Disclaimer: I don’t own them and I’ll put them back when I’m done!

Author’s Note: Things are about to get very, very irreverent.

Chapter Ten: Farting Powder

“Now lads, I want you to understand that the Dunadan is my friend, and so I don’t want the origins of this to get back to him. That being said, use it well.”

Merry and Pippin stared at Bilbo. Their elderly cousin had sought them out after seeing Legolas stalk towards the baths, covered in grime. Rightly guessing that the lads were going to need all the help they could get, Bilbo had offered them a great weapon.

“I suggest putting it in his cup at dinner, if you can manage it,” Bilbo added. “I always found it useful for livening dull parties, but I suppose that Aragorn will find it thoroughly embarrassing.”

The lads continued to stare, wearing expressions appropriate for having been clubbed upside the head. Bilbo chuckled, waved merrily, and left the room.

Gob smacked, Merry and Pippin looked from the bottle to each other, and back again. This was so, so vile. And yet…

“Tonight,” Merry said, his face splitting into an evil grin. “If we can manage it. Tonight.”

*****

Dinner was, as always, an opulent affair in the great hall. Merry got there early and for once blessed the Elves for being so tall. It kept him better hidden as he scurried through the rows of tables. The cups had already been placed on the table; Merry quickly tipped the contents of the vial into the bottom of one and hoped that no one would notice it. Aragorn usually sat next to Lord Elrond, so he knew he had the right cup. They set things differently here than at home, but this was the right cup. It was.

Task completed, Merry scurried out of the dining hall, feeling inordinately pleased with himself.

*****

“Did you do it?” Bilbo muttered to Merry at dinner later that evening.

Merry nodded. “I put it in his cup-the cup next to Lord Elrond’s. When will it start working?”

“A few minutes after they-Merry lad, which cup did you say you put it in?” Bilbo whispered, suddenly looking stricken.

Merry frowned at him. “The one on the right hand side of the plate. Aragorn’s.”

Bilbo passed a hand over his eyes, shaking his head ruefully. “I think I forgot to tell you, lad, about the way they set tables here. Look at your goblet, where it’s sitting.”

Merry looked, stared, and jumped. His cup rested on the left of the plate.

“I got the wrong cup! Bilbo! Who’s did I put it in?”

Bilbo looked harried. “Well, er, I do believe it was-”

Pfft.

Lady Arwen’s eyes flew wide open, Aragorn choked on his wine and Lord Elrond raised one long hand to slowly massage his temples.

“-Lord Elrond’s,” Bilbo finished bleakly.

Pfft. Pfft.

Frodo glanced over at Merry and Bilbo, saw their stricken faces and snorted into his glass.

“Aren’t we in trouble,” he muttered. “Idiots. Bilbo, I can’t believe you brought farting powder all the way to Rivendell.”

On the dais behind them, Arwen was laughing into her napkin. Aragorn was suspiciously sniffing Elrond’s wine, his eyebrows inclined almost to his hairline. Pffffft. Elrond rose and left the hall through a small door behind the high table. Shortly after, Arwen excused herself, shaking with laughter so hard she was crying. Aragorn set the cup down and shook his head, turning his attention to his meal. Unbelievable.

“You put farting powder in Lord Elrond’s wine?” Boromir whispered incredulously from his place across the hobbit’s table.

Merry huffed at him. “I didn’t mean to! It was supposed to be in Strider’s, but they set the tables here differently!”

“Merry,” Pippin whispered. “We’re in trouble. More trouble than before, I think.”

Boromir stared at the hobbits, speechless. Bilbo looked amused, Merry anxious, Pippin terrified. Any words he might have had left were lost when Frodo raised his glass.

“Here’s to Rivendell. May it’s winds never be unsullied.”

Boromir rolled his eyes, still unable to believe how unbelievable mad this place was. First Aragorn tied into his room, then a monster puppet at night and then an exploding privy. And this…this was beyond anything he had ever thought of before. Farting powder.

TBC