Remind me again—together we

Trace our strange journey, find

each other, come on laughing.

Some time we’ll cross where life

ends. We’ll both look back

as far as forever, that first day.

I’ll touch you—a new world then.

Stars will move a different way.

We’ll both end. We’ll both begin.

Remind me again.

--"Our Story" (from "Stories That Could Be True" by William Stafford")

Since childhood’s hour, I have dreamed of The Garden. Let me in, I oft implored of those in my surrounding ethereal other-world. Countless walls and fading light in the grass, nameless flowers and unknown trees. The garden where it begins, and ends. Now I stood in this garden, within the halls…the great halls, and all around the light shown on the tall reeds and glimmering water, all part of the ocean of white fire. It was woven of spirits...made of dreams.

I stood before Him. Mandos, and Illuvatar as well. They are one in the same. Varda stood ominously besides Him. My soul flashed with something electric. She stood there, veiled in secrecy and knowing. All her secrets are etched in Arda, yet none have found them. None have dared lift her veil.

She looked down upon me, and carefully, knowingly, removed it. Varda-Elbereth, the unveiled truth. I shivered. "Oh my heart that I have had when on Earth, do not stand up against me as a witness, do not make a case against me beside the Great One."*

I, with steady gait, approached his throne. Shaking, I fell before Them, and sang the lament the world was holding within its heart. I sang it aloud, and brought it into a form of manifestation.

This choice was given to me: I may return to the blessed realm, where all life begins. I may remain with them in the un-fading gardens, as an imperishable star within the womb of Elbereth…or, I could be reborn. I looked out to the bridge…the point of crossing over, and sighed. I had seen so much pain in the world…so much. If only a little, I knew I had to help, in any way. This I chose. I would be reborn.

She smiled on me. Bring your light to the world again. Though it may take years beyond count, and you will suffer many, many lives ‘ere you are finished, there is still hope. When your task is done, I will make you an un-fading star within me.

I graciously thanked Our Lady, yet implored one final thing of her. "Let me return to my previous life…if only for a moment…to heal the souls I have pained." The council of spirits stirred, yet She still beamed upon me.

To this she agreed. I would return, with Beren, to say farewell, to heal them, and then I would live on an island of the other-world, neither dead nor alive, awaiting my next life. Varda looked in me. I shall be with you, forever and always. Then, I faded from the great Halls and Gardens, and fell to Earth.

*

Winter held sway. It could not be melted, for it existed inside. I returned to Doriath. Returning to the halls, I felt a strange presence, and knew not what to make of it. My silent miseries and laughter, my energy, had seeped into the stone and wood. These objects, alive or no, were charged with my spirit. Weather well or ill, these halls haunted me, and in turn, I haunted these halls.

Eventually, my energy would replay itself. People would forever after see a phantom girl with raven hair go dancing out the paths to the woods, a ghostly form swaying to a flutes well tuned law. Never again would blossoms swell on the branches, or the moon beam round and full, without the presence of my spirit lingering. I would always be there, always already gone. I almost smiled at the legacy I was leaving behind.

The sun was dying as I returned. None saw me. Yet they felt me within their hearts. My father and mother sat in silence, Elwe too grief stricken to lift his eyes to heaven. Melain was drawn deep in thought. I placed my hands—now only beams of energy—in my fathers. He looked up, and smiled. I forgave him, and he felt it. My mother could see me…she being a Maia…and she had seen that I would return. "Go now, Tinuviel. Raise your dead spell. We shall never be parted." And so I went, and called to life the desolate halls.

Silently, I bade farewell to all within the halls, whispering my last words to them that could not be heard, save in the heart. Night soon fell, like Varda casting her dark veil over the world, protecting us. I came to Gwendolyn. Softly I entered; my feet made no din.  In the crook of her arm she held a small baby with a wisp of storm cloud hair. "Farewell, Gwen, dearer than sister. We shall meet again, perhaps, in another life. Yet nevermore in this one." Her breathing relaxed, and her troubled countenance ceased. I knew she had understood.

The winter passed. The land healed. I glanced once more at these people I knew, the souls I would leave. Some I would meet again, in a far dim time unseen. Beren took my hand, and I faded out of Doriath, and never returned. We passed to the dim isles between this world and the next. The land of the dead that live, and waited for the new beginning that came all too soon.

*Yes, "Book of Coming forth by Day from Night"

***

Man doth not yield himself to the angels,nor unto death utterly, save only through the weakness of his feeble will.--Joseph Glanville

The wheel of fate and life is neither good nor evil. It sentences fairly, yet it is no easier to accept. I slept in the blackness for years unnumbered, waiting for the wheel of heaven to turn, for stars to align, for my time to come. I was stranded alone, my soul tormented. My previous lives flash before me.

I am a fair innocent maiden who dances in the moonlight, who’s fate catches up to them one fateful night. I betray my father, loving a mortal. I stand tall and proud through the entire storm. I am a little child staring in awe at the stars, and my dark-haired mother explains that they and I are one in the same.

I am a child crying in my father’s library, begging to be brought home. A woman with silver hair holds me fast. "Mother, I have seen those sad stars before. What happened to the ones that fell?" She smiles knowingly. "They are born on Arda." I face Morgoth himself; my loved ones face him and his servant.

All fades, all fades. I am one mans daughter. I am another’s. I am Luthien, I am Arwen. I was. I will be. like the children who ask to be "taken home." Only my Great Mother knows me now. I am hidden behind her veil, but I am.