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Disclaimer: This story is non-profit and was written out of the author’s own insanity. All recognized characters and places are property of J.R.R. Tolkien and New Line Cinema. The author does not condone the hunting, trapping, or killing of Elves in any manner. The aforementioned acts were performed for the sake of research alone, in the hopes of yielding finds that may be beneficial to aid said species.
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Observation and Dissection of the Common Wood-Elf, Telerius galadh
It is recognized that the Elder, or “Elves,” were one of the first species to exhibit superior levels of intelligence and the gift of speech. These tall, bipedal organisms once roamed the entire range of Middle-earth. In spite of their longevity and previous success, the population has been declining at alarming rates. If action is not soon taken to protect them, it is believed this marvelous creature shall be lost forever.
The purpose of this experiment was to observe the Common Wood-Elf (Telerius galadh, sub-genus Sindarwina) in his natural habitat, followed by the examination and dissection of the organism to shed further light upon his physical and chemical anatomical properties.
It was hoped that the following questions be answered:
1. To what extent is the relationship between Elf and Forest?
2. Similarly: how highly developed are the Elf’s senses, and how do such traits benefit him in his natural habitat?
3. Why does the Elf appear to “glow” in areas of little to no light?
4. Why do Elves weigh so little?
1 rope netting (*note: Elf escaped)
1 tranquilizer dart (*note: Elf escaped)
1 spear (*note: Elf escaped)
1 steel trap (*note: Elf avoided)
Standard Hamilton Bell Co., Inc. dissection kit (ruler, tweezers, eye-dropper, scissors, scalpel, pick, and a strangely heavy blunt metal object—the purpose of which has yet to be discerned)
The first step was the capture and sedation of the Common Wood-Elf. It must here be stated that the initial subjects were not of the Wood-Elf class, but those of the Royal Half-Elven and Lesser Dark Noldor species. However, the intended subjects (of whom bore the names “Elrohir,” “Elladan,” “Arwen,” and “Gildor”) proved to be most difficult to capture. Several attempts were made before a successful procurement was produced.
The standard M.S. Capture Tactic* was employed to attract an Elf. The would-be captor was disguised as the Homo perfectevilius, or Tattered Mary Sue (sub-genus of the Beaten Mary Sue, the Unconscious Mary Sue, and the Orphaned Mary Sue), and lay screaming upon the ground beneath the eaves of Mirkwood.
Her presence was noted within 2 minutes and 38 seconds, at which time a male Telerius galadh approached cautiously from the trees. When the subject bent down to inquire of the Tattered Mary Sue’s well-being, he was promptly shot in the shoulder. This, in turn, caused the Wood-Elf to become enraged. His threats were recorded and translated; the Elf is believed to be “Legolas Thranduilion,” and skilled in the arts of archery and swearing. Unfortunately, the Elf could not be contained and proceeded to give chase, meriting several more bullets (including the subsequent shot to the head). All shots were made cleanly and the subject died with little to no pain.
Due to the rating of this experiment and the immense popularity of the character Legolas, the author will not describe the dissection.
All outward appearances suggested the subject to be healthy: the T. galadh possessed well-developed musculature and showed no signs of illness or hurt (save the aforementioned bullet wounds). The Elf’s hair color could not be determined, as it appeared to change in various lights, ranging from dark brown to platinum blonde. Under ultra-violet light, it appeared green.
A similar reaction was recorded during determination of the subject’s eye color. Depending upon the angle at which the eyes were viewed, they appeared blue, grey, or green. Eyes also contained a second transparent “lens,” measuring .2 cm in thickness. Excess moisture was held beneath the lens, preventing the eyes from drying out. This, in turn, enables the T. galadh to sleep with open eyes.
Further analysis of the subject “Legolas” revealed Elves glow due to bioluminescence. They lack sweat glands, therefore causing them to expel excess heat in the form of light. This is a common occurrence also found in the lesser animal phyla of Cnidaria (jellyfish, hydras, and corals), Ctenophora (comb jellies), and the Cephalopod Molluscs (most notably the squid, Loligo sp.). Perhaps there is a possible evolutionary relationship between the four (did the Elves descend from the jellies or molluscs?). Further research is needed in order to discover the true relationship.
Several bone samples were taken, and it was discovered that the bones of the Elder were hollow. This, in turn, may explain their relatively light body weight, as well as their ability to walk on surfaces that would not support the weight of a human body (i.e. snow and tree branches).
The subject “Legolas” had a well-recorded lineage, though it brought forth several questions. Legolas is said to be the son of Thranduil and grandson of Oropher. It must here be noted that no second parent or grandparent is given, suggesting that perhaps the Wood-Elves reproduce asexually, and therefore do not require both male and female of the same species. If this is true, then it may be concluded that there are no true males among the Wood-Elf species, or, that they are a hermaphroditic group. Reproduction may occur via budding (the protruding growth of a smaller Elf from the body of a mature Elf), fission (the Elf divides, forming two new Elves), or simultaneous fertilization between two hermaphroditic Elves. The subject did, however, contain reproductive organs, which suggests the latter to be the most likely scenario.
The Common Wood-Elf, Telerius galadh, is marvelously adapted to life in both densely packed and fringe forests. Superior senses coupled with specialized physiological adaptations allow the creature to live in symbiotic relationship with the surrounding land. It is hoped, through further research and examination, that we will gather greater understanding and appreciation for this swiftly vanishing species.
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*M.S. Capture Tactic: “Mary Sue Capture Tactic.” Found to be the most successful method of attracting members of the Elven race.
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