Trouble in the Shire

or

When hobbit-lasses clash

A satire in the setting of my AU happy hobbits tale Had Things Been Different

Not my hobbits, Tolkien’s. Just borrowing them.

This was a bit of funny stuff that came to me a couple of months ago. Though it’s just a little AU from my AU, I’m including it here because it introduces some new characters that will turn up from time to time in this longer tale.

Frodo was interrupted from the peaceful enjoyment of his morning tea by a knock at the door. Sam was off with Rosie to the Cottons.

Now much more than before he had begun to emulate Bilbo’s tendency to avoid answering the door when unexpected people called. Things had been so busy since his return to the Shire what with all the scouring and whatnot that he now longed mightily for some peace and quiet.

He sighed and remained at the kitchen table taking another swallow of honey flavored tea.

The knocking came again. The visitor was not going away it seemed.

So with resignation Frodo rose and went to open the door.

He did so and there stood Bluebell Sandybank. He hadn’t seen her since long before leaving on the Quest at... yes.. it had been a rather raucous night at the Green Dragon. As he recalled Bluebell had been very aggressive and he had had far too many cups of ale and whatever had transpired was something of a blur.

“Um.. Hello Bluebell, what brings you here?”

“You do, silly.” she said as she waltzed inside swishing her ruffled petticoats flirtatiously.

“Um... Really?” Actually Bluebell was not really his type of lass. He preferred quieter more thoughtful girls. In fact quite fond of Poppy Whitfoot who was assisting him at the Mayor’s office while her father Will recovered. A nice bookish lass, sedate and intelligent who knew how to carry on a good conversation about obscure subjects. He smiled wistfully at the thought of Poppy.

Bluebell thought he was smiling at her.

“I missed you while you were away, Fro...do.” Bluebell trilled quite near his ear.

It wasn’t that unpleasant it was just not what he was expecting at this time of morning and it was coming from the wrong girl.

He coughed slightly.

“Would you care for some tea?” he asked as he moved away from her backwards towards the kitchen.

“I’ve had mine already. It’s you I came to see.” And she tickled him under his chin.

“But.. umm...well.. I must be getting into town. I’m the mayor right now, you know.” He actually hadn’t planned on going in till the afternoon but since his quiet morning had been interrupted he felt he should make an escape to what would be the now relative peace of the office. And Poppy would be there.

Oh blast! He almost said out loud. No! He’d quite forgotten. Poppy was going to be stopping by soon ostensibly bringing some papers that needed signing.

“I think it’s wonderful that you are the Mayor, Fro...do.”

He rubbed his ear and backed further away.

“Bluebell would you mind not doing that?”

“Doing what?” She trilled into his ear yet again.

“That!”

“Whatever is wrong with you, Frodo? You never used to be so... shy.”

“Oh, no, I mean, yes, I was shy.”

“Not that night at the Green Dragon.”

What had he done? He wished he could recall.

“That was a long time ago.”

“Not THAT long.” Bluebell breathed as she nudged Frodo backwards into the easy chair that was right behind him.

Then much to his consternation she sat herself provocatively on his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck and nuzzled his neck.
It was then that Frodo noticed Poppy at the window. She was looking in at the proceedings with an inscrutable expression on her face. She adjusted her spectacles to see more clearly. She shook her head. She moved away from the window towards Bag End’s front door.

“Bluebell, please get off of me, if you wouldn’t mind.” Frodo begged.

Bluebell giggled and bit his ear-lobe.

“Ow!” he exclaimed, as Poppy opened the door and entered the parlor.

“Good heavens, Bluebell Sandybank, get off of Frodo, your’re not his type in the least.”

Frodo laughed with relief. Good old Poppy. She was absolutely perfect.

“Please DO get off of me and go home like a good girl, Bluebell.” Frodo encouraged Bluebell by struggling to his feet while pushing her away.

“Well, Frodo! I don’t know what you mean.” Bluebell exclaimed indignantly. Her vamp powers had never failed her before. There must be something seriously wrong with Frodo Baggins, she decided.

“You are not his type. Now go away.“ Poppy insisted.

“Well I never...” Bluebell muttered as she stumbled out the door.

Poppy was about to add another remark when she spotted onlookers gawking outside. And when she saw who they were she slammed the door shut.

“Oh no!” she cried.

“What is it Poppy, dear.” Frodo said as he hugged her and kissed her cheek.

“Didn’t you see who was watching AND listening to all this?”

“No, Bluebell was blocking my view.”

“Miss Oregano and a bunch of her ‘pupils’. That’s who.”

Frodo blinked uncomprehendingly.

“You don’t mean you don’t know?” Poppy exclaimed.

“Evidently not.”
“Darling, pour me some tea.” Poppy said sitting herself familiarly at the table and taking a piece of his toast and munching on it.

He obliged and after refilling his own cup sat down next to her.

“What IS going on?” he asked.

“Frodo, my dear, you really should get your nose out of your books more often and look about you.”

“I frequently take my nose out of my books and look about.”

“But what do you see?”

“Ummmn... not everything, I presume.”

“Obviously. Aren’t you aware of all the talk that’s been going on around the place since your return.”

“Talk about what?” he bit into another piece of toast and marmalade.

“You, you goose!”

“Really? What are they saying, and who exactly are saying what?”

“Kiss me!”

This wasn’t an answer but Frodo didn’t mind complying. So he did.

“All right, you can stop now.” Poppy said.

“Do you really want me too?”

“That’s not the point. She’s gone now.”

“Who’s gone?”

“Miss Oregano. She just stomped off with her little Oddlings trailing behind her.”

“Oddlings? Poppy, you are getting me very confused. What ARE you talking about?”

“Well, that’s what she calls them and herself. Oddlings.”

“Why?”
“Because they think of themselves that way. It’s their own name for it.”

“For what?”

“Let me start at the beginning.”

“I think you should.” Frodo was not understanding any of this but Poppy was adorable and he kissed the tip of her nose.

“Now listen, Frodo, because it’s you and Sam and your cousins everyone is talking about.”

“That’s not terribly unusual.”

“But it’s what they are saying and everything that’s been going on that matters. All right. Here it is. Miss Oregano primarily is saying you love Sam.”

“I do love Sam.”

“Or that you love Merry.”

“I do. And Pip, as well.”

“Frodo.......”

“What?”

“Surely you are smart enough to understand what I mean.”

He thought about it for several minutes and then the penny dropped.

“Oh! You mean.... LOVE them.”

“Yes dear.”

Frodo laughed at the notion.

“They think we are...Odd?” he chuckled.

“That’s what Miss Oregano and her lasses think.”

“Oooh. I see! That’s strange.. I mean Odd.”

“THEN we have what Bootsy Woodbine has been up to.”

“Bootsy an old dear. She was in love with Bilbo for years and now she looks after me when Sam isn’t around.”

“You knew that about Bootsy?”

“Everyone knows that about Bootsy. And she’s a wonderful cook. Don’t tell Sam but she’s better at it than he is. She’s always bringing me the nicest cakes and you know she’s making the cake for our engagement party.”

“She dotes on you.”

Frodo smiled. He loved to be doted on.

“Don’t look so complacent about it. She also gets into lots of scraps defending you.”

“Defending me. I don’t feel in any need of defending. What does she defend me from?”

“From gossip. And do you know why she is called Bootsy and not her proper name?”

“Well, her proper name is a mouthful , Heliotrope, and she also has lots of boots.”

“And what does Bootsy do with those boots.”

“Wears them? Some hobbits do wear them and Bootsy always has.”

“Not all of them. She keeps most of them for tossing at Miss Oregano.”

“Why?”

“Because of what Miss Oregano says about you and Sam and your cousins. It drives Bootsy quite near to madness.”

Frodo thought about this and smiled.

“Has this been happening a lot lately?”

“Every time Miss Oregano goes past Bootsy’s smial Bootsy comes out in a rage and tosses another boot at Miss Oregano’s rump.”

“It is rather hard to miss.”

“And Bootsy never misses.”

“She was quite the cricket player in her youth.”

“Frodo, you’re not taking this seriously enough.”

“It’s rather funny.”

“There’s more.”

“What?”

“You’ve attracted quite a following among the younger hobbit-lasses.’

“Well, that’s quite nice.” Frodo said, pleased.

“They sit around and make up tales about you in which they save you from
all sorts of danger.”

“Those little lasses?”

“And they work themselves up to such an extent that there have been mass swoonings.”

“What are they swooning over?”

“You! And now the lasses have heard what the Oddlings believe and there have been clashes between them both and many outbreaks of weeping jags amongst the lasses.”

“I’m...er...sorry to hear this. But what can I do about all this?”

“You are going to have to watch your Ps and Qs Mr. Baggins.” Poppy said and kissed him soundly.

“Was that a P or a Q.” he asked her awhile afterwards.

“It was a K. But you will have to watch what you say and do in front of various parties till all this frenzy settles down. “

“The various parties we have just discussed?”

“Well, in front of everyone for now. The gossip has spread all over Hobbiton and factions are developing taking sides over whomever they think is telling the truth.”

“But I still don’t really see what I can do.”

At that the door opened again and Sam came in.

“Hello! Not interrupting anything am I, Mr. Frodo? Miss Poppy?”

“No, Sam. But we do have a few things to tell you.” Frodo said and pouring Sam some tea directed Sam to sit and listen.

Some time later after Sam had blushed to the tips of his ears and nearly burst into tears, then into peals of laughter..... when it had all sunk into his head Sam declared...

“Somethin’ ought to be done.”

Frodo winked at him.

“Yes, something should be done.”

Poppy then realized the folly of telling male hobbits anything of this sort. Didn’t they realize the chaos they were capable of causing amongst the females of the Shire?

Frodo and Sam shook hands and nodded at each other.

“Poppy, my love. I’m off to see my cousins. I’ll be back tomorrow or the next day.”

“Oh Frodo, what are you up to?”

Frodo was normally very reserved and not prone to pranks unless something really roused his sense of the ridiculous. He winked at Poppy, kissed her again and left with Sam.

Poppy shook her head then covered her face with her palms. This was not going to be pretty.

The next week while Frodo’s cousins were visiting the four former traveling hobbits put on quite a show of hugging each other in the market and at the Green Dragon but they also pinched many a comely lass and planted kisses on all available cheeks including Miss Oregano’s, Bootsy’s, all the Oddling’s, Ted Sandyman’s, and Fredegar Bolger’s (he hadn’t been let in on the joke and was most puzzled by this behavior.) Ted took a swing at them, missed and fell in The Water in front of half the town’s-people. Pip and Merry danced together as often a possible and Frodo and Sam cuddled frequently.

This of course only caused an escalation of rumors flying from the Oddlings, boot throwing from Bootsy and mass swoonings amongst the lasses and one or two lads.

And Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin just sat back with wicked grins and watched the show. Whilst Poppy just threw her hands in the air and lamented the hopelessness of ever expecting males to behave themselves.