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Disclaimer: This story is non-profit and sole product of the author’s own insanity. All recognized characters and places are property of J.R.R. Tolkien and New Line Cinema. The author does not condone the hunting, trapping, or killing of Elves in any manner.
The author, along with the Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth, wishes to acknowledge the following supporters:
technetium, CocoBeans, Ada Kensington, Lady-Daine, secrettalent, shauna, Contia Mirian, trinity, Chelle-sama, kim, Insane Muse, Lyrique, robinyj, Bainpeth, ccg, Jocelyn, helga, Crys Ritter, Anrion, Ithilien, Gryf Gal, Sylvia, The Plutonium Cow, Starfleet Hobbit, Hoodoo, Mercredi, Mari, BuMiSt, Hildestohl, Yayoi, The Evil Old Woman, Celenathil the Elf, Thundera Tiger, Mitheithel, Aryn, TercanoNuruva, Felagund, Wild Iris, Eve of Mirkwood, Rhikat, JastaElf, PuterPatty, Sandy, and Nancing Elf.
Thank you all for the tremendous reviews and suggestions. Without your overwhelming support, continued research would not have been possible.
* * *
~ NOTES FROM THE FIELD ~
Suggested Pre-reading: ‘Observation and Dissection of the Common Wood-Elf (Telerius galadh)’
The Common Wood-Elf (Telerius galadh, Sub-genus Sindarwina or Sylvana) has inhabited the northern forests of Mirkwood for countless years. Previous research, including the highly disputed Elven dissection, has raised further questions regarding this ancient species. In effort to better understand the Common Wood-Elf, and by methods more humane than previous tactics, the Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth sought to observe the Telerius galadh of Mirkwood in an extensive field observation study.
The study, which spanned the length of one full year, followed the Wood-Elves of Mirkwood as they interacted with each other, the surrounding land, and in some cases, the researches themselves.
The purpose of this experiment was to observe the Common Wood-Elf (Telerius galadh) in his natural habitat over a one-year period, in the hopes of better understanding the life and trials this endangered species must face.
Included in this report are:
1. Contact Observation and Hierarchical Status
2. Mating and Courtship
3. Natural Enemies (i.e. Spiders, Dwarves, etc.) and Prey
4. Poaching of the Common Wood-Elf
A blind consisting of wooden planks and Mossy Oak camouflage netting was constructed within beech trees located approximately 20 meters southeast of the Common Wood-Elves’ main shelter (see: King Thranduil, Halls of). As winds over Mirkwood tend to blow primarily from the northwest, it was believed a southeasterly position would avoid carrying the researchers’ scent to the T. galadh.
Taking into consideration T. galadh’s most active hours are dusk and dawn, construction of the blind was done during late noon and midnight hours.
Observations were recorded in notebooks or sketched on pads of drawing paper.
CONTACT AND TRUST
On the fifth day of observation, a group of seven Wood-Elves was spotted within the surrounding beech trees. They appeared to have engaged in a type of defensive observation: encircling the researchers’ blind and sitting quietly within the tree branches. This suggests the creatures are indeed capable of planning and carrying out simple maneuvers.
The Elves were timed to remain unmoving for as long as 4 hours. Their stares were noted to be particularly unnerving. Researchers have yet to conclude why this is so.
The T. galadh carried on them various spears and bows. Researchers made pretense of ignoring the Elves, and continued recording the daily activities outside the Wood-Elven hall. It is believed the T. galadh were aware of human presence from the very beginning, though how this came about is not certain. Superior senses and the organism’s relationship with trees are attributed as major factors.
The seventh day of observation led to subsequent breakthroughs in furthering the knowledge of the Common Wood-Elf. In light of such discoveries, the actual text was reprinted as follows:
“At approximately 0800 hours, the Elves made initial contact. They cautiously approached the outer branches of camp, bearing a strange number of items. The tallest of them, a blonde-haired male with blue eyes, held forth a perfectly cut green gem within his hand and smiled at us. (We believe him to be the dominant male of the group, and affectionately refer to him as ‘Phoebus.’)
Unsure of the T. galadh’s intentions, we simply smiled back.
Phoebus’ turned and beckoned to his companions. They warily drew forth, until all were situated on the protruding branches of our camp’s beech tree. Initially, we worried their weight would upset the blind or break the tree limbs, but oddly enough the tree seemed to readily support them.
Furthering our surprise was the fact that one of the T. galadh appeared to be female. Never before has a female of the species been observed, and indeed, were previously thought not to exist. We now have cause to believe our previous assumptions of asexual reproduction incorrect.
‘Phoebus’ then held forth some sort of flatbread. He bit off a piece and made pretense to eat it, as though demonstrating its nutritional value. We watched him intently, sketching and writing of his actions.
He then proceeded to toss a piece of the bread at us and beckoned us forth in a friendly manner. J.W. reached out of the blind and picked up the bread sample for further analysis, eliciting various coos and exclamations of delight from the surrounding Elves. Several more crumbs were tossed our way. It almost appeared as though the T. galadh were attempting to coax us from the blind, though perhaps this is only human interpretation on our part.”
Here also follow the written recordings of Day Ten:
“The curiosity of these organisms is truly amazing. Today our seven watchers, still led by ‘Phoebus,’ proceeded to enter the blind. Not wanting to scare them away, we sat unmoving and quiet as they rummaged through our supplies.
They seemed most fascinated by zippers. We spent several hours in silent observation as they zipped and unzipped sleeping bags, backpacks, and parkas. Laughing and tittering amongst themselves, they would repeatedly move the zippers back and forth. The T. galadh eventually began to imitate the noise: re-zipping a backpack or sleeping bag, laughing, then tilting a head towards his companions and emitting a loud, “Ziiip!” The Elf’s companions would laugh or make some manner of reply, and then all would begin repeating the sound: “Ziiiip! Ziiiip! Ziiiip!”
Band-aides also captured the T. galadh’s undivided attention. They delighted in peeling off the backs and sticking the band-aides everywhere: clothes, face, hands, weapons, each other. It pains me to think of what the noble creatures will go through upon removing them.
‘Phoebus’ attempted to make off with A.B.’s backpack in exchange for 3 green-fletched arrows. Not wanting to break the fragile bond we have only just begun to form, we allowed him to do so.”
Researchers also noted that by this time, the Common Wood-Elves had taken to walking on the ground when approaching the blind, as opposed to approaching via tree. This is believed to be testament to the Elf’s level of comfort. When feeling threatened, the T. galadh instinctively takes to the trees.
The dominant male of the Mirkwood Telerius galadh is documented to be a golden-haired male referred to as ‘Thranduil.’ However, with the newly discovered addition of female Telerius galadh, researchers must question the social structure of the Common Wood-Elf.
Typically, there are three versions of social structures seen in nature:
1. Dominant Male with Head Female: Perhaps best illustrated by wild horses (Mammalia). The herds consist of the dominant stallion and several mares, though the lead mare decides the herd’s actions.
2. Gender separation: Males and females only commune during mating season. Typical of deer or cheetahs (Mammalia). In some cases, such as the bear, males will actually slay cubs.
3. Life-mates: A pair remains mated for life and live in large communities of the same species. Older members (if not weakened by age) form the top of the social hierarchy. Typically found in birds (Aves) such as swans or penguins.
Though the first social structure has been observed in the Common Wood-Elves of Lothlórien (Telerius galadhrima), there is no further evidence to support this form of hierarchy among the Elder in general.
Similarly, there is no evidence of Gender Separation. The Elves have shown no preference of slaying their young ones. Though it may be argued that the Kinslaying of the Royal Noldor species is grounds for such possibilities, it must here be noted that all Teleri species are exempt from this act. This, coupled with the fact that male Elves have been known to raise young ones in the absence of females, leads the author to suggest the Kinslaying was a deviation from the norm.
While the third social structure does best explain the situation of the Common Wood-Elf, its premise that older members lead the community does not accurately portray T. galadh hierarchy. Therefore, it is proposed that social theories one and three be combined to form a fourth, simply: the Dominant Male/Life-mate theory.
4. Dominant Male/Life-mate: The community is headed by one dominant male, who oversees all species action. Various lesser males and females live below and serve the dominant male.
The hierarchy is patterned as followed: Dominant, or ‘King’ male, lesser Head Female (notably absent in the case of the Telerius galadh), intelligent males lacking in physical prowess (see also: “advisors” or “counselors”), males of the fighting nature (see: “warriors” and “guards”), female herd members of the Head Female (see: “Maidens”), female mates of both intelligent and fighting males, male and female healers, male and female gatherers (see also: “cooks”), and male and females of the servitude nature.
Males and females mate for life; both parents rear the young.
* * *
~ NOTES II: Of Mating, Courtship, and the Mary Sue Effect ~
It was previously believed that the Common Wood-Elf reproduced via asexual means (see: budding, fission, and simultaneous hermaphrodite). However, the recent discovery of female T. galadh proves this theory irrelevant. It is now known that the Common Wood-Elf does engage in sexual reproduction, as do their Noldor, Lesser Dark Noldor, and Half-Elven counterparts.
The T. galadh have shown no distinct mating seasons, though most appear to prefer the early months of spring.
The courtship of the Telerius galadh is a complex process composed of various intricate behaviors. All observed displays appeared to contain 5 basic steps. It must here be noted that time and length of courtship showed high correlation to the following variables: age, weather, and amount of wine consumed.
Step 1: Mating Calls: Groups of male T. galadh will sit within the branches of beech trees and sing in order to attract a potential mate. Typically, the males with the greatest vocal range are successful. Male Wood-Elves with predominantly high or unnaturally low songs tend to have an adverse effect, driving potential mates away rather than attracting them.
Step 2: Display of Masculinity: Once a female or group of females has been attracted, the males engage in various displays of physical prowess. Several observations of these feats were recorded as follows:
[A] Which male can balance upon the flimsiest tree branch without falling.
[B] Marksmanship. Which male can shoot an arrow the closest to his companion without drawing blood.
[C] Which male can get closest to the poisonous spider (Arachnida), sans weapons. *Note: one T. galadh was actually observed to ride a spider.
[D] Which male can balance atop a wine barrel while rolling across the Forest River.
Step 3: Sensitivity: Following the testament of masculinity, male Wood-Elves then proceeded to demonstrate various forms of caring and understanding. Most common was the competition of which male could charm the most birds out of the trees.
*Note: Several were observed to enrapture fawns, rabbits, and other “fuzzy baby animals,” as quoted from the notes of J. Z. . One male T. galadh successfully procured a pony and kitten. All researchers agreed this must have been pre-planned, as neither organism is native to the forests of Mirkwood.
Male T. galadh would also present gifts to the females: flowers, or items of a sparkly nature. The introduction of Band-aides became immensely popular as well. Reprinted below is the actual text from the notes of B.W:
“We were forced to hide the Band-aides, as the Telerius galadh kept taking them. Males are the primary offenders; I think they’re using them to impress the females. Yesterday we saw one of our seven guardians, a tall dark-haired Elf of obvious silvan descent (we’ve actually nicknamed him ‘Band-aide’), walking hand-in-hand with his mate: both covered in Band-aides from head to toe. We’ve begun to wonder if the Elves’ lack of body hair makes Band-aide removal a painless process.
Earlier this morning, another one of our guardians, whom we call “Zippy” (also of silvan descent), stole B. P.’s sleeping bag. The Elf left him one Band-aide in return. B. P. was livid. I don’t blame him; I don’t think it was a fair trade either.”
Step 4: The Chase: Female T. galadh generally respond to the males’ various displays by giggling, blinking profusely (see: “batting eyelashes”), and tilting the head to the side with a coy smile planted on the face. When the male has completed his last show of sensitivity, the female will approach cautiously. As the male reaches out towards her, she will promptly turn and flee into the forest. A full-fledged chase ensues.
Step 5: Capture and the Victory Strut: The female Telerius galadh will eventually allow the male to catch her (or, adversely, if she decides against the pairing, she will continue running into the forest). Capture is generally followed by a cry of triumph from the male, and a responding giggle from the female.
The male then engages in what researchers have termed “The Victory Strut.” Shoulders are squared, chest stuck out, and chin lifted. The male encircles the female in a dominant manner. The female ducks the head in a gesture of submission, occasionally glancing up and smiling or blinking to encourage the male.
The new pair then retreats further into the forest, or returns to the Wood-Elves’ main territory (see: King Thranduil, Halls of).
As previously mentioned, the amount of wine consumption has profound effect on courtship. Again, we refer to the notes of B.W.:
“Eight males were seriously injured this morning when attempting to walk on tree branches even a sparrow couldn’t sit on. It didn’t help matters that they were profoundly drunk. The poor fellows; they were pretty high up in the tree, too.
Three more were injured during the display of marksmanship when shot by their own companions. We’ve been cowering in the blind all day, terrified of being hit by a wayward arrow. Whoever said the Wood-Elves are perilous and deadly when in battle obviously never faced a drunken contingent of Mirkwood archers. It’s a marvel they haven’t all killed each other. Or us.
We thought for sure Phoebus was done for when he attempted to battle a spider with his fists. Thankfully, he was detained by a few of his more sober comrades.
Curious as to the potency of the Elves’ wine. B.P. suggested we trade some Band-aides for a few barrels of the stuff. I think he’s still bitter about the sleeping bag.”
THE MARY SUE EFFECT
Perhaps one of the greatest mysteries of our age is the Telerius galadh’s vulnerability to the Mary Sue (Homo perfectevilius).
Though the animal is prevalent throughout Middle-earth, these organisms seem most concentrated in the areas of Mirkwood. They are currently placed into four separate taxonomies: The Tattered Mary Sue, The Beaten Mary Sue, The Unconscious Mary Sue, and The Orphaned Mary Sue. Rumors of fifth species, The Amnesiac Mary Sue, have yet to be confirmed or denied.
Many researchers, however, feel that the separation is unnecessary. There are several recorded cases of Tattered Beaten Unconscious Mary Sues, whom, upon awakening, discover they are Orphaned as well. This suggests the groups may in fact be one species.
Another possibility may be that the groups have begun crossbreeding with one another, thus producing an entirely new species. Again, the validity of this cannot be determined as of yet. If this new Mary Sue (which we will refer to as ‘The Aggregated Mary Sue’) proves to be sterile, then this theory may be pronounced false.*
The origins of the Mary Sue present yet another confounding mystery to researchers. The creatures do, in fact, simply appear out of thin air. Occasionally a loud bang or bright flash of light will accompany its entrance (to which some have coined, ‘The Big Bang Theory’). Survival rate is based upon:
1. The height from which the Mary Sue falls to earth.
2. Whether the organism is first found by Elves or Dark Creatures of Mirkwood.
Upon studying the various Telerius galadh and Mary Sue interactions, researchers were able to draw the following conclusions:
[A] Elves are drawn to the Mary Sue out of curiosity.
[B] The T. galadh holds beauty in high regard, and the Mary Sue are exquisite. Hence, it is only natural that the Elves be attracted to them. (Note: This observation submitted by male members of the research project.)
[C] The Mary Sue give off pheromones which attract every male within a 30 meter radius, and are strategically clothed and/or wounded to ensure the most suggestive parts of flesh will be exposed. Pig-headed men can have the stupid little sl… (Note: Last word scribbled over and unreadable. This observation submitted by female members of the research project.)
Packs of mature female Telerius galadh were observed to be extremely territorial and confrontational with all Mary Sue species. Common behaviors included pushing the Mary Sue off cliffs; slaying the Mary Sue via bow and arrow, spear, knife, or any number of weaponry; feeding the Mary Sue to spiders; or drowning the Mary Sue.
No Mary Sue were ever recorded as remaining within the Wood-Elf territory (see: King Thranduil, Halls of). It is believed they were either poisoned by female T. galadh, or possess an extremely short lifespan—perhaps similar to that of the fruit fly (Drosophila sp.).
*The Aggregated Mary Sue: Species or Not? One requirement of a species is the ability to reproduce. If the Aggregated Mary Sue is sterile and cannot reproduce, then it does not meet species qualifications. (Similar instances are found in the mating of lions and tigers, or horses and donkeys. Both produce offspring incapable of reproduction.)
THE LECTURE HALL:
Yayoi- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth extends its deepest sympathies towards your battles with calculus. Rest assured this research project was done with the utmost severity and respect to science. ;) The Department thanks you for your support and wishes you happy reading.
Ithilien- The SRDM thanks you for your continued support, as well as for the impressive grant towards the research project. It was an invaluable donation to the cause. Thank you, and may it bring a smile to your face knowing you are helping in the fight to save this majestic, endangered species.
Sylvia- Thank you for supporting the Mirkwood Research Project. It is the firm belief of the Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth not to intervene with any mishaps that may befall the Telerius galadh, though at first this may be deemed cruel. However, nature must be allowed to run its course.
gapofrohan- Please accept this complimentary “I Survived the Battle of the Five Armies” T-shirt, courtesy of the SRDM. The SRDM thanks you for your contribution to the Mirkwood research project, and hopes you will continue to follow its progress.
Hellga- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth wishes to acknowledge a fellow scientist, and invite you to tour our facilities at your leisure. (Please, though, do not steal the developing Legolas clones.) Thank you for showing an interest in the Mirkwood Research Project.
Noldor Lass- A sincere Thank You from the SRDM. We hope you continue to support the Mirkwood Research project. Please accept this “Proud to Be a High Elf” book bag, courtesy of the SRDM.
The Dishwasher- Impressed by your knowledge of male lions and cub-slaying, the SRDM awards you 5 points extra credit and this shiny gold star sticker. Please accept our gratitude for supporting the Mirkwood Research Project as well.
Insane Muse- The SRDM must thank you for your continued support and motivating comments. Without it, the plight of the Wood-Elves would undoubtedly be a lost cause.
Aurumlupi- On behalf of the SRDM, thank you for supporting the Mirkwood Research Project. We hope you find the following Notes as entertaining as the first.
Mari- Unfortunately, the previous lack of story was due solely to the author’s own lack of computer genius. The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth apologizes for her computer non-wiles, and wishes to thank you for choosing to follow the Mirkwood Research Project.
Cotume27- Thank you for your support! The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth assures you it will pass your notice to update ‘Out of the Frying Pan’ along to the author.
Hildestohl- ‘Phoebus’ is the Latin form of Apollo, or, the “Sun God.” ;) In exchange for your review, please accept these 3 green fletched arrows. The SRDM thanks you for your support.
technetium- According to our records at SRDM, the primary author ‘bryn’ is in fact a biology major with a concentration in marine biology. A further investigation has been launched as to how this pertains to any expertise on Elves whatsoever. Thank you for supporting the Wood-Elf cause.
Jocelyn- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth would at this time like to state it is has set strict rules not to interfere with whatever may happen to the Wood-Elves. Nature must be allowed to run its course. The author Bryn has requested the possibility of a play-date between clone Legolas, mini-Balrog Legalous and her own mini-Balrogs Pippen and Rivendale. Researchers’ initials are, in fact, the true initials of peoples known to the SRDM. The SRDM offers its profound thanks for your work to ensure further grants to the Mirkwood Research Project. Thank you, and rest assured that no T. galadh, at any time, were exposed to modern weaponry.
Aralanthiriel- The observations of researchers were based on in-the-field studies alone. At this time it is not sure whether they directly coincide with the History of Middle-earth. The Scientific Research Department wishes to thank you for choosing to support and follow the Mirkwood Research project. We hope you find it an enjoyable learning experience.
* * *
Plotbunnies cited: Fosse/Goodall-esque method of research: Ithilien
Use of song as mating call: Thundera Tiger
~Notes III: Natural Enemies and Prey~
The forest of Mirkwood is notorious for its variety of dangerous species. To date, there are approximately 3 known species of spiders, 2 species of orcs, 2 species of wolves, 1 species of predatory bat, and 1 species of Dwarf. Remnants of a dragon (Serpentia derkesthai) may still be spotted beneath the Long Lake, though no other Serpentia have been reported in the area.
Of the three spider species (Lycosa tarentula, Latrodectus vulgaris, and Lactrodectus mocktans), only two pose great threat to the T. galadh. Lycosa tarentula is relatively small in size, and bites cause only minor skin irritations. Conversely, Latrodectus vulgaris and Lactrodectus mocktans may prove deadly. Each species may grow to the approximate size of an elephant, and the opaque, rope-like webbing produced is strong and highly adhesive. L. mocktans may be identified by its prominent chelicerae (pincers), L. vulgaris by its ability to speak. The T. galadh were observed to slay any spider upon immediate discovery; no arachnids were present in the Wood-Elven Halls and surrounding grounds.
Gobelin elderus, or orcs, generally inhabit the darker, rocky mountainous areas surrounding the T. galadh habitat. As no Uruk-hai (Gobelin sapien) have been observed since the War of the Ring, the species is believed to be extinct. Their lesser-evolved counterparts, however, continue to thrive. Aside from spiders, Gobelin (sp.) are one of the greatest predators of T. galadh. The T. galadh were observed to react to Gobelin elderus presence as they would a spider—the orc was slain upon immediate discovery.
Canis fatalis, or Wargs, are also thought to be extinct. Their lesser-evolved counterparts, the wild wolves (Canis lupus), will rarely attack Elves. Although vicious when provoked, the wild wolf was noted to avoid confrontation and shy away from T. galadh settlements.
The vampire bat, Chiroptera vampyrus, inhabits the darker, closely-knit tree canopies of Mirkwood. C. vampyrus is also found in caves (preferring wide, deep caverns) and beneath rocky overhangs. Bites induce harmful toxins which may prove fatal. Other side effects of the bite have yet to be discerned.
*Note: Unfortunately, researchers were not in possession of antidote to vampire bat bites. The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth sends its deepest condolences to the family of ‘Notes From the Field’ scientist J.Z.
As researchers did not enter Mirkwood to study its predators, and remained within the confines of the Telerius galadh territorial range, there were no further efforts to enhance knowledge of Mirkwood’s predatory species. Hence, organisms possessing glowing eyes (red, green, or yellow in color) or bulbous eyes were generally avoided.
DWARVES—PREDATOR OR PREY?
The topic of whether or not Dwarves (Khazad sp.) and Elves (Telerius sp. and Noldorius sp.) are in fact natural enemies has been hotly contested over the years. The researchers of Notes From the Field maintain a neutral stance on the issue, and merely wish to offer straightforward and unbiased observation on the two species. It must here be noted that researchers themselves are split on the matter. Similarly, half believe the chicken came first, whereas half believe it was, in actuality, the egg.
Historically, Elves and Dwarves (Khazad sp.) have shown unfavorable reaction towards each other (See: The Silmarillion by Tolkien, J.R.R). The two species rarely come into contact with one another, and generally avoid doing so. Though Dwarves generally inhabit the lower levels of the earth—mainly caves—and should therefore not interfere with the above-ground Elven habitats, the two species nonetheless appear to engage in some form of resource competition. Surprisingly enough, competition usually stems over that which is not vital to the existence of either (See: Shiny Things, jewels, treasure, mithril, or Silmarils).
Dwarves were said to be creation of the Vala Aulë (also see: Mahal). Though in single numbers they do not pose any great threat to Elves, groups or bands of Dwarves may be potentially deadly. Dwarves may be broken down into two separate species: Khazad cavernous and Khazad hillius, the latter inhabiting rolling mountainous areas, and the former inhabiting only caves. A classic case of genetic drift, it is believed both species originated from a single Dwarven species: Khazad mahalis, which gradually evolved to the K. cavernous and K. hillius species we know today.
THE DWARVEN THREAT (or: A Brief Anatomy of Khazad)
Khazad is a small, compact organism. Dwarven bones, unlike that of their human or Elven counterparts, lack any form of spongy marrow or hollowness. Rather, they consist of solid calcium carbonate. These solid bones, along with a wide, reinforced cranium, are believed to aid the Khazad during cavern collapses—a threat specific to their lifestyle and environment.
Having little light available in their underground habitats, Dwarves possess small eyes in proportion to the rest of the body. Tests have shown these eyes are, however, marvelously adept at distinguishing movement caused by shadow and torchlight versus that of an actually body.
Thick, muscular shoulders, coupled with large broad hands and a short neck make Khazad well equipped for tunneling. Perhaps the most distinguishing feature of the Dwarf is the beard, which is present on both male and female of the species. Further studies are needed to discover the exact purpose of this excess of hair. To date, there are several hypotheses. Of worthwhile mention are the Protection Theory and the Avoidance Hypothesis.
The Protection Theory states that the beard hair serves as a block against dirt or grime—such as coal dust—which may aggravate the skin of the Khazad.
The Avoidance Hypothesis states that the beard hairs collect various forms of mud and dust, thus enabling Khazad to better camouflage itself and avoid any unwanted attention.
Food of the Elves and Dwarves differs only slightly. Elves tend to consume greater quantities of fruits and vegetables, whereas Dwarves favor meats and nuts. Testament to this is the more pronounced canines present in Khazad than in the Elder. It must be noted that Dwarves are not known to partake in the consumption of Elves, despite the organism’s fondness for meat.
Notes From the Field Researchers propose that Elf and Dwarf aversions stem from interspecific competition. Hence, it is believed Khazad should not be viewed as predator or prey, but rather, competition.
Scientists observed the Telerius galadh to behave antagonistically towards the local Dwarven species, Khazad hillius. [Text taken from the notes of C.S.]:
“We were delighted today when a band of Khazad hillius were observed walking along Mirkwood’s Elf-Path. The more adventurous and commonly viewed of the Dwarven species, K. hillius was nonetheless fascinating to observe. The K. hillius travel in single-file formation, the strongest and largest members positioned at the very front and back of the line, whereas the smaller and younger members travel in the middle. Though perhaps not a very safe way to travel while out in the open, such formations are probably of great use to the Dwarf while in caves.
The T. galadh were aware of the Khazad presence before even we ourselves. At first we thought they would be content to watch K. hillius pass by, as the Dwarves seemed to be doing nothing more than traveling through. We were mistaken.
One Elf took up a raucous chirrip, and was quickly joined by his mates. Personally, I think it was Phoebus who started the whole thing. B.W. thinks it was Zippy, but we all know Zippy is too docile to attempt such things. I have seen him mend butterfly wings; he certainly wouldn’t go about harassing Dwarves.
The K.hillius began to grow wary and eventually flustered as the Elves’ tone grew astonishingly insulting. (Again, Phoebus started it all. NOT Zippy.) The Dwarves then began to shake their fists at the trees and shout things in return. They bunched into a tight circle, younger K. hillius at the center. I was reminded of musk oxen herds. The T. galadh proceeded to pelt the poor K. hillius with acorns. K. hillius roared most impressively before quickly fleeing down the path.”
Further evidence is given in the observations of B.W:
“It was quite amazing to view T. galadh’s reaction to K. hillius. K. hillius appeared to have inadvertently invaded T. galadh territory, and a brutal encounter ensued. Started by the Elf Zippy, despite what a certain colleague may claim. It was Zippy.”
And by B.P.:
“I was disappointed the territorial battle didn’t amount to anything other than shouting and acorn tossing. Both T. galadh and K. hillius are said to have excellent fighting prowess; I would have enjoyed seeing how they fared against one another. For crying out loud, does it really MATTER which T. galadh started it?
P.S.—It was Phoebus.”
PREY AND FOOD CONSUMPTION OF T. galadh
Researchers had ample opportunity to observe the feeding habits of T. galadh, as the Elves engaged in numerous feasts throughout the course of the study. T. galadh was noted to feed on venison, rabbit, several types of fowl, and fish. Fruits, vegetables, breadstuff, and nuts were also consumed, suggesting the Wood-Elves to be a highly omnivorous group. All foods varied with seasonal availability.
Groups of T. galadh would often travel to the outer fringes of the wood to hunt for meat. Researchers are unsure of where the other food sources were procured. It is believed the Elves attained them through trade, or perhaps from gardens within the palace. Again, scientists may only speculate.
It is known that the T. galadh used ‘trade’ as a method of obtaining drink. The following was taken from the notes of B.W.:
“The T. galadh had some sort of winter feast this week. Again. We decided to analyze a sample of their wine, as they seem particularly fond of it. Okay so actually we were all freezing our [censored] off in the [censored] tree blinds, and B.P. came up with the brilliant idea we ought to trade for some booze.
In exchange for our remaining 5 band-aides and P.A.M’s sleeping bag (never liked her anyways. Hahahahaha. But, I digress…), we managed to procure three barrels from the dominant male Elf ‘Phoebus.’ The T. galadh never seem to be without wine—they are constantly importing full barrels and shipping out the empty ones along the river. Marvelous ingenuity, really, if you think about it.
These creatures never fail to amaze us: at times they show intelligence which very nearly rivals our own. Perhaps it sounds strange, but sometimes it almost feels as though they really understand us. Quite honestly, I believe this could be the biggest breakthrough since dolphins or chimpanzees.”
Subsequent analysis of wine samples revealed the wine was a deep crimson in color, and containing a sweet yet heavy aftertaste. Researchers also discovered it to be of an extremely intoxicating nature. The T. galadh seem to have built up an immense tolerance to its effects, and it is suggested blood samples be procured from the species to determine whether or not their bodies produce specific enzymes to combat the wine’s effect.
All notes taken during wine analysis were illegible, hence the following day’s notes are observed:
“Headache. Convinced T. galadh have wine flowing in veins as opposed to blood. N.W. airlifted out of forest after last night’s nasty fall from tree—our thoughts are with her. B.P. still missing. If not found by tomorrow will call park services and rescue authorities. Will never, ever, again consume contents of alcoholic nature. 21st birthday celebration to consist of Kool-aid.” [notes of B.W.]
THE LECTURE HALL
arabiasil- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth thanks you for your interest in ‘Notes From the Field.’ Though no species of Man were observed during researchers’ stay, the suggestion of further research has vast potential. Again, thank you for supporting the SRDM.
Darkwater- On behalf of the researchers of ‘Notes From the Field,’ the Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth wishes to express sincere gratitude for your decision to support the scientific cause. Thank you.
Phoenix Flight- Researchers were unable to discover why the phenomenon of zippers became so fascinating to T. galadh. It is believed the Elves equated it to the call of a bird or forest animal. The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth thanks you for your comments and hopes you continue to enjoy Notes.
PrincessEilonwy- The observation of masculinity displays in T. galadh offered immense insight on the species. Researchers will include further information on the male hair hair-braiding behavior in the final publication of Notes. The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth thanks you for your comments and suggestions. The ‘Proud To Be A High Elf’ book bag will be sent immediately. Again, thank you.
Sigil Galen- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth expresses sincere gratitude for your insightful comments. Researchers themselves are surprised that such dull, dry, and wordy scientific mumbo jumbo is actually being read. Similarly, guilty feelings of “tricking” readers to view textbook-like chapters have been recorded to great extent.
ren- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth thanks you for your interest in ‘Notes From the Field,’ and agrees: Biology does kick [censored due to rating].
babyface- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth apologizes for any embarrassing snorting fits due to Notes, and suggests perhaps the possibility of Breathe-Rite nasal strips (?). Researchers are regretfully unable to grant your request for three hairs from the head of T. galadh Legolas (See: fic Observation and Dissection of the Common Wood-Elf, Telerius galadh for further explanation). The SRDM asks that you please accept three golden hairs from the head of Phoebus as compensation. Thank you for supporting ‘Notes From the Field.’
Luinramwen- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth wishes to thank you for your boisterous support of research in Middle-earth. Please accept this moon-shaped key-chain with the words ‘Moon Over Ithilien’ stamped on the back as token of the SRDM’s gratitude. Researchers will attempt to touch on the migrating patterns of T. galadh within the conclusion of ‘Notes.’
BlueTigerCat- The Scientific Research Department apologizes for publishing delays. Notes III was believed to have been lost in the mail. Thank you for supporting the SRDM.
ccg- ‘Notes From the Field’ researchers wish to offer sincere thanks for your words of encouragement. Thank you; it is hoped you continue to read and enjoy.
Bleaulily- ‘Notes From the Field’ researchers are immensely flattered by your compliments, but insist they are in no way worthy of worship-ness. Researchers share your detestation of the Mary Sue (particularly female researchers), and the Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth wishes to gift you with a travel-sized Mary Sue voodoo doll (complete with enraged female T. galadh action figure).
Ithilien- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth expresses its sincere gratitude over your study grant. As the invasive species of Mary Sue become more rampant and numerous, the SRDM is in agreement that more must be learned of this organism. Researchers found the similarities between T. galadh courtship and that of humans astoundingly similar. It is also noted that studies have shown females to increase the rate of blinking around males, though it is (usually—though in the Mary Sue it is often exaggerated) involuntary. Researchers wish to thank you for your acknowledgement of the demise of the character, as very few have come to terms with his absence. Again, thank you for your continued support of the SRDM.
Insane Muse- Researchers were greatly intrigued by the mention of previously un-heard of species, Mrs. Sue. The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth wishes to know if you will conduct further observation on the experiment, and is willing to fund said cause. Thank you for your continued support of ‘Notes From the Field.’
Noldor Lass- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth is pleased you found the ‘Proud to Be a High Elf’ book bag acceptable. Researchers are greatly intrigued of knowing whether or not you succeeded in managing a Haldir Smug Face, as it is believed he was hit on the back as an elfling while making the expression, thus permanently fixing his face in such a manner. On behalf of the SRDM, thank you for your continued support.
Zion S.C.- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth thanks you for your valued input and support, and hopes you continue to read and enjoy ‘Notes.’
Mari- Researchers of ‘Notes From the Field’ wish to express the utmost gratitude for your comments. It is hoped you have regained normal breathing capabilities. Again, thank you.
Dr. Kim, PHD., Elf Research at Mordor University- Indeed, researchers from ‘Notes’ have observed the shocking phenomenon of male T. galadh rescuing the Mary Sue, particularly male T. galadh of the blonde-haired nature and all bearing the name “Legolas.” Sadly, failed rescue attempts have led to numerous deaths of the Legolas T. galadh. It is feared the blonde variation of Wood-Elf is in danger of becoming extinct. The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth happily accepts your offer of researching the Elder. Please contact the department head immediately for your first assignment. The SRDM will pass along your comments to the author Bryn in regards to ‘marinus stiria.’ Thank you for supporting the SRDM.
Dragon-of-the-north- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth thanks you for your comments and support. The SRDM is currently unaware of the possibility of Elven scientist, though most intrigued. Again, thank you.
Kal- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth thanks you for supporting the T. galadh research project. It is not known to the SRDM which T. galadh rode the spider; it is, unfortunately, believed that the Wood-Elf Legolas may have been used for scientific purposes in earlier works, and no longer resides within Mirkwood. However, researchers cannot be certain. ‘Notes’ researchers thank you for the cookies.
gapofrohan- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth thanks you for your support of ‘Notes,’ and hopes you continue to read and enjoy the observations.
Hellga- Though highly tempted to test the effects of aspirin and caffeine on the T. galadh, researchers were ordered to interfere with Elven life as little as possible. The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth thanks you for your support, and inquires to know if your knowledge of pharmaceuticals is readily available (future studies are always in the works…).
Off-kilter- Researchers are greatly intrigued by your suggestion of grooming and behavioral observances within the T. galadh. On behalf of the scientists of ‘Notes,’ the Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth thanks you for your comments.
Jennifer Lee- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth is a staunch supporter of furthering education, and hopes that you continue to do so. Thank you for supporting the SRDM.
ellbee- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth maintains it is never too late to become a scientist. Thank you for supporting the SRDM; it is hoped you continue to read and enjoy ‘Notes.’
technetium- Researcher of ‘Notes’ gleefully agree that a dissection of the Mary Sue should take place. The request is currently being processed at the Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth Board of Trustees. Thank you for choosing to support ‘Notes From the Field.’
e- Thankfully, new editions of science textbooks are constantly being put to press. It is the Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth’s goal to one day include mention of T. galadh within these texts. On behalf of the researchers at ‘Notes From the Field,’ your support and comments are greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Thundera Tiger- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth hopes your laughter did not lead to any prolonged hurt. Researchers are highly intrigued by this previously un-heard of species of Mary Sue. (There have been 2 new species recorded thus far.) An established invasive species, it is requested that the Middle-earth Department of Natural Resources declare open hunting season on the creatures, before they overrun the land. The SRDM thanks you for your continued support, and asks that you please accept this ‘Khamûl is My Nazgûl’ T-shirt as token of appreciation.
Disclaimer: THE SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH DEPARTMENT OF MIDDLE-EARTH WISHES TO REMIND THE PUBLIC OF ITS STRICT POLICY AGAINST DIRECT INTERFERENCE AND INTERACTION WITH SUBJECTS OF STUDY. DUE TO THESE REGULATIONS, RESEARCHERS WERE FORBIDDEN TO PARTAKE IN MEASURES WHICH MAY HAVE PROVED POTENTIALLY HELPFUL TO SAID SUBJECTS. THE SRDM ACKNOWLEDGES THAT WHILE THIS POLICY APPEARS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL, IT IS STRONGLY BELIEVED THAT SUBJECTS WILL BENEFIT MOST IN THE LONG RUN IF EXPOSED TO THE LEAST AMOUNT OF HUMAN CONTACT POSSIBLE.
THE SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH DEPARTMENT OF MIDDLE-EARTH ALSO WISHES TO REAFFIRM ITS PREVIOUS STAND AGAINST THE HUNTING, TRAPPING, AND POACHING OF ELVES.
LASTLY, THE SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH DEPARTMENT OF MIDDLE-EARTH WOULD LIKE TO REMIND ALL MEMBERS OF PETE (PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF ELVES, COPYRIGHT 2002 BY JOCELYN) THAT THE DEPARTMENT DOES CARE FOR THE WELFARE OF THESE MARVELOUS CREATURES. PLEASE STOP THROWING THINGS AT SCIENTISTS, THEY DO NOT DESERVE IT. ALSO, CHAINING YOURSELVES TO VARIOUS AREAS OF THE BUILDING IS NOT ENCOURAGED. THE SRDM IS A LOW BUDGET, NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATION. WE DO NOT HAVE THE NECESSARY EQUIPMENT TO FREE YOU FROM THE CHAINS. WE DO, HOWEVER, HAVE GUARD WARGS.
~ Notes IV: Interaction and Poaching ~
The Wood-Elves were observed to be an overtly clean species. Rigorous washing rituals occurred in almost every river and stream. Community bathing was not uncommon. It is believed the Telerius galadh engaged in communal bathing for the benefits of safety in numbers—as the forests of Mirkwood are exceedingly dangerous—as well as for the social aspects. Groups of both male and female T. galadh were not observed to bathe together simultaneously. Bathers consisted only of all male or all female members.
*Acts of grooming, such as hair brushing and hair braiding were readily participated in by members of both sexes. Similar behavior has been observed in primates, and it is believed these activities serve to strengthen bonds and promote social interaction.
Groups of warriors were often observed to sit in hair braiding circles, or hircles, before departing into the woods to hunt. Similarly, groups of female T. galadh often engaged in hircles following bathing or gathering. Females tended to favor the incorporation of flowers into their braids. It was observed that one male braiding a flower into the hair of his companion often resulted in semi-violent retaliation.
Researchers agree that the act of hair brushing indicated stronger familiarity between two Elves. Hair brushing occurred most commonly between a mated pair of Elves, or between two female siblings.
It must here be noted that unlike primates, Wood-Elves were not observed to engage in the removal and consumption of lice or ticks from each other’s heads. The Elves did not appear to favor lice or tick consumption even when researchers offered the insects.
The T. galadh have a profound relationship with the forest. It is a symbiotic partnership researchers have only begun to understand.
It is generally known that plants follow a slow pattern of daily movement, which corresponds directly to the east-to-west path of the sun. This rotation occurs over a period of hours, and is far too slow to be noticed by the human eye.
The T. galadh are capable of increasing plant response from gradual to immediate movement. Researchers are not certain how this is achieved. It is hypothesized the Elves emit varying degrees of electromagnetic energy, much as they emit a glowing bioluminescence. Studies have shown plants readily respond to increases and decreases in electromagnetic forces, due to the various polarities of ions infused during water uptake.
Unfortunately, researchers were unable to test the Elves’ magnetic discharge.
[Taken from the notes of B.W.] “The high-pitched beeping of the electromagnetic sensor rendered the Elves nervous and uncooperative. A.B. was nearly shot with an arrow when she attempted to scan Phoebus—who seemed less than thrilled. I removed the device’s batteries, in attempt to illustrate the sensor’s harmlessness. The Elf Zippy took one of the batteries, weighed it in his hand, sniffed it, and then put his tongue on it. I fear he may have been electrocuted. I also fear the Wood-Elves more sensitive to electrical fields and charges than humans. Zippy’s eyes have gone all funny and he has taken to drooling. I sincerely hope whatever ails him is not permanent.”
The Wood-Elves demonstrated remarkable devotion to the trees and plant life within their realm. Grounds were tended to on a daily basis, and the Elves appeared to sing to the trees on more than one occasion. Trees within the Wood-Elven realm were found to be healthier and possess shorter recovery time from damage than those growing outside the territory. Signs of leaf decay, particularly in plants, were noticeably less. Elves were not observed to partake in the felling of growing trees, and any structures built within the trees seemed fitted to the trees’ natural contours.
*Though the Common Wood-Elf is by nature an organism which does not prefer to stray far from its original territory (much as the rabbit), recent observations reveal an increasing number of migratory Elves. T. galadh migration is to a much lesser degree than their Noldor or Galadhrim counterparts, yet it is feared this nonetheless contributes heavily to the already-dwindling population.
Flocks of migratory Elves are known to travel over prolonged distances at a measured pace. Dirge-esque songs of mourning often accompany this solemn, progressive march. Migratory patterns always travel in a Westward direction, until the Elves reach the sea. Once the sea is reached, the Elves have been documented as “disappearing.” Though researchers are unsure as to what exactly this entails, it is hypothesized the Elves may, in fact, engage in behavior similar to that of Lemmings (See also: suicidal drowning). It is believed that stress and habitat destruction may trigger Elven migration.
POACHING OF THE T. galadh
During researchers’ final week of their year-long study in Mirkwood, the realm was beset by a terrible sequence of events. We again refer to the notes of project head B.W.:
“I do not know if I possess the words to describe the heinous crime we have witnessed. My pen shakes even as I write of it now.
They came at the first light of dawn, disguised as those vile, vile Mary Sue beasts. There were Beaten Mary Sues, Unconscious Mary Sues, Amnesiac Mary Sues, and other horrible variations we had never before seen. The male T. galadh were instantly attracted—how could they not be? Led by Phoebus—bold, brave Phoebus!—they charged to aid the damsels in distress.
So enamoured were they, the T. galadh never saw the others lying in wait. They never saw the nets; the men armed with tranquilizer guns and clubs.
We tried to warn the Elves. Tried distracting them with band-aides and zippers. We shouted and screamed. We threw our remaining ration cans of SPAM and canisters of powdered milk at them. But our efforts were in vain.
Poor, poor Phoebus! He fought back fiercely—curse his golden head! It took 15 tranquilizer darts and two nets to bring him down. Even then he did not go without a fight. My eyes still grow teary as I recall his valiant efforts.
They took Phoebus. Took him away to Valar-know-where, and are probably already calling him ‘Legolas.’
Thus with this sad turn of events does our time in Mirkwood draw to a close, and we leave the forest with heavy hearts. And yet, though only 1/3 of the male T. galadh population remain, and Mirkwood’s dominant male has been lost, I cannot help but think we have come away enriched and wiser than before.
P.S.- A.B. made me write that last paragraph. We spent one whole year in the same tree, in the depths of a forest full of deadly creatures, had our sleeping bags stolen by Elves, my favorite Elf was nabbed by poachers… and you think I feel enriched? Enriched…hah! I’M GOING HOME.”
In recent years, most notably since the release of the acclaimed ‘Lord of the Rings’ movies, the practice of Wood-Elf poaching has increased to astronomical proportions. The T. galadh of blonde hair coloration, already an extremely rare trait amongst the Wood-Elves, are often the target of these crimes.
Once captured, the T. galadh are shipped to various locations beyond Middle-earth. They are then sold on the black market as “Legolas.” There have also been reports of “Haldir” labeled T. galadh, though to a much lesser degree. Many T. galadh perish during shipment, and those that do survive often fall into the hands of writers or fans who mean well, but unfortunately do not know how to properly care for them.
The number of dark-haired Wood-Elves falling victim to poachers has also shown disturbing increase. It is rumored many of these Elves are dyed blonde—an act which often results in subsequent balding and toxic death—and, again, sold on the black market as “Legolas.”
Researchers stress the importance of avoiding such acquisitions. These Elves are NOT Legolas. They were not meant to live within the confines of closets, basements, or dorm rooms. Similarly, the T. galadh’s natural habitat CANNOT be recreated by placing a tree or flowers within a room—especially if these plants are of a plastic nature. The Wood-Elf is a highly social creature, and requires broad expanses of wooded and fringe forest in order to survive.
Again, these Elves are NOT Legolas. They were not meant to live within the confines of closets, basements, or dorm rooms.
It is asked that any who may have mistakenly purchased a T. galadh immediately contact the local DNR. Do not release the T. galadh into the wild (or city), as this may prove deadly to both Elf and human should the Elf become distraught.
If it is absolutely necessary to own a T. galadh, the Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth recommends the purchase of a Mark I LEGOLAS or Mark II LEGOLAS model. These flawless creations are manufactured within Middle-earth, and obtainable through Theresa Green (See: author 416464, story ID 1454334 Legolas: The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual). They are readily available for consumers of all ages. Please do not buy live T. galadh from Mirkwood. Doing so only perpetuates the horrible practice of poaching.
If you would like to join the fight against poaching of the T. galadh, the Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth requests that you sign the attached petition. It may be found by clicking the button labeled ‘Review’ at the bottom of this page.
It is hoped Notes From the Field provided valuable insight to the magnificent and elusive Common Wood-Elf, Telerius galadh. Researchers wish to acknowledge and express the utmost thanks and gratitude to those who participated in the Lecture Hall. Thank you for your insightful questions and comments.
Until next time, and, as always: Happy Reading.
PLOT BUNNIES CITED:
Elven grooming rituals: Off-kilter
Migratory patterns: Luinramwen
And Special Thanks to Theresa Green for allowing the Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth to endorse the Mark I LEGOLAS and Mark II LEGOLAS.
* * *
THE FINAL LECTURE
ccg- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth is extremely grateful you found Notes to your liking. Researcher B.P. was last seen consuming wine while on the banks of the Forest River. His whereabouts are still unknown. The T. galadh’s wine tolerance is a subject of great interest to scientists; currently a grant is being pushed to further this research. Thank you for your support of the SRDM.
Aurora Light- On behalf of the researchers of Notes, the SRDM thanks you profusely for your wonderful comments. B.W. wishes to state her 21st birthday celebration last week did, in fact, consist of Fizzy Pear pop (or soda, depending on your location). She also adds, “It was Zippy.”
Noldor Lass- Researchers at the SRDM have consulted with Haldir, and the possibility of surgical procedure to remove the most unfortunate Smug Look has been discussed. As Haldir is somewhat put off by the fate that befell Legolas in the hands of the SRDM, it is unknown whether or not he will seek surgical treatment. He is currently using a mixture of various herbal remedies. Researchers thank you for your kind words in regards to Notes III, though still insist the chapter really was very boring.
RavenLady- Thank you for supporting research work of the SRDM. We hope you continue to enjoy the works, and that you join the effort to save the Common Wood-Elf.
Arabiasil- Researchers wish to convey the utmost gratitude for your show of support. They are pleasantly surprised that biology and chemistry lab write-ups have actually come to some good use. The SRDM hopes you continue to enjoy Notes, and again thanks you.
Raven Firedragon- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth is astounded by the break-through discovery of Wood-Elf lamination. Researchers are pushing for an immediate grant to continue observation in this area, in the hopes that the Lamination Hypothesis be supported or disproved. On behalf of the researchers at Notes, please accept this plush Mary Sue voodoo doll, complete with Screaming In Pain reflexes and detachable head. Thank you for supporting the cause.
Phoenix Flight- It has been documented that researcher B.W.’s 21st birthday last week consisted of Fizzy Pear pop (or soda) and ¼ glass of Molson Canadian. No drunkenness was observed, and the pop was quoted as being, “good.” Thank you for your continued support of Common Wood-Elf research.
PrincessEilonwy- Though the Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth has no direct affiliation to Middle-earth Paraphernalia Inc., scientists have heard rumors of more realistic-appearing Silmaril silk-screening soon to be implemented. If you wish to trade in your bag for a newer one, the MEPI will replace the bag free of charge. Researchers thank you for your condolences and pass them along to the family of J.Z.. Indeed, in-field studies may prove potentially fatal, but scientists are well aware of the risks. Your comments regarding the professionalism of scientists C.S., B.W., and B.P. have been recorded. (It must be noted that the whereabouts of B.P. are still unknown.) It was Zippy.
e- Your research into the relationship between T. galadh and K. hillius is particularly insightful. As to date, researchers are stumped by these apparent alliances, though it does appear they are a rare-occurring happening. Unfortunately, the T. galadh male of Ithilien is somewhat un-observable, as it appears researchers have inadvertently dissected the subject (see: Observation and Dissection of the Common Wood-Elf, Telerius galadh). Nonetheless, scientists have begun further research into the complex relationship of the two species. Thank you for supporting the Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth.
Hildestohl- The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth is a non-profit organization funded by private and public donations. The latest grant received came from the charitable author Ithilien. As researchers only observed the Common Wood-Elf for a single year, there have been suggestions that the observation be made into a life-long study, spanning perhaps several eras of mortal life. However, this endeavor promises to be extremely costly, and budget cuts loom. Thank you for participating in the Lecture Hall, and for supporting the SRDM.
fliewatuet- Researchers praise the Webster’s New World College Dictionary, Fourth Edition, for aiding in Latin and, in some cases, Greek or Old English names. Researchers are still unsure of how to go about obtaining blood samples from the T. galadh. Drugging was suggested, though the Elves’ reaction to such substances has yet to be observed. Thank you for taking an interest in the SRDM.
Lamiel- Researchers wish to lay blame for slow updates on the very much despised ‘marinus stiria,’ as well as subsequent budget and time cuts. The apparent resurgence of the T. galadh Legolas is of high interest to the Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth. Scientists find this a very unnatural and disturbing occurrence. It is believed such returns from the dead may show proof of vampirism; perhaps this warrants a stake to the heart before things get out of hand? Thank you for your astounding break-through information, as well as continued support for the SRDM.
JastaElf- Researchers at the SRDM, upon believing the received letter to be of true Telerius galadh hand and not forged, though somewhat shocked by the apparent writing and mental capabilities of the Elves, are flattered and humbled by His Majesty’s most noble invitation. If the request still stands (as His Majesty appears to have met a rather sad and cruel fate), the SRDM would be more than happy to comply. The Scientific Research Department of Middle-earth also wishes to express its deepest condolences in regards to the most regrettable demise of King Thranduil. It is hoped he may be recovered yet.
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