Stories of Arda Home Page
About Us News Resources Login Become a member Help Search
swiss replica watches replica watches uk Replica Rolex DateJust Watches

Smoke and Mirrors  by lovethosehobbits

Disclaimer: All characters and places depicted are the sole property of the JRR Tolkien Estate, my only claim to fame is this small piece of fiction. No copyright infringement is intended.

Medical Disclaimer: While extensive research has been done, none of the cures or procedures depicted in this story should be used without first consulting a medical professional. Also, there may be graphic medical details and wee hobbit behinds in this chapter, so if that makes you squeamish, you'd better pass.

A/N: I just wanted to say, you have all been so wonderful in your reviews and seem to genuinely enjoy the fic. I can't tell you how much this means to me. The story is on its last legs....couple more chapters and I will be putting it to bed, and wanted you to know how much fun and enjoyment I have had writing and hearing from you all.

There's a bit of slurring in parts, so just go limp and pretend you're drunk, it's easier to understand.

Chapter 30

"Frodo, you really should rest," said Aragorn softly.

"Wha hass usset him so, Striyer?" Frodo slurred.

"You fell asleep, Frodo, while I was giving you your massage," Merry volunteered. He looked quickly up at Aragorn, who nodded with a grim smile. "You had a nightmare," continued Merry. Frodo's eyes opened a little wider, he swallowed hard.

"Wha' happened? Did I say anything?" he asked tremulously, looking into Merry's eyes.

Merry was shocked at the pain he saw there. Frodo did not want anyone to see the agony he suffered each day, Merry realized. He felt a sudden rush of sadness and anger. "Why does it matter, cousin? Why do you struggle so to keep this horror to yourself? We are not children anymore, Frodo. You do not need to protect us, as you once did," he said firmly.

"Mer...you don'..unnerstann..."Frodo began. His eyes misted over in sudden grief.

"I would if you would but trust me, cousin. Do you doubt my love for you?" Merry asked fervently.

"No, 'coursse not. How could you thinn sussh a thinng?" Frodo said with obvious agitation.

"Because, my love, you are in pain. This means *I* am in pain, as is Aragorn, Gandalf, Pippin and especially Sam. Is that what you want? Do you want to hurt us, even more than we have all ready been hurt? You may feel that by suffering alone, keeping these nightmares to yourself, that you are protecting us, Frodo. But you are not. Each of us has suffered much, you may not know this because you are so caught up in your own little world of agony. Did you know that we see your pain and understand it better than you will ever know? That each of us has our own nightmares? Has it ever occurred to you that we might need someone to talk to about this, as you do?" Merry was breathing hard, and shaking with anger, trying to rouse his cousin into realizing that he was not alone and that a problem shared was a problem halved.

Frodo's face was a portrait of grief and anguish, feeling as if he had been slapped hard by Merry's words. His face was flushed, sweat ran down from his forehead as his breathes came in sobbing gasps. "My fault that you all suffered. I should never have let you come with me," he panted.

"Do you truly believe we would have allowed you to take that journey on your own? That any one of us felt compelled by anything accept love to come with you? If you believe otherwise then you truly don't know just how very much we love and respect you, and that would be like a dagger in my heart if that is the case." Merry took Frodo's weeping face in his hands and forced the hobbit to look into his eyes. "Frodo, each of us would have gladly *died* for you at anytime," he whispered into his cousin's face. Frodo shook his head back and forth in distress. His chest hitched as he sobbed uncontrollably.

"No...no...not you...had ...to...protect..you..didn't want you to come to harm....lose innocence...too young," he gasped.

Merry lovingly ran his hand down the side of Frodo's damp face. "But Frodo, like you, we were helpless to turn away. We fought valiantly, as you did, each doing our part in the war. We survived. Now we need to heal, love. It's time to heal," he said softly.

Frodo continued to weep, "I failed you. I claimed the ring. You could have all died because of me," he whispered.

"You did what no one else could, Frodo. You carried the ring and it was destroyed."

It was quiet in the room for some moments, save for the gasping sobs of the Ringbearer as he was immersed in the horror of memory. The guilt, the shame and the loss of the One.

Merry took the bottle of oil, warmed it in his hands, and very slowly began to administer a loving massage to Frodo's shaking shoulders. He watched Frodo's face, noting the pain and worry etched there, and sought to bring release merely with a loving touch. "Pippin used to have some really bad nightmares," he said softly. Frodo's blue eyes looked up to meet Merry's. "He would wake me every night thrashing and screaming, and I would go to him and hold him to me. One day, I asked him to tell me of them. What was haunting him so. Do you know what he said?" Frodo slowly shook his head. "He said, 'Why Mer', they are the same dreams that haunt you, I would imagine. But you will not speak of them to me because you think it will frighten me so. So I have not spoken of them with you. I did not want to burden you, when you are all ready burdened.'" Merry's eyes filled with tears. "I was moved by his selflessness and told him that I still wanted to know and in turn, I would tell him of my dreams." Merry smiled at the memory, his eyes taking on a faraway look and he spoke slowly and softly as he added more oil and gently worked it over Frodo's torso and arms. Frodo watched Merry's face in rapt attention, like a child needing to know how the story had ended and that everyone had lived happily ever after. "He told me everything, how helpless and small he had felt, how frightened and lonely. He told me of his battle on the field of Pelennor and of his love for the Steward, Denethor. He had some ....vivid nightmares about the Palantir and the eye of Sauron conversing with him through it. I think that was his worst nightmare. He would wake up screaming about the eye and saying, 'No, no I don't know...' . Then he told me how desperate he had felt when we were parted, each to play their own role in this great war, but how much stronger he had become by the end of all the fighting. He grew up, Frodo. Yes, he lost his innocence to a degree, but he's still our Pip and he's stronger now. He will be the best Thain the Shire will ever know because of what he has seen and done. He became very close to Faramir and even Gandalf. He, nor I, would not have done anything differently with the possible exception of carrying the Ring for you, Frodo." Frodo looked up at Merry with love. "You should not have had to carry this burden alone, Frodo," he said.

"I was not alone, I had Sam." whispered Frodo.

"Yes, and I couldn't think of a better companion for you on that dark journey, my love." said Merry. "But Frodo, you were *still* alone. The Ring was all that filled your thoughts, your dreams, your desires," Merry said this quietly. Frodo gasped at the thought that Merry had seen this, he really *knew* what Frodo had experienced. Merry gave him a sly smile.

"Pip still has nightmares, but they come less and less now and they hold little power over him, as they did before. We talk of them each time and this has made him sturdy, and the dreams insubstantial....just by talking about them," Merry whispered. Aragorn shifted uncomfortably. He had not known of Pippin's dreams and felt ashamed that he had not asked or considered it. He leaned against the wall, hidden slightly by the shadows of early evening that were now filling the room. Blending into the scenery just as he used to when he was Strider, the Ranger. He did not want to interrupt this meeting between two kindred souls by reminding them of his presence. His eyes were damp, remembering the sheer unbound exuberance and joy of Pippin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck when he had first encountered them in Bree. The Shire, so sheltered, so peaceful, had lost some of that same precociousness and innocence and he felt a sudden pang of loss and regret.

Frodo was gradually becoming more relaxed under Merry's ministrations. But still, a certain tenseness could be seen in his face and frame, as he listened to his cousin's story.

"And what of you, Mer?" Frodo asked quietly. Merry smiled grimly down at his cousin.

"I shared some of the least frightening dreams with Pip, but could not tell him of the truly terrifying nightmares," He smiled weakly, "I think I wanted to help Pip retain as much of the innocence that goes with just being Pip, by protecting him as much as I still could. I have always protected him, just as you have always protected both of us, Frodo. So I could not completely unburden myself to him. I believe he knows this, but has not pushed the issue, knowing that some battles still must be fought alone." Merry grimaced and tears slid silently down his face. Frodo watched this and realized that he knew Merry would understand and not judge his decisions, right or wrong, but look on them with a pure heart as he always had. Could it be possible that he and Merry together, might find some degree of healing? The idea filled Frodo with a mixture of hope and fear. Fear that he would be unable to tell Merry of his ordeals.

"Merry..."Frodo said, barely above a whisper.

"Yes, my love?"

"I would like to hear your stories....your nightmares. Would you talk to me?" he asked shyly.

"Yes, cousin. I think you, perhaps, would understand better than anyone the things I dream of," and Merry looked into Frodo's anxious blue eyes," but it is to be a mutual sharing, Frodo. If you will not share your deepest fears, your guilt's, your demons with your Mer' then I will not tell you of my own demons. And I will warn you now that should my dreams continue unchecked, that I will eventually cease to be Merry Brandybuck. That these nightmares will rule me not only in my sleep, but my days as well, and I will, eventually, be unable to cope with my life. I will slowly go insane, Frodo. This I know. I fear the same fate for you, cousin. If the darkest, most horrific of your memories are not spoken of, slowly your soul will be consumed and you will cease to be that person that we love so very much. You will cease to be Frodo Baggins of the Shire. It will be a difficult and long process, but I am willing if you are," He held his breath, worried he had gone too far, and hoping that Frodo would see the truth in his words.

Frodo looked very frightened, "I don't know if I can, Merry. I keep things tied up inside...I have since I was very small..."

Merry smiled, "Yes, Frodo you have always been the worrier, the thinker and the strong one. Try not to over analyze so much. If you feel comfortable with me listening you should be able to tell me small things at first. The we will work our way up to the larger things."

"Will you go first, Mer?' Frodo asked in a small voice, looking very nervous.

"Yes, my love. One step at a time, we will conquer these evils. And Frodo?" Frodo looked up at him.

"Yes, Mer'?"

"If we do not do this you realize that Sauron and the Ring will have won the final battle after all."

Frodo looked distressed. "The Ring...the Ring...it has already taken so much of who I was. I wanted to die when I was separated from it, when Gollum took it. I almost did." He had turned his face away, staring far off in the distance of memory. "I almost jumped. I didn't believe I could live without it, so entwined was it about my soul."

Merry swallowed hard, his voice quavered slightly as he spoke, "But you didn't jump, Frodo. You survived, my dear. It may have taken a small part of you, but the rest is in here," he placed his warm hand on Frodo's chest and Frodo looked up at him, "and in here." Merry touched his own heart. "It is not the end, it is a new beginning. We will nourish and feed and love the soul of my dear cousin until it is whole once more," Merry smiled, and this time, to Merry's delight, Frodo smiled wanly in return.

Aragorn quietly stepped to the bedside of his good friend. He put one hand on Frodo's chest and then felt his pulse. His breathing and pulse were still too fast but were slowing. "It has been a hard day for you both, and I would have you sleep a dreamless sleep. He found the Valerian paste on the sideboard, "Frodo I want you to place this under your tongue. It will give you the rest you need. When you awaken, Sam will bring you a meal and then Merry and you can begin your lessons," said Aragorn quietly.

"Lessons, Strider? What lessons?" asked Frodo drowsily.

"Lessons in recovery, my dear hobbit. I expect you both to be scholars by weeks end, with any luck," Aragorn smiled. He first gave Frodo a large draught of chamomile tea, then placed the paste under his tongue. Almost immediately, the blue eyes began slipping slowly closed. "Don't fight it, Frodo," he said as he gently caressed the pale face, "be at peace," he whispered. Merry watched as Frodo slowly succumb to exhaustion. Aragorn then turned to him. "Now, Merry, you will rest also."

"No, Strider, I am fine, really," objected Merry. Strider smiled ruefully, and handed him a cup of chamomile tea. "At least drink this, my friend," he said quietly. He watched as Merry gratefully accepted the tea.

"You have done much today," he lay Merry down next to Frodo's prone form, "You should at least nap for a bit..." he continued. Merry began to feel groggy as the ranger spoke in a low, monotone. The room about him, began to blur. His eyes began to close of their own accord. He tried to stay awake, but found his limbs would not respond to his commands.

"You tricked me, Strider.....Strider?" he whispered groggily.

"Be calm, Merry. It is for your own good, and for Frodo's good. You will need all of your strength and resources these next days," he murmured as he gently stroked the curls off of Merry's forehead. The last thing either hobbit heard before drifting into sweet oblivion was a murmured "blessed Eru protect you, be at peace."


TBC





<< Back

Next >>

Leave Review
Home     Search     Chapter List