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| The Fourth Son by The Ent | 2 Review(s) |
|---|---|
| fan81981 | Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 3/8/2004 |
| I must say that the summary caught my line caught my eye when I saw it. I am usually interested in Aragorn's line (except for him) but I am interested in seeing you keep to canon and still tell your plot of this fourth son. It sounds exciting - trolls, orcs, learning and elves. Nice work on the summary - not too many people pay attention to it. I am glad you did. "A kind spring sun was shining down on the valley of Rivendell." I really liked this line. It sounds like a nice place this valley as you describe it. I wish I could do descriptions like this - it really sets the mood. (The wet man was nice too. *grin*) Before I continue I wanted to ask - when was Imladris/Rivendell founded? And was it "hidden"/secret or did that just happen in the Third Age? It is a bit sad to realise that the ties between Men and Elves really faded by the time of the War of the Ring. The image of the boys playing together and ruining Elrond's lawns really brought that home. Sorry for this para by para review - but I just had to say that I loved the image of the loving father. Isildur gets treated as some snarling villian post movie so it is nice to see another side to him. The image of him tearing up the grass and flowers in his haste was sweet - made me smile. Just one thing though - its minor but I thought I would mention it. I don't remember Tolkien ever using contractions in his speech. I might be wrong but don't/can't etc seem a bit modern for the setting. It is up to you but if you don't want to change it, it does not jar the tone too much. It is just a pet peeve of mine. I must say I didn't understand this line: "There were no sentries or other guards in sight, but Valandil wouldn't have wagered against there not being any around. After all, this valley of Rivendell was called the 'Last Homely House' by the people of the land. Though long age had taught Elrond wisdom and caution, this was his home not a citadel of men! " Does this mean that Imladris would be gaurded becasue it is Elrond's home and not a citadel? I would have thought a citadel would have been gaurded. Or are you saying that it is not obviously gaurded because it is a "home"? "People bowing to him like this always made him feel slightly silly and a mite embarrassed" - poor Valandil. It must be kind of weird for people to keep bowing whenever they see you. Kind of funny too. :) Nice beginning - I am off to read the rest. But it might take a while since I am work and ostensibly should be working. Fan81981 Author Reply: Thank you for your kind comments! The summary is an important part of a story, at least it seems that way to me. It's basically marketing on a small scale. I want people to become interested enough to read this. The 1st movie was in my mind when I started to write the first chapter. I'm trying to paint a mental picture with words. I'm thinking of Rivendell, I try to put myself there, then find words to describe it. "kind" just seemed to carry the right connotations, warmth, light, pleasant.... Somewhere, maybe "Unfinished tales" I remember reading - Rivendell was created by Elrond, using the ring Vilya. Founded II 1697. It was a secret, A hidden valley beneath the western Misty Mountains in Eriador. Here is the definition of the name Rivendell from the Encyclopedia of Arda; From archaic English riven dell, meaning a deeply cut valley. You never really get a feel for Isildur before he claims the ring. We know he is the son of Elendil, who is loyal to his king in Numenor. If you know about Sauron's first fall from grace, then you may know that he talked those who beat him into trying to invade the Valar, {Iluvatar's children who came to earth. Talk about a fools errand!} These people were Numenoreans. The rule was that no people were allowed to step foot on Valar. Sauron and those he tricked did just that, and Numenor was sank into the sea. Elendil was smart enough to jet before they reached Valar, so was still able to get to middle earth. That's a condensed version. My point is that this family is smart, strong and loyal. Anyone possessing these qualities can't but help being a decent parent. Do these qualities ever change? Not to my mind. I also have 3 kids. I often look into myself as reference for characters. The para by para is really pretty cool, I don't mind a bit! If something was in my way I'd run right over it, to help my kids, I have in fact. There were several parts of the first couple chapters that are supposed to make you smile, they make me smile. I want the reader to enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing! An author wants their reader to be caught up in the story! I don't recall ever seeing contractions in Tolkiens work. So, since I was going over some earlier mistakes in what's published, I've been dropping those as well, I'm up to chapter 4. Thanks for the reality check. Rivendell has many names, I've counted five, The first homely house among them. So it seems to me that it would be the only one by sometime in the 3rd age, though I may be a bit premature in that. Take Beorn's hall for instance, from The Hobbit. There would have to be some type of security or it never would have lasted {Rivendell}. Between the movies and reading and a little deduction it would seem that there has to be some system for warning of an enemies advance. No where have I found or seen any mention of this. Remember Elrond holds a ring of power. Perhaps that is enough in itself. Then I consider some elements of my own story: Chapter 3, I think. Valandil is glad for posting guards at night, and "learning the lessons of those who made a mistake in chapters 1 and 2. Like Isildur not posting guards at night because the war was won 2 years earlier. And look at what such a place as Rivendell would be subjected to today. So, unknown or hidden guards make sense to me. In a man place, these security measures would be evident, gate guards, guards on the battlements, lockable gates and so on. The difference is that the Elves are more subtle and less foolish. They protect what is worth protecting. But my vision of these Elves is peace and love until they're backed into a corner. They realize that they are to be caretakers, not just plain takers in general. Hope this helps some. Sorry this got lengthy, just feel like I owe you something in return for your time. Thanks again! Stacy | |
| Jen Littlebottom | Reviewed Chapter: 1 on 3/1/2004 |
| An interesting idea for a story, but dragged down by formatting and typo issues. It would be a good idea for you to check your spelling and grammar. Things like 'Isuildur' instead of 'Isildur', and 'Meras' instead of 'Mearas' don't make a good first impression on your readers. I'd also suggest that you use italics for thoughts rather than brackets. It's quite easy to put in italics on this site - use html coding, < i > and < /i > (remove spaces), to mark the words you want italicised. Author Reply: Thank you, Thank you , Thank you! I've been waiting for someone to post a review. I knew there had to be some problems, but have no one to beta for me. I have changed some things (ie learned and or caught) as I've gone along. I haven't ghanged anything posted, though. Typo's and spelling I've tried to catch, but spellcheck makes a crappy beta reader! And yes, I reread what I've written. Still, though I miss things. I have tried to find a beta, posted a request on yahoo-Stories of Arda, and just like asking for a review, got no replies. I had the first chapter published. While trying to find a beta, I had like 4 chapters written. Finally, I got too itcthy and started publishing. I have been pretty upset about not getting any reviews. It's been like, 2 months! It dosen't take long to say Your story S****! But being ignored is even worse. I have changed thoughts to Italics, and caught a couple spelling problems, hopefully I caught them all. But like I said, I haven't changed any thing already published. I will address these issues, and hopefully reading this story will be fun. Thank you again for your time! I hope you'll contine to post reviews for myself and everyone else. Stacy Feel free to email me at sld@slderrick.com Author Reply: Went over it on 3/08/04 | |