Chapter Two

Of Hobbit Nature and Family Planning

It is a commonly known among those who know Hobbits that Hobbits have a fine appreciation for the simple pleasures of life. This affinity for simple joys gives Hobbits an air of childlike innocence. However this does not go on to mean that Hobbits are childish. Hobbits are in fact deeply possessed of a special sort of wisdom generally known as common sense, or as it is in their society "Good Hobbit Sense".

One of the simplest and most enjoyable pleasures a Hobbit or rather two Hobbits can partake in, is that which goes on between male hobbits and female hobbits. Hobbits being an agricultural society see certain actions that go on between males and females of many species as quite natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Good hobbit sense dictates that by the time a Hobbit child is ten years old they can tell anyone who asks exactly where babies come from and how it got there to begin with. However Hobbits being generally obsessed with family lineage strongly believe that intimate relations between male and female be avoided until marriage and then kept strictly between husband and wife so as there can be no doubt as to the parentage of any resulting offspring. These views are taught to children along with the knowledge of how babies are made. Young children being as obsessed with family lineage as the oldest gammer or gaffer, are able to see the practical sense of waiting until marriage to do their own exploration of the opposite sex and experimentation in procreation. However once in a while values instilled in childhood are forgotten between an amorous lad and lass who are enjoying the cozy quiet comforts of a hay loft or a particularly enthusiastic betrothed couple that feel they wedding date is set far too of in the future.

Once a Hobbit and Hobbitess are properly wed their curiosity is completely unleashed. Pretty much any intimate act or touch one can think of is acceptable so long as it is done out of love. Hobbits take to these intimacies like children to sweets or the Wizard Gandalf’s fire works, with innocent enthusiasm and wonder.

~~~~~

"Ooof! Good afternoon, my dear, is my lap the only place you could find to sit?" Frodo asked of Linwe just after she had plopped onto his lap. It was a bright, sunny afternoon. Frodo had been sitting enjoying the sun and ocean breezes on a small sheltered bench near the doorway that led below deck.

"There are a few other places to sit but I thought your lap looked most inviting," replied Linwe with a happy smile. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him.

Frodo laughed, "Are you comfortable?"

"Hmm, nearly so, I need to make an adjustment." Linwe started to wiggle about.

"Linwe, please don’t do that."

"I have to get comfortable." Linwe wiggled just a bit more.

"Linwe, please, I beg you to stop!" Frodo’s cheeks started to take on a rosy hue.

"Why, am I hurting you?" asked Linwe with wide eyed concern and innocence.

"You know it’s not that." Frodo struggled to keep a level, even tone of voice.

"No I don’t, if I am not hurting you then whatever is the matter?" Linwe wiggled again and smiled.

Frodo gritted his teeth. "You know perfectly well what all of this wiggling about on my lap does."

Linwe assumed an artful expression of deep thought then slowly shook her head from side to side, "No, I seem to have forgotten. Why don’t you explain it to me?"

Frodo’s blush had now spread to the tips of his ears, "I will do no such thing. You know someone may over hear us, here."

Linwe absently started to delicately trace the outline of his ear with her finger, "I long for your instruction. Should we go somewhere more private?"

"Linwe, it is the middle of the day, the ship is not large, so everyone is likely to notice." Linwe leaned forward and kissed the tip of Frodo’s ear several time and had the satisfaction of feeling him shiver. "Linwe stop! Everyone can see us!"

"Then let us retire to our quarters. If you don’t agree I shall continue with what I am doing right here, where anyone may watch."

Frodo‘s eyes widened in a show of shock, "You wouldn’t."

"I would," whispered Linwe. She then firmly pressed her lips to Frodo’s. What little resistance Frodo had melted beneath the heat of Linwe’s kiss. Hidden beneath her cloak Frodo’s arms tightened around her as he allowed himself to respond to Linwe’s kiss with equal enthusiasm. Linwe let this to go on for several moments then pulled away, "Tell me husband, shall we go to our quarters?"

To Linwe’s surprise Frodo flashed her his most wicked mischievous smile, "Oh I don’t know, have you had enough of making a spectacle?"

"Frodo!" exclaimed Linwe, "You’ve been pretending all this time? How could you?"

Frodo laughed, "Out of love for you, of course," he replied with somewhat excessive sincerity. "I know how you like to be a little wicked from time to time. I was only too happy to give you that chance. Now, I believe you spoke of going somewhere more private."

~~~~~

Marriage is an educational experience in the differences between male and female for the parties involved. Each newly married couple starts off with joyful explorations of one another’s physical differences. Within a month or two of the happy couples wedding, there is commonly an announcement that the newly weds are to become new parents, thus opening the way to new educational experiences of the differences between the sexes.

~~~~~

"Oh bother!" These words were uttered by Linwe who was behind a curtain in the quarters she shared with Frodo. Frodo was in the room, reading a book while waiting for Linwe to dress so that they could go to breakfast. Just a moment prior to Linwe’s frustrated exclamation, Frodo heard the distinctive sound of fabric ripping.

"What’s the matter?" asked Frodo without taking his eyes from his book.

"My dress has ripped. My bosom has apparently gone and got larger over night. I had just barely managed to squeeze into my dress, I reached behind me to shake out the skirt in back and a seam split."

Frodo turned his head to look towards the curtain, "Your bosom has gotten larger?" His eyebrows raised and his eyes widened in astonishment and curiosity for this development. "Um, why or how could that happen?"

Linwe’s head appeared from behind the curtain. The look she fixed on Frodo spoke of her feeling incredulous. "You can’t possibly expect me to believe that you don’t know."

"How could I know. It isn’t as though I possess all knowledge in the known world," Frodo replied defensively.

"Frodo, were you not paying attention when Rosie was pregnant? Did you fail to notice the changes to her figure?"

"Of course I noticed. Her belly got quite round and her ankles towards the end, tended to be puffy with swelling. Anyone could have seen that."

"Frodo, her bosom got larger too. That is one of the first obvious signs that a hobbitess is with child."

"Oh, well I suppose I missed that," shrugged Frodo, " Why does it do that?" he asked curiously.

"To start preparing for the time when the mother will be nursing the baby," said Linwe. She was once again hidden behind the screen struggling to remove the torn dress.

Frodo’s brow furrowed slightly as he considered this new information, "I suppose that makes sense. How much growing is likely to be involved with this particular preparation?"

"Frodo!"

"What? I only asked a simple question. First you get rather snippy with me for not knowing all that there is to know about all of this, then when I ask a simple question you snap at me as though I said something offensive."

Linwe sighed as she sorted through her dresses for another one to put on. "Frodo, have you never been told by anyone what an expectant mother experiences during pregnancy?"

"No, that discussion would likely have come after the ones dealing with courtship and marriage, which I also never got. As you very well know, the last truly helpful information I had on the matters of marriage and family planning was my father explaining to me the basics of how babies are made. I was eight years old and found the whole subject rather sickening."

"It’s a good thing Bilbo is near at hand," said Linwe, as she stepped from behind the curtain. She was now wearing a navy blue, sleeveless dress, made of soft wool, with a cream colored linen shift beneath it. The sleeves of the shift were full and went to just below her elbows. The cuffs were trimmed with a narrow bit of lace. This same lace also embellished the neckline of the shift. The dress was of a type commonly worn by most female Hobbits but Linwe’s had some differences. Like the more common dresses Linwe fit snugly in the bodice with lacing in the back to adjust the fit to the wearer. However instead of having the more common full skirt with the fabric gathered at the waist, the panels of that made up the bodice of Linwe’s dress continued down to past her knees, flaring our wider as they went creating a graceful sweep of full skirt. Linwe walked over to Frodo then turned her back to him. "Cinch up my laces for me please."

Frodo stood up and started to carefully pull on the laces so that they were tightened evenly. "Why is it good that Bilbo is here?"

"Because I am going to have a few words with him about the gaps he left in your education. Ow! Not so tight. This growth has me feeling a bit tender."

"Sorry," replied Frodo, with a slight blush. Despite having known Linwe quite intimately for over a year every now and then something still managed to cause him to blush. "You know, you are likely to find that Bilbo knows nothing of expectant mother’s either. I think this is one of those matters that lasses talk about and lads don’t. There, your dress is all laced and secured."

Linwe paused in front of the mirror to look at the back of her dress, "hmm, I don’t think I shall be able to wear this for much longer either," she said absently to herself, then looked back to Frodo, "I can concede that as Bilbo stayed a bachelor he would never have had much interest in such matters. But surely other hobbits, as husbands and fathers, would be quite concerned. I would think that you and Sam had discussed such matters on number of occasions while they were expecting."

Frodo laughed, "Samwise Gamgee would never have discussed with me such things as Rosie’s bosom getting larger."

Linwe giggled, "No, I suppose he wouldn’t at that. But Sam is not the only grown male hobbit you know. Surely some of the other’s talk about these matters."

"No actually they don’t. Lads don’t discuss such things," Frodo said with confident finality.

"Why not?"

Frodo shrugged, "Because it makes no difference to us, I guess."

"Frodo Baggins, if that is not the most insensitive thing I have ever heard!"

Frodo was taken aback by his wife’s sudden ire. "There you go again, snapping at me for no good reason. You asked a question and I answered it honestly and to the best of my knowledge. All of you lasses seem to be able to talk about all of the minute details of pregnancy and child birth. Come to think of it, you are the ones that are the first to ask about such things as how long was the baby when it was born and how much did it weigh. I remember standing in the market one day to my left Sam was talking to Mr. Banks, who asked Sam how Rosie was fairing. Sam said she was well. That was all that was wanted. Then to my right was you and Rosie talking with Mrs. Banks. She asked how Rosie was doing and the two of you started telling the her how big around Rosie’s belly had measured that morning, what sorts of food Rosie was craving, and what smells made her ill. In fact all three of you carried on for half an hour with comparisons of Rosie’s pregnancy to all three of Mrs. Banks, and then you were joined by Mrs. Tuttle who added in details of her daughter’s pregnancy. Mrs. Tuttle proceeded to pull a bundle of letters our of her bag, the letters all being from her daughter, who meticulously writes from her home in the south farthing, every week, with all matter of those little bits and pieces that you all seem to take such delight in discussing constantly. That, my dear is an illustration of some of the differences between lads and lasses."

Linwe smiled, "I understand now. Thank you."

"Good, I am glad I could help."

"What it comes down to is that despite the fact you are the husbands and fathers, you have little concern for what we, the wives and mothers, are going through in order to bring your children into the world."

"What? I said not such thing! We do so care, we just prefer to keep things simple. You know all you wives were confusing before you started becoming mothers, in fact you were baffling before you were wives. And you, my dear wife, are the most baffling of them all. When we were first married I blamed my lack of understanding to inadequacies in my up brining. Since then I have determined that all of the Hobbits in all of The Shire could have told me all that they know about Hobbitesses and I would still be as confused as I am at this moment. What I have come to understand is that we, the husbands and fathers, do our best to keep things simple where we can. All of those facts and figures that you wives and mothers consider so important, make no sense to us. Further more, I think you take delight in complicating matters. All of this started when you said your bosom had grown larger, if I had been a proper husband I would have let that comment of yours go by, but instead I had to go and ask what I thought was a simple question. You see, I did my best to be interested and concerned for one of those little details you hold so dear, and what do I get for it? I’ll tell you what I got, I got told I was ignorant and uncaring. Next time I will do as I have been taught since I was married, and that it is best to say as little as possible."

Linwe took one look at Frodo’s indignant expression and collapsed into a helpless fit of giggles.