Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, I just obsess about it all day.

I’m rating this ficlet PG, just to be safe. Enjoy!
 

#8: The Trouble with Lasses

Merry: 28, Pippin: 20, Estella: 25, Pervinca: 25
13 Thrimidge, 1410 SR

Pippin’s POV

Merry just doesn’t understand it. I try to explain it to him, but he just won’t listen. I think it’s because he doesn’t have any sisters and so he doesn’t spend any time with lasses really. He’s no doubt been brainwashed by Aunt Esme to think that lasses are lovely, fair-spoken creatures and that they only misbehave to get back for something that was done to them. He’s been led to believe that lasses never start trouble, that they simply are incapable of anything devious. He’s obviously forgotten about my sisters’ little prank on us a few years back, but I haven’t. I remember everything they’ve ever got away with.

See, I have three older sisters, so I know the truth about lasses. I figured it out a long time ago: lasses really are worse than lads. They’re diabolical! They do all manners of inconceivable things and they get away with it just because they’re lasses. All they have to do is pretend they didn’t know what they were doing was wrong, or they blame the lads and we get in trouble instead. Or they cry. They’re really good at crying and do you think any father would scold his daughter when she’s crying? Of course not! Oh, but if I try the same thing, Da just tells me to be a big lad and act more responsible, because I’m going to be Thain one day. It’s just not fair.

You can’t trust lasses. I knew it was coming to trouble as soon as Estella (and therefore my sister since they’re best friends) started hanging around wherever we went. I tried telling Merry, but he wouldn’t listen. He said I’m too young and don’t understand, but I know more than he does about lasses. I told him to not let them hang about, but he let them anyway.

I mean, this is Pervinca I’m talking about! She’s the worst of them all. Everyone thinks she learned all her troublemaking from me, but it’s really the other way around. I learned it all from her (and Merry of course). So I knew that any friend of Vinca’s would be just as bad and I was right. If Berry had been there, he would have backed me up, but he was back at the Hall helping Uncle Mac with something. If Frodo had been there, he would have stopped it straight away, but he was having his customary tea with Aunt Esme and Uncle Sara.

So it is just Merry and I out this afternoon. We go to the River to watch the workers construct a new boat. I’ve never seen a boat built before, but Merry has and he answers all my questions since the workers are too busy to listen. When I get bored of that, Merry suggests going for a walk along the River and maybe going for a swim. It’s warm today and so a swim would feel nice.

We don’t have any swim clothes with us, so we have to walk down the River a ways and around a bend so there’s no one around. But we walk too far, because soon we can hear a pair of lasses giggling nearby, disturbing our peace and quiet. I know immediately who it is and I can hear them splashing about in the water. Merry knows who it is too. He groans under his breath and slows down.

“Come on Merry,” I say, “let’s go somewhere else.”

I know Merry is tired of Estella and Vinca. He let them tag around after us all week and while he was polite about it at first, he’s been agitated by them the last couple of days. He didn’t even talk to Ella at all during his birthday party last night. In fact, he avoided her altogether. So I figure he’ll listen to me now and leave before anything can happen. But instead he gets that mischievous gleam in his eye and starts walking again. I follow reluctantly. No good can come of this, whatever ‘this’ is.

We walk through a bit of brush and see their dresses and underclothes lying on the ground. They’re in the water, playing and laughing, and they don’t see us at first. There’s a big rock where they’re at and all we can see are their heads bobbing up and down as they splash each other. Merry positions himself between the river and their clothes.

“Well, well, what have we here,” Merry says innocently.

The lasses scream and cling to the rock. “Meriadoc Brandybuck, you insufferable brat!” Estella says. “Pippin!” Pervinca yells.

Oh, no, we’re in trouble now. Big, big trouble. What is Merry thinking?

Merry keeps his innocent face on. “You’re quite a long a way from the Hall,” he says and he’s trying to sound concerned. He looks around dramatically. “And without any escort besides. That isn’t proper at all. What would your parents think?”

“Please, Merry, let’s just go,” I hiss under my breath and tug his hand.

“An escort? Here? Whoever heard of such a ridiculous thing?” Vinca says and I can tell she’s getting angrier by the minute. She’s glaring at us like she’s ready to throttle us where we stand.

“Ridiculous is it?” Merry says. “Oh, I’m not so sure about that. An escort, for starters, would have seen to it that you weren’t come upon unawares. And he would make sure no one stole your clothes.” And now he smiles sweetly and starts to bend down for the dresses.

“Meriadoc, don’t you dare!” Pervinca shouts.

“He won’t do it,” Ella says calmly. She’s gotten over the shock of finding us standing there and is looking up at Merry shrewdly. Yes, we’re in very big trouble.

“Merry, let’s go,” I try again, to no avail.

He doesn’t hear me. He’s looking at Ella, still smiling sweetly. “Oh, I won’t will I? And why not? I don’t see anything stopping me.”

Estella shrugs. “Very well then. Take our clothes. Let’s see how far you get with them. Of course, you’ll probably hide them somewhere, which means we’ll either have to go look for them and hope no one sees us, or we’ll have to wait until someone comes along to get them for us. I think we’ll wait, don’t you Vinca?”

“Wait?”

“Yes, we’ll wait, either until someone comes along, or it’s dark enough to get out and look around. Of course, that would prove rather interesting wouldn’t it? If someone comes along, we’ll have to explain how our clothes got all the way into the woods. And if we wait until dark, then everyone will be wondering where we are. They’ll have to come look for us, unless Merry tells them where they might be able to find us, and then he would have explain what he did. So you see, he’s not going to take our clothes, are you Merry?” And she smiles sweetly now as Merry narrows his eyes and seethes. She would wait too, no matter how cold she got.

Merry looks down at the dresses, considering the situation. I wait and don’t bother saying anything since he seems to have forgotten that I’m here anyway.

“Very well,” Merry says at last and sits down. “Then I appoint myself as your escort. Just let me know when you’re ready for your clothes.” He smiles now, thinking he’s scored a point.

Vinca growls and Ella rolls her eyes and, if I’m not quite mistaken, swears under her breath. Vinca leans over and starts whispering in Estella’s ear. I worry even more now, because I know what this means. They’re collaborating, scheming. I’ve seen this many times before and since it’s Pervinca and Estella, I know it will come to nothing good.

They giggle, a bad sign. I glance at Merry and he frowns. He at least has the sense to know that the lasses shouldn’t be giggling in their position, but they are. They whisper some more and giggle again. Then they look over at us and smile much too sweetly. They have that coy expression on their faces that I know far too well.

“Actually,” Pervinca says, “I think I’m ready for my clothes now. Aren’t you, Ella?”

“We have been in this river quite a long time,” Estella says. She gives Merry a calculating look and continues in her falsely innocent tone, “I’m quite ready to dry off and get back to the Hall. Now, Merry, as our escort, and a perfect gentlehobbit besides, you won’t look will you?”

I’ve never seen Merry move so quickly before in my entire life. He covers his eyes with lightning speed and does the same to me, nearly taking my eye out as he claps his hand over my face. I can only hear now and I know that Pervinca and Estella have come out of the river by the sloshing of the water, and Merry most definitely swears under his breath.

“It seems we forgot to bring towels with us Ella.”

“Well, we’ll just lie on the rock and let the sun dry us.”

Merry swears again and his hand is sweating and shaking. We can’t leave now, because with our eyes closed we can’t see where to go. We’re stuck here now and the lasses are just laughing and chatting as if there is nothing out of the ordinary about this at all. Time seems to stop and my legs are going numb from sitting cross-legged by the time we hear them walk behind us and grab their clothes. They take their time dressing and they’re quite clumsy about the whole affair. Merry’s hand over my eyes shake and sweat even worse than before and he’s muttering swear words nearly nonstop but I don’t think the lasses hear him.

“Merry,” Estella calls sweetly a while later. “Aren’t you going to escort us back to the Hall now?”

Slowly, we peek out from Merry’s hands and see them fully dressed and waiting near the path back to the Hall. We breathe sighs of relief, but poor Merry is rather rattled and flustered by all this. His plan, whatever it had been, failed completely. That doesn’t happen to him often, so I guess that’s why he’s all red and shaky. He manages to stand up and gamely walks toward them. I follow close behind. I don’t trust these lasses with my Merry for a second.

Estella and Pervinca are still smiling sweetly. Vinca thumps me on the head and grabs my shirt and pulls me ahead. I only just see Estella slip her arm through Merry’s before my sister and I are walking in front of them. No one says anything all the way to the Hall, but for some reason, Merry grows even more flustered than he was when we left the river. The lasses stop behind the stables, where there’s no one else around and Estella finally releases Merry from her grasp. But Merry doesn’t move. He’s glued to the spot and seems to have forgotten how to use his feet.

“Now, Merry, it just occurred to me that I never got a present from you last night,” Estella says, but she’s not angry about it. She smiles again and starts straightening Merry’s collar. “I’ll just have to take a present for myself I suppose.” And she grabs his collar and pulls him into a kiss! Ew!

I can only stand there in complete shock. This is the worst thing a lass can ever do to a lad. She’s infected him now, you see? When she and Vinca finally leave, laughing as they go of course, Merry can only stand there, stunned and disoriented. I have to do something, so I take his hand and lead him into the Hall and to his room.

Now he’s lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling with that far away look he gets when he’s plotting some prank or scheme. But he’s not plotting anything now. He’s numb, I can tell. I hope he doesn’t get sick, but I’m not so sure he’ll be able to survive this. I’ve seen older lads fall into this illness that lasses can give them and they’re never the same after. I’m angry with Estella for doing this, but there’s nothing I can do about it. If I go to Da or Mum, I know I’ll wind up getting us into trouble for being down by the River and Vinca and Ella will get off scot-free. But that’s the trouble with lasses; they always get away with everything.
 

Merry’s POV

I told Cousin Wilco to leave his cousin Estella at home this visit out, but she somehow found out that Pervinca would be here and she begged her father to let her come. Wilco apologized when they arrived, but the week was already ruined. That’s what always happens when Estella’s around.

It didn’t always used to be like this. Estella used be just like one of the lads; she would play just as rough and give us all a run for our money. She didn’t shy away from any prank or ploy we might come up with and she was good at most games. She was also smaller than all of us and could get into places the rest of us couldn’t, so it was always a good idea to have her along, for practical purposes.

The last few visits however, Ella’s been spending nearly every waking moment with my friends and me. That is normal enough, but she’s different now. She acts less and less like a lad with each passing month. Her dresses are always clean and finely pressed, and the sleeves have ruffles now. Her hair, usually pulled back into a sloppy ponytail, is now well brushed and flowing freely down her back, pulled back only a little at the top with a ribbon or two. She’s taken to bathing with some special soap, I can tell because I can smell it whenever she lingers too close. She used to smell like dirt and sweat, normal-like, but now she always smells like flowers. I’m afraid to say that Ella has turned into a lass.

Just like all lasses her age, she annoys every lad she comes into contact with, but she seems to have taken a penchant to me for some reason. She’s always hovering every time I turn around and making a nuisance of herself. She looks at me all the time and is constantly talking about all sorts of things I couldn’t possibly be interested in. The most annoying thing about her is how I can always still hear her voice when I’m lying in bed at night, and somehow that flowery soap of hers works its way into my clothes so that I can smell her even when she isn’t around, making it nearly impossible to stop thinking about her.

So I told Wilco, who always somehow winds up escorting her, to leave her at home. But she came anyway. Typical of her really. That at least didn’t change. She never used to listen all that much before either. You say ‘go’ and she stays. You say ‘stay’ and she leaves. This must be some universal habit of lasses where they always do the exact opposite of what you want them to do.

I let it be, hoping that with Pervinca here, they’d go off and leave us alone, but that doesn’t happen. In fact, it gets worse. With Vinca here, Ella acts even more like a lass than ever before. They talk constantly about clothes and hair and they’re always laughing and giggling about something or another. And they talk about lads, right in front of us, as if we can’t hear them! They talk about how this lad is cuter than that lad, or how this one is smarter, or sweeter, and they don’t even care when we make gagging noises to hint for them to be quiet. They just look at us and roll their eyes and go on with their inane conversations.

So we start ignoring them. We just play our games and plot our schemes and don’t pay them any mind. I think this upsets them, but they can’t honestly expect everything to stop just because they’re around. Really, they should stop being rude and go off and entertain themselves and leave us alone already. Estella especially, since she’s now developed a tendency to nitpick anything I do or say, and the more I ignore her, the more she nitpicks. I’m at the end of my tether, but Frodo says I have to be nice to her, because she’s my guest and I should play the proper host. Sometimes, Frodo can be really annoying.

I decide not to listen to him and ignore Estella all through my birthday party. After all, she isn’t supposed to be here and I don’t have a present for her anyway. And there is no way I’m dancing with her like she was hinting at all day. I spend the night instead with Pippin and Berilac and we have drinking contests. We drink punch of course, since we’re not old enough to drink ale yet – or Pippin isn’t anyway – and it’s more fun with punch in any case since you can’t get drunk and pass out. I get through the entire night this way without having to hear any of her prattle.

She decides to get back at me by ignoring me at breakfast this morning, but how this is supposed to be a punishment I have no idea. Lasses. They just don’t make any sense. But at least she’s leaving me alone for a change, and she’ll thankfully be returning to Budgeford after dinner. I’m about to be free of her for good. Well, for a few months at least.

Pippin and I go to the River to watch the workers build a new boat. I’ve seen plenty of boats being built and Uncle Mac is an expert boatman. He knows all about them and so I know a lot about them too. Pippin tries asking the workers how and why they’re doing everything, but they’re not like Sam. They won’t stop what they’re doing to answer questions and then stay an hour or two past dark to get all their work done. They just keep right on working and pretend Pippin isn’t there. So I answer Pip’s questions for him.

When he stops to think of more questions, I start telling him about a fish Mac caught once when he and Berilac were down by the sea. It was a giant fish and took up almost the whole boat. They had a time of it reeling it in and that fish fed the entire Hall for supper when they got back. Pippin just nods and lies on his back to look at the clouds. He has that expression he gets when he doesn’t believe a word I’m saying, but he goes along with it as long as I keep talking. He’s annoying when he does that, but I can prove it to him. We still have the bones from that fish and we when get back to the Hall, I’ll show them to him. I tell him this and he just nods again.

Finally Pippin gets bored and I decide we should go swimming. It’s warmer today than it has been all week and we always try to go swimming at least once when he visits if we can. So we walk along the River looking for a good, private place we can skinny-dip since neither of us have our swim clothes. And that’s when we run into them, Pervinca and Estella. I groan in annoyance. I finally get a day away from them and they still manage to wreck it somehow! But then I realize they must be here skinny-dipping too, and I get an idea. I’ll show Ella for ruining the week. I’ll teach her who’s the boss.

Pippin says we should go, but I ignore him. I know this is going to work. The lasses will be petrified and they’ll have to admit that I’m in the position of authority. They’ll have to promise to leave me alone on future visits or I’ll leave them there without their clothes.

Somehow, it doesn’t quite work out that way. I don’t even get to my proposition before Estella butts in and uses more logic than a lass has the right to possess. She obliterates my plan before I can even put it into motion and she smiles at me like she knows exactly what she did and she’s not the least bit sorry for it. Well, I can still show her.

I sit down, knowing they can’t get out of the water as long as we’re there. I pretend to be concerned about their safety and offer myself as an escort. I can see this new plan is working quite well. The lasses are powerless to do anything and Ella herself said she would wait there until nightfall. Of course, I plan to get up much sooner than that, as soon as my point is made and they promise to leave me alone. I figure half an hour should do it.

Then they laugh. Why are they laughing? They’re naked in the water, freezing cold no doubt, and we have their clothes. How could they possibly find anything funny about this? Pervinca smirks over at us. I can see how she might think she has a bit of position here, being as Pip is her kid brother and she could get revenge on him later, but I fail to see why Ella is so smug all of a sudden. Until Vinca speaks.

“Actually, I think I’m ready for my clothes now. Aren’t you, Ella?”

“We have been in this river quite a long time,” Estella says. She gives me that look of hers that means she’s figured something out and continues in that ‘innocent little lass’ tone I’ve heard so many times before, “I’m quite ready to dry off and get back to the Hall. Now, Merry, as our escort, and a perfect gentlehobbit besides, you won’t look will you?”

It’s not long before I realize what she means. She starts to stand up, casual as you please, and it’s all I can do to cover Pip’s and mine eyes before either of us sees anything we’d be whipped blind for seeing. I hear them getting out of the water and padding around by the banks. I hope that they’ll hurry up and get their clothes and get dressed and I wonder why I don’t hear them approaching. I think I say a couple of choice words under my breath in my panic. This isn’t supposed to happen this way. They are ruining everything.

“It seems we forgot to bring towels with us Ella.”

“Well, we’ll just lie on the rock and let the sun dry us.”

Another few choice words fly out of my mouth. I seem incapable of stopping them. I can’t believe these lasses! Whoever heard of such inappropriate behavior! They should be ashamed to be doing what they’re doing. I know Uncle Pally would belt Vinca’s bottom until she couldn’t sit for a month if he saw what she was doing right now, but there’s no way on this good earth I’m going to ever tell anyone about any of this.

The lasses start talking, about lads again if you can believe it. They’re unbelievable! They just talk and talk, and it’s all I can do not to get up and run away in a blind panic. Then, if that isn’t bad enough, when they finally do start getting dressed, they stand far too close to us. Vinca keeps stepping on her brother. I can tell it’s her because she keeps saying “Sorry Pip” every time he says “Ow!”

Which means Ella is the one standing behind me. I can feel her legs against my back as she’s doing whatever is it she’s doing and at one point, she reaches down to grab my shoulder, to steady herself from falling over I assume. Her hand and legs are still cold from the river, but for some reason, my skin begins to burn where she’s touching me, and the warmth spreads up to my face and I can tell I’m blushing brighter than fire. She thankfully lets go and steps away after a couple of seconds. Finally I can hear them walk away and I think I’m about to be free of this horror when I hear, “Merry, aren’t you going to escort us back to the Hall now?”

Slowly, Pip and I peek out from behind my hands and we see them waiting by the path back to the Hall. Aside from their still-damp hair, you would never guess they had just been skinny-dipping, and they’re standing there expectantly. I want to smack myself for getting into this position. Could this afternoon possibly get any worse? The very last thing I want to do is walk Estella and Pervinca back to the Hall after all that. But I have no choice. I offered myself as an escort and they’re waiting for me.

I manage to pick myself up and somehow keep my feet under me. Pippin’s pulled away from me rather brutally by his sister and I’m left with Estella. I look at her, wondering what abominable thing she is going to do next. She slips her arm through mine and starts walking, just as if I were escorting her into a ball or something.

I can feel my heart beating a mile a minute and I’m getting dizzy I’m so short of breath. It doesn’t help that Ella is pressing herself to me and she keeps looking over at me and smiling sweetly. What does she want with me already? Why can’t she just leave me alone? What does a fellow have to do to get some peace?

After what seems like forever, we reach the stables and Estella lets me go. I wait to see what she does next, hoping she just leaves and goes somewhere so that I’ll never have to see her again. I realize with dread that we still have dinner to get through before she and Wilco return to Budgeford. But she doesn’t leave. She just keeps standing there, looking at me.

“Now, Merry, it just occurred to me that I never got a present from you last night,” Ella says, and smiles again. Then she reaches out and starts fixing my collar, which doesn’t need fixing, and her fingers brush lightly against my neck, sending shivers down my spine.

So this is why she’s tormenting me. To get back at me for ignoring her at the party last night. Of all the nerve! She deserved to be ignored! She deserved much worse than that actually, she deserves – “I’ll just have to take a present for myself I suppose,” she continues, interrupting my thoughts.

She grabs my collar and pulls me toward her and before I know it, her lips are pressed to mine. Everything stops. Everything ceases to exist but her. The lavender shampoo she used in her hair that morning, the vanilla lotion she spreads on her delicate skin, the taste of strawberries on her mouth, her fingers at my collar, burning my neck. I lift my hand and am about to run my fingers through that silky soft hair of hers when she pulls away and lets me go.

“Thank you for bringing us back safely Merry,” she says and smiles again. Her teeth are pearly white and her chestnut curls hang loosely over her shoulders, just begging to be brushed behind her back. She and Vinca leave then, and all I can do is stare after them, stare after her.

Somehow, I wind up in my room and Pippin is there, worried sick about me I can tell, but I’m not able to reassure him. I’m not sure he would believe me even if I attempt to anyway. I look at the clock on the wall and I see that it’s past the dinner hour. Which means Estella’s gone. She’s gone and she won’t be here tomorrow or the day after. She won’t be back for months. Just when I want her to be here, she leaves. But that’s the trouble with lasses; they always leave when you want them to stay.

End of this ficlet. 

 
 
 
GF 11/30/04