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| Useless Heroes, Uselesser Villains by Virtuella | 35 Review(s) |
|---|---|
| PSW | Reviewed Chapter: 8 on 8/2/2025 |
| I just laughed and laughed. Thx so much for this! :-) | |
| Lindelea | Reviewed Chapter: 8 on 7/19/2025 |
| Hah! "Bless your cotton socks." Would hobbits construe such a useless blessing as an insult, I wonder? If so, Pippin's insults (a la "I hadn't noticed") are even funnier. Pippin's lessened enthusiasm is noticeable; otherwise, I imagine he'd've described automatic motion-activated spotlights instead of the rather mundane "bright lights". Ah. You have invoked the "famous last words" trope. An ancient sorcerer really ought to know better. I was hoping to see Bergil bring the leaves and say something pithy (or maybe snarky), "out of the mouth of babes" sort of stuff. However, the long conversation by the dying Éowyn's bedside is particularly well described. (Make haste? What does that mean when it's at home?) No maps, and no one to ask for directions. That is, if Frodo were inclined to ask for directions. Which (as I have had Sam observe at one point), being a gentlehobbit and, thus, above such mundane matters, he would not be. Let's just set fire to the place. How about a few fireworks for a capper? So Sauron's a Harry Potter fan? (Or perhaps he hopes to pick up some tips from he who nobody names.) Loved the mention of the darling table, by the way. ...and the partying went on. That certainly sounds like a happy ending... What could go wrong? | |
| shirebound | Reviewed Chapter: 8 on 7/12/2025 |
| *applauds* What a delight! And at least Sauron got to enjoy one last lavender and rosemary bubble bath before The End. Such a fun tale. | |
| Lady Forlong | Reviewed Chapter: 8 on 7/12/2025 |
| “Crafting strong light sources is a feat completely unheard of in all the history of Arda.” Gandalf forgot about Feanor, didn’t he? A nazgul, squeamish about blood. Sure, why not? LOL “I, of course, cannot be killed.” Famous last words, literally. I can’t believe I read the whole thing and I still haven't died laughing. That must prove that it really is impossible to do so. Came close, though. Sorry the fun is over. Maybe you should write a sequel (or at least an epilogue) about the "Scouring of the Shire." ;) | |
| Fimbrethil | Reviewed Chapter: 8 on 7/12/2025 |
| Well, that’s that sorted then. But make sure to watch your back, what with all those ancient blades that we’ve seen of late. I, of course, cannot be killed.” Oh, shut up and make haste,” barked Gandalf ‘The Procrastinator’ White. “You are just a minor character; leave the rambling to us. And we don’t need to hear from you either, Herb Master. We are quite capable of droning on about ancient lore ourselves, thank you very much.” Ioreth and the Herb Master left the chamber and made their way to the herb stores, where they spent a few minutes venting about the abominable rudeness of those intruders. However, being professionals and capable of multi-tasking [But can they? I thought Gandalf wanted less talk and more speed, and Aragorn as well. As did Imrahil and Éowyn, and Pippin.], they simultaneously located the required herbs, wrapped them up in a cloth and made a note in the record book Some time later, having pulled Faramir back from the brink of death, Aragorn and Gandalf sat by the bedside of a grievously wounded Éowyn and enjoyed a lengthy chat about the woman’s life story and her virtues of character and person. After half an hour or so, they were interrupted by Éomer coughing pointedly. “I am ever so sorry to disturb your fascinating discourse, gentlemen, and I do of course agree heartily with you about the merits of my sister, but wasn’t there something about making haste?” Gandalf frowned, but at least Aragorn had the decency to look embarrassed and speedily began to crumble the athelas into the water basin. “Oh, rats,” he said. “It’s gone cold. Get someone to bring us new hot water.” Éomer shook his head in despair. [Ah. heehee. So switching the merrits of Ioreth and the Healer with Aragorn and Gandalf.] Heehee this is pretty funny, and you are absolutely right about all the coincidences in the original story. | |
| Fimbrethil | Reviewed Chapter: 7 on 7/7/2025 |
| You say ‘actually’ way too often, Gandalf,” Theoden pointed out. “That’s not actually true, Theoden, I only actually – oh.” “Never mind,” butted in Aragorn in a valiant attempt to save the wizard’s face. “This is actua– this is my Seeing Stone, what with me being King of Gondor and all, so hand it over, will you?” “Of course, of course,” muttered Gandalf, only marginally flustered. Not wanting to blow my own trumpet,” said Aragorn after dinner, while Legolas passed round the little chocolates wrapped in gold foil, “but I did an extremely clever thing this afternoon. I revealed myself to Sauron in the palantír and challenged him to a telepathic tussle. Now he knows there’s a king in Gondor again, which will make him attack Minas Tirith instantly and thus draw his forces away from Mordor and from Frodo. Am I a strategic genius or what?” “Isn’t that going to be a bit unpleasant for the poor people of Minas Tirith, though?” asked Theoden. “Nah, they have me to defend them now,” replied Aragorn with a regal shrug. “But you are three hundred miles away from Minas Tirith.” “So I am, rats. You wouldn’t happen to know of any shortcut?” “Oh, that reminds me,” piped up Elladan. “Dad says to tell you that there is a brilliant shortcut, but I’m supposed to be really ominous and portentous about it, so here goes…” “Isn’t that exactly the same distance?” asked Aragorn after the shortcut was explained. “Probably, but it gives you a chance to be all kingy and destiny-ridden.” “Okay then.” … Yes, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt by now, it’s this: The only way useless heroes can win is if the villains are even uselesser.” “More useless, precious, more useless,” muttered Gollum. … Also Shadowfax! heehee. And Faramir… | |
| Fimbrethil | Reviewed Chapter: 6 on 7/7/2025 |
| Ah, Théoden, Gandalf, and Saruman leaving the palentír where he did. And did I mention I liked how the guys in Mordor said “They’re taking the Hobbit’s to Isengard!”? And the guys assuming Pippin has the Ring. | |
| Fimbrethil | Reviewed Chapter: 5 on 7/7/2025 |
| Aragorn is…stupid here. especially on the river. That Rohan conversation was pretty good. | |
| Fimbrethil | Reviewed Chapter: 4 on 7/7/2025 |
| Celeborn is crazy. And yet, he was actually right. Feanor watches possibly no longer jealous, amazed, and possibly awed. | |
| Fimbrethil | Reviewed Chapter: 3 on 7/7/2025 |
| haha *snort snort* Boromir’s…attitude. For lack of a better word. Strange that some of those reasons and answers actually make sense. | |