Chapter Eight

"Estel?" Elrond asked softly.

Estel jumped slightly, then turned to face his father. "I'm sorry, Ada," he burst out.

Elrond didn't think he was apologizing for not seeing his father approach. "What are you sorry for, Estel?"

"I'm sorry for disobeying you, Ada. You were right; I'm not ready to be out there. I don't know if I ever will be."

Elrond gazed calmly at his son. This was quite a turnaround, but he should have expected something like this. "Why do you say that? From what your brothers tell me, you did quite well out there. You did far better than many grown elves would have in your place."

"I didn't," Estel ground out, turning away. "I was scared, Ada." The last was said in a whisper. "I was so scared. The orc was going to kill me. If Elladan and Glorfindel hadn't been there…"

Elrond swallowed suddenly. The thought that his son had nearly died out there tormented him, but he had to approach this calmly. Facing the fact that your life could end very abruptly in battle was something that all warriors had to face, even elves, but it was never an easy thing. "Estel, listen to me. You did very well. You were very brave in luring the orcs away from your brothers. All soldiers feel fear, my son. A good warrior will keep fighting despite the fear. Elladan tells me that when it looked like you were about to die, you grabbed your knife and poisoned the orc. You kept fighting. You did not let your fear stay your hand. As long as you can keep fighting, there is a chance for escape. Bravery is not the lack of fear, but the ability to keep going despite your fear. There is certainly no shame in being afraid on the battlefield, my son. I cannot even tell you the number of times I have felt fear strike at my heart. I have feared for my own life, and more often, for the lives of those I love. There is no shame in that, Estel." Elrond repeated himself several times trying to get the words to sink into Estel's mind. He could not let Estel think that he had failed them by being afraid.

Estel glanced up at his father, the sheen of unshed tears glistening in his eyes. Elrond could tell that he wanted desperately to believe what his father was telling him. Elrond let him see the truth in his own eyes, then pulled his son into his arms. Estel rested his head against Elrond's shoulder, and clung tight to his father.

"Ada?" Estel's soft voice was muffled in Elrond's robes. "I did not like killing. I know the orcs are evil, and don't deserve to live, but they were just lying there when we killed them. Because of the poison, they couldn't fight back, and we just put them down, like you would a rabid dog."

Elrond closed his eyes. He might have known there was more bothering his son than the fact that he had been afraid. But he did not have nearly so easy an answer here. "I understand how difficult that was for you, Estel. I wish you had not had to take a life so soon. This is the hardest thing a warrior will ever have to come to terms with. All I can tell you is what you already know. Orcs were created with only evil intent in mind. They will never be anything but evil, they are not capable of feeling love, only hate. They hate all those who do not serve evil, and they even hate many of their own. They will never be able to feel a gentle emotion, Estel. You found a very apt comparison. In many ways, orcs are like rabid dogs. They will kill any being to cross their path. If you had given them the antidote, they would have turned and tried to slit your throat. You were being merciful by giving them a quick death, Estel. Beyond that, I have no answers. I hope you never easily take a life, even that of an orc. I do not want you to ever be comfortable with dealing out death, for that would mean you had lost your soul to the love of battle. I could not bear to see that happen to you. So mourn when you are forced to take a life. But in war, do not hesitate because you do not want to kill. That will only get you killed. You must find a balance for yourself between fighting for your life and the lives of those you are trying to protect, and treasuring life the way I know you do." Elrond sighed heavily. "You have come across one of the great questions of life for which there are no answers Estel. I cannot tell you how to feel, or how to handle this. You must figure your way through this on your own. But I will always be here to listen whenever you want to talk through it, or anything else."

Elrond pulled back and looked his son in the face. "Remember that, Estel. I will always be here for you."

"Even when I disobey you?" Estel looked at his father, and let the smallest of smiles turn up the edges of his lips. He was so relieved that his father did not think less of him for being afraid, or for having a problem with killing the orcs.

"Yes, Estel, I will even be here for you when you disobey me. There is nothing you could do to cause me to stop loving you. Do you not know that by now?" Elrond was glad to see a spark of life in his son's eyes again. He would have a difficult time coming to terms with the battle, but he would find his way through it. Estel just shrugged, and Elrond continued. "That does not mean, however, that you will not be punished for your disobedience. I think that a week of kitchen duty would suffice, once your wrist is healed, of course."

"Of course, Ada," Estel answered. He had gotten off lighter than he had expected.

"But, though you disobeyed my orders, you managed to prove your point quite clearly, Estel."

"Ada?" Estel was unsure of his father's meaning.

"You proved your skills on the battlefield, Estel. I have no choice but to admit that you are growing up. You are a fine young man, and you will obviously make a fine warrior. I will not stand in your way any longer. When your brothers next ride with the Dúnedain, you will accompany them."

Estel's eyes widened. "Do you really think I am ready, Ada?"

"Yes, Estel, I do."

"Very well, Ada. You know best." Estel bowed his head toward his father, and Elrond could see the sparkle of excitement in his eyes.

"There is one other small issue that we need to discuss, ion-nin."

"Yes, Ada?"

"When you are running from an enemy, never look over your shoulder, Estel. It slows you down, and you are then unable to see the path in front of you."

Estel had to laugh at that. He reached up to rub his forehead ruefully. "Trust me, that is a lesson I will never forget, Ada."

Elrond draped his arm around his son's shoulders and turned to look back over the valley. Things were changing, but all was well. His sons were safe at home, and they would all help Estel get through the aftermath of his first battle. By the time spring came around, when the twins next planned to join the Dúnedain, Estel would be more than ready to head out of Imladris once more.

The End