When the Dwarf Came A-Visiting ~Míriel

Chapter 9 ~Delusions

            All three of us continued screaming at the top of our lungs.   Frodo stopped quickly and scrambled out from under the cart.  Lily stopped screaming as well, standing up to look him in the eye.  I continued to scream for several seconds before I realized that I was the only one panicking.  I then crawled out from under the cart and stood next to Frodo.      

            Mrs. Chubb hurried over.  “What is going on?” she demanded.

            Lily pointed accusingly.  “They, they, they were hiding under the cart!  They were eavesdropping!”

            “No, we weren’t!” Frodo said quickly.  “Pippin dropped a, a, marble, and he thought that it rolled under your cart.  We were looking for it.”

            Lily smiled for a moment, and then a thought occurred to her.  She glared at him.  “What did you hear?”

            “Hear?  Hear what?”

            “You didn’t hear anything?”

            Frodo looked very much like he wanted to be somewhere, anywhere, else.  “No.  Should I have?”

            Lily’s face relaxed in relief.  “No.” She looked down at his hand, which was still tightly clutching the rose.  (Fortunately for him, the thorns had been removed.)  She smiled sweetly. 

            Frodo gave a tight smile back and looked very uncomfortable.  I wanted to gag but thought better of it.  Lily looked down at the rose, then up at Frodo, then down at the rose again.

            “That’s a lovely flower, Frodo.  What is it?”

            Frodo looked down.  “This?  It’s a, a, rose.”

            “A rose?  I’ve never heard of such a flower.”

            Looking positively miserable, but making polite conversation as any gentlehobbit would, Frodo replied. “Bilbo brought it back from one of his travels.  They grow all over now.  I’m surprised you haven’t heard of it before.”

            “Oh,” was all she said, blushing and looking down.

            This uncomfortable moment was broken by a new voice.  “Hullo, Frodo.”

            Frodo looked up in delight.  “Rosemary!  How nice to see you!”

            “And you as well,” she answered; then smiled at me.  “Hullo, Pippin.”

            I smiled back.  “Hullo, Miss Rosemary.”  I liked her very much.  She was always kind to me, although she was six or seven years older.  She was also very good friends with Frodo; they were always discussing one book or another.

            “What are you doing here?” she asked Frodo.  “I mean, I’m glad to see you, but you usually come to the market on Thursdays, and this is Tuesday.”

            Frodo opened his mouth and closed it.  “It’s a long story,” he said apologetically.

            “I have time,” Lily said coyly, sidling up to Frodo.  She was not about to let his attention be given to another, however young she was.

            Frodo did the wisest thing possible: he ignored her.  “Well, since I was here, I was hoping that I would see you,” he said to Rosemary.

            “Really?” she said, eyes sparkling mischievously.  “So you could distract me while Merry sticks a frog down the back of my dress again?”

            Frodo flushed.  “I was not distracting you, I had no idea;”

            Lily cut him off.  “I hate to interrupt you two,” she said icily, “but Rosemary; you need to help your mother buy fabric for your business, do you not?”

            “What Merry was planning.” Frodo finished, completely ignoring Lily.

            Lily repeated herself, this time much louder.

            Now, contrary to what you might think, I was not standing by and idly listening.  Oh, goodness, no, I had much more important things on my mind, such as making sure that Frodo and that nice Rosemary could finish their conversation in peace, all while giving Lily what she had coming to her for attacking Frodo and pinching my cheeks.

            Frodo’s talk of marbles had given me a grand idea, one that I could pull off without getting into trouble.  Those were sometimes the most magnificent kind, although there was a certain degree of respect towards you from the other lads when you were being punished for a prank.  But this was not the Smials.

            I fingered the marble in my pocket.  I always carried several with me, as any hobbit lad would.  Slowly, I began taking tiny steps until I was behind Lily, who was far too busy being obnoxious to notice me.  I smiled in satisfaction.  Lily was wearing a green dress that looked good with her eyes, fit snugly around her waist, and was scooped low in the front and back.

            Meanwhile, Rosemary and Frodo were continuing to ignore Lily, much to her annoyance.

            “That’s quite all right, Frodo,” Rosemary said.  “A frog down my dress wasn’t the worst thing that has ever happened to me.”

            Lily, whose face had grown an angry red, stepped in front of Rosemary to stand next to Frodo.  “Excuse me, Rosemary,” she said through gritted teeth, “but Frodo and I were having a pleasant conversation before you came along.”

            “We were?” Frodo said in confusion.

            Lily ignored him and continued.  “So I suggest that you take your flirting and your charming little ways, and...”

            I saw my chance.  Lily was now so angry she wouldn’t have noticed if we suddenly had been hit with a plague of flying Bomburs.  I held back a chuckle at the thought of what might happen when the Bomburs fell to the ground. 

            Creeping up behind Lily, I reached into my pocket and pulled out my marbles.  In one swift motion, I tugged at the back of her dress and dropped the marbles down it.  Then I stepped back and watched my plan at work.

            Lily stopped ranting at Rosemary when she felt the cool marbles slide down her back.  Her face froze, and her mouth formed an “o”.

            Then she screamed.  Frodo, Rosemary, and everyone clear out to Frogmorton covered their ears as her unearthly shriek pierced the air.  Lily jumped around; trying to get whatever was down her dress to come out, but, alas, as her dress was cinched tightly at the waist, the marbles remained in her dress.

            Reason finally returned to her, as she noticed that the thing in her dress was not wiggling or slimy, simply cool and smooth.  She stopped screaming and tugged at the waist of her dress.  Five marbles fell out from the hem and rolled on the ground.  She picked up several and turned to Frodo, who, along with Rosemary and me, was trying to hide laughter.

            “Do you think this is funny?” she said, without a hint of humor.

            He thought for a moment.  “Yes?” he answered, then, after she glared at him, “No!  I mean, no, absolutely, that is not funny.”

            She stared at him for a moment.  Tears began to well up in her eyes.  “I trusted you,” she said, fighting back sobs, “I liked you, and all I wanted was for you to like me back.  But now, now I’m glad that I found out how you really feel.”

            Frodo sighed.  “How do I really feel?” he asked in a bored tone.  He had heard speeches of this time from far too many delusional lasses.

            To my horror, she began to cry.  “You were just leading me on,” she said bitterly.

            “Leading you on?”

            “Yes.  You know, the coy looks, avoiding me on purpose, all the while knowing that it would make me mad for you, but you didn’t want me.”

            Frodo bit his lip, and I knew that if he tried any harder not to laugh, he might pop.

            “And how did you come to this conclusion?”

            She opened her hand.  “These.  Really, Frodo, I would have thought better of you.”

            His jaw dropped.  “Pardon me?”

            “Putting marbles down my dress-Really Frodo!  That is the most immature, childish thing that I have ever heard!”

            “But I”

            She put up a hand.  “Don’t waste your words, Frodo.  I understand now.  And I am glad that I found this out, before;” she stopped suddenly.

            Frodo looked like he might pass out.  Rosemary asked the question I am sure that we were all thinking.

            “Before what?”

            Lily glared at Frodo.  “Before I married you,” she spat.  Then she turned and stomped away.

            We were all silent for a moment.  Then a chuckle escaped from Rosemary.  I gave a little giggle, remembering Lily’s horror at the marbles.  Frodo then began to laugh uproariously.  Soon we were all gasping for air from the breathlessness of heavy laughter.

            It was some time before we gained control of ourselves.  Frodo slapped me on the back.  “Brilliant, Pip,” he gasped.

            “Yes, quite,” Rosemary added.

            I bowed.  “It was my pleasure.”

            “Although,” Frodo said after a moment’s pause, “I certainly hope that I don’t get a reputation for putting marbles down dresses...”

            There was another pause, and then we all burst into hysterics once more.

A special thanks to Orangeblossom Took, who kindly has lent me Rosemary for this story.  I hope that I have returned her safe and sound.  You can read more about Rosemary and Frodo in Orangeblossom’s Rosemary for Remembrance.

Lily Chubb is a character of my own imaginings, whose sole purpose is to torment Frodo.  And, yes, she really is that delusional.

Merry, Sam, and Bombur’s story shall be continued in Chapter 10.