Wishful Thinking

By songspinner

S.R. 1423

"___! You're finally here! I've been waiting and waiting!"

Pippin's whoop of joy carried clear across the bridge and the water of the river, and Legolas was glad to hear it. When he reached the other side, Gimli's thumping footsteps trailing along behind, the elf braced himself.

And just in time, as he was hit by a whirlwind of curls, excited hobbit, and the scent of pipeweed. Elven skill and balance was all that allowed him to stay on his feet.

"And this is the one who is to be considered of age?" Legolas laughed as he knelt to properly return his friend's embrace.

"Don't forget that I saw you climb trees in Ithilien just for the sheer joy of it. And you an Elf Lord..." Pippin teased back, not offended at all. He pulled away only to hug Gimli, who was just as delighted to see him as was Legolas.

"Well, Master Took, it is about time that your people acknowledged what we two already knew. And where is Meriadoc?"

Pippin grabbed Legolas' hand to pull him along the path. "Putting together the party. He's being awfully mysterious, you know. Secrets and letters I'm not allowed to see." He shook his head in mock solemnity as they walked. "He's getting quite sneaky in his old age."

"Sneaky, hmmm?" Gimli grumbled with a grin. "Shall I remind you of certain evenings in Minas Tirith?"

"Oh, no, that's quite all right," Pippin interrupted hastily. "No need for that."

...

Merry had been glad to see their friends again at Crickhollow, asking after Aragorn and the others, wanting to know everything the elf and dwarf had seen during their travels. Laughing, they'd told him to wait until after the party, as they'd be staying for a few days, if it was acceptable. That afternoon, as Merry came around the corner, he happened to glance out the window and noticed Pippin slipping behind the tree at the far end of the pasture. "Legolas," he asked with a frown. "Do you happen to know what is wrong with my cousin? He has gone off by himself again and I'm fair worried about him. I would think he'd be excited about this party."

The elf perched on the rounded window ledge, somehow still managing to look graceful. "He seems troubled, my friend. Pippin is not usually the sort to stay away when friends are visiting, nor avoid the preparations for a celebration."

"No," Merry mused. "We've had no few parties here and Pip's usually in the thick of things. There's just been an oddness about him the last few days. Odder than usual, I mean," he added with a sad little smile. "He probably needs a few moments to himself before I chase after him."

"Merry, may I ask you a question?" Legolas said, extending one slender hand to pull Merry up on the ledge beside him. Accepting the help, the hobbit sat on the windowsill.

"I'm sure I've asked you enough of them this morning for a hobbit lifetime if not an elf's, so certainly, yes." Merry answered.

"It is only that I wondered why you were both here at Crickhollow," commented Legolas. "I somehow expected to find you with your families. You told us so much about them when we were resting at Minas Tirith."

"They are well, but... Shall I tell you, then?" At the elf's nod, Merry settled back against the rounded wood of the window frame. He traced idle patterns on the glass for a moment as he gathered the memories to speak...

S.R. 1419

Merry was tossing and turning in his bed. Granted, they'd been on the road for a very long time since Minas Tirith, but he just couldn't get used to being back. And there the was the matter of the size of the bed itself...one would think, he thought wryly, that being back to a Hobbit-sized home would be a relief. He was going to have to build a new bed soon, or else his back would feel as though he'd been sleeping on rocks. Also, he had to admit in the back of his mind, there was not having his cousins and Sam sleeping in the same room as they had in Gondor. It had helped, knowing they were near, and alive.

As the moon rose higher, sending a glow through his window, Merry finally rose and crept to the door of his room, feeling silly for sneaking down the hallway as he had once done as a lad. The closer he got to the door, though, the stronger the feelings of needing to be elsewhere became. He reached for his jacket where it hung on its peg and put it on absently, Pausing to listen for any sign of his family waking, he eased the round front door open and slipped outside, closing it softly behind himself.

Merry walked at a fast pace, muscles used to travelling long distances. The moonlight made his shadow long in front of him, and he chuckled at the irony. His height had been the subject of many comments from his parents and other relatives, and when he'd found himself looking down at his father, the younger hobbit felt suddenly out of place. Not that the armor and the sword had helped, either. And most painful of all, his family had no understanding of what had happened outside the Shire. He hadn't expected them to have any, not really, but the doubt and confusion in his father's eyes when he'd tried to explain...He'd ended up leaving out rather large portions of the story that first night, knowing instinctively which events would be too strange to be believed by Shirefolk. Somehow that selective truth felt like he was betraying Frodo and the others, and what they had accomplished.

And somehow his family seemed to expect him to be the same. Unchanged. There was no going back, he knew, but his parents seemed bewildered at how different he seemed. Merry's mother's eyes looked sad when she watched him and his father wasn't quite sure how to deal with his son's air of calm and firm authority. He'd seen the Took clan do much the same; they'd been overjoyed to have Pippin back but unsure what to make of this tall, more mature young hobbit that had returned to them. It wasn't that Pippin wasn't still curious and as apt to get into trouble as before, it was just that there was a shadow and seriousness in his eyes sometimes, and a certain strength and thoughtfulness to his manner now. It was enough to make Merry rejoice and grieve at the same time.

Before he realized it, he'd come to a certain place in the road and had already turned away from the dirt path into the oakwood. Years before, when people had first begun referring to the pair as "Merry-and-Pippin" as though they were one hobbit, they'd discovered this place. A circle of willow trees sheltered a tiny stream that led to the river, and moss-cushioned roots made perfect spots to lie back and have a serious talk. Or have a tickle fight. Or more often than not, eat treats pilfered from one kitchen or another.

Now, though, the moon and trees cast velvet shadows over the moss, and the only sound Merry could hear was the rustling of water in the stream. Tired and sweaty, he knelt down and scooped up some cool water, washing his face.

"Merry?"

Whirling around in the direction of the voice, heart pounding, Merry could just make out a huddled shape at the base of the biggest tree.

He moved swiftly to kneel at Pippin's side. "Pip, are you all right? What are you doing here? Is something wrong at the Smials?"

Pippin took a shaky sort of breath as Merry ran out of questions. "Er, in the order of your questions, I'm not sure, I couldn't sleep, and no, everyone's fine at home."

"You're not sure you're all right?" Merry asked, sitting down in front of him so he could see Pippin's face, pale in the moonlight. "What happened?"

The younger hobbit fidgeted with his jacket, ducking his head to hide his face behind disheveled curls. "Nightmares. Daymares, too you could call 'em...but nightmares this time. I thought they'd go away once we were home, Merry. They didn't. I thought it would help and I could remember all the good times we had here."

"But it didn't." Merry concluded quietly.

"No," Pippin managed to get out roughly. With a little shiver, he leaned forward to bury his face in his cousin's shirt, and Merry held him close.

"You're cold." Merry's hand stroked through Pippin's tangled hair, and he felt a few warm tears seeping through his shirt.

"Working on fixing things all day, helping rebuild and dealing with things, I forget sometimes, just for a moment or two. But the Smials felt wrong," Pippin continued in a shirt-muffled voice. "Closed in, like I didn't know how to sleep in a hobbit hole anymore, and I the...sounds were just wrong, and I needed to be...elsewhere. I woke up and was alone and I suppose I didn't scream this time, since no one came like you or Frodo or Legolas always did in before we were home, and I knew you'd find me, I just knew it."

"Always, Pip, always and anywhere." Merry whispered through his

own tears, and rocked them slowly.

"Merry?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm a knight of Gondor. I suppose I thought that would somehow give me more...strength. Even if I'm not of age here, not quite." Pippin nestled a bit closer. "I roused the Took clan to battle and led them to your aid, and here I am getting your shirt all damp..."

"Oi, you're strong." Merry said indignantly, and pulled away a bit to look at Pippin's face. "And I think we're far past the point of apologizing for silly things such as wet shirts. You survived the journey and the battles, and it's just... you grew up, Pippin, you see. But differently." Merry tried to explain. He gripped his cousin's sword-callused hand in his own, running his thumb over the marks and scars. "You've come of age apart from the rest of 'em, in war and adventure, and fear and joy, loss and finding, and with things they'll never know. Not ever."

Pippin reached up with his free hand and delicately traced the scar over Merry's eye. "No, they won't. Sam and Frodo do, but we're not like other hobbits now, are we?"

"Well, taller, yes, but we're still part of the Shire, Pip. It's what we fought for, right? For the rest of it, we'll have each other, for when it gets a bit much, eh?" Merry wasn't exactly sure whom he was trying to convince.

Apparently, Pippin caught the note of uncertainty in his older cousin's voice. "You came here tonight for the same reasons, didn't you?" Merry nodded, and let Pippin return the favor and hold him as he'd been held moments before.

"Merry, do you remember what you told me when Treebeard and the other ents refused to help?"

"About what?" Merry answered, and tried to recall what his cousin was talking about.

"When you said that all that was green and good in this world would be gone and that there wouldn't be a Shire anymore if we didn't do something." Pippin reminded him. "And we did do something, didn't we?"

"Aye," Merry shivered a bit, thinking about how close it had been. If Pippin hadn't thought of taking the road past Isengard...if Sauron's Eye hadn't been turned toward them at Cormallen...if Gimli hadn't found Pippin and gotten him out from under the troll...

"And so I thought it would be the same, somehow, when we returned." Pippin murmured, unknowingly interrupting Merry's dark thoughts. "And I suppose it is, or will be anyway, but we're not."

"Oh, Pip, no one is, not really. But I'm proud of you, growing up as you did. Just remember that." Merry settled back against the moss, pulling Pippin with him to rest against his chest.

"I listened to this before." Pippin said sleepily.

"To what?"

"To your heart, in the House of Healing. Before Strider came. I thought it was going to stop beating when it got so slow...so it's good to hear your heart now. Strong." That last word was lost in Merry's shirt as Pippin yawned, exhausted.

Merry held his breath for a moment, and then released it in a soft sigh. "Yes, you are strong again, Pip." He kissed the curls so close to his face and smiled as he recognized from the even breaths that Pippin had fallen asleep.

And they sat there a long time, through the night. As the sun began to rise, Pippin's slept peacefully, but Merry still kept watch. The dawn brought him a small, but hopeful idea.

...

The hearthfire made Bag End warm and cozy, as Merry and Frodo surveyed the room with satisfaction. They'd been working hard for hours, repositioning the furniture and tidying up the rooms, cleaning what was left of the mess left by the ruffians. After a while, they'd decided to stop, eat, and take a rest. Pippin had curled up to nap as he had when he was little, on the rug right in front of the fireplace. "Not bad, Merry," Frodo said, drawing on his pipe and sending a small smoke ring dancing through the air. "It will never quite look the same, but we've made it a home again. Bilbo would be pleased, I think."

"Sam's a bit upset about what they did to the gardens, though."

Frodo chuckled. "That'll soon be put right, I should think, seeing as he has final word on the matter of the repairs and planting." He stretched his legs out in front of him and sighed. "And there are a lot of those to be done. I'm glad that Saradoc let you come here today to help me...I know your end of the family has enough repairs of its own to be making."

"I was glad enough to come...that is, I was happy to help you in any way I could, Frodo."

Frodo's eyes gave him a sharp glance at his slip of the tongue, and he

quickly changed the subject.

"And Pip and I wanted to see you. We're not used to being apart anymore, at least not for very long, you know. Our families are rather, well, enthusiastic."

Frodo's grin answered his own. "A bit overwhelming, aren't they?"

"More so than the crowds at Minas Tirith, actually." Merry answered, laughing a little. "Hobbits may be smaller, but even Gondorian enthusiasm pales in comparison."

They sat in companionable silence for a while before Merry got up the courage to ask what he'd been wanting to all day. "Frodo, I need to ask a favor of you, for myself and Pippin." Merry ventured.

His older cousin looked over at him. "Anything you need. Anything within reason that is...I've long known to be careful what I say around you two." A smile took the sting out of the teasing and Merry managed to smile back a little.

"I need, that is, we need...you know how much we grew with Treebeard's ent draughts, and with...memories and all, and I know Sam stays here when he can, and I...we...we don't fit so much anymore, Frodo. They'll never see what we saw and lose what we lost, and I can't stand the looks on people's faces, and knowing what they'll never know and understand, and I need Pippin near and he needs to know the same of me. I know that sounds silly, but..." Merry forced himself to pause as he heard himself babbling. "I was wondering if Pip and I could...would you be willing to let us stay at Crickhollow for a while?"

Frodo reached out one slender hand and rested it on Merry's shoulder. "Of course you may, my dear. Aragorn may have brought us back and healed us, but I know all too well that all the hurts were not banished in one try." Merry leaned into his cousin's newly-healed hand, which slid up to frame his face at one side. "Is it bad, then, Merry?" he asked quietly.

A single tear wound it way down Merry's face and he felt Frodo brush it away gently. "The nights are, anyhow." He scrubbed at his face with his stronger hand. No need to tell Frodo that his own hand was still numb from time to time. "We just need a place to feel right and safe, I suppose. And time to truly come back."

"And so you deserve, cousin. You two may stay there as long as you need."

"Thank you." Merry whispered. He leaned against Frodo's shoulder for a moment. "I've been so busy trying to make everything right. To be sure Buckland is in one piece and..." He cleared his throat, checked quickly to see that Pippin was still sleeping, and straightened up in his chair. "I uh, don't suppose that there's anything left for a late tea?"

Frodo's clear laugh rang out, bringing a tear of a different sort into Merry's eye. "If Pip didn't eat it when I wasn't looking."

"Right." Merry answered, with the first real smile he'd had on his face all day, getting up to go rummage in the cupboards. "At least some things haven't changed much."

Rising from his comfortable chair, Frodo bent down and shook Pippin's shoulder. "Come on, Pip. Teatime...and we've had an idea."

S.R. 1423

As Merry's voice trailed off, Legolas laid one hand gently on the hobbit's shoulder. "I suppose that Crickhollow is a refuge to you and Pippin, Merry. A refuge. I'm glad you have this, and each other."

"Do you have one, then, Legolas?" Merry asked softly. "I know that none of us came out of it unscathed."

The elf rested his head against the sun-warmed window glass. "I suppose I do. My home has changed beyond me, and so many have left already. Minas Tirith, perhaps, but wherever Aragorn and Gimli are will be my refuge for now."

With a sigh, Merry reached up and clasped his friend's larger hand. "I'm glad," he murmured. "I just hope he'll talk to me today, heal whatever wounds need healing so that he can truly celebrate tonight." With a final pat to his Legolas' hand, he hopped down to the floor. "I'll go find him then."

"I shall go and help with the tents...my height gives me great advantage, after all," Legolas said and ducked the swat Merry aimed at him as the hobbit went out the front door.

...

Merry knew Pippin would be at "their" clearing, so he headed for it.

Sure enough, his younger cousin was sitting by the stream, dangling his hand in the flowing water. Sunlight shone in beams through the trees, dancing along the green moss and across Pippin's face.

"Something interesting in there?" Merry asked, knowing Pippin had heard his approach. "Some fish for dinner or is it just your usual fascination with waterbugs?"

Pippin looked up briefly and went back to moving his hand through the water, staring at the patterns of light and shadow created by the movement. "I'm fine, Merry. Just want to be left alone for a while."

"Right. Well, that isn't going to happen just now."

Glaring now at Merry, Pippin dried his hand on his the leg of his breeches and crossed his arms across his chest. "Why not? If I am going to be of age today, I might as well have some say in how I spend my day, aye?"

"Pip," Merry said calmly, mirroring his cousin and crossing his arms. He could match stubborn for stubborn, he thought. "I'm not leaving you here until you talk to me. You may be 33 today, but you're acting as though you're Elanor's age today."

The younger hobbit's mouth opened as though he was going to continue to argue and then closed as he clearly realized that this would only prove Merry's point. "Merry..."

"Talk to me, Pip. Please?" Merry made his voice as loving and gentle as he could.

Pippin's eyes met his for a moment and then he spoke softly in return. Merry held himself quite still to listen. "Somehow, I always thought, when I imagined tonight, that Frodo and Gandalf and Bilbo would be there, you see? And they left and they're not coming back, not ever. And I imagined that Gandalf would have his fireworks, like Bilbo used to have at his parties. That we'd sit and watch them burst in the night sky like we did when..."

"When we were small?" Merry ventured.

"Aye, and I keep thinking that Gandalf is gone and his fireworks with him, and it'll never be the same again. I'm going to be grown in everyone's eyes here, finally, Merry, and all I can think of is that he protected me for so long and he won't ever do that again, either..." Pippin's voice trailed off and he sat staring at his feet.

Merry sat down beside his cousin and scooted as close as he could get, so that they were pressed together all along one side. "You haven't needed protecting in a while, you know. He knew that when he left us in the Shire the first time, when we'd just come home from Minas Tirith. And he knew it when he left at the Havens."

Pippin leaned his head so that it rested on Merry's shoulder. "I just miss him, Merry, as much as I miss Frodo."

"You miss him calling you 'a fool of a Took' and giving you that Look he had for whenever you'd done something rash?" Merry teased, glad that Pippin had finally spoken of what had been hurting him all through the past few days.

"Aye, even that," Pippin admitted with the ghost of a smile on his lips.

"He made me feel safe, though, lots of times. Even in the middle of battle."

"All the battles are done now, Pippin. We can keep each other safe here, in the Shire. You, me, and Sam. Frodo and Sam kept the Shire safe, and we've helped everyone in it get their right and proper homes back, and now we can rest. I'm quite proud of you, you know."

They sat that way for a bit, Pippin's fingers tangled in his, until Merry sighed and ruffled his cousin's hair. "Come on then, we should be getting back. The party begins in a few hours and we'll need to take the cart to the Smials. You need to get ready and I have to go consult Legolas on several matters of great importance."

"Merry," Pippin inquired with a too-serious face, an effect that was ruined by twinkling green eyes. "Will you still protect me when I need you to? My sister has a wicked temper, you know...Oi! Stop that!" He bounced to his feet, moving back as Merry's tickling hands got hear his ribs, and ran as Merry chased him all the way back to Crickhollow.

...

"Good speech, Pip! Glad it's done. Can we toast now?" Merry called out later that night, to the laughter of all assembled.

"Certainly, cousin."

"Then to the Prince of Hobbits, my cousin and best friend, Peregrin Took. A happy Coming of Age!" Merry raised his tankard in the direction of a blushing Pippin.

The crowd repeated the toast with gusto, drinking happily, and then clapping as Pippin stepped off the stage. He came back to table, where Legolas and Gimli had also joined their families.

"Another gift arrived today, son." Paladin handed his son a brightly wrapped box.

Pippin opened the note and crowed with delight. "It's from

Strider!" Sam shook his head fondly as Pippin practically ripped open the box to pull out the gift. "Oh, my..." he murmured, taking the delicately crafted sword out of its sheath. Merry leaned over his shoulder to admire the elaborately engraved steel and light from the nearby torches and lanterns danced across the blade.

"Merry, did you have anything to do with the fact that the King, or at least his swordsmith, seems to have some knowledge of the Took Family crest?" Pippin inquired, tipping his head back to meet his cousin's eyes.

"Oh, possibly," Merry answered with a little caress of the gold-stamped leather of the sheath and belt. "Mysterious letters and all that...this is really magnificent, Pip. Suitable for a knight indeed."

Other packages from Faramir and Eowyn, and from Beregond and his family, had arrived with Legolas and Gimli, and some hobbits had shaken their heads in disapproval. Pippin and Merry had ignored them, and had gleefully read the accompanying letters for news of their friends.

An elven-crafted bow with a quiver of fine arrows lay against the tent wall, and Legolas had smiled as Pippin exclaimed over their beauty and strength. And a beautiful, metal sculpture of a dragon was on his desk at home, curled around a clear, polished crystal, made by Gimli's careful hand. The beautifully tooled saddle and bridle, decorated with symbols of Gondor, sat in the stable ready for his pony, sent with love by Faramir and Eowyn.

Now, Merry watched Pippin, glad to see a smile on his face again. After a moment, he glanced at Legolas, meeting his eyes and giving a tiny nod of his head in signal.

As the elf stood up, the room grew quiet, waiting to see what he would do or say. "There is but one gift left from faraway friends, Pippin. But we must adjourn outside to the meadow to view it."

Curiosity warring with nervous excitement on his face, Pippin followed him outside into the night, Merry resting an arm around his shoulder. Everyone stood expectantly, and Gimli carried out a large and heavy box.

"Close your eyes, lad." The dwarf said gruffly.

Laughing, Merry clapped his hands over his cousin's eyes. "You're not to be trusted so I'll be sure you don't peek."

There was silence (and for Pippin, some mysterious sounds) for a long moment, and then Legolas' clear voice cut through the murmuring noise of the crowd of partygoers.

"Open your eyes, Pippin."

As Merry removed his hands and Pippin's eyes opened eagerly, there was a whooshing sound and the sky lit up with glowing blue and green sparks. Hobbits gasped and applauded, children jumping up and down in glee. Some of the brightest sparks moved to form an eagle that flew into the darkness and vanished. Frodo-lad cried out with joy, pointing at the spectacle from his place on Sam's shoulders and Elanor's wide eyes got even bigger as she held her mother's hand.

"Oh, Merry," Pippin whispered, one hand to his mouth in shock. "Legolas, how...I'd know those fireworks anywhere...how?"

The elf came to his side and knelt beside him. "Before he left for Valinor, Mithrandir gave it into my keeping and told me for who and when it was intended. It was an honor for me to keep it safe for today."

Pippin threw his arms around Legolas, hugging him as tightly as he could. "Hannon le," he murmured, one of the few Elvish phrases Frodo had taught him the first time they were at Rivendell.

Then he turned to Merry, one arm still around Legolas. "And you knew," he said in an unsteady voice. "You knew and that's what you were planning all that time."

Sliding his arms around Pippin's neck for a hug, Merry held on tightly. "Aye, we knew. He knew." With a grin, Merry turned his head to look at Gimli. "Come on, then, you too."

With a snort that didn't disguise the smile behind his beard, Gimli joined the hug for a moment. Then he clapped Pippin on the back hard enough to bump him right into Legolas. "Well, I hear music starting, lads. It's your party, Pippin. You promised to show me what proper hobbit dancing was."

Pippin sniffled a little and raised his head. "Of course, Gimli!" He shook himself a little and ran back toward the festival tent, grabbing a rather startled looking Diamond of Long Cleve by the hand on his way.

Merry smiled as he noticed that the hobbit-lass didn't looked particularly upset by Pippin's usual enthusiasm. And that a beaming Gimli had been asked to dance by Rosie, while Sam stood at the side, laughing.

"Shall you not dance as well, my friend?" Legolas asked.

"There are a few likely looking lasses who seem to be waiting for me over there. Estella Bolger asked me to save her a dance." Merry answered, smiling up at the tall elf. "Now that all is well, yes I shall, I think. It's time to celebrate, after all."