Not So Happy Returns

by Soledad

Disclaimer: see in the Foreword.

Author’s notes: I know this is not consistent with L&C; but that is all right. I take the creative freedom of ignoring some aspects of the Ardaverse in my stories; if that makes this tale an AU, then so be it.

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December 06 – The Offering

Aracáno returned from Tavrobel in a strangely subdued mood. After he had kept giving Meril odd looks for a few days, she decided that enough was enough and chose to confront him directly. For that purpose, she invited him for a walk in her gardens. Just the two of them – unless any of the Maiar were eavesdropping unclad, which she would not put beyond them. They were a meddlesome lot at the best of times.

“So Ara,” she said. “Now that we are alone, would you tell me what is wrong? You have been acting strangely, ever since your return. What happened to you in Tavrobel?”

“N-nothing,” he answered reluctantly. “Just something Uncle Arfin said…”

“And what would that be in particular?” asked Meril. “I am sure he told you a great many things. Which one troubles you?”

“That the Maiar said you are supposed to become the Queen of Tol Eressëa,” said Aracáno. “And that you would not take Fin back. Is it true?”

“I have been the Queen of Tol Eressëa in all but crown and title since I returned from Ennorath, so there is nothing new in that,” replied Meril calmly. “As for your brother: yea, it is true. The Valar may do with him as they please; keep him or release him, ‘tis all the same to me. I no longer have need of him.”

“But-but he is your husband!” reminded her Aracáno.

“My husband died in the Battle of Unnumbered Tears; and even before that, he was never truly mine,” returned Meril sharply. “Our hröar were bound in marriage, that is true, but his fëa was always bound to Nelyafinwë’s. Had I not been so young and inexperienced, had I not been so much in love with him, I would have seen it. I should never have married him in the first place. There were always three in our marriage: me, him and the ghost of Nelyafinwë.”

“But surely he has changed in Mandos,” said Aracáno. “We all have. You could begin your life anew.”

“I do not want a new life,” answered Meril. “I reshaped my life in his absence to my liking, and I am not changing back to what it used to be.”

Aracáno stared at her in shocked disbelief. “You no longer love him?”

Meril shrugged. “Oh I still do... in a manner. Which is why I shall set him free. We will both do better without each other.”

“That would mean a lonely life, though,” he said softly.

“Which would be different from my current life how exactly?” she asked with a mirthless smile. “Or from my marriage, for that matter? When was I not lonely since marrying him? Did you know that he left me behind, pregnant with our fourth child, to go and search for Nelyafinwë?”

Aracáno shook his head in mute horror. Such a thing was sheer unimaginable among Elves. An elleth with child needed the constant support of her husband, weakened as she was through giving much of her life energy to the child growing inside her. That Findecáno would leave his wife alone with that burden…

“Well, he did,” said Meril dryly. “And after your atar’s death in the Bragollach, he sent me and our youngest to Círdan. For our protection, he said. My older sons were dead, and he sent me away, so that he could go to war with Nelyafinwë without having to worry about my safety.”

“He meant well,” Aracáno tried to defend his brother.

“Yea; and all paths leading to Mandos are paved with good intentions,” Meril snorted derisively. “Nay; I can gladly let go of such a husband: one who never truly cared for me.”

“Do you truly believe the Valar would allow you to dissolve your marriage as Anatar did?” he asked doubtfully. “Or that Findecáno would agree to remain in Mandos to set you free?”

Meril shrugged. “Probably not; but since I have no intentions to marry again, I am not planning to ask them, either. Findecáno will be free to pursue other interests, as far as I am concerned. And I vindicate the same right for myself.”

“But if you do not wish to choose a new husband…” Aracáno began uncertainly.

“I can always choose a consort,” she interrupted. “I do not want to bear further children – five were quite enough, thank you very much – so there will be no legal considerations.”

“The Valar still would not like it,” he warned.

Meril shrugged again. “So what? Are they sending me into exile? I already live in exile, so that would make no true difference.”

“I am sure you would be allowed to return to Tirion if you wanted,” he said.

Meril nodded with a grimace. “So am I. But that is not the exile I meant.”

“You would wish to return to Endórë?” Aracáno realized.

He did not know why that surprised him so much. All former Exiles seemed to have a sheer irresistible longing for the Outer Lands, Reborn and returnees alike.

“I would go back in a moment,” Meril confessed. “Despite the darkness and the danger that surrounded us, I never felt so free in my entire life. That is why I chose to remain here. I could never survive in the gilded cage of Tirion. Not after I have tasted true freedom.”

“Why did you return then at all?” he asked. “You could have stayed in Endórë; in Lindon, where your son was King.”

“That I could have,” she agreed. “But my older sons were dead, and regardless of my feelings, or rather the lack of any true feelings towards their atar, I wanted to see them again. And I wanted to see my daughters, too, whom I had left behind at a tender age with their daernaneth. I did not truly have any other choice. I wish I had, but I did not.”

“I wish I had lived long enough to at least see Endórë,” said Aracáno wistfully. “It must have been a wondrous land, if all of you are yearning for it so much.”

“It was,” Meril nodded. “Beautiful and dangerous and amazing and deadly – and part of me will always remain in the lands that now lay under the Sea,” she sighed and gave him a sad smile. “I would share my memories with you if you wanted. I would share everything with you.”

Aracáno looked at her in surprise. “What do you mean with everything?”

“I mean: stay here with me,” she replied. “Stay here and share with me my house, my work, my life – my bed if you want. Here, and here alone, we can be ourselves. Not Merilindë and Aracáno, the proper little wife and dismissed little brother of the great hero of Beleriand, but Meril and Argon; the Lady of the Isle and his consort.”

“You want me to become your consort?” Aracáno could not quite trust his ears.

Meril shrugged. “I do. Why does it surprise you so much? Have you not always been the one to comfort me in my loneliness, when I sat alone at home while Findecáno was out a-hunting with his cousins? Have you not practically lived under our roof before we up and left for Endórë? Have you not loved me secretly for yéni, hoping that no-one will notice?”

“I did,” he answered slowly, “and it was wrong. You were bound to my brother.”

“I was,” she agreed. “Yet now I am not. I shall not take him back, no matter what. If your feelings towards me have changed in Mandos, I respect that; in that case, I will find someone else to share my life, eventually. I would prefer it to be you, though, if you would still have me; for you have always been part of my life.”

“I-I cannot give you an answer just yet,” said Aracáno after a lengthy pause. “’Tis true that I have loved you since I grew out of childhood; and changed I may have in Mandos in many ways, that part of my heart has not changed. But this goes against everything I was taught in my previous life; and I have not spent yéni in Endórë where things are, I understand, handled differently. I am greatly confused and will have to think about this very carefully; for any mistake we may make will have consequences that would last to the end of Arda.”

“That is all right,” replied Meril gently. “Take your time. I am used to waiting; and whatever you decide, I will accept.”

~Fin~