"By the waters of Babylon, we sat down and wept when we remembered thee, oh Jerusalem..."

                 -Psalm: 137

No light, it seemed, was left in the world. The sun had sickened and turned black, the moon withdrew behind a veil of clouds, and there was darkness over the land. The wind whistled by, poisoning my heart with its cruel whispers of death and venom. I could not see what was inevitably coming. But I could feel it within my heart. “The quest is not ended…” nay, they meant their fate was not yet met. I could not have stopped them, had even I tried. They left, and I stood by the gaits of Menegroth and bid them, my father, Huan, Beleg, Mablung, and Beren farewell…and to some, forever, though I knew it not.

 Dusk fell, a red funeral pall. Soon I met with the mourners, passing slowly, their measured footsteps falling. What had been done? They bore aloft a ghostly corpse light, a beacon for the dead that shuddered with every dying light. They lay their companion, now rigid with death, under Hirilorn, and left me to my weeping.

 I wanted to draw him back from whatever shadowy otherworld his spirit now wandered. I wanted to tell him…I wanted to tell him, yet my voice seemed broken.

 In this last moment, I made a vow I have never broken. My love swore unto me that he would wait at whatever dim end. He would wait for me on the other side. My doom was appointed. There, with the westering sun, he died. In a way, so did I.

 *

 I had observed the process since childhood in the Moon, and now I saw the same effect on my own belly. Slowly, it became apparent I carried an unborn child. No one mentioned it, though. Perhaps they thought it would break my heart.

 One night, I wandered heedlessly in the woods of Doriath. Gwendolyn, my sister-friend, walked alongside, sharing my pain as though we shared a soul. She was a spirit from Lorien, and not dim was her sight.

I could feel a chasm of emotion well within me. I fell to the ground. The stars all burned brightly above, bidding farewell to the little soul that had previously left their keep to dwell within me. So bright, so bright. I was reminded of the night Gwendolyn and I were initiated in the spirit ways.

 So bright was the moon, her light seemed like water spilling over us. Now in a similar light, Gwen knelt beside me, her dragon-flame hair shown like burnished copper in the luminous light. The feelings raced with my heart. I was blessed and cursed, mirthful beyond all reason, and yet felt utterly alone. I was about to bear his child…and yet, he was dead. I could not fathom why. I looked up to the stars and cried out.

The spirits, my elders all stood beside me, only visible with my other sight. Dark spirits, too, circled round. The pain cut through me like lightning. Too young! I was too young to give birth! I was still a maiden, robbed of my innocence and life's grace. Mortal, I was mortal now. I shared his blood! And it would kill me, one day.

The feeling of life and death nearly broke me. Gwen, with her craft-art and love, deliverd my child. I held within my arms my son.

The night grew still. “Blessed be” Gwen sang up to the sky. “Oh, Tinuviel,” she softly said, “you are very blessed,” I smiled. “Thanks be, Gwen.” I knew it was not so.

 When Dior, as I so chose to call him, was three months old, I knew the Time had come. The house of my spirit was breaking, and I knew my time was near.

  Gwendolyn and I took Dior back to the woods where he was born.  We traced a pentacle in the grass and blessed the child, presenting him to the spirits and elders. I then gently handed him to Gwendolyn. “There is something I must do,” I told her, “and I need you to watch after Dior, my moon-sister.” She smiled sadly. “Long have I seen it.”

 Before dawn broke the following day, I left, and Gwen and Dior bid me farewell. Her amber eyes filled with tears as we carefully embraced,  she now holding my baby.

She would look after him, and he would become Thingol’s heir. I kissed her brow and that of my small son. With my spirit eyes I saw a thread of visions...Gwen fleeing to a forrest far away with my baby...kneeling with him in prayer...voices calling, "Why does your son call you by your name?"..."He is not my son by birth...""...What happened to his mother?..." I see Gwen in the starlight. "She died." 

 And so, I silently left the halls of my father, and rode away to an end unseen as of late, though I had long felt in my heart. 'Ere any awoke, and found that I had left, I was gone.

***

Flower petals rained down as we rode into Minas Tirith. The adoring people, who were enamored of the dignity and loveliness they had heard of the “fair folk” whispered and gazed in awe as we passed. Some were even a bit frightened. "I've heard the Folk can read our thoughts, and see our souls..." yes, yes, but these people were true in mind and soul!

The white flowers caught in my dark hair. I smiled. Our long waiting was now ending. I remembered when I had first seen him, so long ago, and now I was to be his bride.

The azure sky misted to indigo, after intering the sun in the sky's everlasting pool of sweet shadow. The stars  all blossomed above. I closed my eyes. Truly, I am happy now.

My father placed my hand in the hand of the king, as though giving me away. Though I was never yours to begin with. I belong to no one. Gandalf's eyes gave no inkling to his deeper thoughts. I wanted to kiss his noble face, my dear old friend, as I stood before him in his white druid robes. "I will not say, 'who giveith this maiden away in marriage?', for each self is simply there own, and does not belong to another. Not in wedlock, not by birth." I smiled proudly and said, "I willingly give myself away. Not to be posessed, but to be bound in troth and spirit," though the later had already been done. My father said, "I, as her father, approve of this union." 

I could…for a moment…see it in his eyes. My father's world broke for a moment. It came flooding back to me, the night I confessed I loved Aragorn, and pleaded with him not to be angry. He simply tilted back my head and gazed into my eyes from where I knelt before him on the cold stone before the hearth.

 With heartbroken acceptance he simply said, “Before you were born, there were stars with a brighter pallor than now.” I could—for a moment—see the stars fields appear behind him, lights flickering in and out of sight. Those words were already burned deep within my soul.

Oh Father! How long you saw what was unavoidably coming, and how you wanted to help me! You had always waited for this day, even without knowing it. Indeed, from the first hour of our meeting in this life, you knew this one--this one--would never see the light. This one...this one would die.

But wisdom stayed you. You could not alter my fate. And so, you let go of me, as though giving me away. But never shall we be parted in spirit! It is only in the physical world that we are parted! In spirit I am yours and you are mine forever anon! Do not be sad! We may meet again in another life... though in this one, ah! Nevermore.

 I stood before the altar, and my hands were bound to my love's, my life to his, my fate to his. Bound to my love, and yet severed from you, you thought.

Think it not so! I am forever your maiden-daughter, though my life should span that of Arda. Forever your little Nightingale.

I remember the stars, and my wedding night. Before my kin and soul-family, and the people of whom I would soon be queen, I kissed my love. No longer did I hide or deny my love, nay! Yet my father was pained with bittersweet wisdom.

*

So soon…so soon it seemed I kissed my love again beneath the tree, in Rath Dinian. Death and decay encompassing me like the night. The life-air we breathed was filled with death...and then he breathed no more.

“Estel, Estel!” I cried out to the empty void around me. I was already sealed within my sepulcher. “Remember, Estel, remember your promise to me…”

 I left; shaking like autumn leaves in the wind, and was met by my  children in the still respite hour before day break. I bade them all farewell; they looked at me in shock. I returned their glances and simply murmured clearly, "The light has gone out of my life."

Eldarion, my son, would come to be a wise king. I kissed his brow and bade him farewell. My daughters were knowing and fair. It was cruel to look upon them. I seemed seldom older than they, and yet my soul was quaking terribly within my body-temple to fly. How miserably bitter! How sickly wrong in itself.

  All so young and new, yet each would fade in time. Time fades everything. Everything dies! In one way or another. Only The One is imperishable.

I fled from their site, down hallway and narrow path to the stables. There, one horse was kept that was mine, misty white like a spirit."Bear me away," I implored him," to death and ruin and whatever end."

I sprang upon his back, and rode out...past wall and garden still asleep...out of the city, never to return. My crimson red robes trailed behind me in the wind, like dusk fleeing to an unknown end. For a moment, I could see them--shadows, dim  remembered memories haunted by the heart--the people of Minas Tirith, releasing flowers into the wind. They dissapear before they touch me.

 Before the cock crew and the solemn news was told, that the king had died and the queen lost, I was already gone. I rode out of the city, and did not look back.