Chapter 55 – “Pear Shaped”

He did not turn round the first time Penny called his name. She was near enough jogging up the hill through the trees after him, her skirts hitched a little to avoid stumbling in her hurry. By the time she called the second time he was nearing the edge of the trees, and then he did stop, though it was a moment before he turned, and she could see the heavy rise and fall of his shoulders before he did so, as if he had taken a long and deep breath, perhaps to calm himself. He only turned his head to look back at her and his face was unreadable. No, that was not it – as she drew nearer she could see it was cold, blank with tension and if not fury then certainly some strong emotion that he was struggling to maintain control over. She had nearly reached him and opened her mouth to say something (though what exactly she was not wholly sure), but instead he cut straight across her.

“Don’t!” he spat through clenched teeth, raising his forefinger partially in warning and partially as a signal for silence. There was a flash of fury across his face.

She came to an abrupt halt and stared at him, appalled, both thoroughly worried now but also with a rising bubble of anger within her.

“But, Halla—!”

Halladan suddenly exploded.

“I SAID—!”

He stopped in mid-roar, biting back whatever it was he would have said even as he turned to look up the hill.

“Ah, Halladan! Pen-ii! Good evening to you both!”

They murmured polite greetings back to Elrohir, Glorfindel and the small group of elves who walked towards them, all with watersacs of their own that they were on their way to fill.

“And how are you both this evening? It was a fair afternoon’s fishing, was it not?”

“It was indeed, Glorfindel,” Penny replied, trying her best to seem breezy and polite, while all the time her insides were squirming hot and knotted.

Halladan, however, muttered gruffly about getting back to camp and stalked off. Penny smiled apologetically on his behalf and explained they were collecting Naurdir’s water and they had best…

“Yes, yes, of course, of course. Till later, Pen-ii.”

Glorfindel smiled and waved his hand breezily and turned to catch the others up further down the hill, while Penny once more hurried to catch Halladan up. Little was she aware of it, but Glorfindel did glance back at them both, a curious expression on his face.

When Penny caught up with Halladan once more, they were nearing the camp with many people about here and there, so further conversation was all but impossible. She could not quite bring herself to walk alongside him. Instead she followed a step or two behind, but even that was close enough that she could feel the tension coming off him in waves. She had the distinct impression, borne out by what had already taken place, that if she so much as said one syllable to him he would explode. At the same time she felt like she was going to burst, desperate to clarify what had happened, but with an over-riding and ever increasing sense that his behaviour only confirmed her worst fears. All hope of managing to retain his friendship in spite of her feelings for him seemed shattered. She struggled to maintain her dignity, refusing to show any emotion since she was well enough aware as they walked past tent after tent of how many people were abroad within the camp, making their way to the main fires or else standing in idle groups chattering and laughing.

Halladan did not exactly fling the sacs to the ground once they reached Naurdir, but he certainly dumped them somewhat unceremoniously, enough so that Naurdir lifted his head from the large cauldrons to watch as he then immediately disappeared in the direction of his tent. Penny realised there was little point in her following him and stayed to help Naurdir as best she could, hoping it would distract her a little. What was done was done, and though she felt as sick as a dog about it, little could be achieved by chasing after Halladan, provoking him to fury and making things worse. Perhaps once he had calmed down… Oh, who was she kidding? She had blown it and blown it big time. Even in the unlikely event that he would not now think less of her, then he would certainly be wary of spending any time alone with her if only out of sheer embarrassment or (at best) pity. Penny was amazed she did not collapse into tears, but in many respects she was still in shock; that and the sheer depth of cold sadness she felt over what had happened left her too upset to do much other than wander about in a daze, doing as Naurdir instructed.

Halladan did not appear for the evening meal, or not at first. Penny noticed Arvain slip away at one point and come back some time later with his brows furrowed as if somewhat confused or perturbed by something. A little while later Halladan did arrive, but only to help himself to some dry stores and then disappear off again into the dark. Arvain tried to catch Penny’s eye, glancing at the retreating figure of his brother and then raising his eyebrows at her with a slightly resigned, albeit worried, expression. No doubt he was worried that Halladan might be slipping back into old habits. Penny tried a non-committal, flat smile and a half-hearted shrug. What else could she do?

It was only much later, when Penny was actually considering heading off for her bedroll, that he reappeared, though she noted he deliberately sat on the other side of the fire from her, in amongst a group of others. He did not look her way or even acknowledge her presence, and the action finally made a swell of raw emotion rise within her. If she stayed she was likely to weep in public, and that really would not do. She muttered an apology and got to her feet, saying she was tired and it was time for bed.

As she did so and turned to leave, Arvain, watching her go, looked at his brother and seemed surprised when he noticed how Halladan utterly failed to jump to his feet to walk Penny to her tent as might have been expected. Lowering his tankard, Arvain glanced back to see Penny already heading off into the gloom, checked once more to see if his brother was indeed still ignoring the situation and scrambled to his feet, handing his tankard to Rhimlath to hold.

“Hold hard, Pen-ii!”

Penny stopped, turned and waited, glad in some respects that she was far enough from the firelight that she could not be seen well even as she watched Halladan, hearing his brother’s shout, raise his head to his brother and then flick his gaze quickly in the direction his brother had shouted. Just as quickly his eyes lowered, though they did look up very briefly once more a second later almost in something like awkwardness and then away again. Arvain was bending over him now, talking quietly. Halladan was saying something in reply that Arvain seemed surprised by. Penny turned away, not wanting to see the rest.

“If you are so concerned, Arvain, you can walk her to her tent.”

“Oh, come, Halladan,” Arvain was laughing, “I am merely saying…”

“She is free to do as she pleases, as am I. We are not joined at the hip.”

“Fine! I will walk her back, then.”

“Do so! And good luck to you, brother!”

Something in Halladan’s tone made Arvain raise an eyebrow at him. Halladan drained his tankard and got to his feet.

“I could do with a walk,” he muttered.

“Halladan?”

Arvain sounded worried now.

“Just leave it, damn you,” Halladan growled quietly as he pushed past him. He looked at Arvain for a moment, and something of an understanding seemed to pass between them, Halladan’s face looking troubled and irritated, Arvain’s brows furrowing in confusion. He was about to say something more, but Halladan stomped off into the dark before he had a chance.

Arvain jogged over to Penny.

“I get a turn to play chivalrous guardian for once,” he said, giving her his best grin.

Penny did her best to smile back, but failed miserably, unable to stop herself from glancing over the small crowd round the fire to the patch of black where Halladan had last been seen. Arvain followed her look and there seemed to be a slightly awkward pause where he felt he should say something but had no idea what. Penny took the initiative.

“Shall we?”

The smile was better this try, and Arvain seemed relieved.

They said little as they walked through the camp. Only when they had said their goodnights and Arvain had already made to leave did he hesitate for a moment and turn to her.

“Pen-ii, is everything…? I mean to say, is Halladan…?”

Penny did not know what to say. Her face obviously told Arvain as much.

“Not to worry,” he said, smiling reassuringly. “Just one of those evenings, I suspect. Some athelas might help tonight.” He smiled a little more firmly. “Till morning, Pen-ii!”

Except it was not simply ‘one of those evenings,’ and that soon became clear. Penny missed Halladan completely at breakfast. She also did not see him all morning, and it was only at lunchtime that she learned that he and Arvain had gone hunting with some of the elves. Even when the hunt returned soon after lunch, the two brothers did not, having apparently gone off to do some riding alone.

Penny spent much of the day in the company of Mireth, therefore. Today was the last day the elves would all be together, and Lindir, Erestor and Rhimlath were inseparable for most of it. Many were the songs sung and tales told, all day. It was a twenty-four hour farewell, and had in fact started before dawn. Penny had woken to the sound of elvish song.

Thus Penny had much to keep her occupied during the day, but even so her thoughts were constantly with Halladan. At some point he would have to be over his shock and anger. At some point they would have to talk. He was her guardian, if nothing else… or would he now just delegate all that to Arvain? Just stay in the wilds, barely seeing her, and let Arvain deal with her directly for the most part? The longer it went without them talking, the more her imagination ran riot. The more she went back over the scene near the spring source, the more muddled it seemed and the more uncertain she felt. Halladan’s reaction had undermined any confidence she had felt in her reading of events, and as time went on she became more and more convinced that she had made a monumental fool of herself and had very likely cost herself a good, close friend.

Mireth could see she was upset, but she kept her thoughts to herself for the time being, thinking only to distract her as best she could since, unusually perhaps, Halladan was not around to do the job and assuming, perhaps naturally enough, it was related to whatever grief and burdens Penny had borne since Rohan.

Supper that night was a large, communal affair. It had to be by virtue of it being the last time they would be together. Galadriel sang, Celeborn and Elrond recited a ballad together, Lindir and Rhimlath performed a duet and even Gandalf was persuaded to tell a story of long ago – a moment that had the hobbits spellbound and grinning in equal measure.

Yet all through it Penny could only be aware of the fact that this was now the second night since she could not remember when, the second night running indeed, that she and Halladan had sat apart. He was not too far away, admittedly, but instead of sitting side by side as was their wont, they had Lindir, Arvain, Mireth and Celebdor in between them. He barely looked at her, though she was aware he did so from time to time. The few times she glanced in his direction to find that was the case, however, he turned away instantly and very deliberately. Those times she did not catch him, though, he watched her for moments at a time, his face serious and, if anyone had looked carefully, a deep sadness in his gaze.

It was late and there was a lull in proceedings as one song finished, and a Galadhrim got to his feet only to have a discussion with his friends for a minute or two as to which was the best tale to tell. Naurdir and others were in the process of fetching more winesacs, and there was quiet chatter amongst the small groups round the fire. Mireth had taken the opportunity to fix Penny’s hair since it still had the tendency to come loose from the hairtie Halladan had made for her. Rhimlath, who was seated nearby, reached over and took the piece of leather from Mireth’s knee as she was neatly pulling Penny’s hair together. He inspected it with an almost disinterested air before pulling the corners of his mouth down.

“I did expect slightly more from a Rohirric craftsman, I have to say. Their leather work, even if it is somewhat basic and crude at the best of times, is usually of a considerably higher standard than this.”

Halladan, who had overheard, looked as irritated as Penny by this comment.

“She did not get it from a Rohirric craftsman, Rhimlath” Mireth replied diplomatically. “It is functional and serves its purpose well enough, so what does it matter?”

“Perhaps it does not matter to some, but it is hardly ornate and really a maiden should have something quite beautiful in her hair…”

“I am perfectly capable of deciding what to put into my hair, Rhimlath,” Penny suddenly snapped, snatching it from him. “I do not need it to be ornate. In fact if it were, I would live in fear of it falling out and losing it. This is simple, functional and just what I need. So if you could keep your comments to yourself I would be most obliged.”

Rhimlath raised an eyebrow at her.

“My apologies if I have offended you, Pen-ii.”

Penny tried to stop her glance flicking in Halladan’s direction and failed. He was staring hard into his cup, his face set. Rhimlath, meanwhile, having given his polite apologies, found that his own cup needed refilling. He inclined his head in Penny’s direction, a little thin-lipped, and went off to collar Naurdir.

Lindir leaned across Celebdor. “He was actually trying to pay you a compliment, Pen-ii,” he said gently.

“He was also insulting a present Halladan made for her,” Mireth pointed out. “That was somewhat tactless of him, whether he realised it or no.”

Arvain’s head whipped round as he looked at his brother with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh?”

Halladan suddenly looked very uncomfortable.

“There was leather left over from the boot repairs, and I knew Pen-ii needed one. That was all.”

He shrugged his shoulders, trying to seem inconsequential but actually coming across as defensive. Now it was Lindir’s turn to look at Halladan in some surprise.

“You? Leather-working? I thought it was Hirvell that was the leather-worker in your family.”

“It does not mean I am wholly incapable, Lindir!” Halladan now sounded nearly as snappy as Penny had just done. “In truth, it was not meant to be anything more than a functional gift to save Pen-ii wasting her money on buying one! If I had wanted to make it hugely ornate, I am sure I could have managed it.”

“I am sure you could,” Lindir conceded, though not before exchanging an amused if bemused glance with Arvain first.

“Indeed,” Arvain agreed.

“We will say no more about it,” Lindir continued.

“Not one word.”

Arvain shook his head slightly too enthusiastically and Lindir bit back a snigger but Halladan glared at them furiously. The sniggering and grins died quickly as they saw his expression.

“Oh, come now, Halladan,” Lindir began, “it was only a…”

But Halladan was already on his feet and leaving, seemingly enraged. Arvain got to his feet to go after him while Penny tried to make herself as small as possible, hoping no one would notice how upset she suddenly felt. Looking sideways as Mireth finished her hair, she could just make out Arvain catching up with his brother, grabbing him by the arm to pull him to the stop, and the pair having a heated discussion that involved a lot of hand gestures. Arvain gestured back at the fire at one point, and Halladan’s response involved a finger jabbing in the air close to Arvain’s sternum. Arvain seemed surprised but also infuriated by this response, and whatever he said in reply had Halladan storming off into the dark once more, leaving Arvain standing in the alley between the tents throwing his hands up in clear exasperation and bewilderment.

Penny did not stay long at the fire after that, and when Arvain offered to walk her back to her tent she gently insisted there was no need. She did make a point of finding Rhimlath in the crowd as she left, though, and apologising for being so sharp with him.

“Oh, no, Pen-ii, Celebdor explained all. I should have realised it was a token from Halladan. Of course it has sentimental value for you. Quite understandable.”

Penny boggled at him and felt her heart sink into her boots. Before she could even try to come up with an adequate response, he then surprised her by kissing her hand, saying it was a pleasure to have got to know her over the last few months and that he could see why Lindir liked her so. She was welcome to come to Lothlorien at any time, he added, and he would make her most welcome for as long as he remained there before sailing West. Somewhat surprised and moved by his graciousness, especially after her earlier waspishness with him, Penny hugged him impulsively (which flummoxed him somewhat); for all Rhimlath had at times been a right royal pain in the rear, he had also been good company at times and always been one of those to support her and help distract her when she was feeling low. Penny thanked him for the friendship he had shown, and he could see she meant it.

“You are most welcome, Pen-ii. Any friend of Lindir’s and Erestor’s is a friend of mine.”

It seemed strange to be back on the move the next morning. Penny had risen late and was still bolting down the last of her food even as tents and awnings were collapsing around her. Halladan had also arrived to breakfast late, and Penny wondered if he had done so deliberately in the hope of avoiding her. If that had been his plan, it failed since most had already eaten, so they actually had to eat together – a meal of uncomfortable silence or else short, albeit polite, requests to pass the fruit or hand the other a watersac. Arvain was with them and looked from one to the other with a growing sense that all was not well between them.

At least Halladan was talking to her, Penny thought. Well, not not talking to her, anyway.

Arvain even went so far as making the point of saying, as he and Halladan left, that they would ride with her that day, would they not, Halladan? Halladan was thus forced to contribute to the conversation and agreed that, yes, of course they would do so. He did so with a slightly formal nod of the head in Penny’s direction, though. Something about the way he did it made Penny wonder, however: he seemed almost apologetic, faintly embarrassed. She worried it was the awkwardness she had feared rearing its head, but she tried to hold on to the hope that there was always the possibility he now realised he had seriously over-reacted in the past couple of days. Maybe, just maybe, it was the sign of a slight thaw.

The parting of the elves took quite some time. Many were the embraces and clasping of forearms. Galadriel had wandered through the camp from early morning saying last farewells, Celeborn with her. Penny was in the middle of readying her horse, Arvain and Halladan already in the saddle and waiting for her, when her turn came. Galadriel merely stepped over to Penny, kissed her brow and wished her every happiness.

“Remember our conversation, Pen-ii. Let your heart be eased.”

And then she was gone, lost in the throng even as Celeborn kissed Penny’s hand and smiled an enigmatic smile saying he felt sure he would see her again in years to come when he perhaps paid his grandsons a visit and that he had no doubt she would settle well and quickly with the Dunedain.

Penny resolutely avoided looking at Halladan at that comment.

The company heading north waited for some time before setting off, watching from the top of the hill where they had camped as the Galadhrim set off to the East. Eventually they slowly made their way down past the wood and off on the path to Imladris. An hour or so later, when the Galadhrim were almost lost from view, there was a flash of bright light and then they were gone: Galadriel had lifted her ring to catch the morning sun by way of a last farewell.

For Penny it was a rather unhappy experience to be riding side by side with Halladan once more but with him barely acknowledging her presence. Soon after they set off he found an excuse to go and talk to Elladan about something and thereafter rode with him or one or other of the three remaining Dunedain. Rather than making Arvain feel any more awkward than he already might, Penny offered her horse to an ellith from her tent and went to find Mireth and walk with her for the rest of the day.

After a day of Halladan seemingly trying to avoid her company, that evening Penny decided enough was enough. She had to face the music and, as excruciating as it was likely to be, she had to confront Halladan directly and talk to him about what had happened (or not happened, to perhaps be more exact). Yet she found it was impossible to find him, or else to find him alone. In the early evening he was off bathing, and once returned, he was deep in conversation with Lindir and then another Dunadan.

At the meal round the fire he was perfectly courteous with Penny, but talk was limited to necessity, addressing her directly only if he had to. He did manage a slight, small smile by way of thank you when she offered to do refills and took his tankard along with everyone else’s, having seen it was nearly empty, and it certainly seemed genuine enough. If he thanked her, she said he was welcome and vice versa. They had gone from laughter and private chats to courteous civility within the space of two days.

It did not go unnoticed.

At one point Lindir did wonder loudly if there would not be any walk that night, since surely Halladan needed to exercise that leg of his, but Arvain quickly drowned him out with a loud shout to Merry that he sing them a song from the Shire to keep them entertained while they ate. As Merry gladly got to his feet, Penny and Halladan inadvertently exchanged a glance in each other’s direction, both showing the other the awkwardness they felt at Lindir’s suggestion. Penny looked away quickly, suddenly feeling very upset by that small acknowledgement, that something they had shared so frequently that it had become part of their daily routine now caused Halladan profound embarrassment at the mere mention. She had read awkwardness and perhaps a little guilt in his glance, and she felt as angry at herself as she felt upset. She was determined to behave as normally as possible, though, and resisted the temptation to leave the fire. Perhaps with time, over the next week as they travelled to Imladris, things would thaw more and more so they could return, if not to how they had been, at least to something nearer to friends once more. If he left while things were still this awkward and stilted between them, she was not sure how she would cope with it.

Penny waited all that evening to see if an opportunity might present itself where she could get him alone and talk, but he did not move from the fire in all the time she was there, and at last she could barely keep her eyes open and had to excuse herself. He did not walk her to her tent, but he did at least bid her goodnight along with everyone else. He even caught her eye as he said it and again gave her another soft, small, albeit slightly sad (if sincere) smile.

This time it was Mireth who walked with Penny back to their tent, having said there was something she needed to fetch. She, along with others, was aware that things had changed between the pair and was concerned for Penny. She could see how it was upsetting her.

“What has happened between you two?” she asked at last as Penny readied herself for bed.

Penny paused as she pulled her dress over her head, leaving it to trail from the ends of her arms onto the grass. There was no one else in the tent and Penny made no pretence of hiding her distress. She could feel her chin wobbling.

“Oh, Pen-ii!” Mireth breathed, coming over to her to hug her gently. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Penny shook her head. She really could not bear to admit that she had all but thrown herself at Halladan when Halladan had not been expecting anything of the kind. Somehow she felt instinctively that Halladan would keep what had occurred private out of respect for her and her reputation, and felt she should perhaps do the same. In time, perhaps, she could discuss it with Mireth, but not now, not with it all too raw and too recent. She brushed away a tear from her cheek and pulled her dress sleeves from her hands.

“Oh, you know me, Mireth,” she said, trying to force a laugh, to brush it off as nothing too serious. “I always manage to do the wrong thing.” She saw Mireth looking at her with some concern. “Things are getting better. We will still be friends.”

Mireth took note of the wording but said nothing. She resolved to keep an eye on them both, however.

The next day was the last day before Arvain and the rest of the Dunedain left. After that Halladan and Penny would be left alone in a sea of elves with a handful of hobbits. Penny was not sure she was looking forward to it with things as they stood, but at least that night she finally managed to get Halladan alone.

It had all begun as she had helped Naurdir ready the provisions for the evening meal. Arvain and Halladan were there with the other Dunedain, as much as anything to be sociable before they left the following day. Penny worked quietly under Naurdir’s direction, acutely aware of Halladan’s presence and throwing occasional glances in his direction. She took note of the fact that, though the rest of the Dunedain were talking loud, many sharing jokes or tales with the elves that had come to join them, Halladan seemed quiet and preoccupied. She assumed that he was no doubt thinking of how much he would miss them all once they were gone.

It was then a snatch of conversation floated over to her.

“And what is this I hear, Halladan? You are leaving with them on the morrow? What brought this change of plans?”

Penny completely forgot what she was doing and the knife in her hand sliced straight into her thumb as she cut herbs straight into one of the pots. Naurdir was at her side instantly, bathing the cut with water even as he called for someone to get the pot of healing salve he always kept with his cooking equipment. Penny sucked at her thumb as she waited, nodding at Naurdir as he asked if she was well while assuring her the cut was a minor one. She looked over at Halladan to see his head was bowed. Arvain was talking quietly to him, brows furrowed, and as he did so, Halladan glanced upwards straight towards her, a guilty expression all over his face. It was obvious what the conversation was about – Arvain had guessed Halladan had not told Penny and was as surprised as Penny had been by this. Halladan waited until the salve had been brought and Naurdir had liberally smeared some onto Penny’s finger before shushing Arvain with an ‘alright, alright’ and getting to his feet. He walked over to Penny.

“Pen-ii, um… we should… Would you care to walk for a moment, Pen-ii?”

He even held out his hand for her to get up.

As she followed him away from the fire Penny’s surprise was turning to anger and not a little hurt. When after a few minutes they both felt there was no one else around, both started speaking at once:

“Pen-ii, I should have—”

“You did not think I would—?!”

They both stopped awkwardly. Penny was glaring at him and he could not quite meet her eye.

“Thank you for telling me,” she said, perhaps a little more sarcastically than she had meant.

He winced slightly and nodded.

“I meant to. I was going to. I was thinking to, after you had finished with… In truth I only decided last night…” He paused and took a breath as he finally looked her in the eye. “Lord Elrond feels I should not ride alone.”

Penny blinked at him, her anger quickly fading.

“I will leave with Arvain tomorrow and ride with him for a week or two. Perhaps more.”

“Oh. … I see.”

Halladan looked away again and seemed to be struggling for a moment, as if he felt that he needed to say something more but was not sure quite how to put it.

“I am a frank man, Pen-ii. I told you that when first we met. I feel it only fair to tell you, then, that at first Arvain suggested he ride with me to Imladris.”

Penny stared at him, her heart sinking.

“I insisted he not change his plans and rather that I leave the company on the morrow. I felt… it was for the best.” An awkward glance in her direction left Penny in no doubt what he was now talking about, why he had made that decision. “As your guardian, Pen-ii, it is my duty to see you safe. That I will have amply done by leaving you under the protection of the House of Elrond. He was your guardian in my Father’s stead, and though I am to take on the role of guardian from him, I would trust him implicitly to act in my place… I mean in our place… Arvain and I… as your guardians.” He coughed awkwardly. “Thus my place should be at my brother’s side since my duty as guardian is fulfilled in making sure you are with safe company, which you will be. My duty as a Ranger must take a higher priority for the moment, though I want you to know,” he glanced at her once more, “and this is an important point, Pen-ii, my duty as guardian is not one I take lightly. Far from it. As your guardian, I have to…”

Penny felt smaller and smaller every time the word was mentioned.

“…fulfil that duty which my Father laid upon me. I… know you know this, but perhaps I have not been as mindful of it as I should have been. He would have taken on the role of something akin to a father for you, Pen-ii, and likewise I would thus have been like a brother.”

‘Yes, okay! I get it! I really get it already!’

“I should look on you as a sister, or a daughter, or a niece. As your guardian, I mean.”

There was a long pause during which Penny hardly dared to look up at him, but when she finally did so she found he was looking at her with a pained, earnest expression as if desperate to know she understood him. It seemed he had also waited for her to look at him and when he spoke his voice was softer, as were his eyes.

“I am sorry, Pen-ii. Truly.”

Penny had to look away at that point, not wanting to show her emotions. He was apologising that he could not return her affections. His fury had given way to pity, of all the damn things. DAMN THIS ALL TO HELL!

“I understand, Halladan,” she said quietly. “It is quite right that you should ride with your brother. I had felt guilty about keeping you from your duty as it was. In truth,” and she paused as she tried to look him in the eye and failed, her gaze skittering round his face and his shoulders instead, “what happened with the training the other day worried me.” She held up a hand as she sensed he was about to say something. “I know, I know. You told me. But if Lord Elrond feels it would be best if you did not ride alone just yet, I would far rather you rode with Arvain than almost anyone else.” She tried to stand a little straighter, to force herself into the suitable role. “I am glad of it. It will ease my heart a little.”

There was a rather long, awkward silence then during which Halladan nodded slightly, making it clear he understood and accepted her words but was unsure what else, if anything, to say next. Penny just stood in the silence, noticing how different it felt to how it used to be with him and utterly failing to do anything but look him straight in the sternum.

“How is your thumb?”

“What? Oh, it is nothing. A small cut, nothing more. Thank you.”

Another long pause.

“Well, perhaps we had better…?” He gestured behind him back towards the fire.

“Yes. Yes, of course.”

And they walked back to join the others in silence.

The rest of the evening passed Penny by in something of a haze. There was a fair bit of ale drunk in some quarters, and Arvain seemed to be on particularly good form – perhaps to make up for his brother’s rather sombre mood. Penny listened to the chatter, songs and tales, but she kept catching Halladan’s eye every now and then, and it struck her that he seemed as dispirited as she did. He would try and give her a half-hearted smile each time, and she in return, but neither truly managed it once.

When at last Penny felt she had to turn in, Arvain insisted on walking her to her tent and Halladan joined them, much to Penny’s surprise. He walked on the other side of Arvain from her, resolutely looking ahead or up at the stars from time to time. Arvain, his tongue loosened with ale, chattered about how much he would miss Penny and how much he was looking forward to teaching her about Dunadan life. Penny nodded and tried her best to show willing, but frankly it was the last thing she wanted to talk about. Arvain gave her a big hug goodnight and while in normal circumstances even Halladan would have done the same given he was leaving on the morrow, the most he and Penny did was murmur a quiet goodnight to each other. Penny watched them slowly walk back side by side towards the fire, hugging Mireth’s shawl around her and not bothering to stop the tears in her eyes – there was no one to see her. At last she turned and ducked into her tent, just in time to miss Halladan turn his head to glance back towards her, his face unreadable in the dark.

Penny woke early for breakfast, though she could eat little. She had decided the night before she would take the conversation with Halladan as an attempt to start anew, for all it had been painful to hear. He had explained how things stood, and she had to accept them. It was clear he felt no anger, or not any more. Perhaps a friendship was still there to be had, and if that was so she was damn well going to do what it took to rebuild it.

When at last they were ready, the three other remaining Dunedain with them, and various elves milling around, come to bid them farewell, Penny found it overwhelming. She would miss them so much and, in spite of what had happened, Halladan especially. She would also worry like mad about him. Arvain could see it in her face.

“I will look out for him, Pen-ii, I promise,” Arvain murmured. “You take care of yourself and we will send you word as soon as we might. I do not know how long it will be before one or both of us can get to Imladris to see you. It will depend on… well, what we find in the wilds, on what the situation is.” He sounded serious suddenly, then caught the alarm in her eyes. “Oh, never fear, Pen-ii. Whatever there might be, we will deal with it easily enough, of that I am certain.”

He grinned that charming grin of his before grabbing her into a tight embrace. When she could finally struggle free (and breathe), she kissed him on the cheek and told him to take good care of himself.

As Arvain turned to his horse, stayed momentarily by farewells from Lindir and Celebdor, Penny wandered over to Halladan who was at the edge of the small group of Dunedain, adjusting the straps on his bedroll.

“Halladan?”

He looked up, saw it was her and gave her another of those soft, small, tight smiles she had got used to seeing in the last few days.

“All prepared?”

He nodded, finished what he was doing and then turned to her fully. She took that as a signal to step over to him. There was a pause, and then they both spoke at once, before stopping, smiling an almost-chuckle and insisting the other continue.

“No, please, Pen-ii, what were you about to say?”

“Only that… please look after yourself, Halladan. May Elbereth go with you and keep you safe.” He smiled, but she continued before he could think of interrupting. “And I want you to know that I will do my level best to learn as many useful skills as I can while you and Arvain are away, anything that the elves will think I might need for my new life with you… with you all.”

He was still smiling, a warmer, broader smile than she had got from him in days. She smiled back. He was nodding faintly, clearly pleased by what she had said, but then slowly as she watched his expression changed, the smile fading and his face becoming serious.

“Pen-ii, I…” A sigh, and he gently took hold of one of her hands. “I want you to know that… I think highly of you. I have from the moment I first heard of you from Father. I want you to forgive me if, over the last few days, I have seemed…” He looked for the right words, “…a little cold. Perhaps I have been overly so, and for that I apologise. I only thought to… As I said last night, I am your guardian.”

“I know Halladan.” She could not look at him, just down at her hand in his, and her stomach was so tight it hurt. “I know. I understand. And I should apologise to you. If ever I have done anything to offend you, or to anger you, then know that…”

“You? No, Pen-ii. I should have… behaved a little differently, not allowed matters to... The duty I have towards you is an important one, one given to me by my Father as he lay dying, Pen-ii.”

She could not help but look up at him at that, and the intensity in his gaze surprised her a little.

“You have to understand, I swore to him that I would fulfil his duty to you. And I will. But that means that…”

There was a long pause and as she looked at him, not aware if a tear had spilled over onto her cheek or not, Penny read something like guilt in his eyes; guilt, self-blame and what at first seemed like pity, but the longer she looked the more it seemed like… regret? She stared at him even as he glanced down at their hands and then back at her, even as something finally clicked into place in her head at long last.

“I will always be your friend, Pen-ii.”

Oh, God, had she actually been ten times a bigger idiot than she had imagined?!

But then the moment was gone, broken, as he let go of her hand suddenly, reaching to the pouch on his belt.

“I almost forgot. Here, this is for you.”

He held out the carving he had been working on all this time. Penny, still somewhat bewildered, blinked at it.

“For me? … Truly?”

He smiled. “Of course. I mean… if you like it… It is a rough thing, really. Nothing terribly much…”

Penny was turning it over in her hands, amazed. It was a deer, a doe, lying on its stomach, its hooves tucked under it. It was quite detailed and amazingly well done, especially given the crude tools he had had to use.

“It is not as well finished as I would like – the file was not quite fine enough, but…”

“It is beautiful,” Penny breathed.

“Oh, well, I would not say…”

“No, truly, Halladan, I think it is… beautiful.” She looked up at him, beaming. “Thank you.” She smiled and now it was her turn to have eyes filled with sadness and wishing things could be otherwise. “I will treasure it. I promise.”

He nodded, pleased. Then he became aware the others were already horsed and waiting for him, chatting quietly to the elves nearby. He climbed into the saddle then turned his horse, reaching out for Penny’s hand.

“Fare you well, Pen-ii.”

He gave her hand a squeeze and then let it go. Penny started to say farewell in return even as he turned the horse to join the others as they set off, hands lifted by way of goodbye, but the words died in her throat as it tightened.

She would not cry. She would NOT cry, dammit!

She stood there watching them ride away until they could be seen no more. It was a good half hour or more that she stood, stock still, tears on her cheeks, clutching the carved doe to her breast while the camp was dismantled behind her. Mireth came to stand quietly next to her, placing one arm round her shoulders. Penny tilted her head to rest it against Mireth’s chest. Neither said a word, just watched as Arvain, Halladan and the three Dunedain with them disappeared off into the green. Then, as they were about to head over a far distant ridge covered in thorn bushes and gorse and so slip out of view, Halladan turned just once. Immediately Penny stood up straight and lifted her hand, high and flat, hoping that he would see it. He did. He lifted his hand in return, and then was gone.

That day’s travel was a very strange affair for Penny. It seemed like a world away from when last they had travelled through this country, though of course now they had Gandalf and the hobbits in their company; Penny felt like she was a different woman. She had seen so much and not simply in the practical sense of seeing different places, landscapes and people. She had been on more than one journey, it seemed, given what she had learnt of the War and its after-effects, and facing the massive guilt she had felt as a consequence. And through most of it, for so long, her support had been Halladan. Now he was gone. It was perhaps unsurprising she was quiet for most of the day.

Her old friends rallied round in quiet support as they always did, no one directly referring to the Dunedain leaving, but making a point of making sure the conversation never lagged, that many jokes were cracked, stories told or songs sung – anything to distract her or to cover her distraction. It was only late that night as Penny got ready for bed that Mireth came to find her and spoke about it openly at last.

“How are you faring, Pen-ii?”

Penny sat on her bedroll with a sigh. She thought for a moment and decided she could not find the words. She shrugged, giving Mireth a sad, lopsided smile, and looked down at her hands in her lap. Mireth came to sit beside her.

“It is only natural you would miss him.”

“Well, yes, we did become good friends. But I will miss Arvain as well. And Tadion and Faelon – they were all so kind to me.”

“Oh, come, Pen-ii,” said Mireth softly. “Do not tell me Halladan does not mean a little more to you than a mere friend?”

Penny glanced up to see Mireth smiling encouragingly at her, perhaps expecting an embarrassed admission or even a girlie gossip. She clearly did not quite expect Penny’s face to crumple as it did, her hands coming to her face to smother the sob. She put her arm about Penny’s shoulder.

“Hey, now. Hey, now!”

“I am such a fool, Mireth. Truly! A complete fool!”

This served only to baffle Mireth even more and slowly, bit by bit, the whole confused mess came out: how Penny had had no clue until barely a week before (Mireth bit back a smirk at that point and shook her head gently), but how she had realised it was ridiculous and impossible (Mireth might have had a response to that, but had little opportunity to interrupt), but then, oh the sheer embarrassment, worst of all was the moment by the spring. She detailed Halladan’s fury and his coldness and reserve, what he had said to her only the night before and then when he had left.

Mireth listened carefully to it all and let Penny finish.

Then she dropped the bombshell.

“Ai, Pen-ii. It always amazes me how sometimes people can not see what is in front of them. I will tell you something, Celebdor was the same. Even I knew he liked me, and he would get so flustered and red if I asked him to dance. It would make Arwen and Eleniel laugh so hard! Pen-ii, it has been clear to everyone who knows you both that Halladan liked you in return. I suspect that, just as you little realised it, his first inkling of it was when he came close to kissing you at the spring – do not interrupt, I am sure that is what happened! I have known him since he was a babe, and his father and grandfather before him. He is of the old stock, Pen-ii, and his sense of duty and responsibility is strong – did he not stand forth when still a boy to help his father bring up the other two? It is his nature. He spoke to you of his duty as guardian, how he should look on you as a sister or even, if standing in his father’s stead, as a daughter, and that is how he will see it. Imagine his shock, then, to realise his feelings were something more than that? Something that no brother or father should ever feel?”

Penny stared at her, barely able to get her head round it. So she had been right when she had thought she had read regret in his eyes when they had said farewell. How could she have been this stupid, to not have even realised…?!

“What did you mean, ‘That is how he will see it’?”

Mireth looked uncomfortable. “In truth? There is no taboo in a guardian marrying their ward. It is not the norm, I will admit, but it is not unheard of. At the same time… well, it is unusual, and given Halladan’s strong sense of duty… let alone the fact that he is following his dying father’s wishes…” She trailed off.

Penny nodded, feeling a tad overwhelmed by it all. So, it seemed the end result would be the same in spite of this new revelation. She was not sure if realising the truth of it made things any easier to deal with or worse.

“But what of his being a Dunadan? I mean, I am… no-one, Mireth. I have no skills, I am totally unsuitable as a wife.”

Mireth laughed. “Nonsense! We can teach you and you will learn. You have learnt so much in less than a year, Pen-ii, so have no fear on that score.” She laughed once more as Penny raised a sceptical and unconvinced eyebrow at her. “As for his being a Dunadan, then he would not be the first to marry a non-Dunadan. No, no, these are matters that would be easily overcome, I can assure you, not least because in the eyes of the Dunedain, any mortal who has had the patronage of Lord Elrond is almost of honorary Dunadan status, let alone the fact that Halbarad himself had committed himself to your welfare, with Aragorn’s blessing.” She sighed. “No, it is Halladan himself that would be the barrier to anything more than friendship. And, while I would not agree with him, I can understand why he would think that way.”

Penny nodded. So could she.

Over the next few days, therefore, she resigned herself all over again to the fact that nothing would ever happen between Halladan and herself. This time, however, she also resolved to try and make things as easy as she could for him when next she saw him and from then on: while she would maintain their friendship, she would try to keep if not a distance, at least be more aware of the fact that they were guardian and ward.

In fact, the more she thought about it, the more she began to think through the real practicalities of any marriage prospects. Putting aside the obvious deficiencies in her suitability due to lack of basic housekeeping, culinary and craft skills, there was also the very real fact of her particular situation. While Gandalf had told her to live her life as if she was here to stay, he had not been able to guarantee that she would do so. Imagine if she were to marry, perhaps even have children, and then one day – POOF – she was gone, back to the future (to steal a phrase), leaving a family behind her in much the same state that her modern day family were in now? She would never let anyone go through that again, not if she could possibly help it. And certainly not any man she loved.

From that point on, then, she not only accepted her presumed fate as a spinster, she chose it willingly and decided to make the best of it.

Author's Notes:

Thanks for the many, MANY comments the last chapter generated - had a feeling it might, lol! Please be advised the next chapter is not yet written, so while I will get on to it straight away I cannot give any guarantee for how quickly it may or may not arrive. Hopefully soon, but RL is up and down, so... Sorry!

Also: I don't usually explain my chapter titles. Either people get the reference or recognise the saying/song lyric/quote (if there is one - it isn't always the case that there is), or they don't. But I have a feeling 'pear shaped' is very much British slang, possibly even London slang. So for the benefit of non-Brits: if something's 'gone pear shaped' it means it's all gone horribly wrong.