As promised, here is the next chapter hot on the heels of the last one. I cannot guarantee chapter 48 will not take a while, however.

As ever, many sincere thanks to all who read and review. It is humbling and quite fantastic that people still enjoy this. Thank you all.

Chapter 47 - “Dirty Linen”

Halladan was seated, looking pale and very ill at ease if not, frankly, distressed. He was sipping something from a cup that Penny instantly recognised as the cap from an elvish flask – much like the one Elladan carried and from which she had drunk miruvor after she had fainted on first seeing him. There seemed to be a slight tremor to his hand as he brought the metal cup to his lips.

Elrond was standing beside him, holding the flask in question in his hand, no doubt encouraging him to drink. Aragorn was sitting next to him, at right angles to Halladan, his elbows on the arms of the chair, his hands interlocked and his forefingers steepled together against his lips as he looked at Halladan. His face was grave. Celeborn was hanging back a little, no doubt conscious of the fact that the others knew Halladan far better than he did. Legolas joined him as he followed Penny and Arvain inside, closing the door and leaning back against it while Celeborn stood beside him, the pair thus somewhat removed from the proceedings.

“Legolas has told me something of what has happened,” Gandalf said as he slowly walked over to Halladan, coming to stand on the other side of him from Elrond, “but clearly it is serious indeed if I find these two squabbling outside the door because of it.”

He gestured at Arvain and Penny as he spoke and both instinctively stood a little straighter, each feeling themselves a little hard done by. Aragorn and Elrond looked at them, their brows furrowed.

“I thought I could hear raised voices,” Celeborn murmured.

Halladan looked up at him and then at Arvain and Penny in some surprise.

“Squabbling?”

It was Aragorn who asked. He seemed concerned, and perhaps a little unimpressed.

“Well, I was being polite.”

Gandalf looked at the pair of them. Penny was trying not to meet anyone’s gaze and was staring at the floor in front of her, her jaw tight with tension. Arvain glared at her accusingly. After all, as far as he was concerned, she had behaved insanely just now on the Wall, and for her to then argue with him about it, let alone show him up in front of Gandalf, meant he was now very angry indeed. It was immediately apparent to all that both of them were bristling with annoyance with each other.

Aragorn and Elrond each raised an eyebrow.

“I think you had best take a seat and tell us what happened,” Gandalf said at last.

There was a beat before Arvain turned to fetch a chair from the few up against one wall whilst Penny took the one Gandalf was indicating next to him and almost opposite Aragorn. Arvain brought his chair to sit next to hers. Gandalf, meanwhile, had turned to speak to Halladan directly.

“Forgive us, Halladan, but this is a serious matter. I do not doubt that this is and will be very difficult for you, to have this discussed openly and in company, but you must know that we only wish the best for you, and to help you.”

“In which case,” Legolas interrupted, “I shall wait outside and see to it that no one disturbs you, even if they might be looking for any here.”

“And I shall keep you company, Legolas,” Celeborn added. “No, no, Elrond, do not protest. You have no need for me here, since I do not doubt you, Mithrandir and Estel are more than capable between you of helping Halladan through this. Not only that but the more who have to hear such things as might make Halladan uncomfortable admitting to publicly, the more difficult it will be for him. If you need me, you will find me just on the other side of this door.”

Legolas had already opened the door and headed out, and Celeborn turned to follow him when he stopped and turned back

“Halladan? Take what comfort you can in the fact that no one blames you for what has occurred. That, and you are amongst friends who care for you deeply, some of whom have seen this many times before.”

There was a moment of stillness and then Halladan nodded by way of understanding, but only once and very slowly and stiffly as if every single muscle in his neck and jaw were so tight that he could barely move.

Celeborn inclined his head and left.

“Well, now,” Gandalf said gently once the door was closed once more. “I take it you have little memory of what happened?”

Halladan leant forward, his arms on his thighs, and let his head drop slightly as he shook it slowly by way of reply.

“So,” Gandalf continued, turning back to face the room, but more particularly Penny and Arvain, “Halladan has had a waking dream of some sort, yes?”

Elrond interrupted him.

“I should perhaps say that I am aware this is not the first time Halladan has had such an occurrence. We discussed it in some detail after Aragorn persuaded Halladan to talk to me.”

Penny looked at Elrond and then Halladan with a mixture of astonishment and pleasant surprise on her face. For Arvain, however, this was news (if perhaps no complete surprise).

“Not the first time? I knew of the night terrors, but…”

If they could have seen his face, they would have known Halladan was wincing. As it was, his entire posture screamed of his discomfiture to have his every weakness so openly discussed above his head. Every muscle was tensed and straining.

“It is not uncommon for those affected by battle, Arvain,” Elrond replied, his tone gentle and infinitely kind and understanding. “We all know this.” He looked at Halladan, even though Halladan did not look up. “We are all warriors here, Halladan, (well, barring Pen-ii, naturally) and we all know full well such things can occur. Lord Celeborn spoke truly just now. There is no shame in it, as I told you before, though I know you will find that hard to say of yourself, even if you would be ready enough to say it of anyone else so affected.”

He gave a slight smile even as he took hold of Halladan’s shoulder, squeezing it gently before letting go.

There followed a silence during which time everyone except Halladan looked to Penny and Arvain, but neither seemed willing to speak.

“Well?” Aragorn said at last, glancing from one to the other. “Clearly something extraordinary happened for you to have shouted as you did, Arvain, let alone come running to enlist our aid.”

Penny and Arvain seemed either unwilling to respond or else were having difficulty knowing quite how to explain matters.

“Well…,” Arvain began at last, but almost instantly Penny cut him off.

“Halladan came a little close to the edge of the Wall,” she said hurriedly, “that was all.”

Arvain gaped at her.

“That was all?! Pen-ii, how can you…?!”

He looked round at the others clearly somewhat exasperated. They could see he was struggling to contain his emotions, not least of which was obvious irritation with Penny herself. He looked over at his brother, sitting stock still, the elvish flask cap between his feet and his head now in his hands, waiting to hear the worst.

“Forgive me, Halladan. I would not tell you this for the world, but you must know the truth of it.”

He breathed heavily, letting his gaze drop. Several moments passed before he looked up at Aragorn, Elrond and Gandalf once more.

“He… grabbed hold of Pen-ii by the arm, and with some force from what I could tell. He did not know who she was. I…” There was a long pause. “I genuinely feared for her.”

Halladan’s head slipped forwards as Arvain spoke, his hands coming up from his forehead to grip into his hair. The sound of something like a sigh or a quiet groan escaped him.

The atmosphere in the room was instantly darker and more tense

“That is indeed very serious.” Aragorn’s tone was grim.

Elrond exchanged a concerned glance with Aragorn, and Gandalf’s expression showed how much he was troubled by hearing such news.

“He did me no harm.”

Penny’s voice sounded very small as she stared at her hands in her lap.

“I could see how tight his grip was, Pen-ii,” Arvain responded sharply. “Are you honestly telling me he did not hurt you?”

“He did me no harm,” Penny repeated emphatically, still staring at her hands and trying not to think about the dull ache somewhere in her forearm where she suspected Halladan had possibly left bruises.

“He had his hand on his knife!”

Halladan had already closed his eyes but now screwed them tight shut. His brow furrowed and his entire face contorted.

“I know that, Arvain,” Penny rounded on him as she spoke, “but I startled him! It was my fault! If I had realised…!” She looked round at the others, her expression desperate and pleading as she spoke. “I thought he was upset, perhaps trying to hide his tears since we had been speaking of Halbarad and Hirvell for some minutes. I… I laid my hand on his arm, thinking to ask if he was well, to offer some sort of comfort…” She dropped her gaze, berating herself. “If I had stopped to think for just one moment, if I had looked first to see what ailed him, I would have realised he was having a waking dream and not dared to disturb him. I shocked him, surprised him. It was entirely understandable that he reacted as he did.”

“Pen-ii, that is no…!”

“Yes, it IS, Arvain! Elbereth, I thought this was well-known as a condition amongst you, so even you should know, Arvain! It is a common enough possibility amongst my people, my time, that a man returned home from war might be so affected by what he has experienced that it might be reckless to surprise him, especially from sleep, or so it is said in common talk. I have no experience of soldiers in my life, as you know, so I do not know how true that is, but it is something that is said and widely known. Indeed you even hear stories, though again how true I do not know, of men not affected by such things but merely so well trained to be aware of an ambush that if asleep their instinct is such that they can react as if to a surprise attack if someone rouses them unexpectedly and startles them. So why should it not be the same for someone in such a state as Halladan was at that moment? All I needed to do was to stay still and quiet, to allow the moment to pass and no harm would have come….”

“Are you insane?! My brother is amongst the finest warriors I know! He could have killed you in an instant! I saw the expression on his face, Pen-ii, and if I had not distracted him as I had…!”

“It was your distracting him that had him moving towards the edge of the Wall, Arvain!” Penny’s tone made it clear to all that she was just as angry with him as he with her. “I was telling you to be quiet but you would not listen!”

“When a man is in such a state he has no control, no awareness of what is truth or dream! As such you were in great danger and for you to attempt to refuse to allow me to help you…!”

“Wait, what?” Aragorn interrupted, astonished. “Is this true, Pen-ii?”

“It was entirely understandable that Arvain shouted at first. He was shocked, as shocked as I, I have no doubt, and scared for my safety, of course, and for which I am grateful to him and thankful, but it was also the worst thing he could have done given...”

“HOW DARE YOU?!”

“Arvain…”

Gandalf’s gentle voice cut across him, and he held up the palm of his hand, indicating that Arvain should calm himself and not lose his temper.

“All it needed was for everything to stay quiet and calm, wait for it to pass…”

“You cannot know that!”

“Yes, I can, Arvain!”

“ENOUGH!”

Halladan had lifted his head from his hands and was looking at them with such a mixture of pain, self-disgust and distress on his face that it hurt Penny to see it.

“Pen-ii, I…” He shook his head. Words failed him for a moment. “I will never forgive myself for… Arvain is right. You should have heeded him, allowed him to intervene…”

“And have you react to him as if to an enemy?! Eru Alone knows what you were seeing at that moment, Halladan, and if someone had grabbed hold of you, tried to wrestle with you, perhaps, can you imagine how you might have reacted, what might have happened? And so close to the edge of the Wall?”

Penny was appalled and they could see it on her face.

“And if you had struggled in my grasp or I had perhaps thought you were about to do so?”

He looked at her levelly, gauging her reaction to his words. She looked back as calmly as she could.

“I had no intention of doing so. The moment I realised what the situation was, I intended to stay as calm and as still as possible.”

“Pen-ii is right to some extent,” Gandalf said quietly. “I am afraid that any physical restraint might have made matters worse, however it is also true, Pen-ii, that you were in a situation of potentially great danger.”

“If he was going harm me he would have done so instantly. He did not. He held my arm and no more. I am certain nothing more would have happened if…”

“How can you say you are certain?!” Arvain snapped. “With all due respect, Pen-ii, you have no experience of such things, let alone of war or warriors or what they are capable of! You could not have had any idea what Halladan might or might not do in that moment. It may be you wanted to believe he would recognise you, but… and it pains me greatly to say it, as much as I am sure it pains Halladan to hear it, but in that moment, Pen-ii, he had no notion who you were. It was clear in his face.”

“I have to agree,” Aragorn interjected quietly. “I fear, Pen-ii, if the situation was as Arvain describes it, then you could not have known what Halladan’s next action would be.”

Penny felt acutely aware suddenly that everyone in the room was looking at her a little more intently than before and with not a little curiosity.

“Well… I…”

She shrugged, now feeling (and looking) distinctly uncomfortable. She accidentally caught Halladan’s eye and looked away again just as quickly.

“It has to be asked, Pen-ii,” Elrond said slowly, “how you can sound so very certain.”

“It makes sense, does it not? As I said, if he was going to attack me he would have done so immediately, not go for his knife and then hesitate.”

“And taking hold of your arm in the violent manner he did was not enough?” Arvain asked, his tone dark.

Penny did not answer.

“Arvain is right, Pen-ii,” Aragorn said. “Halladan is not to blame, of course he is not, but as even he has said, you were foolish indeed to risk at guessing no more harm would come to you.”

A brief silence fell during which, perhaps, those present were waiting for Penny to accept their point and back down, or else explain herself further. It was clear, however, that there was an edge of defiance to her, something in the straightness of her back, the way she held her head high that said, for all she would not look them in the eye, she was convinced of her position. As the silence extended to several seconds, glances were exchanged around the room.

It was Gandalf who spoke at last.

“Ah, but, Aragorn, I believe Pen-ii when she says she felt herself to be certain. Indeed I suspect it was no guess at all… was it, Pen-ii? It has to be accepted that your explanation is a fair one: if Halladan were to have acted it would mostly likely have been in that first instant and thus for you to stay still was the best course open to you; but it has to be remarked upon, and I am sure all here will agree, that for someone in such a position as that in which you found yourself to manage to think so lucidly, so clearly in an instant, and particularly when the person is one such as yourself who is not used to such crises, not trained in them as, by contrast, all this room have been from an early age… Well, you can appreciate our confusion and our interest in your assessment of the situation, especially given how it is so completely at odds with everyone else’s.”

Penny was aware that even Halladan was looking at her with some intensity now.

She tried desperately to think of a way to answer Gandalf without giving anything away. She had made a promise to Halladan back in Gondor and she would stick by that promise for as long as he held her to it. She knew this would be the perfect moment to talk about it, indeed, frankly, were it up to her she would have told them what had happened that fateful day on the Pelennor long ago, but she would not now voluntarily break her word to him, especially not given the clear distress and discomfort he was already in as it was.

Yet she could think of no other way to explain her thought processes and reaction to what had happened on the Wall beyond what she had already said. She just shrugged, managing to almost but not quite look Gandalf in the eye as she did so. Her failure to respond adequately to him spoke volumes.

Gandalf nodded slowly to himself.

“I see. In which case, let me be more direct: is it because that is what worked best the last time?”

Penny was not the only one to look at him in some surprise. The only one who did not was Halladan, who stared at the flagstones in front of him, his face suddenly ashen.

“What do you mean by that, Mithrandir?”

“Just what I said, Elrond.” Gandalf turned back to Penny. “Well, Pen-ii? Am I correct?”

Penny’s expression said far more than words ever could even if she could have found any to come out of her mouth. Gandalf smiled softly.

“I hope you are taking note of this, Halladan. She still will not speak of it. She has stayed loyal to you all this time and remained silent, even though she persisted in pushing you to get help as you yourself confessed to Aragorn. I can guess well enough you made her promise not to tell anyone, that you felt it hard enough to admit what was happening even to yourself, let alone have others know, and even now, even in such company she would rather make herself seem foolish and reckless than break that promise to you.”

He turned to Halladan and laid one hand gently on his shoulder.

“I know this is difficult for you, but after what happened out there on the Wall… Well, you must surely realise that it must all come out now. If nothing else, even if as Pen-ii says you really would have done no further harm to her and it was her own contact with your arm that triggered the reaction in you, you still came dangerously close to the edge of the Wall by all accounts. Matters could have been very serious indeed out there. You do not need me to tell you that. I will not press you, either of you, but you are a wise young man, Halladan, like your father before you and I think you know it must be spoken of at last. Pen-ii has respected you enough to hold to her promise, though I do not doubt she found it hard to do so given the clear concern she had for your health, but it is time either you tell us what occurred or else allow her to speak freely.”

Halladan had raised his head to look at Penny as Gandalf had spoken, his eyes shining with unshed tears. Penny held his gaze for as long as she could bear it and then had to look away. Arvain was staring in clear bewilderment and astonishment at the pair of them.

“Is this true?”

Penny’s gaze flickered in Arvain’s direction, but she could not look at anyone directly. She had her head bowed slightly, a knot in her stomach and her breathing slightly erratic, just waiting to see what would happen, what Halladan’s reaction would be to this. She felt that he was still looking at her, and glanced up at last in time to see him look away towards Arvain.

“Yes,” Halladan said at last, and his voice was a mere harsh whisper.

There was a brief silence.

“You know, I did wonder if that was the case.” Aragorn’s voice was little more than a murmur at first. “When you told me Pen-ii had spoken to you, pushed you into talking about the difficulties you were facing… I knew you would not have discussed such matters with her voluntarily. If you could not talk to me, Arvain, Faelon or to any of those who you have known all your life and yet you had discussed it with her, then it could only have been because something had forced you to admit it to her. I said as much to Gandalf…”

“And I agreed.”

Silence fell once more. Penny briefly wondered if she should say something, but felt it was best that Halladan take the lead on this. It was a little while before he spoke at last and when he did his voice sounded hoarse and strained.

“Since I have no other course open to me than talk of this, then, yes, what Gandalf says is true. It happened when Pen-ii and I were alone on the Pelennor that time. That is how she knew I was ill. I made her promise not to tell anyone.”

He glanced up at Penny as he said that, perhaps in recognition of the fact that, as Gandalf had said, she had kept her promise all this time. Penny smiled hesitantly, if sadly, but his gaze dropped away almost instantly.

“Do not blame her for not speaking of it. I… I was somewhat forceful in my insistence on that point, but then she was equally insistent in return that I at least consider talking to one of you about it.” He paused. “I had managed to avoid much of the Pelennor in all those months, but we were riding hard and fast, without much concern for where we were going. My only thought was to help Pen-ii forget what had happened for a while.” He looked up vaguely, without really looking at anyone in particular. “It was the same day she was attacked by the thief,” he explained. “When we stopped I did not even think of where we might be, did not recognise it at first, and then when I did...”

“It was a place you recognised from the battle?” Gandalf asked, gently. “The first time you had been back there?”

Halladan nodded. As the seconds stretched out once more it seemed a more detailed answer was expected but none was immediately forthcoming.

“Do you have any recollection of what happened?”

He shook his head in answer to Gandalf’s question, but still seemed unwilling to say more. Again the seconds ticked away. It was Elrond who spoke at last, his voice quiet and soft, speaking as a healer with millennia of wisdom and lore behind him, who had seen so many suffer through grief and torment, not least his own wife. He spoke as someone who had known Halladan all his life, known his father and grandfather before him, someone who cared very deeply about him.

“For Pen-ii to have persisted in trying to get you to talk to someone, Halladan, I can only assume it was not a mere waking memory she witnessed.” He glanced at Penny, perhaps hoping to catch her eye, encourage her to speak, but she was staring resolutely at her hands once more. “Would it be fair to guess that she must have had some cause for concern beyond what might be reasonably expected?”

Halladan said nothing, just leaned forward, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands once more.

“Halladan,” Elrond continued, his voice still calm, “if you remember when I spoke to you about this, I asked if any of the waking visions you had experienced had been anything other than passive and quiet. I suspected then you were holding something from me. Is that what happened or was today truly the first time such a thing has occurred? I need to know.”

Halladan raised his head a little, bringing one hand to his mouth, brushing his fingertips over his lips nervously. He was staring somewhere ahead of him unseeing. It was clear he was struggling within himself to say something, summoning up the courage to answer Elrond. He closed his eyes for a moment and gave a heavy sigh of resignation.

“In truth I… I have little memory of what happened. All I know is…” He cut himself short and glanced briefly in Aragorn’s direction, a pained half-glance before his head dropped back to his hands. “I am ashamed to have to admit this… I drew my sword on her.”

The shock from the others was palpable. There were audible gasps.

“What?!”

“No!”

“Elbereth, Halladan!”

There was an awful silence.

“That is not what happened.” Penny’s voice was quiet but resolute. “I told you that at the time, Halladan. You did not draw your sword on me…”

“I drew my sword whilst you were near me, Pen-ii, that is enough. I was not in control of myself,” and the words were ground out through his teeth, bitterly wrung from him, “I could have killed you.”

“But you did not. You were never close to attacking me.”

“No?” He lifted his head sharply then to look at her, his eyes dark, serious and intense. “Can you be certain? And after what happened on the Wall just now, can you honestly still say that?”

It was as if the others were holding their breath, waiting for her to answer.

“For all that I was scared,” she said hesitantly at last, “and, yes, I admit I was scared…”

“I told you to leave. I told you to get to horses.”

“I know, but I was too bewildered to understand what was happening. It happened so quickly, Halladan. For a moment I honestly thought we were being attacked…”

“So all the more reason for you to have run to the horses,” Halladan said grimly.

Penny hung her head a little at that. She knew he was right.

“Do not blame her, Halladan,” Aragorn said kindly. “In a moment of panic and confusion it is hard to know what is the right thing to do. Pen-ii has had no experience of such moments.”

‘Well, other than the orc attack in the Misty Mountains,’ Penny thought, remembering only too clearly how she had completely freaked out on that occasion.

“The important point is, Halladan,” she continued, trying to respond to his original question, “that for all I was scared at first, I was convinced, once I had started talking to you, that I was not in any danger… or that it was far less than I had at first feared, anyway.”

Halladan stared at her in astonishment, nor was he the only one.

“You spoke to him, Pen-ii?” Aragorn sounded nearly as stunned as Halladan looked. “He was having a waking memory, his sword drawn and you spoke to him?!"

“Pen-ii, do you have any idea how dangerous that might have been?” Elrond looked appalled.

“She sang to him just now!” Arvain seemed to think this proved the point he had been trying to make all along.

Elrond boggled at him.

“I sang to him simply because it was the first thing I could think of that would be out of keeping enough with whatever he might be seeing or remembering, Arvain. If he could react to your shout, could hear that, then perhaps he would hear the song…”

She trailed off, wondering if she sounded as foolish as she suspected she did. She did not catch the look exchanged by Aragorn and Gandalf that showed they did not find her reasoning foolish in the least.

“Is that also why you spoke to him on the Pelennor, Pen-ii?” Elrond asked. “Surely you should have known it would have been safer to let the vision run its course? I know you understand a little about these things.”

“Perhaps. … If he had become quiet, withdrawn, lost in the memory, then I would have sat quietly and waited, even gone to stay with the horses as he had asked me to.”

Glances were exchanged, each of them immediately realising, without Penny having said so, that she had therefore very probably also witnessed just such a moment with Halladan as well.

“And he was not like that?” Elrond looked to Arvain now. “On the Wall, did he say anything, seem animated?”

“Other than taking hold of Pen-ii’s arm and then moving round in reaction to my shout, no, in truth.”

Elrond nodded and looked back at Pen-ii.

“But he was far more animated that time on the Pelennor?”

Penny hesitated. She looked at Elrond, then at Halladan who had bowed his head once more, still leaning forward and now with his hands clasped in front of him, his elbows on his thighs.

“Pen-ii?”

Still she paused.

“Tell them,” Halladan muttered, not even looking up at her. “If they need to know everything that happened, then tell them.”

Tears came into her eyes.

“Is it not enough to know that it happened, to leave it at that?”

“Perhaps,” said Elrond gently, “but given Halladan has already held back information from me that might have allowed us to help him more exactly before now… I fear, Pen-ii, and I am truly sorry, Halladan, but you must tell me everything about what occurred, if only so I, and the other healers amongst us here, can fully assess his condition.”

Oh God.

She had not taken her eyes off Halladan all this time. He was still not looking at her.

“I am so sorry,” she breathed.

He said nothing, just lifted his hands up to his head once more, as if bracing himself for whatever she was about to say. That she then also glanced at Arvain with an apologetic, worried expression also made Arvain look at her with some concern and alarm. She stared at her lap for a moment, summoning up her courage.

“As I said, it all happened very suddenly. One moment we were talking, then he was suddenly telling me to get to the horses and fast, and then…” She paused and looked up once more at Halladan, now not taking her eyes off him as she continued. “He… He was in battle. That much was obvious. He was looking round him at foes on every side, as if he were surrounded. That was why he drew his sword. It was nothing to do with me – he could not even see me, had his back turned to me at first and was some yards away from me at that point. It was an instinct reaction to being in that situation.”

“You did not think to run?” Arvain asked.

She hesitated before answering.

“I… was scared that if I ran that he might then notice me but… not recognise me.” Her voice fell to something near to a whisper. “That he might mistake me for whatever foe he faced.”

Arvain glanced at Aragorn, the two exchanging appalled, if sympathetic, looks.

“So he was moving, armed…” Elrond was clearly trying to stay in the role of objective healer making clear of the facts. “Was he talking?”

“Yes.” She still did not take her eyes off Halladan. “Yes, he was shouting and roaring. I did not understand it all. Some of it might have been Westron but much of it, I suspect, was language not fit for female ears.”

She gave a half-smile, trying to almost laugh and failing completely.

“What little could you make out?”

She shrugged.

“Insults. That he would fight them all, that they would never take him alive…” She trailed off.

Next to her Arvain’s face showed his distress, his jaw tight as he listened to her.

“But what made you talk to him, Pen-ii?” Elrond insisted gently. “He was armed, clearly thinking himself in battle… You said just now you were terrified of running in case he mistook you for an orc or worse, so why bring his attention to your presence?”

It took her several moments to answer, fighting back the tears that threatened. Her reaction to the question more or less told them the answer even before she said it. Only now did she at last break her gaze on Halladan, letting it drop to the flagstones in front of her just before she spoke.

“He began screaming Hirvell’s name.”

The hands in Halladan’s hair clenched, gripping his scalp hard, the knuckles whitening.

There was a muttered oath from Arvain beside her, words she did not understand and no one translated. Everyone else in the room looked stricken. Penny could not bring herself to look at Halladan. When she continued, she kept her gaze fixed on the floor in front of her, her voice shaking with emotion.

“I could not stand there and do nothing. I could not. I know it was probably the wrong thing to do, that it was incredibly dangerous, perhaps, and I was even telling myself that at the time, but I had to stop him, stop what was happening, I could not allow him to relive…” A tear spilled down her cheek and she wiped it away brusquely. She took a deep, shuddering breath. “I called his name. He heard me, turning towards me…”

“His sword still in his hand?”

It was Aragorn who asked. She looked up, hesitating before she realised she had to be honest. She nodded.

“Ai, Pen-ii,” he breathed. “You have no idea how much danger you were in.”

“Perhaps that was a good thing,” she replied quickly. “Had I known, perhaps I would not have done it. Who can say if I helped him or not? I doubt I did, but it is possible I might have done. Whatever the case he certainly moved on from that particular memory.”

Aragorn acknowledged the point with a nod of the head, and she continued.

“I want to make it absolutely clear that, though he had his sword in hand, raised, and, yes, I admit, pointing towards me,” (the others winced as she said this, and Halladan’s shoulders seemed to slump a little further), “he did not advance, did not threaten me. He seemed wary, unsure, that was all. As if waiting to see who I was, or perhaps dimly recognising me, I do not know… that is if he could even see me, which I doubt.”

She looked round at them, desperate that they not think the worst and that she managed to make it clear that for all what had happened was serious, it was not as bad as might be thought at first.

“When I knew he could hear me, I just kept talking. I told him none of it was real, that whatever he could see or hear it was akin to a dream and nothing more. I reminded him where he was, that I was with him, asked him how could he hear me, how could I be with him if he were truly in the midst of battle? There were some birds singing nearby and I told him to listen to them, to put all his concentration into their song, asking how could he hear their song, how could they even be singing if he were in a battlefield? I have no idea if he could hear me or was listening to me, but as I talked he slowly lowered and then dropped his sword… and then it was over.” She paused. “I doubt I pulled him out of it – I know these things pass of their own accord – but I could not stand there and do nothing. I was scared, barely even able to believe what I was doing, but all I could think of was that he was suffering.” She paused once more as the tears threatened to overcome her. “It would have been inhuman, cruel not to try and help, however idiotic, however futile...” Her voice was cracking from the emotion and from holding back the tears.

Silence fell as everyone took this in and gave her time to recover her emotions.

“Now I can better understand your actions on the Wall, Pen-ii,” Arvain murmured as he put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her sideways and hugging her to him a little, placing his chin on her head. When she pulled back from him after a little while or so she glanced up at him to find him smiling sadly at her, his eyes wet.

Then, as Gandalf shifted his weight, as if preparing to speak, and Elrond opened his mouth to say something, Halladan slowly sat upright, clearly struggling to keep himself composed.

He could not look at Penny at first.

“What you did was indeed foolish and dangerous,” he said quietly, his voice thick with emotion. “You know how badly injured Hiluin’s wife was, and yet you even said to me that day that I was not yet another Hiluin.”

“You were not. You are not…” She stopped as he held up a hand to silence her.

“I am appalled at my actions, but thankful that the situation was not as bad as I had feared, though it was still far worse than you tried to let me believe.”

“You were fortunate, Halladan,” Elrond interjected gently, “that Pen-ii was someone who understood and was then prepared to force you to confront your illness.”

“I know,” he said, his voice cracking slightly.

Only then did he finally lift his head to look at her. He held his hand out to her, reaching past Gandalf who had stepped back a little. She took it, smiling sadly and a little awkwardly at him. She waited for him to say something more, but nothing came. He clearly wanted to, but either could not find the words, or else feared he might break down completely if he opened his mouth and tried to speak. The war of emotions going on within him was clear on his face for everyone to see.

“Really, I did nothing. I only did what anyone would have done.”

Halladan held her hand for a moment longer and then slowly allowed his own to fall away from hers. Still he looked at her for some seconds more, something akin to gratitude visible in his eye.

“I would not say that, Pen-ii. As Lord Elrond has just said, you understood enough to know what you had witnessed was an indication of just how very ill he was. Which is why you would not let him be, I do not doubt.”

“And there lies the difference between Pen-ii and I, Gandalf,” Arvain said. “I did not want to risk my brother’s wrath by referring to it without his doing so first. Pen-ii had more courage than I.”

“Courage?” Penny seemed genuinely surprised by his use of the word. “No. It was more likely because I had only known Halladan a short time so it was easier as a stranger to be ruder and blunter to him, that was all.”

There were soft chuckles at that, and even Halladan managed a smile.

“Well, I think you have proved you have more courage than you perhaps realised, Pen-ii, if you thought nothing of confronting an armed warrior who might not have recognised you when you spoke to him.”

“I think that is the point, Lord Elrond: I did not think. Had I stopped to do so, I likely would not have done it.”

“I could hear you, you know,” Halladan said suddenly, his voice subdued. “I do remember that. Just the tail end of it and hearing your voice.”

He looked at her once more and gave her a hesitant, rueful smile which she returned. Even as she did so, though, his face fell once more.

“Still to know that I acted so, and now again once more…” He shook his head. “I am more marred than I feared.”

“Don’t you dare, Halladan!”

The ferocity with which Penny spoke took them all by surprise.

“Pen-ii, I levelled a sword at you…”

“So did your father, and that, frankly, was far worse. His blade was this close to my neck.” She held up finger and thumb, barely half an inch apart. “He had his reasons, of course, and I do not blame him in the least given what I had just said to him, but to be honest? I felt more terror that time with your father than I ever did with you either on the Pelennor or on the Wall. I honestly thought he was about to kill me then and there.”

“It is hardly the same, Pen-ii…”

“Perhaps not, but don’t you dare sit there and say things that if said about another would make you furious. You were just as appalled as I when Sidhwen declared Hiluin must have been weak in the head all along, and I will get just as angry with you if you say such things about yourself now.”

“I thought you said I was not another Hiluin?”

Again that rueful smile and a slightly intense look.

“You are not. I am sure anyone here could tell you that…”

“You know you are not, Halladan,” Aragorn said quietly. “Not yet, nor do I think you will take his path, indeed I know you will not since, unlike him, you have confronted and accepted your condition, as well as discussed it openly with others. That is the path to healing. And, it seems, you have Pen-ii to thank for it in large part.”

Halladan nodded.

“I am eternally grateful to her.”

Penny looked down at her hands, suddenly embarrassed.

“So,” Arvain said, perhaps trying to break the mood a little. “What now?”

“Now? Now I know better what Halladan’s condition is, the extent and depth of it, I can better aid him,” Elrond replied. “Not only I, but Mithrandir also and Estel. If need be we have also have the skill of Lady Galadriel to call upon, indeed I feel sure she might insist upon helping if only because Halladan is so loved by one she loves dearly.” He glanced at Aragorn as he said this and smiled. “However, more immediately we are nearing supper, and if you feel up to eating, Halladan, we shall join the company, otherwise we shall repair to my chambers and start straight away. I wish to do what I can this very night. I suspect it is in large part being in this place that has caused this. I have noticed a change in demeanour in many of the Dunedain whilst we have been here, and not all of it is due to the pipeweed running low.”

Gandalf waved a hand at that, as if to say pipeweed was neither here nor there as far as he was concerned.

“I am fairly confident that once we are travelling once more things might ease a little,” Elrond finished.

“Well then,” Arvain replied, getting to his feet. “I for one am glad.”

He stepped over to his brother and held out his hand. Halladan grasped him by the forearm even as he too stood up. The two looked at each other for a moment before Arvain pulled Halladan into an embrace, clapping him across the shoulders with his free arm.

“You will get well, Halladan. I know it. Indeed I have already seen a difference in you in recent days. Listen to Elrond, brother, and do everything he asks of you. You know if you need anything of me, you have only to ask.”

“And I thank you for it, Arvain.”

Penny felt it was perhaps time for her to leave them all to it, so she stood as well. As she did so she caught Aragorn’s eye. He smiled at her and nodded approvingly.

“I should perhaps...” she muttered, gesturing vaguely at the door behind her.

Arvain moved to one side, allowing space for Halladan to step towards her. His face seemed far softer than it had since they had entered the antechamber. Penny could not help but smile a little at him.

“I am so sorry you have had to go through all this, Halladan. It must have been dreadful to hear it, but it is over now, and now you can begin to heal.”

He nodded, finding it hard to look at her suddenly, his gaze flicking to the floor, to her shoulder, to Aragorn’s boots and back.

“And to have had it forced on you like this, in company… Well, I cannot say I truly understand, perhaps, but I can sympathise and apologise for my part in any discomfort you have felt.”

“In truth, Pen-ii, it is hardest for me to know that you have been a witness to such things.” He looked her in the eye then. “It is hard for me to bear to know that I put you in danger, but to confess such things to those here, those who have long known me and have known others affected as I am… well, that was not nearly as humiliating for me as knowing you have seen me at my weakest, at my most shameful… ”

“Halladan…”

“No, Arvain,” Penny glanced at him, holding up a hand, “no, Halladan has always shown himself to me to be a man who speaks plainly.”

In spite of her words she was having difficulty keeping herself together in that moment. What Halladan had said had hurt her and that was plain to everyone there judging from her reaction.

“I only meant to explain my anger, my obstinacy…”

“I know. And you are right. Of course you are. How could it be otherwise? I am your ward and I am a woman, not some fellow soldier used to the ways of warriors. Of course it must seem humiliating to you to have had me witness what I did. I understood that even as it was happening, even as you exploded at me afterwards and then rode off leaving me to chase after you. It was why I was so determined that I would say my piece, even if it meant you would never speak to me again, and I knew that was a very real risk, Halladan. Make no mistake I understood full well how angry I might make you by speaking so plainly to you that day, but I felt I had to.”

She paused, looked down for a moment and went to rest a hand on his arm, but as she did so he reached out and took her hand in his own. She looked up at him.

“I am truly sorry that you had to have me present on such occasions. Truly. I have done my best to refrain from referring to what happened on the Pelennor directly, to make you uncomfortable, but at the same time I knew it was serious, Halladan, as I told you both then and since then, and as such I could not in all conscience remain silent. I cannot say I am sorry today has happened. I am glad they know. They should have been told a long time ago. They, not I, were the ones who should have been there perhaps, but consider: if I had not been there, if you had been alone, would you have even now admitted to yourself let alone to anyone else that you were even unwell?”

Halladan was nodding slightly. Penny squeezed his hand.

“I shall go. Forgive me, Halladan, for anything I have done or said to ever make you ill at ease. You know I would never willingly do anything to cause you pain.”

“Nothing to forgive. Rather it is I…”

“No, no. Not then, not now, not ever.”

He squeezed her hand then, and smiled slightly. She returned his smile, then let go of his hand and turned to leave, looking round at the others by way of farewell as she did so with nods in the direction of Elrond and Aragorn in particular.

“Forgive me, Arvain, for getting angry.”

“No, I should apologise, Pen-ii.”

He hugged her, holding her tight, pressing his cheek against hers. As he did so she heard him whisper a very quiet ‘may Eru reward you’ into her ear. As they pulled apart he was smiling broadly at her.

At the door, she heard her name and found Elrond behind her, following her out into the corridor. As they left he said in a low voice that he was grateful that she had been so frank, even if it had been hard to say let alone to do so in front of Halladan. He had always suspected much of what she had had to relate, but it helped him enormously to have it confirmed. It also helped, he told her quietly, for Halladan to know both what had happened, but also that others such as himself, Aragorn and Gandalf, thought it as serious an episode as Penny had guessed it might be and agree that she had been right to push him to seek help.

“And, yes, you were both brave and foolish in what you did, Pen-ii, but I think you might well have helped him more than you think. Even if you did not help the vision to end more quickly, you certainly stopped the memory of his brother’s death and the torment that was causing him at that moment.” He smiled and laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. “You did well both then and today.”

Her smile shone with pride. Words failed her.

“Go and get something to eat. I know you have found it hard to be here yourself, but we leave on the morrow. Things will seem a little brighter then, I feel sure of it.”

He smiled at her kindly and Penny turned to leave, though not before thanking Legolas for having taken her round Helm’s Deep.

“Not at all, Pen-ii. I am only sorry our walk ended in the manner in which it did.”

“In truth, I cannot say I am, Legolas. This way, at least, Halladan has been forced to admit that which he was trying to cope with alone. Those who can best help him now can do their work and he will heal, and heal that much faster as a consequence.”

Legolas nodded in agreement, smiling slightly at her truthful assessment of the situation. She bade farewell to Celeborn, who inclined his head graciously in return, and then headed off to find her way through the maze of corridors back to her room.

Halladan did not appear at supper. Nor did Elrond or Aragorn. Arvain did, however, and made a point of squeezing himself next to Penny when he arrived, smiling warmly at her as he did so. He also bit Rhimlath’s head off for her when he let slip that the bathing rooms that they had used earlier in the day, being in the lowest parts of the Burg, naturally cool and with a floor surface designed to deal with wet, had been used to store some of the dead after the battle until burial.

Penny had stopped eating at that point, understandably enough, and even Lindir had scowled at Rhimlath pointedly till Rhimlath had sighed and apologised to Penny for ‘forgetting mortal sensibilities about such matters.’

He had meant it sincerely, though, which was something, and even tried to make up for it by asking Penny for detailed descriptions of the Glittering Caves though Penny knew full well he could have done without hearing about any of it.

It was another warm night that night and, after everything else that she had been through that day, it was not surprising that once more Penny’s sleep was filled with dreams.

Some time before dawn she awoke in a cold sweat and could not sleep again, indeed part of her brain refused to allow her to try in fear she might fall back into the same nightmare. Instead she dressed and wandered out into the courtyard and thence onto the Wall where she watched the dawn slowly rise over the valley below, but still her thoughts kept returning back to her dream.

She had dreamt of Helm’s Deep. Not only that but she had dreamt of the battle itself. Worse still she had dreamt her family were there with her.

She had been standing on the Wall, looking out towards the Dike, and somehow she could actually see over the Dike rampart, could see a great swarm of blackness heaving and writhing as it raced towards them. She was dimly aware of Aragorn nearby, as well as Legolas, but also all the Dunedain, and very possibly a few elves as well. Indeed she had been holding Arvain’s hand at one point in her terror.

But then she had heard a shout and looked over the parapet (suddenly the Wall’s parapet was a mere few feet high) to see her mother and brother below on the greensward, screaming to be let up and with the orcish hordes rampaging up behind them. The Wall itself too had shrunk in height because many were leaning over the parapet, reaching out to them to try and pull them up, but their reach was not long enough or they could not get good purchase on their hands. Everyone around her was shouting and screaming, both to prepare themselves for the onslaught as the Uruk and Dunlendings, roaring in battle fury, came pouring through the Dike’s breach, but also in desperation to save Penny’s mother and brother. She was shouting out to them and also to anyone near her, begging that they help them, but even as finally they managed to start to haul themselves up the Wall, the Uruks fell upon them, surrounded them, pulling them back down. She watched as her mother disappeared, screaming, buried in a sea of vile, twisted faces.

Then beside her she had heard sobbing and turned to find her brother had made it, had indeed been pulled up in time, but had been caught by orcish blades on the way. His clothes were red with blood, his face pale. He was already dead.

And it was Halladan who was holding him, cradling him to his chest as if he were a child, his face twisted in anguish as he howled.