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|When Shadow Touches Home by daw the minstrel||5 Review(s)|
|Red Squirrel||Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 7/24/2013|
|Can I just say that I like these good Ada Thranduil stories? So sad for Legolas to lose the most important person in his life! Plus his Ada has a very demanding job that takes up alot of his time so he must feel so lost. Poor little guy. And poor Thranduil left alone in all this mess. The details of Lorellin's death are horrible. I think if I were Thranduil I would, even in the depth of my grief, still be a bit angry at her for not waiting for the escort. The consequences of her riding out are devestating. But it does seem like something she would do. Her family is clearly devestated and is struggling to pick of the pieces of their live and go forward. |
Author Reply: If I were Thranduil, I'd definitely be angry once in a while. When my son was little, I didn't feel I had the right to put myself in risky situations. He needed me too much. But that's Lorellin. She and Eilian are much alike, which is one source of trouble between Eilian and his father.
|aure_enteluva||Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 8/5/2003|
|I really like this chapter. It looks like a compelling story, and you are obviously very skilled as a writer. But I'm sure you want a bit of constructive criticism. So here it is: use more contractions, especially between Thranduil and his sons, and *especially* in anything Legolas says. It seems like the conversation is a bit too formal at times, and I think contractions might help in that regard.|
I'd also like to get a bit of more description of the places you're in. Be warned: I am a very descriptive writer, but I would like a better feel for what these places look like. What kind of bed did Legolas lay in? What color was his tunic. What did the dining room look like? That type of thing.
Oh, and one last thing. You seemed to use "said" a lot. I'd use other words to describe speaking. A good-sized list is available at http://tinyurl.com/j0z8 . It's also better if you can avoid adverbs. They're a perfectly acceptable form of writing but a lot of times they can be incorporated into the text another way. Often [character] + said + [adverb] can be written as [character] + [speech verb incorporating adverb]. For example, "Jane said angrily" could become "Jane shouted". The effect's the same, and there's a lot more punch.
But like I said I loved your first chapter. I had to think hard on some things you could improve. If I was too harsh, feel free to go over and rip "Lady of Gondor" (my story) to shreds. ;-)
|Fadesintothewest||Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 7/28/2003|
|Oh my, what a sad tale this is, but of course it can only be with the tragic death of Lorellin. Another glance into Thranduil's family, how Eilian has come to be who he is, how Ithilden came to be by Thranduil's side, and of course our little Legolas.|
I was wondering if you would like reviews left at both FF.net or here. It's easy to do both, but again that depends on which site you like them from.
I am glad this story has continued, a prequel, a long line of stories in this most interesting take on Mirkwood's finest!
|Strange Blaze||Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 7/27/2003|
|Ah so we get to see the very beginning of everything...nice start to the story. I really like the brothers younger. Poor Legolas! Thranduil is doing a great job so far without Lorellin. I love to see this earlier story develop many of the themes that occur later on. In the chronologically later stories, it seems as if Thranduil has never quite gotten over the death of his wife (as no one really does) but now we get to see how Legolas helped with it. I hope to see Eilian soon as I imagine we will :)|
|Nilmandra||Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 7/27/2003|
|There is so much pain in this chapter, and we have not even seen Eilian's yet! Oh, Thranduil is lost and Ithilden feels guilty and little Legolas just doesn't know what to think. |
I see a sad story coming, but with hope, always with hope.