A Difficult Choice

Chapter 23. A Difficult Choice

As they entered Bolham's sprawling smial, Pippin kissed Diamond good-night. 'Healer Agate asked for a word,' he said, and added, 'regarding Tolibold,' to forestall any worries on her part concerning himself. 

'Try to get some sleep, at least,' she returned. 'You've a long ride ahead of you after breakfast, and I don't want you to fall asleep and out of the saddle!'

'I'll do what I can,' Pippin said.

*** 

The young Thain entered The Red's private parlour, where Agate and Bolham were waiting for him. Bolham waved Pippin to a comfortable chair. Then he patted his wife's knee, enveloped her hand in his, and nodded to her to open the discussion.

'First,' Agate said, 'I have put together some notes for your Woodruff.' She presented him with a sheaf of closely-written pages. She must have begun writing as soon as the young north-Tooks had dropped off to sleep. 

Moreover, from the number of pages, Pippin thought she had likely continued without stopping until her Tookish guests returned from the Faire, when she would have intercepted them to warn them how to reintroduce themselves to Tolibold. 'Thank you,' he said.

'This first page is a summary of the rest,' Agate explained. 'She can skim it quickly – and she should do so before Tolly meets anyone.' 

'Anyone?' Pippin asked. Now how are we going to manage keeping him from the notice of his friends and relations as we ride through Tuckborough and arrive at the Smials?

'Anyone and everyone,' Agate confirmed. 'It's vital for his safety – and perhaps his very life depends upon it.'

Pippin blinked as he digested this extraordinary information.

'Here,' Bolham said, holding out a slim box of finely-tooled leather. 'Put them in here, to resemble a gift of sorts presented to the Thain by The Red.' Meeting Pippin's quizzical look, he added, 'I deem the Tooks will accept the information more readily if it seems to come from their own healer; this way, you won't be seen bringing these notes with you from the North Farthing.'

'Of course,' Pippin nodded. 

'I would go with you,' Agate said, looking from Pippin to Bolham. 'And my beloved agrees it could be the best course for your cousin's sake. But, unfortunately, I must weigh Tolly's need against those of the community we serve. We're a little short of healers at the moment, and my absence would lay a heavy burden on Valerian – who's all we have in Bolton at the moment. E'en though farming mishaps are fewer this time o' year, the winter weather brings with it sneezles and wheezles and fevers, not to mention the grippe...'

'Added to that, the Tooks are not all that likely to listen to you, my dear,' Bolham said, squeezing his wife's hand.

'The Tooks don't even listen to their own healers,' Pippin said drily.

'My point exactly,' Bolham nodded, cocking a shrewd eye at the young Thain. For the most part, The Red had sat back and let his wife carry the conversation, but having observed the Tooks over the course of the earlier search for Tolibold, as well as during their current visit, he'd thought it best to emphasise this point to the young Thain. 'But they'll listen better to you – or Reginard, as it were – if their own Woodruff appears to be the source of the information guiding the process, as I said earlier.' 

'Now,' Agate said, her tone demanding Pippin's attention. 'The trickiest part of this business will be reconnecting the hobbit to his nearest and dearest. The closer they are to his heart, the more vigorously – desperately, with all the force of the word – "Wallas" will have blocked them from his consciousness over the recent weeks of healing.'

'But Ferdi...' Pippin argued.

'Tolly's relatively easy re-connection with Ferdibrand was unusual,' Agate said. 'Believe me, I was as surprised as you.' She shook her head. 'But we cannot expect the rest of the process to go as smoothly. In fact, it would be quite foolhardy to underestimate the power "Wallas" has over Tolly's mind.'

She held up a staying hand at the young Thain's expression. 'With no malicious intent,' she emphasised. 'The "Wallas" in Tolly is not an evil shadow trying to take over Tolibold's mind and heart and soul, as if it were a servant of the Dark Lord! In point of fact, the "Wallas" part of his mind springs from Tolly's own essence. It offers a – a sort of self-protection – striving to fill the emptiness that threatened to swallow him, pulling him down into darkness and nothingness, with no hope of escape...'

Pippin shuddered at her description. 'It sounds enough like Shadow to me to be its twin.'

'The workings of the mind are such a mystery,' Agate said, looking down for a moment as if in deep thought, 'and while I have seen one patient much like Tolibold recover completely, I am still, more or less, fumbling in the dark.' She looked up again and continued, 'I was encouraged at the progress I saw in your cousin at the celebration this night. I dare to hope: he is healing! But,' she cautioned, shaking her head at Pippin, 'of all those who reconnected with him this day, only two might've endangered him, being so close as a brother...'

'You're talking about Hildibold and Ferdibrand,' Pippin interrupted.

Agate leaned forward. 'Exactly!' she said, nodding vigorously. 'I do not know if you realise how narrowly we avoided disaster! His seeing Hildibold on the doorstep shattered the delicate balance his mind had found, and Hilly's attempts to reach him after he collapsed and turned inward had the opposite effect – forcing Tolly ever deeper, ever further away, and pulling "Wallas" down with him...' She drew a shaking breath. 'It was a near thing when I arrived at the cottage. He had retreated almost beyond reach...'

'But Ferdi...' Pippin protested.

'Aye,' Agate agreed. 'But remember, Hilly encountered his brother unexpectedly. By contrast, I was able to advise Ferdibrand ahead of time on how best to help Tolly. Thus, his... intrusion, I suppose might be the proper term... on "Wallas's" consciousness was completely under Tolly's control.'

In answer to Pippin's wrinkled brow, the healer explained, 'I'm sure you remember how Ferdi took care not to impose any demands whatsoever on his dearest cousin; wisely, he simply waited for Tolly to speak, and followed Tolly's lead in his responses. Speaking with Ferdi as I did, though only briefly, gave me complete confidence that if Tolly's mind had not yet been able to bear the grief of recognising and remembering one so close to his heart, he could have walked right past Ferdi – paid him no mind, or perhaps spoken to him as a stranger and not the closest of cousins – and I trust that Ferdi would have held his tongue to protect Tolly.'

'Ferdi wouldn't tell his own sister what was for tea if he thought she didn't need to know,' Pippin confirmed.

Agate smiled faintly. 'I don't know whether that's commendable or concerning,' she reflected. Then she resumed, 'And so, what you must know is that reintroducing Tolly to those closest to his heart will be the most perilous part of the process for him, requiring the most forethought and care on everyone else's part. I must warn you,' she'd added, her gaze boring into Pippin, 'that even if the hobbit seems completely restored – he could still lose himself beyond recovery in re-connecting with his memories of a brother or his wife or child – or anyone, really, who is similarly close to him, such as Ferdibrand who is a brother of his heart!'

'How can that be?' Pippin began, but the healer wasn't finished with her explanation.

'From what you've told me, and from what I heard from him as we wandered through his dreams, Tolly has borne a heavy sense of responsibility all his life,' Agate said. 'Was born with it, you might say. From his youngest years, he watched over his younger brother Hilly and, to some extent, his older brother Freddy. It seems to me that becoming a hobbit of the Thain's escort was a natural consequence – his fate as was always intended...'

Pippin had little patience for philosophical considerations when practical matters were the topic of discussion. 'But what has that to do with...?'

'The "Tolly" part of him is weighed down heavily with accumulated guilt at his "failings",' Agate emphasised. 'The job of a hobbit of the escort is a thankless one, where success – the continued well-being of the Thain and his family – is taken for granted, and any shortcomings or missteps are held over the escort's head forever afterwards, or as long as the Talk lasts.'

Her words hit home. 'And it can last an awfully long time,' Pippin said ruefully.

'Not to mention the unfairness heaped upon the escort's heads!' Agate said, suddenly indignant. 'Eglantine told me how, when you chose to evade being escorted, the penalty for your assigned escort was as much as three days of water rations! Yet you were rightfully the one to blame, not your escort!'

'Worse,' Pippin murmured. 'The penalty was much worse in my father's day. Injustice was done that I cannot remedy, no matter how I try. And I must answer for my own part in it.'

'Aye, lad,' Bolham said quietly.

'But time is fleeting,' Agate said. 'So... My discussion with him, after I'd put him into a light sleep, seemed to reveal that the recent landslip, leaving Tolly helpless, requiring your mum to protect him, was perhaps the saleratus in the cake in his case. Similar, perhaps, to events that affected those other hobbits I tried to help; but still, confronting his feelings about that reversal burned up all his fuel, so to speak, and left him vulnerable when the lightning bolt nearly killed him.'

'He was different,' Pippin said in sudden realisation.

'How so?' Agate demanded.

'Quieter,' Pippin said. 'I think... he was more serious.' He shook his head at himself – why had he not noticed it at the time? 'He seldom laughed... and that wasn't like him.'

'That description fits the picture I've put together,' Agate confirmed. 'And it adds to my worries,' she said. 

At Pippin's questioning look, she continued, 'Even worse, perhaps – or so I conjecture – is the guilt I believe the hobbit has felt since his "awakening" earlier today, regarding his "failure" to do everything in his power to return to those who love him.' She raised a hand to stay Pippin's objection, clarifying, 'The fault is not his, of course – becoming Wallas was not a conscious decision; in a sense, he is an unwitting victim of the natural process of healing in cases such as this, where his mind, drowning in darkness and silence, grasped at the first life-saving "rope" to present itself and pushed away all other distractions in its desperate struggle to survive the crisis.'

'I...' Pippin said, at a loss. Agate fell silent then, allowing him time to think through all she had said. How patient these north-Tooks are in contrast to the Tooks! he thought incongruously, then returned his mind to the picture the healer had painted. At last, he responded slowly, thinking through the words as he said them, 'And so, the guilt he feels, whether true or false...'

'He cannot heal so long as the weight of the self-reproach he feels, however unwarranted, remains,' Agate nodded. 'He is not strong enough to bear it, whether or not he should even be obliged to do so!' She paused to let the words sink in, then said, 'Thus, his only recourse may be to deny the "Tolly" part of him in order to survive... and in his desperation, he risks losing the "Wallas" part of himself as well.' 

'But...' Pippin protested.

Agate nodded. 'But that would leave him with nothing. He'd be empty. Worse, his very essence would be walled off, beyond reach, with no way to refill or restore that part of him we might call Tolly's "self".'

'My... word...' Pippin said, deeply shaken.

'And so those dearest to his heart must understand the danger they pose to him before they meet again,' Agate said quietly. 'Though he puts on a good face, in his heart, he condemns himself without mercy for his inability to remember them, and the grief that afflicts him seems beyond consolation. Thus, kindness, gentleness, sincerity, patience, understanding... are essential! While light talk may ease a heavy heart – that is not the case in this instance! A jest may go amiss... and, in passing, do your cousin untold harm!' 

The rest of the discussion reflected Pippin's determination to understand all aspects of Tolly's plight as thoroughly as possible. Perhaps three hours before the farewell breakfast was scheduled to commence, Agate finished answering Pippin's final question in full. After a brief silence to allow the young Thain to digest the mountain of information he'd taken in over the past day and night, she asked, 'Are you in agreement as to the next step?'

Pippin nodded. 'Immediately after breakfast, I will summon the Tooks you've requested, that you may inform Tolly of the choices that lie before him, and that those closest to him here may understand and support the choice he ends up making.'

As the three of them wearily stood to their feet, Bolham held out his hand to Pippin, saying, 'We'll see you at early breakfast, then?'

'O' course,' Pippin said, resting his palm against Bolham's after the north-Took fashion. 'And thank you, the both of you, for all you've done.'

*** 

That day's early breakfast was a farewell celebration for many travellers, not only the visiting Tooks but also those of Bolham's band who did not live close by and had left neighbours minding their responsibilities at home. Thus, like the previous evening's observance, the event took place on the threshing floor in Bolham's largest barn, beginning at six o' the clock, about two hours before the Sun would rub the sleep from her eyes and kick off her bedcovers on this winter morn.

'We might as well have slept on the benches and tables,' Hilly grumbled, 'for did we not leave this place only a few hours ago?'

To Hilly's surprise, considering his older brother's susceptibility to winter gloom, Tolly laughed. Perhaps it had something to do with little Lark, nestled against her da's side. As she busily plied her spoon in her bowl of "caterpillars and beetle-bugs" – Tolly's description of her breakfast fare, which she had pertly corrected – Tolly dropped a kiss on top of her curly head, then raised his smiling face to say, 'Didn't you find the beds here at the farm quite comfortable, Hilly? Why should you wish to sleep rough instead?'

'My thoughts exactly,' said Ferdi from across the table, his grin equalling Tolly's.

'Lovely hot breakfast, eh, Ferdi?' Tolly said.

'Good and hot!' Ferdi replied. 'At this rate, I may choose to stay in the North-lands! Comfortable beds... hot food...' While he would never cast aspersions on Rusty or the Great Smials cooks, the demanding nature of his work for the Thain too often required him to eat cold food out of his saddlebags and even sleep on the ground.

But Ferdi's words came back to haunt him after breakfast ended. While the Tooks and north-Tooks exchanged farewells on the threshing floor and in the courtyard prior to the visitors' departure, Haldi hunted him down. 'The Thain wants to see you in the large parlour now.'

Ferdi bent to kiss Pimpernel's cheek. 'Don't let the cavalcade leave me behind...'

'Cavalcade!' Nell said. 'What sort of word is that?'

'Something your brother brought back from the Outlands,' Ferdi said. 'In any event, I have no real ambition to remain in the North Farthing and change my name to north-Took!'

'Well that's a relief,' Nell teased gently. 'At breakfast, I might have sworn you were singing a different tune.'

Ferdi lifted her hand and kissed her fingertips. 'Fair Nell,' he said. 'See that the children are settled – and that they leave room for me in the coach! ...unless you might prefer to travel upon my lap, an altogether delightful prospect to contemplate...'

Pimpernel pulled her hand from his. 'Don't tempt me!' she said. 'Just don't let my brother talk you into riding with him on the short road...'

Ferdi winked and laughed, and then he turned away, singing an old tune, 'Ye'll take the short-cut, and I'll take the main road, and I'll be in Tookland afore ye...!' Many of the hobbits gathered on the courtyard took up the melody or harmony, filling the air with music and lending a cheerful tone to the farewells taking place.

When Ferdi arrived in obedience to the Thain's summons, he found several others already waiting with Pippin in the parlour: Tolly and Hilly, Gorbyl and Bolham, and the latter's healer-wife. 

'Ah, good, Ferdi, you're here at last...' Pippin said. 'Shut the door behind you.'

'I... beg your pardon; I didn't mean to keep you all waiting...' Ferdi said uncertainly as he closed the door. With the shutters over the windows closed and fastened and the door closed, the room was uncannily quiet. The Thain's special assistant interpreted Pippin's at last as meaning he ought to have responded more quickly to Haldi's message, being the last to arrive. 

Bolham smiled. 'We make allowances for newlyweds, for their heads are so often in the clouds...' 

At this, Ferdi realised that Pippin's summons had come at the behest of their host. He bowed to Bolham, saying, 'My thanks. I think.' 

Or maybe the reason had been to oblige their hostess? To Ferdi's heightened senses, Mistress Agate seemed as taut as a drawn bow, and she held tightly to Bolham's arm.

'We shall not keep you long,' Pippin said. 'But we have called you all together for a Purpose.' Was he deliberately echoing old Bilbo's final farewell? 

In any event, Ferdi felt a chill, and saw a similar unease in his cousins' faces. 'What is it?' he said to break the uncomfortable silence that threatened to stretch on.

Agate looked at her husband in obvious distress. 

Bolham smiled into his wife's face and patted her hand. 'Now is the time, my dear,' he said. 'Forewarned is forearmed, as they say, and as they are all scheduled to depart within the hour... The bread is as risen as it can be; and the decision must be made: will it be baked in the oven or over the fire?'

The healer took a deep breath and steeled herself, then surveyed the puzzled faces before her with a keen and questioning look of her own. 'I have spoken with each of you,' she said, 'including Tolly, about the process of finding himself once more...'

'You have,' Tolly said, moving forward a step. 'I cannot begin to...'

Agate held up a staying hand. 'Please do not thank me, not yet,' she said. 'For I must now present to you a difficult choice. I commend your ability to put on a brave face, Tolibold, but I deem that you do not feel as easy as you seem.' 

She waited, locking eyes with Tolly until he nodded, and then she went on. 'A difficult choice lies before you, and you must be the one to choose. It is your life; you are the one who bears most of the risk here.'

'What do you mean?' Hilly said, moving to Tolly's side.

'Recovering one's memories after an injury such as yours can resemble walking through a bog,' Agate said, still speaking directly to Tolly. 'Should there be any false step...'

'I've recovered a great deal!' Tolly protested, blinking in confusion. 'Why, I feel... as if my head is clear, and for the first time in... I don't know how long. I've remembered so much, in so short a time, that I had been beginning to feel was lost to me forever...' 

'You have,' Agate said with a small smile. 'You've made a valiant effort, and you've shown a great deal of strength of will and mind. But, Tolly, I must tell you to my sorrow that your healing is in no way certain at this point, and returning to the Tookland is fraught with peril.'

'How...?' Tolly asked haltingly. 

Ferdi had the same question, as did Hilly, and old Gorbyl looked troubled. Pippin's face was grave, for Agate had thoroughly laid out her concerns in their earlier discussion.

'Yesterday and last night,' Agate said, 'you were re-introduced to people from your former life – as "Tolly" – very carefully, and under controlled conditions. Though you didn't know it, my husband and several of his hobbits were watching you all last night, and standing ready to pull you away to safety should you show any signs of distress.'

'I...' Tolly said, at a loss. 'But I was able to remember my cousins, their wives...'

Agate shook her head. 'But you still do not remember your wife,' she said. Her eyes narrowed as she added, 'If you have remembered her or your older brothers, you have not spoken of them in my hearing, at least...'

'I have an older brother? More than one of them?' Tolly seemed flummoxed at the news.

But Agate only answered his questions with one of her own. 'Can you tell me the name of your wife?' she pressed.

'Dove,' Tolly answered – to the shock and consternation of the Tooks in the room. At seeing their reaction, he shook his head, passed his hand over his eyes, and muttered, 'No. That's not right.' He closed his eyes and set his jaw; his forehead wrinkled with the intensity of the effort he was making, but then his shoulders slumped as his hand fell to his side. He opened his eyes and looked up again, and unshed tears slowly gathered in his eyes. 'I don't know,' he whispered.

Agate looked fiercely at Hilly, at Ferdi, stopping either of them from naming Meadowsweet aloud. Pippin, from their early-morning consultation, knew better. For his part, Gorbyl didn't know the name of Tolly's wife.

'Can you describe some part of the Tookland to me?' Agate persisted. 'The Great Smials, perhaps? The woods, or fields, or the Green Hill country? Can you close your eyes and see them in your mind's eye?'

Tolly closed his eyes and grimaced. His hands tightened into fists and began to tremble. At last, he let out a pent-up breath and shook his head again. 'Nae,' he said in the north-Took way. 'I can see only the Wood in my mind's eye...'

'It is as I feared...' Agate began, but Gorbyl interrupted her.

'Ye saw her in yer dreams, lad!' he burst out. 'A raven-haired lass wit' stormy eyes, ye said!'

'That's true,' Pippin said, being careful not to name Meadowsweet.

'But I cannot remember her!' Tolly cried, and then he covered his face again.

'Tolly,' Agate said into the silence that followed. When the hobbit did not respond, she said, 'Wallas?'

Tolly slowly let his hands fall, revealing his tortured face. 'No,' he said stubbornly. 'I know my name is Tolly, for enough hobbits have said it to my face since yesterday...'

'But you don't recognise yourself as "Tolly", not yet,' Agate said gently. 'And so, by my healer's oath, I must offer you this choice. It is a difficult choice, I fear, but it would be unconscionable for any other to make such a choice for you.'

'What choice?' Tolly said dully.

'I think, from the healing I've seen in you, that you could stay quite safely here in the North-lands,' Agate said, 'take up your life as Wallas once more, and live out the rest of your days in the Wood, just as you have these past few months.'

Both Hilly and Ferdi gasped, but Pippin merely shook his head sorrowfully. For his part, Tolly showed no reaction, at first, as if the words had no meaning. But then, as the import of the healer's words hit home, he bowed his head.

'Whereas,' the healer continued, 'I cannot be so confident of the outcome of your seeing the Tookland again, much less beholding the face of your wife... or meeting your other brothers...'

'What do you mean?' Tolly asked, lifting his head to stare at her.

'I told these hobbits who care about you, back at the cot in the Wood, that you stood on the knife's edge,' Agate said. 'What I meant was that you could fall to either side of the blade – become fully Wallas, or fully Tolly. But should your mind betray you... Falling upon the blade would tear your mind asunder, and I know of no remedy that could save you if that should happen.'

Tolly met her steady, serious gaze for a long moment. 'So returning to the Tookland carries with it the chance of losing my wits?' he said slowly. 'How great is this chance?'

'Losing your wits would be the least of it, Tolibold,' Agate said gently. 'First, your mind, if overcome, would turn inward. Madness would follow close behind and, ultimately, your death,' she went on. 'I cannot tell you what your chances are, not from the small number of hobbits I have treated for this malady.' She drew a shaking breath. 'Only one of them recovered fully. Two recovered partially – they fell "to one side of the blade" as it were. The rest succumbed to madness and willed themselves to die.'

She looked at Pippin then, and added, 'Your Thain tells me that of the handful of Tooks released from the Lockholes in similar distress, such that they no longer knew their own names or recognised their loved ones but referred to themselves only by the numbers the ruffians assigned them, none survived. Two Bolgers, similarly affected, survived after their release, but only because they never returned to their homes.'

'Mercy,' Hilly breathed.

Tolly seemed to stare into a far distance, but this time he was obviously turning over the healer's words. At last, he asked, 'What would happen if I stayed here in the North-lands?'

Agate smiled sadly. 'If you returned to the Wood, choosing deliberately to live as Wallas... From what I've seen before, the "Tolly" part of you would fade, gradually, gently, until you were no longer troubled at the loss, for you would become fully Wallas in your mind. But—' she warned, '—you could never safely visit the South-lands for risk of triggering the process all over again – and all too likely to be worse, a second time – nor could your loved ones in the Tookland risk seeing you again here in the North, for the same reason.'

'But my brother would live? He would be well?' Hilly interjected, as if the words were forced from him.

'What I have described is the best outcome possible from taking the choice with the lowest risk,' Agate answered. She gazed seriously at Tolly's younger brother. 'Obviously we would not call it the best outcome. That would involve your brother becoming fully Tolly once more while remembering his time as Wallas. But seeking that result carries the highest risk of all.'

Hilly turned to his beloved older brother. 'Tolly,' he said. 'Should you choose not to risk all but to stay, to live, I – I'll explain to – to everyone,' he finished, remembering in time to mention no names that might trigger some sort of crisis in his brother.

Old Gorbyl shook his head, but when he would have spoken, Bolham stopped him. 'Tolibold must be the one to make this decision. It's his life that hangs in the balance.' 

Gorbyl might have argued. His grands had embraced the hobbit as their da; what about their lives? From what he understood, the safest course for the hobbit was to stay in the Wood, living as Wallas. Meanwhile, though the Tooks had a prior claim, returning to the Tookland posed serious danger to this hobbit he'd come to love as a son. 

In the end, the old hobbit met Bolham's eye, nodded, and kept his mouth shut.

***