Chapter Four: Leavetaking

Gandalf finally returned and with the most evil tidings. He told me all about the Ring and that the entire Shire was in peril if it remained. So I learned I had to leave everything and everyone, but you, dear Sam. I had to flee from my home into danger and peril that I didn’t believe I would even survive. I offered the Ring to Gandalf, but he refused to take it. He was actually frightened by it, frightened by what he could do with it, what it could do to him. And that terrified me. If the power of the Ring was too much for even a wizard to withstand, how could I, a small hobbit, possibly do it? It had to be destroyed and I already knew even before leaving that I couldn’t bear to part with it. I tried and it just ended up in my pocket again, but Gandalf trusted me and so I trusted in his trust. And I trusted you, dearest Sam. I was glad not to be alone and I was so afraid. What dangers were out there already hunting for me? It was as though I saw a hand reaching out for me even at Bag End, reaching out for the Ring. I think if I knew then what was hunting us, I would have hid and never left and that would have been disastrous because there is no hiding from the Ring. The Eye was bent toward me even then and I knew it was seeking me. I had dreamed it. There would have been no escape. There is no escape even now for me. Gandalf told me that if used the Ring a lot, I would fade forever and walk in a twilight world under the Dark Power, that sooner or later the Ring would devour me, no matter what I did, if it wasn’t destroyed. I fear that has come true. The Ring is gone, but there is nothing left to me now but the emptiness of where it used to be.

My heart quailed within me as Gandalf told me all and I knew what I had to do. I had to protect the Shire. I had to protect you, because for worse, or better, I didn’t know which, you were caught spying, hauled in by the ear and received your punishment by coming with me. You, of course, saw it as a reward and I love you for it, but I was not so sure. I didn’t want you to be going into such deadly danger as I was about to enter. But you have faithfully served me all these many years and I could not ask for a more loyal, trustworthy companion. You were thrilled by the idea of seeing Elves. Were your tears over that anticipated joy or had all you heard scared you as much as it scared me? I hope it was the former.

I hated the idea that Lobelia and Lotho would finally sink their claws into Bag End. I sensed their predatory anticipation and glee the moment I signed the papers. How it galled me to do and see that! I couldn’t bear the thought of them being in the same place that Bilbo and I loved so dearly. Even if I did return, I wouldn’t have this home to return to. It made the leaving even more bitter, but it was necessary. I had to leave in secret. It was hard to walk around Bag End that last time, the day after Our Birthday. I looked into every room, now so empty and forlorn looking. I waved and said goodbye to it that night, believing I would never see again. I must soon do that again and know that this time I truly will never see it again, but I leave it in the best hands possible this time. Lobelia blessed me so greatly when she gave it back to me. I have already walked around many times at night, when I know you are asleep, so I don’t have to tell you what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. The rooms are full again of many beloved objects that I look at in the moonlight or give a caress to.

I hated all the fuss Merry, Pippin, Fatty and Folco made to pack everything up and then Merry and Fatty leaving to make sure Crickhollow would be welcoming to me. I dreaded to tell them that I couldn’t stay. That I was fleeing from terrible danger into terrible danger. At least I had the comfort that they would be safe here at home. Or so I thought. This time there will be no packing. I am not taking anything with me. It will all be yours, my Sam, and it should be.

I was worried about Gandalf not showing up that first time I left. He said he would come back no later than Our Birthday, but we celebrated that without him and finally couldn’t bear waiting around anymore. Had the hand I felt reaching out for me already ensnared him? I didn’t know. And there was that odd inquiry that your Gaffer got just as we were leaving. All of it was making me very nervous and I just had to get away, Gandalf or no Gandalf. We set out upon the Road.The path has been very dark at times, it still is, but you were and are beside me for so much of it, lighting my way. Know, my brother, that I will light yours when you are ready to come over the Sea.

 * * *

I never thought when Mr. Merry asked me to keep my eyes and ears open for him regarding you that summer that I would hear such things as I did that night from Mr. Gandalf. The most terrible things I had ever heard, but the worst was that you would be leaving. That was the most frightening thing of all, that you were going into danger and that you would be going without me! I couldn’t help myself and I’m glad that I was caught, though being hauled in by Mr. Gandalf did get me that scared he would turn me into something.

I should have been punished for spying on you, but I received the best reward I could get - I would be going with you. I could not have borne it otherwise. And I was going to see the Elves! I couldn’t have been more thrilled. None of us knew the road ahead of us, but we were going on it together. I have loved you, my dear, from the first moment I saw you and that has only grown through all these years and how it grew during the time we were on the Quest. The path has been very dark at times, but you were beside me for so much of it, lighting my way.