Troll Courtship

Middle-earth belongs to Tolkien, I merely borrowed his smelly troll.

A troll went a-courting, he did walk, uh-huh

A troll went a-courting, he did walk

He was reeking like a badger and could barely talk

A troll went a-courting, he did walk, uh-huh

He came to the cave of his fair belle, uh-huh

He came to the cave of his fair belle

Feeling reasonably sure she wouldn't mind his smell

He came to the cave of his fair belle, uh-huh

He put a rotten bone upon her knee, uh-huh

He put a rotten bone upon her knee

And said, “Fair Gladys, will you marry me?”

He put a rotten bone upon her knee, uh-huh

Fair Gladys stuck the bone right down his throat, uh-huh

Fair Gladys stuck the bone right down his throat

And said, “Gawds, Bill, I would prefer a goat.”

Fair Gladys stuck the bone right down his throat, uh-huh

“Oh, Gladys,” he began but then was lost for words, uh-huh

“Oh, Gladys,” he began but then was lost for words

For it's hard to talk when your throat still hurts

“Oh, Gladys,” he began but then was lost for words, uh-huh

“Begone, stinky Bill,” she said and grinned, uh-huh

“Begone, stinky Bill,” she said and grinned

“Or I'll call a wizard who'll turn you to flint.”

“Begone, stinky Bill,” she said and grinned, uh-huh

He hit her with his club as is the custom still, uh-huh

He hit her with his club as is the custom still

To prove that as a lover he was strong of will

He hit her with his club as is the custom still, uh-huh

“Well, I might change my mind,” Gladys said and sighed, uh-huh

“Well, I might change my mind,” Gladys said and sighed

If you bring me a brace of roasted dwarf tonight

“I might change my mind,” Gladys said and sighed, uh-huh

So Bill got his two best mates roped in, uh-huh

So Bill got his two best mates roped in

They smelled marginally better but were just as dim

So Bill got his two best mates roped in, uh-huh

They had a stroke of luck and found some dwarves quite soon, uh-huh

They had a stroke of luck and found some dwarves quite soon

They looked yummy and would certainly make Gladys swoon

They had a stroke of luck and found some dwarves quite soon, uh-huh

But it's ludicrously easy to outwit a troll, uh-huh

But it's ludicrously easy to outwit a troll

And a sneaky little voice held all three in thrall

But it's ludicrously easy to outwit a troll, uh-huh

They didn't realise the dwarves were not alone, uh-huh

They didn't realise the dwarves were not alone

And eventually the morning light turned them to stone

They didn't realise the dwarves were not alone, uh-huh

So all of Billy's courting was in vain, uh-huh

So all of Billy's courting was in vain

And Gladys is still waiting for her swain

So all of Billy's courting was in vain, uh-huh

The moral of the story is a simple one, uh-huh

The moral of the story is a simple one

If you want to say yes, say it and be done

The moral of the story is a simple one, uh-huh