. “There are still moments when… I do not say this to alarm you, only to explain... Oh, I could care for a wife, look after her, but this leg is weak and always will be. This winter it has pained me at times.”

He glanced at her and mistook the expression on her face which was actually due to her shock and growing distress at what he was talking about as she began to suddenly make sense of his behaviour all that day.

“I did not tell you because I did not want you to worry about me,” he admitted, “but it is the truth. And there are times at night when… I wake myself up with shouting. Only once or twice in truth,” he added hurriedly, “but even so, any woman who… any woman who I might consider as a wife would have to be aware of such things.”

‘Oh God. Oh God, Oh God, Oh God. No. No, no, no, no, please do not do this. Please, I’m begging you, Halladan, PLEASE…’

“Halla—”

“Pen-ii, please. Let me finish. I am, in all truth, a broken man, and as such I fear I am not wholly fit for marriage, no matter my lineage or my race. A true husband is one who does not have to carry a stick with him just in case, who never has to worry his leg might fail him should he have to protect his family…”

For a moment he was speaking with true bitterness in his voice and it hurt Penny terribly to hear him talk this way, nearly as much as the whole scenario was tearing her apart.

“…He is not one who wakes in the night weeping like a child, visions of…” He pulled himself short. Another flickered glance in her direction. “Forgive me. You… you take my point.” Another cough. “As regards you, Pen-ii, then you yourself admit that you have much to learn, though indeed you have learnt much. You are unskilled in many matters, I know, but I could teach you where perhaps another man could not or indeed would not, not seeing why he should take the time to do so.”

“Halladan, pl—”

“Pen-ii, I am only trying to be honest! It is my nature. You know that. We need to accept that neither of us would find it easy to find others willing to marry us. You need someone who knows you well to look after you and guide you, who knows your history, who not only understands where you might be weakest but is willing to help with matters that normally would be entirely a woman’s domain. And I, er, ahem, I think it would be unfortunate were we to live our lives alone when we enjoy each other’s company…”

“Hal—”

It was so quiet that he did not hear her, nor realise she was weeping.

“… so much and consider each other friends. I think we might be able to make a reasonable life together, perhaps, in our own way, do you not? What say you, Pen-ii? Would y—?”

Only now did he turn to her fully at last, and only now did he look at her properly and realise she was in obvious distress. It stopped him dead in his tracks mid-sentence.

For her part Penny almost felt as if she was in physical pain. This was the worst possible thing to have happened. It had been one thing for her to plan and decide and accept her fate in her head, but she had never for a moment dreamt that Halladan would propose. She realised now that this was what she had feared might be coming over these last few days, and to have the man she loved so desperately, cared for so much, had worried about and thought about almost since the day she had met him, to have him sitting next to her about to ask her to be his, something that would in any other circumstances have filled her with so much joy… and yet have no choice but to refuse – it was heartbreaking, pure and simple.

She was upset, and hurt, and angry, so, so, angry at fate and circumstance which had meant things had come to this. And she was angry with Halladan too for having made such a piss-poor hash of it, without even telling her he loved her, without even telling her he thought about her or how he felt about her. He had made it sound like ‘we’re two broken, ugly ducklings who will never find anything better than each other so I guess we had better make do with that’ which just infuriated her, even though at the same time it made no odds what he had said or how he had said it and oh God, damn and bugger it why did he have to look at her like that?

For a moment they held each other’s gaze: Penny beyond upset and in a turmoil of emotions, Halladan in something akin to shock at witnessing a reaction from her that he had not anticipated in the least.

“I am sorry,” she whispered, tears streaming down her face, shaking her head gently. “I am so, so sorry…”

His face changed slowly. It hardened slightly and it was as if he swallowed something deep down into himself.

“May I ask why?” he said, his voice taut.

She looked down at her hands, struggling to rein in the tears with little success.

“I decided some time ago that I would never marry anyone, Halladan. I cannot.” She looked up and the stony, cold expression on his face nearly shattered what little was left of her composure. “Gandalf could not promise me that I would never return home. If I were to marry, perhaps even to have children, and then one day disappear…? I could not do that to someone, to anyone I cared for, Halladan. I will not.” She paused and the silence was almost unbearable. She tried to choose the best, most appropriate sounding phrases, to somehow conform to whatever etiquette might be required in such a situation. “I am most honoured that you would—”

But even as she spoke he stood up and spoke over the top of her.

“Very well, then. It seems that there is little more to discuss.” His voice sounded strained and Penny realised, with a shock, that he seemed angry. “Forgive me if I have embarrassed you in any way, Pen-ii.”

“Embarr…? No!”

“I will forever remain your guardian and your friend.”

Then he inclined his head stiffly just once and then stalked off through the trees towards the halls while Penny stared after him, bewildered.

She kept staring at the place amongst the trees where she had last seen his retreating back long after he was lost from view. For many long minutes she could barely even begin to process what had just happened. She felt everything and nothing at the same time. She felt numb, and yet it was only because there was so much to feel and think all at once that she did not know which to choose first, which to let loose, since everything wanted to surge forward in one great rush. She teetered, wavering on the brink, like some child lost at sea on the crest of a wave or like someone with the wind knocked out of them, unable to catch their breath and just waiting for that moment when at last they can gasp and choke and retch. And then it came. At last she broke, nearly collapsing forward into her hands as she sobbed and cried like there was no tomorrow.

She was little aware as she wept of how Halladan, torn between humiliation, anger and, yes, some hurt, stormed back to the halls to find Arvain waiting for him since he, of course, knew of Halladan’s intentions and had even been told that this afternoon would be The Moment. She could not know that Lindir was with Arvain, the two talking low, and that it was clear from Lindir’s broad smile as he saw Halladan that Arvain had not been able to keep his mouth shut. Penny knew nothing of Halladan’s clipped, barking tone to Arvain as he announced curtly that they were leaving on the morrow and, when Arvain hesitated in bewilderment, Halladan just kept on walking towards the buildings, saying that if Arvain chose to stay that was his own affair, but he would leave at dawn or soon after. Nor could she see Arvain chase after him, halt him and ask what in Arda had occurred, nor Halladan’s brief, strained, “She refused me,” by way of reply.

Only later would she hear of Arvain’s astonished response to Lindir’s concerned questioning, how Lindir had sent Arvain after Halladan while he sought out Mireth since it was clear that something had gone horribly wrong, something entirely contrary to everyone’s expectations and that, whatever illogical or unreasonable reasons Penny might have had for doing what she had done, it had long been clear to all that she loved Halladan deeply and would thus be in something of a state right now.

For Penny, back amongst the trees, even when the tears could come no more she sat, lost, bereft and utterly distraught on the bench, staring at nothing, unable to think but with already a cold, creeping doubt deep within her gut that she had just made the biggest mistake of her life. She was in so much pain and confusion her head was spinning. It had made sense, seemed so clear to her all this time, but when faced with him actually… not that he had actually got to the point of… and he had never said that he truly… but now, oh bloody buggering hell, NOW… now it seemed like her entire world had caved in on itself.

Arvain, Lindir and Mireth briefly held a council of war on what had transpired. Arvain had managed to get very little out of Halladan beyond the fact that she had rejected his proposal since she had decided to never marry. Arvain seemed to feel that Halladan perhaps saw it was some sort of elegant excuse or contrivance to let him down gently – that she was actually rejecting him personally, rather than marriage as a whole, though Arvain could not be sure. Apparently Halladan was furious to the point of barely speaking, even to his own brother, and was currently busily flinging things into his pack in readiness to leave as soon as possible.

Arvain also briefly explained that when he had met Halladan in the wild some weeks ago, just prior to Halladan’s previous visit to Imladris and the first Arvain had seen of him since the Mettarë celebrations, Halladan had finally opened his heart to him, saying he had spoken at length to Elrond about his turmoil, how he was having difficulty reconciling the feelings he had for Penny with his role as guardian and especially with his sworn promise to a dying Halbarad that he would act in his stead. Just as Mireth had suspected, Halladan had seen his role as that of brother or father and had been shocked if not appalled to realise he felt something entirely different. Needless to say, Elrond had set him straight, making it clear that all Halbarad had ever wanted was for Penny to be protected and cared for, and that Halladan could do that just as well if not better as her husband rather than as a mere guardian.

Still he had prevaricated and wavered, explaining it all to Arvain in the dark of some wooded glade as they cooked a frugal meal together. Arvain had told him, gently if frankly, that he was an ass. Halladan had not taken kindly to it, but the next morning before they parted, Arvain had then made the point that Halladan had best think long and hard how he would feel if he chose not to pursue Penny but instead allowed her to be married off to someone else since, as Arvain pointed out, she could not stay unmarried without it causing comment. How would he feel, he had asked him, at the thought of another man caring for her, loving her, kissing her, even, to be blunt, taking her to his bed?

That Arvain was more than likely speaking from his own bitter experience with Hisaeleth might well have made Halladan take his words to heart, but whatever the case, the next Arvain had known he was getting a message from Halladan to meet him at their home where Halladan announced he had taken his brother’s and Elrond’s advice to heart after having paid Penny one more visit in the meantime to assess the true strength of his feelings for her now that he had laid them bare to others. From there they had ridden together straight to Imladris.

Except now Penny had thrown it all back in his face, and by all accounts he was not taking it at all well.

Mireth said she would go and search for Penny. Lindir and Arvain offered to come with her, but she said no, better she went to find her alone.

“Just keep an eye out for her in case she returns before I can find her.”

Dusk was drawing in by the time Mireth spotted her, shivering slightly though she little realised it and still sitting in the same position as when Halladan had left. She did not hear Mireth arrive, indeed she barely registered Mireth taking her hand once she had sat down next to her.

“Ai, Pen-ii,” Mireth breathed gently. “What have you done?”

Penny turned to her then, chin wobbling, eyes brimming once more, the pain and distress clearly written in her face. Mireth wrapped a shawl that she had brought with her round Penny’s shoulders and then hugged Penny to her chest, resting her chin on Penny’s head. Penny simply let herself be held. There were no tears save one or two. She had cried herself out for now.

“Come. Let us get you back to the halls,” Mireth said quietly.

“Mireth…” Penny’s look was almost pleading.

“I know. Tell me all about it once we are in the warm.”

Mireth took Penny to her room, nodding to Lindir whom she spotted loitering outside a different entrance to the one she used to indicate he could now stand down.

It was dark by the time they got there, Penny sitting dumbly on the bed while Mireth set a fire in the grate. Once it was ablaze, Mireth insisted Penny come and sit on the small rug in front of it with her to warm herself while she told her exactly what had happened. Mireth did not interrupt once as Penny spoke, only listened silently, sometimes shaking her head and sighing slightly perhaps, but otherwise letting Penny get everything out of her system, starting with the decision she had made so long ago and the full reasoning behind it, let alone how it applied to Halladan in particular, before she moved on to the specifics of the proposal itself and the events leading up to it.

“Ai, Pen-ii,” Mireth said softly at last. “Did Mithrandir not tell you to live your life as if you were to stay here forever?”

“But he could not say for certain that I would not—”

“And yet in spite of that fact even he, a Maia, greater and wiser than any elf, gave you clear advice that you then chose to ignore.”

It was an admonishment but a gentle one - a friend speaking to a friend who has acted unwisely in their estimation. Penny said nothing, though her eyes filled with tears once again as she looked down at her hands, twisting them in her lap. She knew Mireth was right.

“But more than that, Pen-ii, did you forget what Arwen said to you before we left Rohan, when she bade you farewell? You told me of it yourself later. Do you not remember?”

Penny looked at her, confusion but also the hint of slowly dawning understanding in her eyes.

Oh God… She had forgotten. She had entirely forgotten Arwen’s words to her that day, indeed had never stopped to consider their import, had not even realised they had any.

“She told me she had had some foresight about you,” Mireth explained, keeping her voice as soft, gentle and tender as possible so as to try and ease the pain of what she was about to say, “though she did not tell me what it was nor what it related to, only that you would face a choice in the coming months once you returned here and that she hoped you would choose wisely.” She took Penny’s hand in hers, her face full of pity. “Only now that this has happened do I realise the import of her words to you that day. Only now do I realise that this must have been the moment to which she was referring.”

Penny’s mouth had gone dry. She could not swallow, but she felt like she was sinking somewhere deep and dark, air rushing past her ears.

“You cannot dictate where love will fall, and to deny it is bitterness indeed…”Arwen’s words now echoed round her head. “I hope you might know such a love one day. And it may be you will remember my choice then and understand it that much better: that there are times when you have to accept what fate has decreed shall be, rather than choose the path which, for all it might seem it would cause others less pain, would leave you bereft for all your days and cause those who love you perhaps more pain in seeing you suffer so.”

How could she have been so stupid?! How could she not have seen, not understood…?! And now it was all gone, all over! She had had her chance and she had blown it utterly!

Penny wept bitterly into her hands and all the while Mireth held her gently.

At long last the wave of self-recrimination, despair and distress subsided and Mireth let Penny sit back a little.

“He will not ask me a second time, will he?” Penny said at last, quietly, staring downwards and looking utterly dejected.

Mireth did not respond, not knowing how best to make a diplomatic reply more palatable given Penny’s current state, and that in itself was answer enough for Penny, who felt it like a physical blow to her chest.

“I love him so much.”

“I know you do.”

Mireth smoothed Penny’s hair away from her face. Her expression was one of sadness, sympathy and perhaps a little regret on Penny’s behalf.

“I only thought to…”

“I know.”

Penny looked up at her. “What do I do?”

She looked utterly lost and helpless in that moment.

“First, get some rest as best you can. I will go and talk to Arvain and Lindir to at least explain matters better. No, no, do not fear. They are the only ones that know. Rest assured this is not something that all of Imladris is gossiping about. No one knows and it will remain that way. Come. Up you get.” She had stood and now held out a hand for Penny. “Lie on the bed a while and calm yourself a little. If you can sleep it will do you good. There we are. Now, wait here and I will return presently, I promise.”

Penny meekly obeyed, and Mireth left her staring at the wall, bereft and utterly disconsolate.

Mireth went straight to Halladan’s room where she knew she would find Arvain and Lindir. Both were standing awkward and silent, watching as Halladan slowly and deliberately packed. It was Arvain who had told her to come in when she had knocked, and even once she had entered and closed the door Halladan merely glanced up to see who it might be and then went back to what he was doing without greeting her, his actions jerky with barely contained anger.

“How is she?”

It was Lindir who had asked, and Mireth turned to him. “Distraught,” she said simply. She looked calmly at Halladan. “Halladan, may I talk with you?”

Halladan, not missing a beat as he shoved a spare tunic into his pack, replied tersely, “By all means, Mireth.”

She crossed over to him and laid a hand gently on his forearm, bringing his movements to a stop, though he did not look up at her.

“Halladan, did you listen to what she said to you? Did you hear why she refused you? I knew nothing of it, but it appears she made this decision some time ago, has been trying to convince herself that it was what was best, though every part of her being was rebelling against it.”

Still he did not look at her. Still she kept her hand on his arm.

“She said enough, Mireth. It took much for me to bring myself to the point of—”

“I know. I told her as much when you left us as we travelled north. I could guess then the nature of your feelings and why you had reacted as you did after your… moment by the spring.”

Only now did his head lift sharply to look at her, something close to alarm and certainly guilt in his eye. Mireth smiled and almost chuckled.

“Oh, come, Halladan. Did you really not realise your feelings for her before then? Arvain and Lindir here could tell you they saw it in you long before. Do you realise that she was upset and worried that she had offended you in some way when you behaved as you did?”

“I know.” He looked down and turned away slightly, seemingly a little ashamed. “I guessed as much. But how else could I…? Oh, this is meaningless, Mireth! Why go back over all of this?”

“Because as much as she has tried to see things from your standpoint and, indeed, accepted them, you have to see them from hers also. Her understanding and accepting of your view of guardianship, let alone her own sense of inferiority within our society… it fed into the decision she made – can you not see that? She felt she would make a terrible wife to any man who asked her, to any man who might expect many things of her that she is only just beginning to learn. It never occurred to her you would propose, Halladan. You took her entirely by surprise today.”

“You cannot be serious?” Arvain was incredulous and even Lindir had both eyebrows lifted in astonishment.

“She had convinced herself that Halladan,” Mireth replied, glancing over her shoulder towards him briefly, “as a man of such a strict sense of honour and propriety, would never get over that barrier, and while part of her desperately wanted it to be otherwise, she forced herself over time to accept it, come to terms with it and indeed to find a reason why she herself could never come to him or anyone else.”

“Halladan said something about her fearing she would return home,” Lindir said quietly, and Halladan made a sort of snorting sound.

“Gandalf himself told her how to deal with that,” Arvain interrupted. “He said she should—”

“He was also not able to guarantee she would never leave, Arvain. For her that was the important point.”

“Important be damned, Mireth! If a Maia advises you, then you should act upon it!”

“I know, Arvain, I know. Not only that but Arwen advised her also,” she added quietly. “Pen-ii had not realised the import of what she said, perhaps, indeed I think she had forgotten Arwen’s words to her entirely until I reminded her just now.”

Mireth glanced sideways and caught Lindir’s eye as he looked at her quizzically. He understood the inference immediately, his expression changing to one of interest and surprise.

Halladan was now sitting on his bed, staring furiously at the floorboards, his elbows on his thighs, his hands clasped in front of him.

“Mireth,” he said with a tone that was polite but firm, “with all due respect, I do not see what purpose this serves. She should not have to reject the advice of one as wise as Gandalf himself if she does not want me as a husband. I know… I am not well, that I am not the man I used to be…”

“Halladan! How can you say such a thing?!”

Mireth had been shocked and was cross now. Lindir and Arvain looked at her in surprise at her tone.

“That is not true, and Pen-ii would never think any such a thing of you or any man who had suffered as you have! She told me you said something similar to her when you were trying to propose, and she was very upset by it, Halladan, as am I!”

She softened then and moved his pack to one side so she could sit beside him. “Ai, Halladan, can you not see? She left behind her a family and friends, has grieved long not simply over her own loss but over theirs. That they have been bereft of her, suddenly and inexplicably, has long distressed her and plagued her dreams. I have sat with her night after night, knowing full well with whom she walked and how.”

She paused. “When I explained to her the reasoning behind your behaviour with her that time as best I could fathom it, it made her stop and take stock of how she intended to move forward, how she intended to live her life, and it seems, she decided she could never again willingly put anyone else through what her family have gone through. She was not prepared to take the risk, even though she well understood it might never happen. Halladan, think! She has carried guilt over her foresight for months, has seen dead men walking and known there was nothing she could do. She has wept over every blow, every trauma, loss and upset that this War has caused, let alone its aftereffects here in the north, and felt herself in part responsible no matter who told her she should feel no such thing. You know that! We all in this room know it! How then could she choose a path that might lead to yet more heartache and distress? To suddenly be wrenched away from a man she loved, from children, should she have any, to leave them grieving and knowing she would likely never come back to them so it would be as if she were dead to them?

“And you, Halladan, you whom she loves so very much, how could she knowingly risk placing you in such a situation when she knows only too well how much you have lost already and how it has affected you? She has worried for you for so long, not out of pity, but I believe, because her heart turned towards you from the first. As she herself has just said to me, sobbing as if her heart were breaking, which, indeed, it probably is, you have lost a mother, a father and a brother – how then would it be if you lost a wife, also, if you were placed in the same position as your father was and bringing up children all alone in your grief?”

Mireth could see she was getting through to him. His face was stony, set, still staring at the floor, but there was something in his eyes that indicated the inner turmoil. She had said enough. She stood and, turning to leave, saw that even Arvain had been moved.

“Forgive me, Arvain,” she said quietly and then, looking back towards his brother, “Halladan. I only wanted you to know that while, yes, she chose unwisely, she did not choose unthinkingly and without it causing her a great deal of pain.”

She walked over to the door but then, her hand on the handle, paused and turned back once more.

“Oh, and Halladan?” Her tone changed subtly, to something lighter and almost amused. “It would do well in future, if you seek a lady’s hand, to at least tell her how you feel about her, that you care for her, perhaps even that you love her. To make it seem like a mere contractual arrangement between friends who would both make poor spouses but together might find some sort of companionship through their otherwise dark futures, is hardly the way to sway a lady’s heart over her head.”

Arvain looked at his brother open-mouthed and shook his head.

“My brother the romantic,” he muttered sarcastically.

“This coming from a man who cannot even admit the feelings he has for a woman, let alone profess them to her himself?” Mireth retorted.

Lindir chuckled hugely while Arvain, flushing, glared at him while Mireth slipped out of the room and went down to the kitchens to make a hot herbal drink for Penny that would calm her and raise her spirits a little.

When she came back to Penny’s room, Penny had fallen asleep through sheer emotional exhaustion. She drew a chair beside the bed and sat, reading a book of Dunedain ballads Erestor had lent Penny a few days earlier. After a little while Penny awoke and dutifully drank her herbal concoction. The supper bell rang, but Penny said she was not hungry and would not go down to eat.

“Do you want me to bring some food to your room?”

Penny shook her head.

“Thank you, Mireth, but no. It would only go to waste. If I feel hungry later I will go to the kitchens and find something for myself. You go. Please.”

But Mireth refused, saying she would keep her company and began to talk about anything other than love, the Dunedain or Halladan in particular. Penny did her best to listen and respond, but in reality she was barely listening. Mireth knew this well enough but talked on regardless. Then after some time, she suggested they go down to the Hall of Fire, if only for a little while. Penny balked at the idea.

“Oh, no, no, Mireth, I could not!”

“I think you should, Pen-ii. If you do not, there might be talk, especially if it is realised you were not at supper.”

“But he might be there. What would I say to him? Please, Mireth, I really do not think I could bear it.”

“You do not have to speak to him, but I think you should know…” She paused and sighed.

“What? What is it?”

“He is leaving on the morrow. He is already packed and ready.”

Penny stared at her, her face stricken, for a moment before she nodded, her gaze meandering downward.

“Of course. Yes, of course. Why should he stay?” she murmured to herself, her tone flat and resigned rather than bitter.

“I presume Arvain will be leaving with him. Would you not like to see him at least before he goes? I think it would also do you good to be in company a little, if only to sit quietly and listen to the song. As I say, if you do not, I know it will cause comment and that would not do. If he is there, then… well, then you behave as calmly and as courteously as you can manage. He is your guardian despite all that has happened, and he will be conscious of that and always treat you well and with respect even if things are currently difficult between you.”

Penny could see there was no refusing Mireth, and so she washed her face and brushed her hair before letting herself be taken down to the Hall of Fire.

It was, frankly, the last place she wanted to be. She sat back from the company, Mireth beside her, wondering when she could reasonably escape back to the sanctuary of her room once more. Arvain and Halladan were there but on the far side of the room. Arvain had spotted her and nodded, smilingly, as she had sat down, but Halladan was barely visible in the dark shadows, brooding and suffering to be there only because it was his last night and it was duly expected that he be sociable to an extent. Thus the pair of them had various elves coming to them to bid them farewell and wonder at the sudden decision to leave.

As she watched them Penny felt numb once more. Somehow she suspected it would only really hit her once he had left and it had had time to sink in.

Lindir came to join her and Mireth briefly, sitting on the other side of Penny and not saying a word, but giving her a look and squeezing her hand. It very nearly set her off into tears, but she manfully controlled herself.

Mireth had gone to fetch a drink for herself and Penny, and Lindir had since left them to have a long and involved discussion with Bilbo and Erestor about poetic and musical meter. It was well over half an hour since she had first arrived, and Penny yet again found her gaze wandering back to the far side of the room only to see Arvain saying something to his brother and Halladan responding with a curt nod and then rising to his feet to follow Arvain. It took a moment for Penny to realise they were actually crossing the room towards her. It was very definitely Arvain leading, however, with Halladan not exactly hovering behind him, but certainly serious, straight-faced and looking nowhere in particular (or in any direction but towards her to be more exact). It was as if he were headed towards anyone, and someone he was entirely apathetic towards at that, not the woman that only hours before he had very nearly sort of proposed to.

For a moment Penny panicked, wondering what on earth she would say, but before she knew it Arvain had arrived and was speaking.

“Good evening, Pen-ii.”

He immediately put her at her ease by seeming quite sympathetic in his tone, though perhaps slightly hesitant as if not quite sure how best to address her. He seemed to working hard to try and make it seem ‘just as usual’, though, and Penny was grateful for that.

“I am sure Mireth has told you,” he continued, “that we are leaving on the morrow.”

“Yes.” Penny nodded, noting that Halladan was still very firmly looking at something over to his right. “Yes, she said.”

“We are not sure when we will next return, whether we will be able to visit before the wedding…”

Penny furrowed her brow in surprise – the wedding was not for another couple of months yet.

“…though we will certainly try.” He glanced quickly at Halladan. “I will certainly try. I am not sure what Halladan’s plans are.”

Penny dropped her gaze and just nodded dumbly in understanding. Thus she did not see the hard look Arvain gave his brother and the slight inclination of the head towards Penny suggesting that he should take his turn to speak. Halladan seemed at an utter loss as to what to say, however, and briefly the stern, serious mask wavered to reveal someone thoroughly ill at ease. As Penny suddenly looked up at him, though, the mask returned and expression became almost cold once more.

“Halladan, I… I want to apologise if I have offended you in any way. I never meant to—”

“No apologies are necessary, Pen-ii,” he replied curtly. “Let us… leave things as they stand.” Abruptly he turned to Arvain. “I will see you later, Arvain. I need to check over my supplies and see that everything is in order for tomorrow.”

And so saying he left the room.

There were several long moments of awkward silence between Arvain and Penny then, she trying to swallow back the tears that were threatening and he not having the faintest idea what to say.

“Pen-ii,” he said at last, stepping towards her and crouching beside her, “Pen-ii, I am sorry that things did not go otherwise between you…”

“Is he truly very angry?” She looked at him, the distress clear in her face. “Tell me honestly, Arvain.”

There was a pause before Arvain finally looked down briefly and then back up.

“Yes.”

A wave of emotion rolled over Penny and her eyes lifted up to the ceiling in an effort to keep under control.

“Give him time, Pen-ii. With time he will—”

“I want you to promise me something, Arvain.”

She reached out for his hand and he took it.

“Anything, Pen-ii.”

She looked at him once more, in deadly earnest.

“Do not make the same mistake Halladan and I have made. Go and talk to her. Tell her how you feel.” She could feel he was trying to gently extricate himself from her handhold but she would not let go. Not yet. Not until she had said what she wanted to say. She could see from the expression on his face she had caught him utterly by surprise. “She will not believe you at first, I am sure of it, but tell her, Arvain, insist upon it. Please. Promise me you will.”

He finally took his hand away and rose to his feet hurriedly, looking decidedly uncomfortable.

“I… I-I, er…”

She decided to put him out of his misery.

“Do not trouble yourself, Arvain, you do not need to reply. I am leaving. I did not want to be here. I only came down at Mireth’s insistence that it would start talk if I did not, having not come for supper either. Forgive me if I have broached a subject you would rather no one spoke of, but at least think about what I have said. Good night.”

And so saying she too left to spend a sleepless and very sorry night in bed.

The next morning she did appear at breakfast. It was early, but even so she was worried she might have missed Arvain and Halladan’s departure. She was relieved, therefore, when Arvain came to sit opposite her only a few minutes after she had settled herself next to Bilbo who was already pouring out her a morning cuppa.

“Halladan not with you?” Bilbo asked Arvain in all innocence. Penny studiously studied the milk jug.

“I will take him something. He is busy at the stables.” Arvain turned to Penny. “What are your plans after breakfast? We will come and say our farewells to you properly.”

She wondered if it would be much the same as last night, with Halladan tagging along out of duty. If so she was not sure she wanted him to bother.

She had promised Mireth she would help preparing some dyes for wool, she explained. They could find her in one of the small rooms next to the sewing room where a crop of berries had been hung up to dry after being harvested a couple of weeks earlier. She would be picking and grinding the berries so they could then be mixed with water to make a dye when needed. It was a job she had done before and was simple enough that she could be left to get on with it by herself, though Mireth would probably come and help her later on.

Arvain grabbed a hunk of bread and some fruit and said he would see her there.

As she worked after breakfast, cutting down bunches of berries onto the large work bench and slowly pulling the berries off into a large marble mortar, Penny screwed herself up to the effort of facing Halladan once more. Sure enough, she had not been long at her work when a knock sounded on the door that lead directly out into the gardens and, when she said ‘come in,’ Arvain peered round with his customary grin. At least he had succeeded in not holding a grudge about her direct allusion to Hisaeleth the previous evening, for which Penny was truly grateful to him.

Just as the night before, it was Arvain who spoke, Halladan hanging back slightly, stiff with awkwardness. Arvain wished her well, chattered about how the next time they came it might well be to take her with them to Morfinniel’s, how she was to take care of herself and not worry about them in the least. He gave her a warm hug, to which she responded in kind, and then, glancing at his brother, announced that he would ‘see Halladan there’ and left before Penny even realised what he was doing.

It had clearly taken Halladan by surprise also, because for a split second he gawped after his brother and then looked back round to Penny with an appearance not too dissimilar to that of a rabbit caught in headlights. Then he coughed slightly and pulled himself together.

“I am not sure I can add much more to that which Arvain has already said.” He could not look her in the eye, his gaze skittering around in the vague direction of her face, round it and then back to the floor before starting the whole meandering route once more. “I, um…”

God, it was so painful to have it like this; to know how it had been, how it might have been, and yet for it to be now like this with him unable to look at her and barely able to speak.

“Fare you well, Halladan.”

“And you, Pen-ii.”

There followed another long, awkward pause with neither of them looking at each other before Halladan shuffled slightly.

“I had best join Arvain.”

So saying, he headed for the door, but just as he got there, Penny blurted out his name and he turned to her.

“What you said yesterday…,” she began, slowly, “It is not true. You would make any woman proud, Halladan, and you will make a fine husband.”

Dammit, woman, now was not the time to start getting emotional. Get a bloody grip!

“May Elbereth protect you, Halladan. Please… take care of yourself.”

Shit, damn and blast!

She turned away abruptly to the workbench, going to pick up a bunch of berries, but realising her hands were shaking slightly she instead opted for just standing there, leaning forward slightly on her palms and trying not to break down, determined that she would not cry in front of him, that he did not need to see that from her.

Behind her, Halladan was looking at her with regret in his eyes, admittedly with a bullish air about him but softened by the hint of a sad smile at one corner of his mouth just before he spoke.

“Thank you, Pen-ii.”

And then he was gone.

He left the door open behind him, and the weak morning sun poured in, the patch on the floor just catching Penny as she stood stock still at the workbench, her hands now clenched into fists as she tried desperately to not succumb to the wave of emotions heaving through her. She wanted to howl, swear, break something or just collapse into a heap and hope the ground swallowed her up, but instead she did none of those things, just stood still and rode it out, angrily wiping away the few tears that fell in spite of her best efforts. No damn point in crying. No damn point at all. No one to blame but herself, and he was gone and that was an end to it.

How long she stood like this she was not sure. Perhaps only a minute, perhaps five, but suddenly she was aware of a shadow blocking the patch of sun from the doorway. She turned in surprise to see it was Halladan, a determined look on his face, and that he was striding towards her.

“Halladan?! Wh—?!”

But before she could even finish he had grabbed her by the shoulders and was kissing her hard. For half a second she was too surprised to even begin to register what had happened, but then almost in the same instant she was kissing him back, clinging to him, grateful and thankful and trying really hard not to think about how damn cliché this all was, even as one of his hands slid into her hair and the other slid down to her back.

He broke the kiss and looked down at her, still holding her tight, their noses all but touching as she stared up at him in breathless, speechless astonishment and undisguised delight.

“Now you listen to me,” Halladan all but growled at her, though a smile was playing on his lips in spite of his tone. “I will not take no for an answer, do you hear me? Damn, but you are a stubborn woman, Pen-ii. Do you have any idea how you have tormented me these past few months? When I left you that first time I was determined as to the course I would take and yet… I could not stop thinking about you. I have not been able to stop thinking about you even from the day Father first told me about you! I stayed away because I knew that once I was with you, once I saw you once more… Ai, and I was proved right.” Then he gave a half-chuckle suddenly. “Arvain called me an ‘ass’, did you know that? After I had talked with Elrond and still hesitated, I asked his advice and he called me an ass and more besides.”

His gaze was raking all over her face, one hand reaching up to gently smooth a tendril of her hair away from her face, his thumb grazing against her cheekbone. There was a pause and then he slowly and deliberately bent to kiss her once more, tenderly this time, hesitating for a moment just before their lips met to look into her eyes while her stomach flipped and melted all at once.

After a few moments of slow tenderness it was now Penny’s turn to pull away a little, suddenly worried.

“But what about—?”

“No, Pen-ii. I will not have it. Gandalf told you what you should do, and Lindir tells me Arwen had some foresight into this also. Arwen, Pen-ii! The Lady Undomiel herself! No, no, this was meant to be, and I will not have you try and talk me out of it.”

“And if I do disappear?”

She was genuinely concerned he had not thought through all the possibilities.

“You will not.”

“Halladan, I am serious.”

“So am I. You cannot live on maybes and might-bes, Pen-ii. Fate will be as it has been decreed, and I truly believe that if the granddaughter of the Lady Galadriel herself, the daughter of Lord Elrond, my Queen, the wife of my Chieftain, King and kinsman, has had foresight about us, then we are blessed indeed. It may be that we will not have the rest of our lives together, yet if that is so then I would choose to enjoy what time we have together rather than regret what might have been but never came to aught. But I know, Pen-ii, that your fears are misplaced. Trust me.”

He looked at her, holding her gaze and she smiled, overwhelmed by the emotions coursing through her right at that moment.

“Ask me,” she said.

He seemed amused.

“Ask me again,” she insisted gently.

“Well, in truth I never really managed to ask you properly the first time.”

“So ask me properly now, in that case.”

He paused, smiling.

“Pen-ii Buy-karr, would you consent to be my wife?”

She was beaming.

“I would be honoured, Halladan son of Halbarad.”

He grinned and then grabbed her with both arms round her waist, lifting her and spinning her round till she was laughing. Then he put her down and kissed her hard and quickly on the lips.

“You must have this,” he said suddenly, reaching into his tunic and pulling out a silver ring on a chain. He took the chain off over his head then unclasped it, pulling at the ring. Then he took her right hand and slid it onto her ring finger. “It was my mother’s,” he explained. “I went home to fetch it after last I left Imladris.”

Again the exchange of slow, warm smiles, breaking into grins when no words would come. Then Penny had a sudden thought.

“But I should give you a ring in return, no?”

“Well, strictly speaking, perhaps, Pen-ii, but it is of no—“”

“But I have one! This one which Meresel gave me!” So saying she pulled it off the forefinger of her left hand and handed it to him. “Would this do?”

“It would do very well,” he said, smiling broadly in pleasure.

“I do not know if it will fit…”

“No, it is too small, I think, even for my little finger. Unless…” He tried it on his right hand. “No. But it is of no consequence, I will wear it on this chain. That is enough and will serve its purpose. Where you wear the ring is immaterial, it is the exchange of rings that is the formality.” He smiled as he fixed the chain round his neck, not bothering to tuck it into his tunic for now. “Thank you.”

“No, Halladan,” she said softly. “Thank you. I know I had no right to expect any of this.” She looked down. “Nor did I expect it, in truth, though I immediately regretted my decision, even more so after Mireth spoke to me…”

“She spoke to me also.” He took hold of her hand. “We owe her much.”

“She has been a good friend to me.”

“We shall give her a rich gift for her wedding. I shall find something suitable and it shall be from both of us.”

Penny’s smile was ridiculously huge at that, for all sorts of reasons.

“I would like that,” she said.

“Then it shall be done,” he said with a mock-formal incline of his head, and she laughed.

There was a pause. Neither of them could stop smiling.

“I have to go,” he said at last, albeit reluctantly.

“You still intend to leave?” she asked, surprised.

“Everything is prepared, Pen-ii. Arvain is waiting for me, the horses… Besides,” he added, taking hold of her round the waist once more and pulling her to him, “the sooner I leave, the sooner I can return, no?”

There was a rakish playfulness about his grin this time that Penny was not sure she had ever seen before. But she liked it.

“That is very true,” she conceded, biting at her lip and looking up at him through her eyelashes.

There was one more kiss then, slow, tender but all too brief. He broke away.

“I really must go.”

She nodded, smiling, trying not to grin again.

“I will return as soon as I can.”

She nodded once more, her would-be grin sliding around all over her teeth, the tip of her tongue wedged hard against one of her top front molars in an effort not to look like the proverbial Cheshire Cat.

“Stop it!” he scolded, still not moving.

“What?!” She said, laughingly. “I am not doing anything!”

When their eyes met they were still, smiling but serious, for a moment. She reached up, her hand cupping his cheek and for an instant she thought she might cry suddenly. Instead she leant upwards, almost on tip-toe, and gently pressed her lips against his. Then she came back to earth.

“Go,” she said quietly. “Take Elbereth’s blessing with you and keep yourself safe or you will hear from me.”

He laughed and nodded, taking a step back, his hands sliding down to take hers in his own.

“Have you been massaging your leg?”

Now he rolled his eyes as well as laughed.

“Ai, is this how it will be?”

“Yes, it will be if you will not look after yourself!”

“I have not been, no, but I will. You have my word. Now… I must go.”

Their hands fell away and he walked back several more steps, still grinning. Then he was at the door, still wavering, still grinning and she was shaking her head at him, on the point of laughing. One final nod of the head by way of farewell and then he was gone, and she was still staring at the space where he had been, her face near split from ear to ear with pure pleasure, unable to quite believe what had just taken place though she could still feel the sensation of his hands against hers, of the surprising softness of his lips, the smell of pipesmoke still faint in the air about her.

And then she was running, flinging open the door to the corridor and running hard and fast, nearly bumping into Mireth twenty yards along who looked at her in astonishment, but Penny barely paused, only slowed a little and turned to her, almost skipping backwards, still grinning, and Mireth, understanding instantly what had happened, made a noise of joy and surprise even as Penny held out her hand and Mireth took it, joining her in running the length of Elrond’s halls as they crossed to the far side and the main entrance where Arvain and Halladan were even now getting into their saddles.

She arrived, breathless and still beaming, at the top of the stairs just as he was turning the horse to head off down the path to the gates. He caught sight of her instantly and stopped, his face breaking into a smile. Arvain, just saying farewell to Lindir, Elrohir, Celebdor and one or two others who had come to see them off, caught sight of Halladan’s expression, saw who he was staring at and noted Penny’s wide grin, then glanced quickly back to Halladan and promptly leapt from his saddle to meet Penny even as she came down the steps. ‘Bear hug’ did not even begin to describe it. He nearly winded her he hugged her so tight.

“YES!” he shouted. “AT LAST! HA!”

And then he laughed loud and long, calling her sister and kissing her on the cheek.

Halladan, shaking his head at his brother, was acknowledging with a simple nod of the head the raised eyebrows and murmured congratulations from the elves. Then, as Arvain climbed into the saddle once more, Halladan urged his horse forward to Mireth to thank her for all she had done and then held out his hand for Penny’s. She took it and he held her gaze as he squeezed it just once, never saying a word, before he turned his horse to follow Arvain who was already waving farewell and heading off down the path.

And even as Mireth put one arm about her shoulder and hugged Penny to her, Penny could not stop smiling as she watched Halladan go.

Author’s Notes:

Contrary to what the chapter title might suggest, this is not the last chapter. Rather, I would refer readers to the title of Chapter 22. ;)

My thanks to all for holding off the lynching parties following the last chapter, lol – at least this one arrived quickly, as I promised, right?

Many thanks, as ever, to all who read and took time out to comment!