Rated PG-13
Author: Grey_wonderer
Beta: Marigold
These are not my characters. If they were, I would be rich and famous by now.

It’ll be light soon. That’s the trouble just now. At some point in the not too distant future the sun will begin to come out and it will be morning. That will mean that folks will be up and about before too long and some of them will most likely come out of their homes to get a start on the day. Blast the early risers! If only they would all just stay in bed a few extra hours just this one time. Not likely, one can hope but it isn’t likely to happen.

Pippin crouched lower into the holly bushes and felt the tiny points on the leaves dig into his skin. He winced, gritted his teeth and managed not to climb out. Staying put was his only hope of going unnoticed. Uncomfortable as he was, he had no illusions that he would be better off anywhere else at the moment. As miserable as this hiding place was, it was better than no hiding place at all. The sky was starting to lighten ever so slightly now and he was certain that he would never be able to make it from this vicious holly bush to another less painful place of concealment. He was stranded here.

Morning birds began to make their songs heard in the distant trees. Why weren’t those trees closer? Those full, dark, trees with their summer leaves affording lovely shade and many dark locations in which to hide, were too far away from the holly bushes to be reached even at a full-out, heart-pounding, leg-cramping run. Pippin doubted that the fastest hobbit in all of the Shire could run from these wicked holly bushes to those trees without being seen or even worse, without tripping and falling. He shuddered at the thought of falling face down and sprawling on the still damp grass. The morning dew was clinging to everything including his skin. He did not doubt that the grass between the holly bushes and the trees would be slick.

Somewhere off to his right, he heard a door open. The sound was sharp in the early morning air. Someone was awake and already coming outside. Pippin shivered. He didn’t dare raise his head up for a peek. One false move now and he would be better off dead. Dying of embarrassment was not something that he relished. Oh, some days he felt as if it was a fate that he might just as well resign himself to, but other days, like today, he vowed to go out fighting. He slowly reached up and scratched the end of his nose being very careful not to disturb the holly bush.

He heard another door open or maybe it was the same door that he’d heard moments before closing. Anyway, it was a door doing something and it was very near. He didn’t think that he would enjoy living in Hobbiton. The smials were too close to one another and a hobbit just didn’t have any privacy at all! How did Frodo manage? Frodo was not the sort to enjoy having his privacy invaded. In fact, Pippin could remember getting several lectures from Frodo on the value of respecting other folks’ privacy. Frodo was dead keen on privacy so how was it that he was able to tolerate living so close to all of these other smials? Pippin’s leg was cramping from squatting in the same position for so long and he reached back with one hand and rubbed his aching calf muscle.

He heard a dog barking somewhere in the distance and someone shouted a greeting to someone else. Pippin groaned ever so softly and glared over in the direction of Frodo’s back door. Pippin could just see it through the little spaces between the holly leaves. There it was, only yards away and solidly locked. How had he managed to lock the door without meaning to do so? He remembered hearing that nasty little click as he had shut the door on his way out to the privy. He hadn’t thought that the door was actually locking behind him only that it had closed too loudly. He had wondered if he might have disturbed anyone with the noisy door but he had continued on toward the privy, well, at least he had continued on for a step or two. Then something had tugged at his waist and that was when this entire difficulty had started.
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“Not so loud,” Pippin had hissed at the door as if it might actually hear him. Why did everything have to sound so loud in the middle of the night? Pippin stood still and listened to the crickets for a minute and when he didn’t hear anyone stirring about or threatening his life because he’d made too much noise with the door, Pippin started toward the privy with his lantern in his hand.

He felt a tug at his back as if someone had taken hold of his dressing gown near the waist and was holding him in place. He tuned to see what was the matter only to find that he had closed the door on his dressing gown. Pippin sighed in annoyance, sat the lantern down and reached back to open the door. He twisted the knob but it didn’t yield. He tried it again and still it refused to do anything except rattle. Now, more than a little annoyed, Pippin turned to face the door as best he could with his dressing gown caught and seized the door knob in both hands and pulled frantically. Failing to convince the door to open, Pippin began to tug at his dressing gown only to find that it was securely caught.

Finally, when all maneuvers failed to gain him his release, he stood still and tried to think things over calmly but his need for the privy was making that difficult. He had waited until he could wait no more before tossing on his dressing gown and leaving his comfortable bed to venture out into the dark, humid, night. He had even given thought to just availing himself of the convenience of the chamber pot but he hated the thoughts of emptying it and cleaning it before breakfast and so he had forced himself to get up. Now, he wished that he had considered the chamber pot more favorably.

With his dressing gown clamped tightly in the door and the call of nature growing louder by the minute, Pippin made a rather daring choice. On the farm back at Whitwell this would have been risky and here at Bag End in the far more populated Hobbiton it was an even bigger risk. The only other choice was to bang on the door in the hope of waking Frodo or Merry and stand here in this uncomfortable condition waiting while one of his older cousins found a dressing gown and made his way through the length of Bag End to open the door. Then that cousin would laugh at him for getting into such a predicament and all of his recently hard-earned maturity would dissolve. It didn’t take a genius to see what the only sensible choice was.

Pippin untied the sash of his dressing gown and slid out of it. The air was warm and so he was not uncomfortable as he tiptoed across the garden to the privy in naught but his altogether. He even managed a slight giggle as he wondered why he was tiptoeing. No one was going to hear him making his way across the grass in the dark. Why couldn’t a hobbit just walk normally when undressed? It was something to think about at any rate and it worked as a distraction from his ridiculous situation. As he neared the dark privy, he remembered that he’d left the lantern back beside the kitchen door. That was probably just as well. He knew his way around this privy and would have no trouble in the dark. Besides traipsing naked across the garden with a lantern swinging in his hand would have drawn the attention of anyone who might happen to pass by. He giggled again as he opened the privy door and eased inside.

Upon leaving the tiny building, Pippin inched the door open and peered out into the darkness just to make sure that no one else was on the way to the privy. That would be just the luck. It would be so like Merry to feel the need to come out here just now. Merry would have more reason in fact because his older cousin had drunk more ale at the Dragon than Pippin had. Pippin waited a breath or two and then inched the door open slightly further. That was when the smell of smoke hit him. Forgetting his undressed state, Pippin pushed the door open quickly and looked around for the source of the smell. His eyes went wide with horror as he saw that his dressing gown was draped over the top of the lantern!

Pippin gave a startled squeak and charged toward the smoldering dressing gown. He was minutes from burning down Bag End. If the lantern managed to set the dressing gown ablaze then the fire would go right up the gown to the kitchen door! Pippin stumbled toward the smoke, stubbing his toe and nearly falling. He managed to keep his balance and reach the rain barrel that stood a foot or two from the back door. He pulled the water dipper off of the hook, filled it with water from the barrel, and hurried over to toss the water on his dressing gown. He was rewarded with a loud hiss as the lantern promptly went out enveloping him in darkness.

Pippin leaned against the back door and sighed with relief. That had been far too close for comfort. He had very nearly become the Shire’s first naked arsonist. That was when he remembered that he was naked. He moved slowly over toward the lantern and lifted what remained of his dressing gown off of it. As he picked up the ruined material it fell apart in his hands. He winced. The only portion of the garment that remained undamaged was the part that was closed up in the kitchen door. Well, this was just lovely! Now what?

Pippin bent down so as to be less noticeable and considered his options. He could turn around and knock on the door. It would be dreadfully humiliating. One or both of his cousins would be likely to suggest that it wasn’t safe to allow him to go out to the privy on his own. After they finished laughing at him and finally allowed him in, Frodo would ask about the fire and then Pippin suspected that he would have an escort every time that he felt the need to relieve himself until Frodo got over the fact that Pippin had nearly burned down the smial. This particular option was looking less inviting by the minute.

Tonight at the Green Dragon both of his older cousins had treated him as if he were a grown up which, as far as he was concerned, he very nearly was. He was twenty-three after all and he had been following Frodo and Merry around for most of his life so naturally, he must have picked up a thing or two. In fact, Pippin reasoned, if one were to judge him on his actions and knowledge then most would have to assume that he was at least thirty. He had even paid for a round of drinks with his own money. He had also held fast to the number of drinks that Frodo had set for him before they had left for the Dragon and he suspected that both of his cousins had been pleased with his adult behavior. Neither Frodo nor Merry would remember how mature Pippin had been tonight if they found him outside in this condition. He would once again be nothing more than the youngest in need of looking after. He was not going to spoil the evening by knocking on the door and begging for help. He had managed to get himself into this situation. He would get himself out of it.

It was a risky option, but there was a chance that the front door might be unlocked. Sometimes it was. Most of the time it was but with Merry here it wasn’t likely. Bucklanders, and most especially Brandybucks, tended to lock everything. Still, it was completely dark and terribly late. Pippin could slip out to the front door and give it a try. If it was unlocked he could sneak in, dress and then clean up the mess that he’d made out here. Then tomorrow he wouldn’t have to explain anything to anyone. He liked that option. So, being careful not to make any noise, and he could actually be quiet when he needed to be no matter what anyone said, Pippin made his way around the smial toward the front door. It certainly was a lucky thing that it was so warm out here. Wandering about in the night in nothing but his skin would have been very uncomfortable if the weather hadn’t been so hot and humid the last week or so.

It was because the weather had been so miserable that Pippin had decided to slip between the cool sheets of his bed without anything on but a drowsy smile. He had heard that a great many grown hobbits enjoyed sleeping naked. In fact, his older cousin Berilac claimed that he did so all of the time now. Pippin couldn’t risk trying this at home with three older sisters about, but here at Bag End he didn’t really see the harm in it. He had shut his door and removed his nightshirt and climbed into bed. He had been sleeping soundly until all of those ales that he had drunk at the Green Dragon had made their presence known. Ale had a way leaving the body almost as fast as one could put it in. At any rate Pippin did find the warm weather to be a blessing just now.

He looked about carefully for any witnesses that might be around and when he was sure that he was alone, he walked up to the door and tried to open it. ‘Merry, you ninny hammer!’ Pippin wanted to shout. The door was locked just as he’d been afraid that it might be. He was no better off than he had been a few minutes ago. He was in the same fix just standing in a different location outside of a different locked door. He wasn’t about to panic yet. There might just be an open window or two. After all it had been extremely hot and so surely Frodo had left a window open somewhere in the smial so that he could let in a bit of the night air.

A careful inspection of all of the windows revealed only two open ones, the one in Frodo’s room and the one in Merry’s room. Pippin’s own room didn't have any windows. He slept in one of the inside rooms and so there was no way for him to get back into his room without going through someone else’s. He instantly decided that there was no hope of climbing into Frodo’s room. The window was too high up and Pippin was not about to go looking for something to stand on while stark naked. He was also not going to risk permanent damage to some of his more important body parts by climbing up the side of the smial. Some things were not worth the risk. At the moment he was not at all well protected from injury. He sighed deeply as he managed to glance up into Frodo’s room. All he could see, even standing on his toes, was the shadow of a painting that hung over top of Frodo’s mantle. It was a painting of Merry and Pippin that had been done when Pippin had been twelve. Pippin sighed again. The twelve-year-old lad in that painting would have got a good laugh out of this. The twenty-three-year-old Pippin standing on his toes, naked, outside of the smial was in no mood to laugh just now.

Merry’s window was well within reach but it was only open a few inches and if Pippin were to gain access to the inside using it, he would have to manage to open it a bit more without waking Merry who was snoring softly in the bed just inside the room. Pippin put his hands on the windowsill and peered into the smial wishing desperately that he were safe and sound in his own bed fast asleep and dreaming all of this. He squeezed his eyes shut but when he opened them he was still outside and Merry was stirring a bit. Pippin ducked out of sight and crouched below the window. As he sat there holding his breath and hoping that Merry hadn’t seen him he heard the unmistakable sound of the window being closed and locked.

Pippin groaned. Why did Merry have to lock everything? Now, there was only one open window in Bag End and it was not likely to do Pippin any good at all. He was running out of options. He sank down onto the grass below Merry’s now closed window and tried to reason this entire thing out. Where could he find something to wear? His mind located two possible choices, the Gaffer’s tool shed and Frodo’s barn. There might not be any clothing in the barn but there would probably be a pony blanket or two and naked hobbits that were running out of options could not afford to be too fussy. Pippin gave Merry a few more minutes to go back to sleep and then with a quick glance around he got to his feet and carefully began to make his way toward the Gaffer’s tool shed. He had selected it for his first search simply because it was closer. He had to get out of this mess without being caught or seen. If his mum ever heard this story she would die of embarrassment. Oh, she would make time to kill him first, but she would die of embarrassment as soon as that little job was done. He could hear it all now.

“That poor Eglantine Took! You know that was her lad that they caught lurking about in the dead of the night down there in Hobbiton without a stitch on! Poor Mistress Took! How will she ever show her face in public again now that her only son has shown his, well, has shown everything that he has worth showing to everyone in Hobbiton.”

Pippin winced. Thinking about his mum’s reaction made him think of his father and that was even more distressing. As he hid himself behind Frodo’s large apple tree and listened for any sounds that might mean he was not alone. Pippin pushed the thought of what his father was likely to do to him out of his mind. So far he had considered Frodo’s reaction, Merry’s reaction, his mum’s reaction and had forced himself not to consider his father’s reaction. If everyone who was likely to be upset by this actually found out then Pippin would never live this down. He wondered if anything like this had ever happened to Berilac.

Pippin had decided that he must be cursed. He had not seen Gandalf in some time now but it was still possible that the Wizard had put a curse on him during his last visit and that it was only now beginning to take effect. He did think that he might have annoyed Gandalf with too many questions during that visit but Pippin had been very young at the time. Wizards were quick to anger or so it was said and if anyone could curse him, it would be Gandalf. He became convinced that he was cursed when he found that the shed was locked too!

Now that he thought about it he could remember that Frodo had mentioned something about the Gaffer being forced to start locking the shed. Pippin couldn’t remember exactly why, but at some point much earlier in the evening while he, Merry and Frodo had been at The Green Dragon, Frodo had said something about why the Gaffer was locking the shed. Pippin sighed. It hardly mattered why it was locked. The main point really was that the shed was locked. Now Pippin’s only hope was the barn. Pippin kicked in frustration at the shed’s door and swatted a mosquito that had decided to land on his arm. He quickly moved away from the shed and toward the barn. He didn’t like to think about the damage that mosquitoes might do to him just now. He really did need to find something to cover up with.

He had lost his fear of being seen simply because he was becoming used to being outside in the dark wearing nothing at all. As he neared the barn he yawned and stopped a minute to stretch. It must be terribly late by now. Pippin wondered how long it was until morning. He yawned again and smiled. Whatever there was in the barn that could be worn he would soon be wearing it. He didn’t care if all he found was an empty feed sack or some lass’s old dress. He was putting it on and he would be glad to have it. In fact he might even give himself a minute or two to celebrate his find. Having something, no matter how small, to celebrate would be a most welcome thing indeed after the night that he was having.

As thoughts of his celebration filled his head the sound of someone or something moving around filled his ears and instantly his fear of being seen returned. Pippin dropped to his knees in the grass and looked about trying to spot whoever was out and about at this hour before they managed to spot him. He held his breath as he realized that the noise was coming from inside of Frodo’s barn!

Pippin crawled backwards away from the barn, which he had been so very close to entering just minutes before and hid behind the trunk of the apple tree again. Someone was in the barn. It certainly wasn’t Frodo or Merry. Would the Gaffer or Sam be up at this hour whatever this hour was? Pippin waited and listened as a rather loud whisper came from just inside of the barn. “You really should go now,” a lass’s voice said unconvincingly. She giggled. “Have you any idea what might happen if we’re caught out here like this?”

Pippin swallowed hard. Caught out here like what, he wondered. What were the odds that some lass would be in the barn tonight? Why was she worried about getting caught? He crouched nervously behind the apple tree uncomfortably aware of the tree’s rough bark scraping against his thigh and waited. If he wasn’t cursed then this was just entirely too much bad luck all in one night.

“Nobody’s going to find me here,” a lad’s deep voice whispered. “Your folks are down at the row sound asleep and I don’t answer to anyone.”

“What if Frodo Baggins comes out of his smial and catches us in his barn? He’ll tell my father,” she said knowingly. Pippin found that he was trying to figure out who this lass was but he didn’t recognize her voice as yet. Maybe it was the fact that she was whispering. “Why I’ll just bet that Frodo Baggins knows something already.”

“What makes you say a thing like that?” the lad demanded his voice now slightly louder.

“Well, someone went and locked that shed now didn’t they? Who else would have done that if it weren’t Frodo Baggins?”

That was it! Pippin remembered now! The Gaffer had started locking the shed because things were always moved around when he came out in the mornings to get his gardening tools. Frodo had said that the Gaffer had found food out in the shed, well, apple cores and dried up biscuits and breadcrumbs. Someone was using some of his blankets to- *gasp* There were blankets in that shed!

If these two hobbits hadn’t trespassed in the Gaffer’s shed then it wouldn’t be locked right now and Pippin would be wrapped up in a nice modest blanket at this minute instead of hiding behind a tree swatting mosquitoes that were now biting more than just his arms. Whoever these hobbits were, they were extremely lucky that Pippin wasn’t dressed just now. If he’d had anything on at all, even his favorite scarf, he’d have marched into that barn and given those two a piece of his mind! He smacked a mosquito and heard the palm of his hand make a rather loud slapping noise against his calf. Then he heard the lass say, “What was that?” Her voice was nervous but she wasn’t nearly as nervous as Pippin was right now.

It was one thing to have one of your older cousins see you stranded outside in the dark naked, but it would be quit another thing entirely to be caught by a strange lass and her suitor. Pippin had to find someplace better to hide than this. He was completely exposed, completely, to anyone who might be coming from Bag End and all the two hobbits in the barn had to do was walk outside and approach the apple tree and they would see him, all of him!

“I didn’t hear nothin’. Relax Tulip, you’re lettin’ the fact that the shed was locked worry you too much.”

“All the same, it was never locked before and I did hear a noise, Jody!”

“You stay right here and I’ll have a look see,” the deep voice, which Pippin now knew belonged to Jody, said. That was when a wave of illness hit Pippin hard. He felt his stomach knot up and a large lump seemed to fill his throat. There was nothing he could do but lay down completely flat on the grass and hope that Jody wouldn’t search very far or very near the apple tree. His head was swimming and he felt as if he might be sick at any moment. He wondered if he might be getting grass stain on anything important. He knew from past experience that it wasn’t easy to remove grass stain from skin. Some things should not be green.

Blessedly, it was still extremely dark out and as Jody moved into the garden, Pippin put his arms over his head and tried not to make so much as a tiny sound. He could hear the lad moving around in the grass and it seemed to Pippin as if he must be very near now but Pippin refused to raise his head even a tiny bit to look. He remained frozen in place even when a rather sharp sting let him know that another mosquito had bitten him on his left hip.

“I don’t see nothing out here,” Jody said after what seemed like an eternity to Pippin.

“I still think you ought to go on home before anyone finds us,” Tulip said. Pippin didn’t know what he should hope for just now because he didn’t know which direction would take Jody home. If the lad had to go past this tree then Pippin hoped he was planning on staying for a while. Pippin carefully raised his head just enough so that he could see the barn door. The two hobbits were silhouetted just inside the doors embraced in each other’s arms, snogging as if they’d not seen each other in days. Now might be his only chance! Pippin got carefully to his feet and hurried back in the direction of Bag End running as silently as any hobbit was able to run.

Just as Pippin neared the smial, which he had planned to hide behind, he heard Tulip shout, “I see someone!” Her voice startled Pippin and he tripped and fell and then rolled down a small slope in the garden coming to rest just inches from a cluster of bushes. He could feel the skin being scraped off of his knee but he had bigger problems at the moment.

“Where? Where do you see someone?” Jody’s voice demanded as Pippin hurriedly crawled into the bushes on his hands and knees. Pippin had known immediately that these were not friendly bushes in which one might hide comfortably. As he reached them his skin was assailed by tiny, sharp, leaves and he knew that he was crawling naked into Frodo’s holly bushes but the only alternative was to stay out in the open and make a run for it. Pippin bit back his cries of pain and crawled quickly and completely into the wicked holly bushes.

He had been here ever since. Jody, at the insistence of the rather bossy Tulip, had searched the garden for what had seemed like ages to Pippin. On at least two occasions Jody had actually come close to finding Pippin but he had walked right by the holly bushes. Pippin supposed that Jody didn’t think there would be any possible way that anyone would crawl into a group of holly bushes. Jody didn’t know just how desperate Pippin’s situation was at that moment. Finally the lad had quit searching but once he had given up on finding Pippin, Tulip had come out of the barn and the two of them had argued in low tones about everything including how she didn’t think that he believed her when she had said she’d heard someone, about when he should and shouldn’t leave, about what Frodo might or might not know that had made him lock the shed and then there was a long boring bit about the lass that Jody used to court before he’d begun to see Tulip.

All during this ongoing tirade, Pippin had been forced to crouch in the holly bushes. The only good thing that Pippin could find to say about the bushes just now was that they were nice full, thick bushes and good for concealment even if they were painful to the skin. He was uncomfortable but he was in no danger of being seen. If this truly was some sort of a curse then it was an inspired one. Pippin was discovering first hand that there was nothing so miserable as hiding in a holly bush.
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Jody had gone home a while ago and then Tulip had stood by the apple tree for a while and cried. They had not parted on friendly terms. In spite of the fact that Tulip was pretty, Pippin had decided that Jody was better off. Tulip was entirely too bossy. Finally, just as it had been threatening to become morning in all its glory, Tulip had left and that had left Pippin with no time to escape the holly bushes without serious risk of discovery. Traipsing about in the dark of night naked was one thing, but Pippin was not about to go out in the open with the sun coming up. He cursed under his breath and listened to his stomach grumble. He was tired, scratched, scraped, bitten, humiliated and now he could include hungry on his list of complaints. Frodo would be up before long and in the kitchen starting first breakfast. Pippin was going to starve to death out here in these dreadful bushes.

There was more noise and Pippin peeked out through the holly leaves and tiny red berries which, sadly, were not edible and saw Sam Gamgee and his younger sister Marigold unlocking the Gaffer’s shed. If Sam had been alone Pippin might have risked calling out to him, but there was nothing that could convince him to draw attention to himself with Sam’s rather attractive younger sister within sight. Just lately, Pippin had started to notice that quite a few of the young lasses in the Shire were attractive but this was hardly the time to think about that. His stomach growled again. He continued to watch as Sam got the Gaffer’s wheelbarrow and some of his tools out of the shed. Pippin gulped. He did hope that Sam wasn’t planning on trimming the holly bushes today.

“Morning, Sam. Good morning, Marigold!”

Pippin lost his balance and sat down hard on the ground amid dozens of pointed little holly leaves and twigs. He bit the back of his hand in an effort not to cry out and heard Sam and Marigold greeting Merry. Good morning indeed! It wasn’t a good morning at all as far as Pippin was concerned.

“Planning on working in the garden, Sam?” Merry asked. He was standing just outside of the kitchen door fully dressed. Merry looked as if he were expecting company or something. Never mind that Merry’s trousers looked neatly pressed or that his waistcoat matched perfectly. Merry was dressed! Oh, how Pippin envied that!

“The Gaffer asked me to fetch his tools so’s he can get an early start on the weedin’ after he’s finished his breakfast,” Sam said pleasantly. “I’m goin’ into Hobbiton with Marigold to do a bit of shoppin.”

“Sure you two don’t want to wait around and have breakfast with us?” Merry invited. “Frodo is making eggs and frying bacon even as we speak.”

Pippin wanted bacon. He would kill for some bacon about now. He was more than willing to give himself up and call Merry over and ask for help but not with Marigold standing there. He would have to stay put until she left and she wasn’t hurrying any. She was just standing beside Sam and smiling at Merry the way lasses did. Lasses liked Merry.

“What in all of wonder is this?” Merry said more to himself than to anyone else. He bent over and picked up what was left of Pippin’s dressing gown. Pippin supposed that it must have fallen out of the doorjamb when Merry came outside. Pippin could see Merry examining the remains of his dressing gown intently.

“What’s wrong, Mister Merry?” Marigold asked.

“I’m sure I don’t have the slightest idea,” Merry said as she approached him. “This was just lying here near the door.” He held up the piece of blue cloth in his hands and showed it to her. “This looks burnt.”

Pippin squeezed his eyes shut. It wouldn’t take Merry long to realize what he was holding. Pippin wondered what would happen.

Marigold and Sam were both standing with Merry now. Sam looked down at the ground and pointed. “I think someone might ‘a got careless with a lantern,” he offered.

‘I was not careless,’ Pippin wanted to shout but he wasn’t entirely certain that this was true. It had been careless of him to let the dressing gown fall over the lantern. He scratched at one of his many mosquito bites that were now beginning to itch fiercely and listened.

“Maybe whoever has been getting’ into the shed left that behind,” Marigold guessed. “Our papa has been terribly upset about that business.”

“Could be,” Sam nodded. “But this looks as if it’s one ‘o Mister Frodo’s lanterns so if it was the prowler then the sneak thief has gone and taken Mister Frodo’s lantern.” Sam looked particularly annoyed by this development.

Merry frowned. “This piece of material is starting to look familiar to me,” Merry said. He wrinkled his forehead a bit the way he did when he was trying to work something out and Pippin held his breath.

“Do you know who it belongs to, Mister Merry?” Marigold asked sounding excited. “If you do then it might help to catch the prowler.”

“I might,” Merry said and he began to look around as if searching for something. Pippin was quite sure that Merry knew to whom the dressing gown belonged. The question was, what would Merry decide to do now? If he decided to search the garden for Pippin then Sam and Marigold would probably volunteer to help. Once again, a wave of illness hit Pippin. Pippin would die right here in these hateful bushes if Marigold Gamgee saw him naked. It was a very good thing that his stomach was empty right now or he was certain that he would vomit.

Sam had bent down and was examining the lantern or that was how it seemed to Pippin from his current vantage point. As he tired to get a better look one of the holly leaves scratched him on the cheek. He’d been scraped and scratched so many times that he wondered why he hadn’t bled to death!

“Sam, you didn’t see anyone out near the barn as you and Marigold walked over here from the Row did you?” Merry asked. It looked to Pippin as if Merry was grinning a bit now. That couldn’t be good in any way. Merry was at his most dangerous when he was smiling like that.

“Marigold and me walked right by it but we didn’t go in,” Sam said. “You want me to have a look in there now?”

“Have a look for what?” Hamfast Gamgee asked as he came toward the others. Pippin groaned when he saw who was with the Gaffer. It was Mistress Goodbody, the biggest gossip in all the Shire. Pippin’s mum had always said that if Mistress Goodbody knew something, she couldn’t wait to tell it and if she didn’t know it, she’d make it up! What was this? Was it some sort of breakfast lawn party? Every single time that Pippin was outside and less than properly dressed a crowd gathered.

He remembered waking up in nothing but his small clothes in the Brandybuck’s garden once during an outdoor breakfast. That had been embarrassing enough but now, he would be glad to be wearing his small clothes. Why couldn’t Marigold and Mistress Goodbody go away so he could get out of this blasted holly bush? It would be wonderful if the Gaffer would go with them as well. Pippin liked the Gaffer very much but if anyone could out-distance Mistress Goodbody in the gossip department it was the Gaffer!

“Good morning, Gaffer,” Merry said with a smile. “I was just asking Sam if he or Marigold had seen anyone near Frodo’s barn this morning. It seems we have a mystery on our hands.”

Better that then mosquito bites on your bum, Pippin thought in annoyance. It seems that everyone was having a fine time just chatting away while his legs were cramping up and his stomach was beginning to feel so empty that it was most likely sticking to his backbone. Also the sun was fully up now and though it made no sense at all, Pippin was starting to feel uncommonly warm. He had on far less than he normally did when out of doors and so he could only assume that the holly bush was holding in the heat.

“What sort o’ mystery is it?” Hamfast asked.

“Well, Papa,” Marigold said pointing to the lantern. “We may have found more evidence ‘o your garden shed prowler.”

Hamfast bent over and squinted at the lantern. “I locked that shed,” he said sounding angry. “If anyone’s been in it, then they broke in and you can be sure that I’ll be callin’ on the shirriffs!”

That was just about all Pippin needed about now. He would never get out of this mess if the shirriffs turned up here to look for prowlers. He might just as well stand up now and get it over with. He wiped a bead of sweat off of the end of his nose with one hand and pulled a twig out from underneath his sore bottom with the other.

“No one broke into the shed, Gaffer,” Sam assured him. “It was locked up tight when Marigold and me got here. It’s only that Mister Merry’s found this lantern out here along with some burnt cloth. Someone might have been prowlin’ around Mister Frodo’s smial last night.”

“Oh, save us!” Mistress Goodbody said, putting a chubby hand to her lips. “You don’t suppose that there are thieves about do you? I mean imagine what might happen if someone is actually going about in the night and trying to rob folks right here in Hobbiton!” She looked knowingly at the Gaffer. “You best keep an eye on your smial, Hamfast. It’s a good thing that my daughter, Tulip was safe in her bad last night and that she isn’t allowed out after dark. The prowler might harm a lass out after dark alone.”

“Oh, I doubt it’s as serious as all that,” Merry said evenly.

“This isn’t Buckland, you know,” she frowned at him putting her hands on her wide hips. “We folks here in Hobbiton aren’t used to locking our doors at night. This is a peaceful place. We don’t have all of the strange goings on that your folk seem willing to tolerate over across the water!”

Yes, well Pippin knew of at least three doors right here in Hobbiton that had been locked last night. He wasn’t likely to forget it any time soon as it had caused him a great deal of misery. Mistress Goodbody was also wrong about the peaceful part and wrong about where her darling Tulip had been last night. If she’d heard Tulip and Jody arguing last night she would know that not everyone in Hobbiton is peaceful.

“Whoever left this lantern out here could ‘o burned Mister Baggins’s place down,” Hamfast said looking at the burnt cloth in Merry’s hand and then at the lantern.

“He could have at that,” Merry said and Pippin felt as if Merry knew exactly who had left the lantern there. He felt his face grow hot with embarrassment.

“I’d fetch a shirriff if I were you, lad,” Mistress Goodbody said sternly.

“Fetch a shirriff for what?” Frodo asked as he opened the kitchen door and stuck out his head. “Is there something wrong, Merry?”

Pippin put his head against his knees and moaned softly. Now, they were going to have to start explaining all over again! He sat there with his head down for a while and didn’t bother listening to the endless chatter. He only caught snatches of it like, “We could all find ourselves burglarized!” and “Eggs will be getting cold if we don’t go eat them soon.” and “If that burglar gets into my shed again I’ll make him regret it!” He was starting to feel drowsy from being up for most of the night. In fact he might have dropped off to sleep for a while and so he was surprised when he heard his name.

“Pippin? Pip, where are you?”

It was Merry’s voice. He raised his head and peered through the holly leaves toward Bag End. He could see Sam and Merry but he didn’t see anyone else just now. He didn’t remember the others leaving. He wondered if he dared to say anything or if everyone else was still standing around just out of sight.

“Come on, Pip,” Merry said pleasantly.

Sam was shaking his head and looking at Merry. “I don’t know why you figure this has anythin’ to do with Mister Pippin,” Sam said.

Merry smiled at Sam. “After a while you just know these thing, Sam.”

Frodo came out of the back door carrying something that Pippin couldn’t quite make out and looked around. “Have you tried the barn or maybe the privy?”

“Not yet,” Merry said. “I was just waiting for you.”

“Well, I suggest we look inside of the buildings since those would afford the best cover.” Frodo grinned as he said this and Merry chuckled.

Sam looked puzzled. Pippin could tell that Sam wasn’t sure what the other two found funny.

Not wanting to be heard but hoping that Merry or Frodo might notice him, Pippin raised an arm up through the holly and waved his hand. He felt the nasty little leaves of the evil plant scrape his arm as he poked it out through the top of the bush but it hardly mattered now. He had to get out of here and if everyone went off toward the barn to look for him then he’d have to wait until they came back this way. He waved his hand frantically for a minute and then pulled it back down into the bushes. If Merry hadn’t seen him he couldn’t risk anyone else seeing him. He had no notion where Marigold, Mistress Goodbody, or the Gaffer might be now.

“Good idea, Cousin,” Merry was saying. “Why don’t we split up and I-“

Sam interrupted by reaching over and tapping Merry on the shoulder. He pointed out toward the holly bushes. “Mister Merry, I think that the holly bush just waved to you,” Sam said with amusement.

“The holly bush?” Frodo said looking pained at the mere thought of this.

“Pippin?” Merry called as he and Frodo and Sam started over toward Pippin’s hiding place.

Pippin could feel his face going as red as the tiny inedible berries on the bushes but he couldn’t stay in here any longer. “Over here,” he croaked and reached his hand back up so there would be no mistake.

Merry laughed just as Pippin had known he would and Frodo was grinning. Sam wasn’t sure what the joke was yet but he was following along. As the three of them reached the bushes, they stopped and Merry said, “I’m guessing that you are a bit short on clothing just now, Pip. Am I right?”

“Yes,” Pippin said just above a whisper. It had been a mistake to mention to Merry that he might try sleeping naked. Why couldn’t he ever keep his mouth shut?

“So getting up and coming out of there isn’t something that you can do right now is it?” Merry smirked.

“It isn’t funny, Meriadoc!” Pippin said irritated. Merry was enjoying this entirely too much. “And how do you know anyway?”

“Frodo noticed your nightshirt in the floor of your room when he went to call you to breakfast,” Merry said. “Then I found what was left of your dressing gown outside. Besides, you did say something about sleeping naked since it was so hot.”

“I have other clothing you know,” Pippin said frustrated.

“Are you wearing any of that other clothing now?” Frodo asked as Merry dissolved into a fit of giggles and Sam’s eyes widened.

“Well, no, but I could have been!” Pippin shouted. “I hardly think that it is at all fair of you to assume that I don’t have anything on from such flimsy evidence as you have.”

“You’re forgetting the largest piece of evidence,” Merry said.

“What’s that?” Pippin demanded.

“Well, I can’t think of any good reason to sit inside of a holly bush unless you don’t have any choice in the matter,” Merry said pleasantly.

“You mean he ain’t got nothin’ on?” Sam said looking amazed.

“Not a stitch,” Frodo said.

“Just get me something to put on and get me out of here,” Pippin moaned. “You can tease me after. I’m tired and my legs are cramping and half of the mosquitoes in the Shire feasted on me as if I were the buffet table at a birthday party and these horrible bushes have scraped half of my skin off!” As an afterthought Pippin said in a rather pitiful tone, “I’m hungry.”

“Well if this don’t beat all,” Sam said shaking his head.

Frodo held out his own dressing gown, which he had been carrying and then frowned. “I’m not sure how to go about this, Pippin,” he admitted. “I don’t think this will be easy to push down into the bushes and I can’t see how you will manage to put it on while in there.”

Pippin looked upward at the thick covering of holly leaves and shivered at the thought of just standing up and allowing all of those nasty little stickers to rake against his, well, against everything. The only way out was the way he’d got in to begin with and that was to crawl out. “I’m not wearing anything,” he said mournfully. “If I crawl out then you’ll be able to see me.”

“We’ve seen you naked before,” Merry said snorting.

“Not lately,” Pippin objected.

“Why don’t we all turn our backs and I will lay the dressing gown on the ground within reach?” Frodo suggested not able to keep the amusement out of his voice. “You can crawl out and put it on. No one will see anything.”

“All right,” Pippin said. “But don’t turn around until I say.” Pippin was convinced that if things of this sort insisted on happening to him he would likely have no dignity left before long. As it was now, there would be precious little to go around at this rate. He was using up his dignity with little hope of regaining it any time soon.

Frodo placed the dressing gown on the grass in front of the holly bushes and then rose to turn and face Bag End along with Merry who was shaking with silent laughter and Sam who was chuckling a bit. Once he was satisfied that none of them were looking, Pippin crawled out and quickly wrapped the dressing gown around himself then fumbled with the sleeves. He finally managed to get it on properly and to tie it about his waist. Embarrassed, but ever so grateful to be out of those bushes, Pippin stood and began walking toward Bag End with his head down. He couldn’t look at either of his cousins just now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Having had a bath, Pippin had put an ointment that Frodo had given him on his numerous mosquito bites and countless scratches and dressed in a loose pair of trousers and a shirt. He was currently sitting in Frodo’s favorite armchair finishing off his third helping of everything and avoiding eye contact with both of his cousins. Sam, being very thoughtful as always, had left so as to make things a tiny bit less embarrassing. To their credit, Merry and Frodo had not questioned Pippin too much about his evening out and neither of them had given him a fire safety lecture but Pippin still couldn’t meet their eyes without blushing. Finally, Frodo broke the uncomfortable silence just as Pippin finished eating.

“Why exactly were you sleeping naked, Pippin?” Frodo asked.

“It was hot,” Pippin said weakly.

“It wasn’t that hot,” Frodo said gently.

“It was hot enough,” Pippin said. “Anyway, I can’t sleep naked at home because someone is forever barging into my room unannounced. They all think that just because I used to do that to them when I was younger that they can do it to me.”

“Your sisters are getting even with you for having invaded their privacy all those years,” Merry said.

“I was just a child then and I didn’t know any better,” Pippin said looking at his toes. The one that he had stubbed was turning slightly bluish. “They know perfectly well what they’re doing.” He sighed. “But I don’t dare to sleep without anything on at home.”

“But you will risk it here,” Frodo said smiling.

“Well, you and Merry knock,” Pippin said. “And there aren’t any lasses living here so it’s safer.”

“After your recent experience, you might want to reconsider that a bit,” Frodo suggested.

“Berilac says that he sleeps that way all summer long,” Pippin said in an effort to justify his experiment.

Merry snorted. “When are you going to learn that Berilac enjoys lying to you, Pip? In fact he would enjoy knowing exactly how successful his lie had been this time. I can just hear him having a good, long, laugh over this.”

“You aren’t going to tell anyone about this are you?” Pippin asked nervously. “Either of you?”

“Who would believe it?” Merry asked. “Besides, I don’t relish the idea of making Berilac that happy. He’s insufferable when he’s happy.”

“No, we aren’t going to tell,” Frodo assured him with a warning glance at Merry. “Now why don’t you go lie down for a while and get some rest?"

Pippin stood and scratched at the seat of his trousers and yawned. “Maybe I will take a nap,” he said. Pippin shuffled out of the parlor sleepily hearing both of his older cousins chuckling behind him.

He was a bit itchy for several days and sometimes Merry would just look over at him and laugh but other than that the experience went largely un-remarked upon. Sam acted as if it had never happened which suited Pippin just fine.

The one lasting sore spot of it all was that every time Frodo or Merry saw a holly bush anywhere while Pippin was around one of them would say, “Oh, look Pippin. Isn’t that a lovely Pip-berry-bush?” Mercifully, if asked what the joke might be by anyone, both of Pippin’s older cousins simply shrugged and changed the subject while Pippin blushed as red as any of the holly berries. They enjoyed tormenting Pippin in this way but they didn’t embarrass him in front of other folks by telling the entire story. Considering what might have happened it was a small price to pay. Pippin found it very annoying that the Shire seemed to be filled with Pip-berry-bushes.

The End