My apologies for the delay in getting this chapter done and posted. A difficult chapter coincided with exhausting real life stuff, I am afraid. Just to warn you, it is possible that future chapters may arrive slower than of late. I will endeavour to post when I can, but if there is a similarly lengthy delay at any time, then at least I have forewarned you. Sorry!

Chapter 26 - “Easier Said Than Done”

Penny felt very strange following Pippin. He was taking her on exactly the same route that she knew Gandalf had taken him that very first morning he had arrived in Minas Tirith. It was a distinctly odd experience to say the least.

The sentries were on the door to the Hall, just as Penny knew they would be. As she followed Pippin down the stone flagged corridor she noted that it was even more sonorous and grand that she had ever imagined it in her mind’s eye. However, she breathed a quiet sigh of relief when Pippin did not stop at the metal door that she knew opened into the huge, pillared room with the throne at the far end, but instead continued on past it. As much as she would have loved to have seen it, she had no desire to conduct whatever conversation was about to take place in such surroundings.

A couple of yards on from the door to the throne room, Pippin took a sharp left and then started up a stone staircase, the steps of which were worn smooth and clearly aged. At the top, Pippin turned left once more and led the way down a corridor that ran directly above the one they had just left. At the far end, he stopped in front of a heavy wooden door. He knocked, throwing a grin up at Penny over his shoulder as he did so.

Gandalf came to the door.

“Ah, so you found her, then, Raz? Very good. Thank you.”

Pippin beamed, nodded at them both and stood back to let Penny past him.

“Thank you, Raz,” Penny murmured in Westron.

Gandalf also stood to one side, holding the door open for her and then shutting it behind her, leaving Pippin out in the corridor.

Penny found herself in an antechamber of a similar size to Elrond’s study in Imladris. Two tall windows opposite the door opened out onto a balcony which looked out over the south of the city. Aragorn was out on it, chatting quietly with Elrond as she came in. Glancing up at her arrival, they smiled and made their way through into the room.

A great fireplace was on the right hand side, the surround made of white marble. The floor, too, was marble, but of various colours to make geometric patterns. The bottom halves of the walls were dressed with wood panelling, intricately inlaid in a sort of a ‘trompe l’oeil’ design making it seem as if there were shelves and books, cupboards and bowls of fruit all at knee or hip height. The upper halves of the walls were hung with tapestries, mostly mirroring the view outside. The ceiling was made up of panels formed by ‘beams’ of carved stone. Each one had been plastered and then painted to make the ceiling seem like a sky. It started with a rosy dawn at the left, moving through a clear blue with the occasional cloud and ending in a dark night sky, studded with stars above the fireplace.

Penny stared in amazement.

It was a tad overblown for her tastes, admittedly, but it was still very impressive.

“Ah, Lady Pen-ii.” Aragorn smiled as he stepped into the room, a gold goblet in his hand.

Penny did her poor attempt at a half-curtsey-come-bow.

“Do not feel you have to stand on ceremony here, Pen-ii. No Gondorian nobles taking note of protocols at this moment. You are quite safe.” He grinned. “Please, sit.” He indicated a chair near the fireplace and then took a chair opposite hers.

“Pen-ii.” Elrond nodded at her in greeting, smiling, and came over to sit down next to her.

Just the three of them? Penny had expected more, though she was grateful if this was going to be it.

“I did ask Arwen if she would like to be here, but she felt it best we kept numbers to a minimum,” Aragorn was saying. “Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel also declined. However, I did insist Legolas should be here, given that your knowledge pertained as much to him as it did to Mithrandir or myself.”

He smiled gently as he spoke, making it clear he was trying to make her feel at ease. She appreciated it, even if the knot in her stomach was getting tighter with every passing second.

“Would you care for a drink, Pen-ii?”

“Oh, no, thank you, Gandalf.”

He raised an amused eyebrow in her direction. “It is fruit pulp and water. Do you really think we would be indulging in alcohol so early in the day?”

Penny flushed a little as the three chuckled slightly. She had seen the goblets in Aragorn’s and Elrond’s hands and had just assumed it was wine.

“Then, yes, thank you, I will. That would be most kind.”

Her goblet was also made of gold (and so heavier than she had expected), and the drink itself seemed to be apricot or peach pulp mixed with water. It was very refreshing. Penny said as much, Elrond agreed and Aragorn explained that there were some fruit orchards still left standing on the Pelennor, but really the best fruit came from Lebennin.

The gentle small talk filled a few seconds.

In the meantime, there came a knock at the door and Gandalf once more went to answer it, clearly enjoying his role as impromptu ‘general factotum.’

It was Legolas, as expected. He was soon armed with a fruit juice as well and then found himself a chair and placed it next to Aragorn’s, opposite Penny. Gandalf seated himself between her and Aragorn. Then after a minute or two the idle pleasantries and chit chat died away and for a moment there was silence.

Now she was here Penny had no idea what to say. Everything and nothing, it seemed. It suddenly felt so ridiculous, to have all this fuss made over something which was in the past, which no one could change. Not only that, but whatever she might have gone through was as nothing compared to anything the four individuals seated round her had endured and witnessed in their lives.

She was painfully aware of that, and it only added to her sense of foolishness.

“So,” Gandalf said at last. “I realise you wished to talk to me, to us, indeed. I have been looking forward to seeing you once more, and was most pleased Lord Elrond chose to bring you with him. I had a feeling he might.”

He gave one of his inscrutable glances in Elrond’s direction as he said this, and Elrond gave the merest hint of an eyebrow by way of reply.

“I was worried you might not remember me,” Penny said quietly, with enough of a hint of laughter in her voice to make it clear she considered herself ridiculous for having considered the idea.

“Oh?”

“Well, as the White you appeared more… distant, more removed from this world, from your former self…”

She noticed Legolas and Aragorn glancing at each other, vague smirks on their faces.

“Not so much now, but at first, yes, that was true,” Gandalf said. “I would not have forgotten a story as extraordinary as yours, though, Pen-ii. I might have thought I had dreamt it or foreseen it at first, perhaps, but never forgotten it.”

“Has it really been so hard with us that you yearned for Gandalf’s insight so much, Pen-ii?” Elrond’s tone was not admonishing, merely curious. He had a faint smile on his face.

“Oh, no! No, no, not at all! You have all been so very kind to me, and especially yourself, and Arwen, and Erestor and Glorfindel, those who knew…”

“Not Lindir? I had understood you two had become very good friends.”

“Well, I only told him in Lothlorien, Gandalf, indeed that was why I told him, because he was such a good friend. In truth I have not spoken much of it at all since we travelled. It has not really been possible with so many with us who knew nothing of my story… I have not spoken of it terribly much since the War ended, in fact.”

“Even before then, Pen-ii,” Elrond spoke quietly. “You spoke to me, and could talk freely with the few who knew if you so wished, but you were hampered both by your lack of Sindarin as well as… well, I think you did not wish to burden some of us, perhaps.”

He looked in Aragorn’s direction as he said this, and Aragorn nodded, understanding his meaning.

“Arwen told me she sensed as much from you, Pen-ii,”Aragorn said, “that you held back a lot of what you knew and felt in her presence, no doubt because you did not wish to worry her. Is that the case?”

Penny nodded, suddenly very interested in the contents of her goblet.

“I think the time before I was able to speak freely to Lord Elrond was the worst.”

For a moment she stopped speaking as the memory of that time flooded back: trapped in spiral of despair, knowing the inevitable result of what would happen, torn between wanting to do anything in her power to stop it and yet knowing the futility of such an action, let alone how dangerous it might be.

And Halbarad… always Halbarad…

Penny roused herself and struggled to remember what they had been talking about.

“She could sense, I am sure, that I was upset, but I did not want her to think it related to you. I did not want her to fear for you, to worry unnecessarily.”

She shifted uncomfortably, not wanting to explain in any detail how incredibly hard she had found it to try and mask her emotions all the time. Little did she know she had not been terribly good at it, and it had all been seen and guessed at the time. Thus all four sitting there knew well enough about it without her saying anything.

“After I had spoken to Lord Elrond, well, we did speak of it very briefly once. She told me she knew all would be well. She had foreseen herself as your wife, and how could that come to pass if any harm were to come to you?” She was aware of some movement and looked up to see Aragorn grinning and the other three exchanging surprised looks. “She never told you?”

“She told me, yes,” Elrond said. “A long time before, but I am surprised she told you. Not that it is of any consequence, indeed, but it shows how far she went to try and put you at ease in all this.”

“I am aware of that, Lord Elrond.” She felt somehow that the admission warranted the formal use of his title. “Queen Arwen showed me great kindness and understanding, sometimes without my even being aware of it till much later. Indeed, that one time we spoke of it, when I also sought to reassure her of the truth of her foresight, was never repeated. Instead she did her best to keep me busy and occupied with other matters. I know she spoke to Mireth and Eleniel also, since if it was not her keeping me busy then it was one of the others, or all three.”

The males smiled, aware this was just the sort of generosity of spirit and kind consideration for which the three ellith were well known.

“However, even then I felt… I knew the horrors still awaiting Maura and the rest of you, the battles, the death… It was still hard to bear.”

Her voice had become very quiet and she continued slowly, as if picking her words carefully while trying to exactly remember her pain and distress at the time.

“I cannot even begin to pretend I can know what each event was like for those involved.”

She deliberately kept her gaze lowered, not even looking at Aragorn, Legolas or Gandalf as she spoke. She felt she was somehow presumptuous to even speak of their experiences, what they had gone through.

“Not only have I never experienced such things, such violence and terror, but… it involves things I had never seen or really understood or even known to be true before I came here.” She paused. “Even so, the mind plays tricks. It fills in the gaps, often with things that are far from the reality, perhaps.”

She was still not looking at them.

“I felt so guilty, so… so helpless…”

She stopped, her throat suddenly tight.

“You had no reason to feel guilt, Pen-ii.” Aragorn spoke quietly, looking at her intently.

She did not answer him, just stared into the cup of juice in her lap.

“I am glad you took my advice, Pen-ii, and spoke in detail to Lord Elrond about what you knew.” If she had looked up at him she would have seen Gandalf smiling kindly at her. “It would not have been possible for you to carry such a burden by yourself.”

“I know.” Her voice was barely above a whisper.

She did know. She had known at the time. It had been almost intolerable. Were it not for the support and affection shown to her back then, she was firmly convinced she would have gone completely round the twist. She was very tempted to confess as much to them - that it had nearly broken her - but restrained herself.

She little realised that they could clearly see and sense that she was fighting to hold it all back, willing herself not to collapse into a splurge of self-pity, bile and ranting. It was clearly all still very raw for her.

Not for the first time, glances were exchanged between the four males.

“She took some persuading, Mithrandir. Did you not, Pen-ii?” Elrond said gently.

“It was only because of the decision about the Dunedain. I had to wait. Had it not been for that I might have spoken to you before. Once that was done, then…”

“That is not strictly true, Pen-ii. Even then you did not speak to me fully. It was when you came to me about Halbarad that finally you told me everything, if you remember.”

Penny closed her eyes for a moment. Then she raised her head and looked at Aragorn, who was watching her with a steady, kindly gaze, one elbow resting lightly on an arm-rest.

“I am sorry.”

“What for, Pen-ii?” His voice was soft, without the slightest hint of anger or reproach.

“For Halbarad.”

She felt her lip wobble, but not from grief so much as at the thought of what his fall must have meant to Aragorn. What was it Halladan had said? That they had been like brothers?

“For not telling you. For not telling you about any of it.” Her gaze flicked between the three of them - Gandalf, Legolas and Aragorn – almost pleading. “I wanted to, but I knew that… I am so very sorry. I know it was selfish of me but since last we met I have feared your anger, feared that at every step you wondered if I had known, and what might have been if you had known in advance. I have worried about it all this time. And then I felt guilty for even thinking it, since I knew it was probably a dishonourable thing to think of you all after the assurances you had given me, and yet I would not have blamed you at all if such thoughts came to mind. How could they not when faced with… what you faced?”

Aragorn sighed and leaned forward, holding the goblet with both hands. He was silent for a moment as if gathering his thoughts, then looked back towards her.

“Pen-ii, I know Legolas has said this to you, and I can only repeat it. The promise that we made to you in Imladris was made with the full awareness that your foreknowledge was detailed, and detailed enough for you probably even to know the names of some that would fall, and they may include those we knew or would come to know and love. We told you then we would forgive you and not lay blame upon you no matter what came to pass. It was made in the hope that your silence was based on the knowledge that Sauron would fall. So it proved, and he did indeed fall. I stand by my promise. As does Legolas, I know. And not one who knows your position disagrees.”

“But, Aragorn, I knew.”

No one commented on her addressing him quite so familiarly, especially given he was now King, and no longer a ‘mere Ranger.’ Now was not the time, nor the situation. She needed to feel like she could talk freely – they had all agreed on that before they had called for her and it was why they had deliberately kept this meeting both as small and informal as possible.

“I knew about it all. About Moria, about Boromir, about everything Maura would face, the attack on Rohan…”

“Do you doubt my word?” He was not angry. “I know all of this, Pen-ii. Halbarad told us something of what little you had told him. Lord Elrond has since confirmed just how detailed your knowledge was. I mean what I say, Pen-ii. There is nothing to forgive. In other circumstances, perhaps, but given what was at stake you had no option. Nothing was worth risking what you knew the outcome to be.” He gave her a meaningful look. “Nothing.”

“Besides which, Pen-ii, would we really have believed you if you had told us what awaited us in Moria?”

Legolas had a point. She smiled thinly.

“No. No, probably not. I doubt you would have believed much of it, in truth.” She glanced at Elrond as she said this.

“I never said I did not believe you,” Elrond replied. “Indeed, I could sense you were in absolute earnest the entire time you spoke to me. I will admit I did wonder if there were parts that were lost in translation or by your limited means of communication, but any doubts I had in that regard were soon lifted when Estel sent word after the War, let alone when Elladan and Elrohir told me more once I saw them in Rohan.”

Penny nodded, almost to herself if anything, and then looked at Aragorn once more.

“Thank you. It means much to know that I have not upset or angered you by my actions.”

“How could I be angered when I knew you were acting on Mithrandir’s counsel? How could any of us?”

Which was true, and Penny immediately felt, again, that she was being foolish with all of this and perhaps even a little rude, and yet… Well, she was only human. She was only flawed, human Penny with all her foibles and wealth of ridiculous, mortal emotions, after all.

She glanced towards Gandalf, who was being particularly quiet. He just looked back at her with his soft, grey eyes. She realised she knew what he was thinking about. She did not know how she knew, only that she was certain she did.

What had that been like for him, to feel death, to feel mortality for an instant? There had been moments of that battle with the balrog he had not been able to speak of even to Aragorn, which had been too horrific or terrible for him to wish to dwell on.

“Forgive me,” she said quietly. “Please, Gandalf. I would have told you.”

He just held out his hand to her, a soft smile on his face, and she took it, with the very strong idea in her head that he was about to wink at her, though he did not. In that gesture, something gave way, some barrier that she had held up all these months. She was fighting back the tears all of a sudden. She had forgotten how kind and gentle he had been…

No, not forgotten. She had never forgotten, though perhaps she had not dwelt on it, since the gap it had left had been huge.

She had missed him.

“I would have told you everything. You know that. I offered to more than once. But I knew what the end would be, and I think you knew too. Or guessed. Or perhaps just hoped, I do not know, but I knew with certainty he would fall, that every piece, that every link, every step would lead to it, and that one thing out of place might easily put that at risk.” The strength of feeling in her tone took them all a little by surprise, though they did not show it. “There was that one time… I felt… You let me feel…”

She could not find a way to describe it, but it was clear Gandalf knew exactly what she was talking about because he nodded slowly.

“Yes, I let you feel something of the horror of him, the fear, the darkness that he was capable of generating in people’s hearts at the mere mention of his name. Perhaps you did not need to be shown that, but I felt it would do no harm to help make you understand why I was asking such a thing of you.”

“I already understood. I had already understood but, yes, that did help to strengthen my determination.”

She paused, her hand still in his, the others saying nothing, only watching, letting her say whatever she felt needed to be said. There was a tremor in her voice as she continued, her voice barely above a whisper.

“It was just so very difficult, Gandalf.”

She briskly brushed away a tear on her cheek, almost in anger at having lost control.

Gandalf gave her hand a gentle squeeze and the others looked sympathetic. They had all heard Elrond, Erestor and Arwen speak at some length of how she had struggled to cope with her burden. Indeed, Halbarad had spoken long into the night about it when he had first journeyed south, with his sons as an audience as well as Aragorn and Legolas, of how concerned he had been about her ability to cope.

“Perhaps it is hard for you to understand but for me, for many like me, this story, the people in it,” she looked round at them for a moment, “all of you… it is like we know you. Of course we do not, but to those who know this story, we love it so, we feel for you, we… care. … I am sorry I am probably not making much sense.”

“Even those who never knew the ancient times can weep over the fall of Fingolfin or the sack of Doriath or the destruction of Gondolin,” Legolas replied. “I understand you completely.”

“Thank you, yes, that is it exactly. I felt as if I was walking every step with you, especially at first.”

“Why did you not speak to me sooner, Pen-ii? I could have saved you some distress.”

Gandalf let her hand slip from his as she turned in her seat slightly to face Elrond.

“Even when I told you about Moria, about the balrog, your and Halbarad’s first reaction was to think to send Glorfindel and others after them, was it not?”

Elrond said nothing.

“I bitterly regretted telling you that. It served no purpose other than to make you all worry terribly. It was stupid of me to tell you. Stupid and unforgivable to make you so alarmed when there was nothing you could do.” She did not notice the glances between the others and raised eyebrows at this harsh opinion of herself. “And then when the news came from Lothlorien…”

She fell silent. She had never forgotten Elrond’s fury with her on hearing of Gandalf’s fall.

“I still say you should have told me. I would have still sent the Dunedain south no matter when the news had come to me. Indeed the decision was never wholly mine. It was as much Halbarad’s and my sons. The advice of Dunedain, Glorfindel and many others was taken into consideration.”

“But I had to know that it was a decision made without my interference. If I had told you ‘this will happen’, and then you had sent them south because of what I had told you, not because of whatever was decided amongst yourselves entirely on the basis of the events themselves and Aragorn’s request, well, then I would never have known if you would have sent them anyway. I…” She swallowed hard. “It… It would have been me who sent Halbarad to his death, Elrond, I would have been responsible. Not only for him, but Hirvell also. I would have killed them both and maimed Halladan, and who knows who else? Do you not think I bear enough responsibility in all this without that on my shoulders as well?”

“Ah, so you would have me bear it on mine?”

Penny stared at him, blinking for a moment as the implication of Elrond’s question sunk in. He was straight faced and unsmiling, but not angry so much as trying to show her the fallacy of her argument, as well as the unintentional charge and insult she had laid against him.

“I-I am sorry. Forgive me, I should not… I did not mean that you… My point was that given I knew what would happen I was responsible, I am responsible for not trying to prevent any of it. That was my decision.” Gandalf opened his mouth to say something. “Yes, it was, Gandalf. I did not have to listen to your advice. I could have sat there and told you everything, even if you had stuffed your fingers in your ears. I had a choice: let things unfold as I knew they would with all that that implied, or else attempt to prevent at least some of the death and destruction but in so doing risk the fall of all Arda into despair and darkness. I cannot say I do not regret my choice, but at the same time I… I would make the same choice again.” This last phrase was said desperately slowly as if she was wringing it out of herself. “I had a choice between death and destruction or even more death or destruction,” she added, a bitter tone to her voice. “I would not wish such a choice on anyone.”

“Let me make one thing very clear, Pen-ii,” Aragorn’s tone, while gentle, was also deadly serious and firm. “You do not bear responsibility for a single death in any of this. Nor, might I add, does Lord Elrond, though I realise that was not at all what you meant to suggest just now. None of this is your doing. It is only Sauron who wrought this evil. Sauron and Saruman between them are entirely responsible for all that we have faced since we left Imladris.”

“I could have warned you. I chose not to.”

“It was the right decision.”

“Was it?”

“Absolutely. Sauron fell and that is something we barely hoped to achieve.”

“And if there was another way?”

“Ah, but was there?”

Gandalf’s voice broke through as a quiet rumble. It was less a question, more a hint that he understood the situation as well as Penny did if not better. She could see him looking at her intently through his eyebrows.

“No,” she said at last, her voice quiet. “Or at least not that I could think of, and I will admit I tried to think of a way over and over again till I was nearly driven mad by it.”

“You say you had a choice between a lesser and greater evil,” Gandalf continued, “and that is indeed true, of course, yet consider the commander of an army, or indeed any leader in a battle situation. He has various options, all of them dangerous, and any deaths that may result will rest on the decisions he made. Do you not think he carries guilt with him at such moments?”

Elrond had commanded in battle, as had Aragorn, and no doubt Legolas in his time in Mirkwood. Gandalf had not only made decisions regarding the Fellowship, and on the battlefield, but had been such a prime mover in all the affairs of the War and leading up to it that he had no doubt made decisions of a similar nature to Penny’s if not greater on more than one occasion.

Indeed, as this thought struck Penny she remembered how, when Pippin had come to tell Gandalf of Denethor’s madness and how Faramir must be saved, Gandalf had looked out onto the battlefield, knowing by saving Faramir he would not face the Witchking, but rather Theoden would do so, and would die.

Or how about Gandalf’s ‘meddling’ that had roused Smaug, and yet if he had not and Smaug had still been alive, the North would have burned (and Imladris with it) once the War had begun. Laketown had lost heavily for that act, though.

There were countless such examples, and all were examples when those responsible could, with every legitimate reason, feel themselves burdened by the weight of their decision and its consequences. Penny had not led people to battle, had not, in some senses, truly held the fate of people’s lives in her hands – it was all indirect, and who was to say that even if she had been utterly frank with what lay ahead of them that anything would have been changed or anyone saved who otherwise now lay in the cold earth. Her sense of guilt and responsibility was as nothing compared to what these four listening to her whinging on might feel let alone anyone else they fought beside or held power and sway over decisions.

Penny nodded slowly. “I had not thought of it in those terms. Forgive me. I must seem very foolish to you.”

“Not at all, Pen-ii. I do not say this to belittle your feelings, only to point out that we understand them completely, and do not blame you for them. When we stood before the Black Gates we had no way of knowing what our fate would be, indeed all seemed lost. We were hopelessly outnumbered. When I saw the evidence of Maura’s capture, I will admit that even I wavered for an instant, wondering if I had sent that gentle kuduk to a fate worse than death, let alone brought all those standing round me to the slaughter. Only for the merest instant, mind,” he wagged a finger, his eyes twinkling, “since if the Ring had been found we would have known it.”

“The Ring could have been stolen or lost on the way, and you would not have known.”

“That is true. You have a gift for pointing out the blackest of scenarios it would appear.” He smiled. “But even when I heard the terrible route Maura had taken, I could not despair. Something told me, deep within, that there was always hope no matter how dark things seemed. I will admit that your eager willingness to stay silent helped. Why would you be so willing when it would obviously be so difficult for you if the outcome were not a good one? Yes, you were responsible for your decision (though I would suggest that those who urged and insisted you stand by it were just as responsible, and that includes all four of us here in this room) but you are not responsible for the consequences of Sauron’s actions. You had little choice, in fact. As you say: it was either to allow much or risk everything. I know you understand that.”

She nodded. “As we say in my tongue: ‘caught between a rock and a hard place.’” She faltered. “To see it, though… To be here and see the result of it all…” A tear trickled down her cheek. “I had no idea… I mean I knew, but never really understood…” More tears fell. And for a moment she wept silently, struggling to maintain control of herself and failing completely.

“War is a dreadful thing, Pen-ii,” Aragorn said quietly, his face now as grim and serious as the others’. “But you must realise Gondorians are a strong people. They had long suffered and battled against this evil, and now that it is lifted they will not regret the losses, only celebrate their victory and the end to such long, dark times borne by countless generations. They will mourn and grieve, indeed they have done and still do, but they are grateful beyond measure that it was not worse. They understand only too well how close they came to defeat, how near a thing it was. Maura and Ban will be long remembered and honoured by us all.”

And Penny thought of the near indifference with which Maura’s deeds would be regarded in The Shire once he returned.

“‘A fool’s hope,’” Penny murmured. Gandalf raised an astonished eyebrow at her, but she did not notice. “In my time, those that know this story well, sometimes ask ‘what if’ of many parts of it. It is true we can bend the story to fit so that Sauron still falls, but if we are honest, if we are really honest, then we know the slightest thing will have such a great effect that it puts it entirely at risk. It was a very slim chance indeed that Maura would succeed, and it was only by the series of events as they occurred that it was possible. Perhaps by other events it may also have worked, but very likely not. Even without Gandalf’s insistence I knew I could not risk telling you.”

“Oh?” Aragorn could not help himself. He was intrigued.

“What if others had been in the Fellowship, such as a balrog-slayer like Glorfindel? What if other members of the Fellowship had gone to Mordor with Maura and Ban? What if Boromir had lived or Raz and Kali not been taken by the orcs, or Saruman not attacked Rohan…”

“Why is it said Glorfindel was not chosen?” Elrond interrupted quickly as Penny’s tone of voice rose higher and progressively more strained.

“It is generally thought that it was because he would have had difficulty concealing his nature to ones such as the Nazgul. Someone has powerful as that would have drawn attention to the Fellowship, especially if they had got as far as Mordor. Any great elf in the Fellowship would have done.”

“But not Gandalf or Aragorn?”

“Well,” she glanced at Gandalf, “certain people kept their power and true nature concealed till the time was right, but even they would have found it nigh impossible to sneak into Mordor undetected. Besides which they were travelling to Gondor, were they not?”

“I would have walked into the pit of Orodruin with Maura, Pen-ii,” Aragorn said, in a determined tone of voice that left no one in any doubt that he meant it absolutely.

“I know you would have. You all would have. That is why the Fellowship had to be broken. The decision had to be made for you.”

There was a brief silence.

“It was the only way. The only possible way Maura could enter Mordor was by secrecy. How best to do that with as small a number as possible? Even then he was thinking to go through the main gate. Secrecy till the last was the only way.” She looked at Gandalf. “You knew Gollum would play a part, and he did. Indeed without him Bara-dur would not have fallen.”

“He killed my people, Pen-ii.” Legolas was looking dark. “He killed my people and tried to lead Maura to his death.”

“Yes, and he also destroyed the Ring. Admittedly by accident, but that is not the point. He betrayed Maura, but not to lead him to Sauron but so he could have the Ring for himself. He lied under torture in Mordor, did you know that? That’s the strength of will he had, again, no doubt, because of his kuduk blood. It probably saved Maura’s life, in fact, because not until they reached Isengard did the Nazgul learn the true whereabouts of Suza. They would have got there a lot sooner otherwise.”

Legolas looked like he was struggling to find an appropriate response to this. His eyes gleamed with fury (though not particularly directed at Penny, that much was clear). He said nothing.

“Forgive me, Legolas, but no one could willingly destroy the Ring. No one.”

She glanced round at them, wondering whether this was news to them or not. Maura would have had to have told them, right? How else would he have lost his finger? One look at their faces told her that they knew exactly what she was referring to.

“Maura was incredibly brave,” Aragorn said quietly, his jaw tight and his eyes narrowing a little as he looked at her, as if daring her to suggest otherwise.

“I know. He achieved what few if any could achieve. Kuduk have a natural resilience to the Ring. Why or how is never fully explained, but this is in part how Gollum held it for so long, though the power of the Ring was very weak at that point also.”

Gandalf and Elrond looked at each other, and seemed to converse silently for a moment, expressing astonishment at the depth of knowledge show about such things in Penny’s time. She was not telling them anything they did not already know or surmised for themselves, admittedly, but it was certainly extraordinary to hear her talk like this.

“That Maura managed what he did is a testament to the strength and inherent goodness of kuduk. Not only that, but without Ban by his side…” She faltered a little once more, her voice wobbling suddenly as she felt the emotion well up from nowhere and without any warning at the mention of his name. “When the Fellowship broke, it was absolutely as it should be that Banazir be the only one to accompany him. Maura could not have done it alone. Ban was his support, literally. Indeed, for that brief time, carried the Ring and saved Maura.” She looked round at them all, her eyes wet with tears. “The strength of will it must have taken for him to hand the Ring back to him… As Sauron grew in strength, so did the Ring. Not only that but it grew more powerful with every step it came nearer to Mordor. For Ban to have the Ring, inside Mordor, and yet still willingly give it up…”

She shook her head, words failing her at that point to adequately describe her admiration for Sam, an admiration that had only strengthened since she had got to know him personally.

“It is clear that the knowledge you possess goes beyond the mere facts of the story,” Gandalf said after a moment. “Kuduk are indeed a special people.”

“You always knew as much. You knew they would have a part to play, even if they had hidden themselves away and knew nothing of the outside world.”

“Indeed I did, Pen-ii, though I could little have imagined it would be quite so spectacular.”

Penny did not respond. Her gaze had fallen to the floor, as if a thought had occurred to her that she was mulling over in her head.

“Pen-ii?” Elrond touched her arm. “What is it?”

She shook her head.

“Pen-ii?” Again, he was gentle but insistent. “We are here to help, to listen. You can speak freely.”

She lifted her head and looked straight at him. “Did you know no one could willingly throw the Ring in Orodruin?”

Elrond seemed slightly startled by the question. He looked at Gandalf and Aragorn before looking back at Penny.

“Well…” he began, a little hesitantly. “Well, we did suspect that perhaps-”

“So how, exactly, did you think Maura would achieve it?”

“I am not sure we ever thought that far ahead,” Aragorn said quietly.

Penny raised an eyebrow at him. With that many farsighted and wise people involved in the decision? She considered it highly unlikely.

“We could not know if he would even reach Mordor unscathed, let alone-”

“Kuduk are strong,” Gandalf interrupted Elrond. “As you yourself said, Pen-ii, they show a particular resilience to the Ring. Bilba and Gollum had both proved that to me, even though, as you say, the Ring was that much weaker when in their possession. I had a feeling that if anyone could achieve such a thing, it would be a kuduk, and if not a kuduk then no one. Hope was hanging by a mere thread, but it was worth taking that chance. It was that or simply let Sauron do as he wished. Like you we had a choice that was no choice at all: namely, between taking a hopeless action or no action. The foolish act was the only chance we had.” He paused. “No one forced Maura to go, nor was the suggestion made to him. He volunteered entirely without any prompting, though he little understood what faced him at the time.”

“Better that way, perhaps,” Legolas said quietly. “I feel sure he still would have insisted he be the one to do it, but he may have fallen into despair long before he reached his goal had he known what lay ahead.”

“We all have our decisions to bear responsibility for, Pen-ii,” Elrond said. “I know you know this. We discussed this a little at the time, I remember. None of us, now we have the gift of hindsight and Sauron is laid low at last and the Ring destroyed, would change anything done, said or acted upon. The dead will be mourned, and it grieves me sorely to have lost so many I loved so well, be they Dunedain or elf. Yes, Pen-ii, elves were lost in Lothlorien and Eryn Lasgalen, indeed even in Imladris as you well know. But we would rather have died than surrendered ourselves to the black darkness that would have consumed us otherwise.”

A fierce pride burned bright in Elrond’s eyes as he spoke, and Penny saw it mirrored in the others’ faces also. She had not doubted it for one second, of course, and did not need to be told, but it helped, perhaps, to hear it.

She was just a witness, a bystander, and yet… and yet she found it all desperately distressing, for so many different reasons, not least of which was the shock of war and its destruction.

Not for the first time she wondered if coming to Gondor and seeing it firsthand was such a good idea.

“You are allowed to feel grief and shock, distress and anger at all that has passed, Pen-ii,” Gandalf said, interrupting her thoughts as if reading them for himself. “No matter that you did not bear sword or axe, bow or knife. There are many who did not, many who stayed at home watching and waiting for news, or else tending to the wounded and the fallen. The, too have felt the heavy burden of such times. Some among them had foresight, made decisions on what to say and what to keep to themselves. You are mortal and… young. What you have been through is not easy, would not be easy for anyone, let alone one so unused to war and warriors.”

Penny nodded and attempted a grateful smile. They could tell she was not wholly convinced, however.

“I am still intrigued by the level of your knowledge, Pen-ii,” Legolas said brightly, no doubt trying to lift the mood a little. “Lord Elrond has told us much, but from what I understood you knew of the Council in great detail. Could it be you knew of our journey in equal detail?”

Even as Penny nodded, Elrond chimed in. “I did not doubt it for a moment. I believe Pen-ii was only hampered by the language barrier. Even so what she told me was extensive, as you already know.”

“You may not have realised it, Elrond, but just now Lady Pen-ii here quoted my words back at me. They were words said privately to Razanur, I do believe.”

“Privately?” Legolas seemed amused. “Is nothing safe?”

“The story I know is written from the view of the kuduk in large respect, so it is conversations they overheard or were party to that we know of.”

“Given how talkative they are, most of it is no doubt already widely known”, Legolas pointed out, laughing.

“Well, certain things would not be, perhaps. Is it widely known in Gondor what occurred between Boromir and Maura?”

Looks were shared amongst the four males who then looked back at Pen-ii with a mixture of astonishment and shock.

“You know about that?” Aragorn could not keep the tone of surprise out of his voice.

“Of course.”

“I had wondered if you had known about that all along.” Elrond seemed almost peeved. “Why did you not tell me?”

“What purpose would it have served, other than making him seem dishonourable in your eyes?”

If Elrond had looked peeved before he looked positively annoyed at that.

“I think I would have been able to understand the reasons for his actions better than you, Pen-ii,” he said tersely.

Penny swallowed and looked suitably shamefaced.

“Well, I worried only because I feared my lack of Sindarin might not be able to correctly express what had happened. I also reasoned you would hear about it from others eventually and that, with the gift of hindsight, it would be better understood that while he did indeed break his word to protect Maura, he was under great pressure and showed his nobility in resisting as long as he did. He also immediately and bitterly regretted it and fought valiantly to protect Kali and Raz, giving his life in the process.” She paused momentarily. It seemed very strange to be talking about him while sitting in his city in a room that no doubt he himself had known, perhaps even used. “His attempt to take the Ring perhaps only looks as bad as it might to some given who he was travelling with. Had there been more ‘mere mortals’ in the Fellowship, it is far less likely he would have been the first to crack, though he was indeed spurred by his love of Gondor and his inability to really comprehend the Ring’s power and that it could not be used against Sauron. Had the Fellowship not broken but continued on towards Mordor with Maura, he would not have been the last to crack either.”

Penny immediately regretted saying that last statement and looked up to see Aragorn and Legolas both glaring at her.

“Quite so, Pen-ii,” Gandalf agreed, earning himself furious looks from Aragorn and Legolas in his turn. “I think, as hard as it may be for some to hear, you are quite right. I said as much to Maura long ago: that even I could not have wielded it, and the temptation to attempt to do so would have been great the more powerful the Ring became. As you said, Ban showed extraordinary strength in his actions within Mordor itself. The Ring was a dangerous thing even for those with stronger natures than Boromir’s. Perhaps if I had been there things might have-” He glanced at Penny’s stricken face. “But, no, everything was as it was meant to be.”

“It was what pushed Maura to leave and to leave as he did – without telling anyone, to try and leave alone,” Penny pointed out.

“Cause and effect,” Aragorn said, more to himself than anyone else.

Penny nodded, still looking very distressed. “That was the entire point, that was what I had to reason through on every point: the effect of every action that I would have wished to warn you about.”

There’s was a brief, uncomfortable silence.

“I feel I owe you an apology, Pen-ii,” Legolas said at last. “About Boromir…”

“Not at all. I… I can understand how it might have appeared.”

Penny felt herself flushing a little, which was utterly ridiculous and only because of having this topic of conversation in front of these four particular individuals.

“Poor Pen-ii,” Gandalf chuckled quietly. “You placed her in an impossible position, Legolas. She had no option but lie, and of course word spread.”

Penny winced. She was well aware rumour and gossip had travelled. After all, Lindir had mentioned her behaviour with Boromir when she had first explained her story to him in Lothlorien, and if Lindir knew then everyone knew – that was the way of things in Imladris, it was like a law of the universe.

Legolas and Elrond glanced towards the door. Aragorn looked at them.

“I think Raz is having difficulty keeping someone out. I can hear raised voices,” Elrond explained.

Aragorn sighed heavily and made to get out of his seat, but Gandalf beat him to it and went to the door to see what the problem was. The complete authority which he boomed ‘Yes, can I help you?’ at whichever unsuspecting person was accosting Pippin made Penny raise her eyebrows in astonishment and had the other three sniggering into their goblets. They could just hear the beginnings of a stammered response as Gandalf pulled the door shut behind him.

“I am not sure what else you may wish to discuss,” Aragorn was saying, “but perhaps all that needs to be said is that you should feel free to talk to any of us at any time about anything. I cannot really say fairer than that, can I? Mithrandir has explained it well enough. Yes, as warriors and leaders we have faced similar choices, perhaps heavier ones, especially in this War. Yet you must realise this only means we can understand, nor will we dismiss your worries as insignificant or worthless by comparing them to our own.” He held out his hand, and Penny took it. “You are our friend, Pen-ii. You are welcome amongst us, be it in Imladris or here in Gondor. If you are in pain we would heal you and help you to the best of our ability.”

There were murmurs of agreement from Elrond and Legolas.

The mood seemed changed, and with that last little speech Aragorn had not merely indicated the interview was at an end, but with the open invitation to talk any time, Penny felt little more needed to be said right now. It had been enough to talk through some of her difficulties with what had gone on, and also to be able to explain in some detail her reasoning, to prove (not that she needed to prove anything, perhaps) that she did understand the situation and had thought long and hard about what she was doing in deciding not to tell them anything.

She was grateful that no one had mentioned anything about whatever it was she had not yet told Elrond. She did not doubt for an instant he had told them all that she was still keeping something from them. She wondered for a moment when she could expect the pressure from Gandalf or Aragorn to talk. Perhaps she had done enough in this interview to show them that she… well, perhaps ‘knew what she was doing’ was going too far, but certainly that she did not take such decisions lightly, and the destruction of The Shire…

“Was there something else you wished to say, Pen-ii? You seem distracted.”

“What? Oh, no, Lord Elrond. It has been enough just to be able to talk openly and in some detail about it all. I thank you. Though…”

“Yes?”

“Well, I was wondering if a decision had been made about where I was to stay?”

Elrond and Aragorn looked at each other. Penny glanced between them.

“Ah, well…”

“You see, Pen-ii…”

Just at that point the door opened and Gandalf reappeared.

“Sent away with a flea in his ear,” Gandalf proclaimed. “I have to say Raz stood up to him valiantly. I am not sure he needed me, to be honest, but there you are. A messenger has arrived from Dol Amroth, Aragorn, that was all. I said they could wait in the throne room for you. I did find someone waiting around in the corridor for Lady Pen-ii, however.”

Penny looked up to see Halladan in the doorway nodding and smiling at everyone.