VII

Eglantine sat for a moment in stunned silence then she checked Pippin's breathing and listened to his heartbeat. All seemed well. She had feared that his outburst would hurt him somehow but gradually his breathing grew quieter and more rhythmic.

Merry and his Mother came into the room quietly. Esmeralda went straight to Eglantine, they hugged one-another tightly.

"We got here as fast as we could, Lanti," Esme said. "How are you doing? How is Pippin?"

Eglantine sat back down, taking Pippin's hand in hers. "I’m perplexed. He woke up just a bit ago." Merry thought her voice should sound happy but it wasn't. "He seemed to be doing well until I mentioned he was ill." She looked at Merry. "Pippin said he wasn't sick, he said he was horrible and that he had hurt you. He seemed to think you wouldn't want to see him Merry. I told him you had ridden hard just to be here, just to be with him." She looked down at Pippin again. "He was so worked up. It was too much too quickly, he fainted."

There was silence in the room. For a few minutes no one spoke.

"I need to be with him." Merry sounded angry. "I should have been here when he woke up. It needed to be me he spoke with." Esme and Lanti stared at Merry, surprised at his tone of voice. "Get out! I want both of you out. I want everyone out." Then Merry looked at their shocked faces. He seemed to collapse into himself. He sat heavily into the chair by the bed with his head in his hands. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Pearl can explain it all to you. I'm tired, frightened and I just need to be with Pippin." He looked back and forth between them. "Please, let me stay with him. Please."

"Yes, I think that would be best," his Aunt said after a long pause. "I'm sorry I sent you away before. We'll go and talk to Pearl. Your Uncle and Father will be in the room across the tunnel, Merry. If anything happens or you need help, go to them. I'll give instructions that you aren't to be bothered." She stood and took her sister-in-law by the arm. "Come along Esmeralda, we need to sit down with Pearl and have a talk."

Merry sat as close to the bed as he could. He gently took Pippin in his arms hugging him tight to his chest. Without realizing it he started to slowly rock back and forth as one would do when holding a child that needs comforting.

"Pippin, you'll not wake up without me here." He whispered into his cousin's ear. "That won't happen again. You'll know I'm not angry with you. We'll talk this all out. Everything," his breath caught in his throat, "everything will be fine Pip." Tears crept over his eyelids to trickle down his cheeks. "Just wake up Pip, so we can make things right again. Just wake up."

Merry didn't know how long he sat there rocking Pippin. He felt the note he had written long ago crinkling in his pocket. Like when he wrote it, he was content to just sit holding his "brother". Merry was nearly falling asleep and his hold on Pippin had loosened when he became aware that Pippin was moving. He was snuggling in closer, returning Merry's hug.

"Pippin. Are you waking up Pippin?" He started to lay Pippin back down but Pippin's grip on him tightened.

"No. Don't let go." The words were so hushed that Merry almost didn't hear them. "I'll be lost. I won't be able to find you if you let go." Pippin sounded small and frightened.

"I won't let go then, Pip."

"I'm scared Merry. It's so dark and noisy."

Merry understood. There had been a bad thunderstorm one time when Pippin had been visiting at Brandy Hall. He had only been about seven years old. Pippin had climbed into bed with Merry, shaking with terror. Pippin had to be dreaming about that night. Still holding Pippin firmly, Merry laid him down on his side. Then Merry laid down on top of the covers, letting Pippin curl up close beside him, just like he had on that long ago stormy night. "I'm here Pippin, I won't leave you alone." Pippin pushed his head into Merry's shoulder as Merry slowly fell asleep.

Pippin felt comfortable. He recognized the wonderful feeling of being in his warm cozy bed and being not quite awake. He had surely had some strange dreams he thought as bits and pieces of sounds and images floated by in his mind. His Mother's voice and Pearl's. Himself sitting at his desk with papers on the floor. In front of his fireplace burning something other than wood. Pippin moaned a little, shifting positions to try to make the thoughts change. He remembered his chest hurting and the sound of concern in the voices around him. Maybe he had been sick. He could smell the odd mix of smells from a mustard and onion poultice mixing with the smell of rosemary, thyme and clary in rubbing oil. Yes, he must have been ill. Something had been wrong. He tried to find a comfortable position but he bumped into something. A look of confusion flitted across his face followed by a faint smile. "That's right," he thought, "there was a bad storm and I was frightened and I came to Merry to feel safe." He cuddled up to Merry's warm body sighing contentedly. His mind started to drift away but then it came to a sudden halt. "Wait!" His thought said. "That was a long time ago!"

Pippin opened one eye, the other being buried in the pillow, and looked squarely at Merry's chest. Pippin pulled away a bit. He turned his head and opened his other eye. The view didn't change. It was Merry for certain, Pippin recognized the waistcoat. Waistcoat? He glanced down. Where as he was in his nightshirt and under the covers, Merry was fully dressed and stretched out on top of the covers. This was all very odd. Pippin tipped his head back a bit to look at Merry's face. Merry's head was at a strange angle from having slipped off the edge of the pillow. He was sound asleep with his mouth slightly open, snoring softly. What was Merry doing lying down with him? "I'm not a frightened little hobbit anymore," thought Pippin. "I'm twenty-five and Merry is . . ." He jerked rather weakly away from his sleeping cousin. His eyes grew large as all the memories of their argument came washing over him. His sudden movement startled Merry.

"Pippin!" Merry exclaimed, a sleepy smile on his face. "Pippin you're awake!" But Pippin backed a little further away, slowly easing himself up to rest heavily on his elbow with his head drooping over onto his shoulder.

"What are you doing here, Merry?" Pippin asked, his voice heavy with sadness. "You're angry with me," he paused a moment, suddenly confused by the thoughts rushing through his head, "or you should be after what I did to you. I heard your voice awhile ago, but I thought it was a dream, an old memory. Why are you here?"

"I came because my best friend has been terribly sick." Merry moved so that his head was raised and resting in his hand. "I was afraid that I was part of why my best friend was so ill, because I had been cruel and stupid and I'd hurt him."

Pippin's right hand had moved to touch the scarf around his neck. It was an unconscious habit he had whenever he was troubled. Pippin looked down at his fingers as they wound in and out among the fringe.

"A best friend wouldn't have hit you," he quietly said, keeping his eyes lowered.

"It was the only way you could have stopped me Pip." Pippin raised his head looking at Merry in surprise. "I couldn't stop Pippin," Merry continued. "I wanted to. I hated what I was saying, but it wouldn't stop." Merry reached over and took Pippin's chin in a firm grip, making sure that Pippin was looking at him. "I would have hit you." Merry said slowly and firmly to make sure the meaning of the words came through.

Pippin's eyes widened. "What?!"

"I realized it while I was on the ground trying to catch my breath." At this Pippin tried to look away but Merry kept hold of his chin. "My hands were in fists because I had been ready to hit you, and Pippin," Merry's grip tightened until it almost hurt, "I would have kept on hitting you. I was too angry, too scared about what I thought was going to happen to my life. It wasn't you I was angry at, it was my life. It was the whole "coming of age" thing. I was crazy. I was out of control and I would have hit you until I had hurt you badly." Merry let go of Pippin's chin and his head slipped from resting on his hand to land face first in the pillow. His shoulders shook as he sobbed.

Pippin let go of his scarf. He moved closer to Merry, put his arm around him and held him while he cried. This was not what Pippin had expected at all, that he would be comforting Merry. He worked his other arm under Merry's neck so that both arms were wrapped around his cousin. He was feeling tired anyway and it felt good to lie there. Pippin had known that Merry was hurting badly, and now, suddenly, he understood why.

"You thought your Dad was going to die and you would be Master of Buckland, didn't you Merry." Merry's head nodded. "You could have told me, Merry. I would have understood. I'd thought about it, how things might go for you. You know, when your Dad was sick. I'd thought about how it would be for me someday with my Dad becoming head of the family and Thain this past year. Although it's all a bit farther off for me." Pippin sighed. "I know it seems overwhelming."

They laid there together while Merry cried out all the hurt he had inside. Finally Merry pulled away from Pippin. He reached into his inside jacket pocket to get his handkerchief, to wipe his eyes and blow his nose. As he did his hand brushed against the old note. He pulled it out with the handkerchief. After cleaning himself up, he held the folded paper up for Pippin to see.

"Here Pippin," he said. "You need to read this."

Pippin took the paper but didn't open it. "Why? What is it?" He asked looking it over carefully. "It looks kind of old."

"Here, let me get you sat up a bit more, Pippin." Merry lifted his cousin’s shoulders up then tucked two pillows behind him, making him as comfortable as he could. "Open it and read it, Pip. Be careful, it's nearly as old as you are."

Pippin looked at Merry with a surprised look, but then turned his attention back to the piece of paper. He carefully unfolded the paper. "You wrote this!" He turned in surprise to look at Merry. "It's your writing, but a bit different."

"I was only eight years old at the time," Merry said with a grin.

Pippin's eyebrows went up a bit at that. He turned back to the letter. An amazed look came over his features as he read what Merry and his Mother had written. He swallowed hard a couple of times while wiping his sleeve across his eyes. The flood of emotions started him coughing. Merry gave him a handkerchief, held him and thumped him on the back. When the coughing fit passed, Merry leaned his cousin back against the pillows. He made Pippin take some sips of water and waited for his breathing to ease. After a few minutes, and some more water, Pippin looked again at the paper. He read it through again as though not quite sure he had read it right the first time. Pippin finally let his hand drop. He looked over at Merry who was once again propped up on his elbow. Merry had an odd smile on his face.

"Well?" Merry said. "Do you think I was a crazy child?" Merry's look changed as he saw the expression on Pippin's face. Pippin wore a look of wonder that brought the sparkle back into his eyes.

"You adopted me!" There was joy in his voice. "I was a baby that couldn't do anything yet, I couldn't even smile at you on purpose, but you adopted me!"

Merry wasn't prepared for this reaction. He had expected Pippin to laugh. "Well, yes, even though you were that little."

"Why? You've got other cousins closer to your age." Pippin looked at the letter then back at Merry. "I've always wondered why me." He took a few breaths before he went on. "Why you've spent so much time with me. I mean, you had awhile to wait before I was any fun to be with."

Merry took a few seconds to think then sat up before answering. "Actually Pippin, I think I just today figured out part of why. Only a part but an important part. You are the only cousin, the only hobbit other than our Dads, who would understand."

"Understand what?"

"Who we are Pippin. We're the eldest sons in the only families in the Shire who have titles that get passed down." Merry looked down at his hands for a moment before continuing. "Even then I liked to listen at closed doors." He and Pippin looked at each other, grinning knowingly. "Already there was talk of old Ferumbras III not being married, of his not leaving an heir. Folk telling my Mum that her brother would be The Took and Thain. She always shrugged it off, but I never forgot about it. I mean it's not like we will run the Shire and Buckland singlehandedly or any such thing. But, well, The Master of Buckland and The Thain of the Shire are looked up to." Merry gathered his thoughts for a second then went on. "That's not all of why I wanted you for my brother, but I think it's part at least. My parents didn't go on about it too much, but they did talk about my one day becoming The Master of Buckland. It made me feel different from my other cousins. I knew I was this special person even though I didn't understand what it was all about. Then your mother was expecting you." Merry looked up at Pippin. "And everyone was hoping you'd be a boy so your father would have an heir. 'He'll be The Took and Thain someday, mark my words, and he’ll be needin’ an heir,' different ones kept saying. I realized that if Aunt Eglantine and Uncle Paladin had a boy, he'd be special like me." Merry looked down again. "That and, well, I just liked you for some reason. You were just different somehow." He looked carefully at Pippin, at his slender build, small, sharp features, his fair complexion, his green Took eyes. "You've got a lot of Fallohide hobbit in you, as do I, and it’s said they were different. They say they were Elf-friends long ago. It’s also said that Tooks might have Fairy blood in them." Pippin started to laugh softly. "I know," Merry said, blushing, "the Tooks deny it. But you know, my Mum never has. She always says, ‘You just never know, Merry, my lad. You just never know.’ " Merry shrugged his shoulders. "You're just better than my other cousins, except Frodo." His words faded off and he sat staring at his hands.

Pippin broke the silence. "I'm not ready to get up, Merry," he said. "Would you get my lap desk for me?"

Merry thought it an odd request but he got off the bed, then came back with the small slope topped box. He helped Pippin sit up a little bit straighter then Merry placed the desk on Pippin's lap. Pippin opened it, took out the bottle of ink, a pen and the blotter then closed the box. The lid was on too tight, so Merry opened the ink then set the bottle in the well. Pippin picked up the old folded note from the bed. He opened it out as flat as he could on the writing surface. Merry sat slowly down in the chair by the bed and watched transfixed as Pippin dipped his pen and began to write. The quill trembled as Pippin wrote slowly with a shaky hand. When he finished, he blotted then blew on what he had written before handing the paper to Merry. At the bottom of the page Merry read:

                                Cousin Merry,

                                Peregrin Took

                                P.S. I will keep this a secret, if that is still what you wish.

"I love you too, Merry."

Merry heard Pippin's sleep heavy voice as he was still looking at what his "brother" had written. Pippin had said what Merry wanted to, but hadn't. When he looked up, Pippin was asleep.

Finis