Chapter 11:  Baptism

Sam was very glad to see Gandalf make one of his visits to Bag End that autumn. The colors were changing and the entire Shire looked so beautiful in the gold, red and oranges that bedecked the trees and covered the ground. Frodo was glad too. Relieved was more like, the gardener thought, and wondered what that meant. But he was relieved too as he knew that his brother received solace from the wizard that no one else was able to give.

Gandalf looked over now at the stricken hobbit who stared down at the ground as they walked along. His feet were nearly buried in the fallen leaves, but the wizard didn’t think Frodo saw any of that. "The burden has not eased any," the Maia observed with an ache in his heart that had been only growing greater.

Frodo sighed. "No, not really. Sam has been a marvel, but too much has happened. I’m still sick on the 6^th and 13^th. I fear so much that I will never get better. Sam still has hope and I think I would die if he didn’t, but I feel as though I am merely existing, not truly living. I’m tired, Gandalf, I’m so very tired."

"Would you like to scream?" he asked.

"Yes," came the soft, immediate answer, "very much."

They stopped. Gandalf knelt and gently took his friend into his arms. Frodo placed his hands on the wizard’s shoulders and threw his head back and screamed until he was nearly hoarse, then he buried his face in the wizard’s robes. Gandalf held him for a long time, murmuring comforts and prayers and blessings. He felt the power of Iluvatar cover them both and finally Frodo calmed some and they were able to continue on their walk, the Ring-bearer’s maimed hand held in the Maia’s.

"I’m sorry, Frodo," the wizard said. "I knew when you accepted the Ring, it would not be easy for you."

Frodo’s eyes flared suddenly and he withdrew his hand from his friend’s grasp. "You knew this would destroy me, but you still let me take it? Do you have any idea what it’s been like all this time? To have to do this twice? It has not ceased to twist, torment, taunt and torture me since you first told me I had to take it out of the Shire. I’ve lost myself in it. It’s gone, but it’s still in me! And you already knew it would be this way?"

Gandalf absorbed Frodo’s anger calmly. "You already knew some of what it was capable of too, before you accepted the burden. But you still came forward and you came forward out of love and goodness, accepting Iluvatar’s will for you as I did. That is why I admire you so much, my friend. You said yes. And, I will say my heart did break for you, but I knew Eru did not choose unwisely."

Frodo was not mollified. "Did it continue to break as mine did nearly every step of the way as I was torn apart? Is it still breaking as mine is? All this time, Gandalf, I have felt myself dying inside. The violation in the fire was so horrible I wished I would die and I felt that twice! I failed twice. And it’s not over - it’s still hurting me and I still want it after all it’s done and is still doing to me! If you knew all this would happen, why didn’t you stop it?"

"I had no right to stop it. If I had, I would be betraying the One Who sent me. You knew what was at stake as well as I did. Do you now wish you had said no?"

Frodo was silent for a long time. "No," he said very softly. "That is the one thing I am grateful for out of all this, that my friends were spared. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much. I wish I could have just thrown it in and that would have been the end of it."

"So do we all, dear boy, but there is a plan and purpose for everything. We may not see it at once or maybe not even until we pass from this life, but there is a reason all happens as it does. And to answer your earlier question, yes, my heart still breaks for you. I dare say even the heart of Iluvatar Himself breaks for you, but He chose you, out of all His children, to be the last Ring-bearer, to do what He had created you to do. We had no hope in anyone else. And while I feared greatly for you, I also knew hobbits to be full of surprises, you not the least. You were gentle and loving and full of light. I knew the Ring would find the least amount of purchase in you or Sam because of that and it was made clear to me, and to you, if I’m not mistaken, that you were meant to be the one. It is not your fault that you could not endure the last assault at the end."

Gandalf stopped, placed his hands on Frodo’s shoulders and waited until the tormented hobbit looked up at him. "Understand this, Frodo, no one could withstood that. I’ve told you that before. You need to believe that if you don’t believe anything else. You think it’s some great personal failure of yours, but, my dear hobbit, it is not. You actually succeeded far more than anyone could have."

Frodo looked up, then away. "I don’t know if I can believe that. I wanted to succeed, but I don’t think I did. It was an accident that the Ring got destroyed, not anything I did. I didn’t even want it destroyed in the end."

"But still you went on and got it to the place where it could be. None of this was an accident, Frodo. You were given the strength and grace to endure for a specific task set out only for you to accomplish from the very beginning of the Song. Sam was given different strengths and graces to be beside you, to love, shelter and guide you. Do you think your friendship was mere chance? No, Iluvatar had plans for the both of you from the very beginning. He even used Smeagol’s lust for the Ring to accomplish His ends. Sometimes the innocent and good are hurt very badly by evil and even the One grieves that it so, but He has always been there to help you carry your burden, Frodo. He has been with you every step of your journey and is still with you. You could not have survived it otherwise and you thought you were stubborn!"

Frodo smiled faintly. "Maybe He has some Baggins blood in Him."

Gandalf laughed. "No, my dear boy, it is you that carry His life within your blood. He gave you your stubbornness, your beauty, your love for life and the woods and clean air and green grass and all you hold in you for your friends and family. He gave you reasons to fight for each breath as you made it to the one place with the one thing only you could have carried. He knew it would tear you apart before the end, but He had His other children beside you so they could aid you. When you could no longer stand, He bore you in His arms. Sam was not the only one who carried you up that mountain. There’s no way he could have done that. And Eru continues to hold you. You have never been alone in this struggle."

"I know, but sometimes I feel like I am." Frodo looked up at his dear friend. "Why was I chosen, Gandalf? If He gave me so much strength, why couldn’t He give me the strength to throw it in myself? I don’t think Sam would have failed. I can’t imagine Pippin being vanquished or Merry."

Gandalf looked straight into those tormented eyes. "You know very well that you can imagine that. That’s what some of your nightmares have been about, haven’t they?"

Frodo looked stunned. "How do you know that? I haven’t told anyone that."

Gandalf smiled gently. "My dearest hobbit, I know your heart. And Iluvatar knows it even better. He gave you the strength that was needed for your task. Just as he gave Sam what he needed and Aragorn and Merry and Pippin and myself and everyone else for tasks we were all set to do. But he also gave you freedom. You didn’t have to say yes to Him, but you did. There were times, too, you said ‘no’, but many thousands more when you continued to say ‘yes’. Each step you took was another one. When you said ‘no’ at the Fire, while the Ring was at the zenith of its power and you at your nadir, Eru still allowed a ‘yes’ to be said, saying it for you through Smeagol, since you were no longer able to say it yourself."

Frodo was silent for a while. "I wish I could have said it myself. I wish I didn’t desire it still. This is no end to this pain, Gandalf, no end. I am lost in the dark. There is nothing here but the Ring of fire. That is all I see. I don’t know how to find my way back. I don’t even know if there is a way back. I’m not the person I used to be and I miss him."

"We all do, dear boy, but no living person is a static being. Change is inevitable and sometimes it is very painful, but do not look to those changes in fear, rather look at them with full hope that, as they arise, you will be delivered out of them and become the glorious being you were made to be. I don’t know why Iluvatar chose you, that is in His mind alone, but He did not choose you, then leave you to be broken without a chance to live with joy again. He has given you a choice. You may go West and search for the peace you cannot find here. He does not wish you to remain shattered."

Frodo absorbed these words as they slowly started back on their way again, his hand once again in his friend’s. He looked down at the ground. "I am humbled He would give me such a gift, but how can I leave Sam? Or Merry or Pippin or Bilbo? Or Elanor? I did this all for them. Sam has been at my side for more than thirty years, Merry even longer and Pippin is not even of age yet. How can I leave any of them, when they’ve done nothing but help me and love me?"

Gandalf did not answer, just looked at his friend and waited for him to continue. This could only be Frodo’s own decision. If talking it out would help, the wizard was happy to listen.

"But I also don’t see how I can stay," the hobbit continued. "I know it’s very selfish of me, but I am so tired of hurting and battling. I want rest, Gandalf, peace. I haven’t found it here, but in snatches. I want more, I need more, but how can I leave those I love the most, just on the hope of finding peace. What if I can’t even there?"

"If it can be found anywhere, it will be there, Frodo. And where have you gotten the idea that wanting to heal is selfish? That’s what we all want for you. If that means leaving, then they will grieve, but they will accept and they will be happy again one day. And you will grieve and then accept and be happy again if that is the path you choose. But you would not be leaving everyone. This offer extends to all Ring-bearers, not just you and I will be with you as well if you take the ship."

Frodo looked up at his friend, hope in his eyes and stirring in his heart. "Then Bilbo would come? And Sam?"

"Yes, but not necessarily at once. Bilbo yes, because he needs to heal and his time is too near here for him to stay within the Circles of the World much longer."

Frodo hung his head. "I feared it was so when I lost saw him. But Sam would come too?"

"After his time here is finished. It may not be for a long time, but he would be given the grace to join you as I know would be his dearest wish."

Frodo looked forward, seeing the beauty of the day for the first day and part of his burden lifted. "Then maybe I could find the strength to leave, if it comes to that, but still how could I leave my cousins?"

"Have you told them or Sam what is most tormenting you?" the wizard asked. "You don’t need to battle this alone. The struggle, and the decision to stay or not, would be easier if you had someone fighting with you."

The Ring-bearer lowered his head again. "Of course not, how can I tell them that their brother and cousin is actually some sort of twisted creature that still longs for the most terrible thing ever made? They are still so pure, Gandalf, especially Sam, so innocent. He is nothing but love. He is everything I used to be. They all went through so much, but are still light and love. I can’t ruin that." Frodo hung his head. "I just wish I wasn’t ruined," he finished softly.

Gandalf looked at his tormented friend. "You aren’t an evil person, Frodo, just because you long for something evil. You don’t want to long for it, do you?"

"No, of course not."

"You are still fighting it, aren’t you?"

"Yes, every day in every way I can, but it’s so hard and I’m getting so tired." He looked up at the wizard. "Shouldn’t it be getting easier?"

Gandalf raised an eyebrow. "My dear hobbit, who said it would be or should be easy? This is a warfare you are engaged in, Frodo, and that you are fighting so strongly is very encouraging, but this is not a battlefield you can leave while you are in this life."

Frodo groaned.

Gandalf placed his hands on the Ring-bearer’s shoulders and smiled when Frodo looked up. "I do not say that to discourage you, dearest hobbit, or cause you to despair, but to strengthen you. Every being has this struggle. You are not unique to it, though the burden of a Ring-bearer is the heaviest of any mortal being. Do not double the weight of it by trying to carry it alone."

"I’m too ashamed to tell them. I’m too afraid. It would kill me if I lost Sam’s love or my cousins’."

"You were terrified of the Ring, too, but you accepted the burden anyway. Sam helped you with that. He can help you with this also, but you have to reach out for that help. You have to take the first step. You didn’t let fear stop you before. Or is it pride that is stopping you this time?"

Frodo looked at his friend sharply as they continued on.

Gandalf smiled gently and squeezed his friend’s hand. "I hate to be the one to break this to you, but Frodo Baggins, you are not perfect. I know you think Sam and your cousins think you are and understandably adore you as much as you adore them, but you have failings and faults like anyone else. Sam especially knows that and wonder of wonders, he is loving you more all the time, isn’t he?"

A flicker of a smile teased the edges of Frodo’s mouth before disappearing. "Yes, I have yet to figure that out, but probably because he doesn’t know the worst."

"He has always seen you with the eyes of his heart.  True love is not blind.  It sees more, not less and because it sees more, it's willing to see less.  Don't fear you will ever lose his love or that of your cousins. You didn’t hesitate to tell me what was tormenting you. Obviously you didn’t worry about losing the love I have for you."

Frodo’s features twitched and a ghost of a smile appeared again. "I suppose not."

Gandalf placed his hand on the tormented hobbit’s shoulder and waited until Frodo looked up at him. "Then why be afraid of losing anyone else’s? Trust your friends more than you do. Their hearts are so wide and open and have been yours since they first met you. They won’t take them back now. I have been very grateful for the inbred Baggins’ stubbornness on many occasions, but now is not the time, dear boy. Believe in your own goodness..." Here Frodo opened his mouth to protest, but the wizard held up his finger. "Don’t you dare interrupt me and give me some nonsense that you have none left." Frodo closed his mouth again. "And then believe in them and their love and that of everyone else who cares about you. Iluvatar knows all your failings and still loves you more dearly than any other being possibly could. If you cannot hold onto anyone else through this, hold fast to His hand. He will lead you safely through all things. Either He will shield you from suffering or He will give you the strength to bear it. Be at peace and put aside all these anxious thoughts and imaginings."

The tortured Ring-bearer sighed. "You make it sound so easy."

Gandalf smiled. "It is, but only afterwards. Actually doing it is very hard. But so was going all the way to Mordor and you did that. You have to swallow all that pride the Ring infused in you and become a humble hobbit again. You have to let go of the fear or it will always be your master."

* * *

Sam took one look at his brother when he and the wizard returned shortly before dinner and knew that Frodo’s throat was bothering him. Without asking why, he made a mug of raspberry leaf tea with a healthy dollop of honey to help soothe it and then asked Gandalf if he could stay for dinner. Frodo looked a little guilty as he accepted the drink with soft thanks. 

"I’d be delighted," Gandalf said. Then he leaned down to gaze at Elanor in her highchair. "Ah, the fair Elanor," he said with a warm smile.

Elanor cooed and pulled at the wizard’s beard. Sam and Rosie looked rather scandalized, but Frodo smiled and the wizard laughed. Seeing that, Sam decided that his daughter could pull at it all night if it made his brother smile.

Dinner was one of cheer due to the instant connection wizard and child made. Frodo smiled more than once during the meal, fondly looking on those so dear to him.

When the meal was over, he retired to the parlor with his half-finished tea, while the other hobbits all helped clean up the kitchen and dining room. Gandalf watched Frodo thoughtfully. Once the Ring-bearer was left alone, he retreated back into himself, into the pain. Upon leaving the kitchen, Sam took the wizard aside and silently motioned him to come into the parlor. Frodo was staring into space, lost to all around him. The tea was already forgotten on the side table.

"He’s been doing that a lot," Sam said quietly to the wizard. "Either here or in the study. I’ll come in and see him like that. I wonder what he’s looking at. Sometimes his lips will be moving without saying anything out loud or he’ll be talking to himself. I find if I just sit with him that it seems to calm him and he’ll come back to himself. Sometimes I hold his hand and it’s so cold. I don’t know what else to do. I wish I could go with him to wherever he goes when he gets like this. Maybe I could help him more."

Frodo’s lips began to move and Sam strained to hear his beloved friend’s voice. "The Sea, the Sea, over the Sea...." the elder hobbit began to repeat over and over again, clutching the gem Arwen had given him so tightly his knuckles were nearly white.

"What does he mean?" Sam asked the wizard. "I’m so worried about him. I hate to see him suffering like this."

Gandalf took a long draw on his pipe. "The Ring scars all its bearers, Sam, some more than others. Frodo took upon himself a great burden, twice. There was no way he could escape unscathed from it. He is referring to the Elves leaving Middle-earth. They pass over the Sea."

That frightened the young hobbit for some reason. "I just wish things could go back as they were. That Frodo could go back to how he was."

"He can’t," Gandalf said. "Who he was was totally burned away. He has to learn to live with what he has endured, but that is a difficult task." He looked at Sam and smiled. "He is very lucky to have you at his side to help him."

Sam sighed. "I wish I could do more. I don’t think I am doing enough."

"You are already doing all you can," Gandalf assured the anxious hobbit. "Just continue to be his friend. The rest has to come from him."

"But he’s just not right, if you get my meaning. I keep hoping he’ll get better, but I am afraid he’s only getting worse and there’s nothing I can do but watch it happen. I don’t even know if Queen Arwen’s gift is working anymore. The whole thing is just so horrible."

Gandalf put his hand on Sam’s shoulder and Sam looked up at him, his eyes filled with tears. "Isn’t there anything that can be done for him?" he pleaded, heartbroken but still hoping.

The wizard looked at him, eyes warm with sympathy and understanding. "I know how you feel, my dear boy. I feel the same myself. The greatest suffering here on earth is to see people we love suffer and not to be able to do anything about it. I know, though, that Frodo greatly appreciates your friendship and love and support."

Sam smiled a little at that and wiped at his tears with the edge of his sleeve. "He’s got that, he’s always had it and he always will."

Gandalf smiled. "I know, Samwise. Thank you."

Sam smiled bravely back.

That night as he looked into at his brother to make sure he was sleeping, he saw that Frodo had one hand out from under the covers as though clasped around something. He was softly shining and looked beautiful and peaceful. Sam smiled. He smiled even more when Frodo was still sleeping the next morning and the water he always had beside him hadn’t been touched.

* * *

"It’s raining, Sam!" Frodo cried happily a few days later.

The gardener looked out the window and the rain streaming down the panes, then at his brother who looked as excited as a child. He started at that beaming face for a long moment.

"I’m going out in it," the elder hobbit announced.

"It’s pouring, dear!" Sam said, looking and sounding scandalized. "That’s fit for the flowers, not for hobbits. You’ll be soaked the moment you step out the door."

Frodo grinned. "Yes, dearheart, I know, in water! Please? I’ll just stay in the garden."

Sam laughed and shook his head. "You don’t need my permission, dear."

Frodo beamed. Sam watched him leave and shook his head again. Rose came up behind him. "He shouldn’t be out in all that, Sam dear."

The gardener turned and face his wife with a smile. "I’d not argue with you, my Rose. But did you see his face? Lit up like a child at Yule. Like it always used to be. It’s a warm rain and if getting a little wet is going to make him happy, then I’m not going to stop him."

Rose chuckled. They walked to the window that overlooked the garden and Sam looked out at his brother. Frodo held out his arms and tilted his head back as he spun around slowly and the water splashed onto his head and face and soaked the rest of him. He had the most beatific smile on his face and his light shined brighter than ever. He laughed aloud.

Sam smiled. "It was so long that we had want of water," he murmured softly, as though to himself. "So long."

Rose’s heart ached to find another of the past horrors her husband and friend had endured. She knew they would not consciously speak of any of them to her, so she gleaned all she could from whispers and shouts during nightmares or like now, when one or other would speak, awash in memories and forgetful of any around them. She waited to see if Sam would speak further, afraid but wanting to know, but he didn’t. He continued to stare out the window with a soft, tender smile, mesmerized by his brother’s joy that both had so longed for.

When Frodo came back in, Sam met him at the door. The elder hobbit’s hair was plastered to his head, his clothes to his skin and he was making a huge, dripping mess on the floor. The gardener didn’t even notice that latter. His brother was shining. There was nothing but brightness in his face and eyes and entire being. Sam’s heart seized at seeing such beauty.  He embraced his brother then tightly and didn’t care in the least that his clothes got nearly as wet as the soaked Ring-bearer’s. Frodo held on tightly for a long time and knew he was not holding only his human guardian, but the One who had just blessed him with the outpouring of water onto his body and soul.

"Thank you," he murmured to them both and Sam rejoiced to hear no pain in that voice, but an overwhelming gratitude and joy.

A/N: Gandalf’s advice about not fearing change, holding onto God’s hand and being held in His arms, being shielded from suffering or given the strength to bear it and to not worry is all from St. Francis de Sales. The quote about the greatest suffering on earth is from St. Therese of Lisieux. The one about love not being blind is from a rabbi whose name, unfortunately, escapes me at the moment.