October 9^th

They’ve tried to explain…but it makes no sense.  The time in valinor moves faster than in arda?  Why would it do that when the time in elvish lands seems to stand still compared to the shire?  I don’t know if I believe them, but Id rather believe that than the alternative, which is that ive gone completely mad. 

Ive spent the last two days recovering, mostly in bed or sitting by the window.  Bilbo’s got a little garden going. I watch him putter around in it.  I don’t want to go and help, even though I think he would like it.  He says I should get out in the sun…he’s still getting younger.  Almost all his hair is brown again and he never gets tired anymore.  Pipeweed’s run out; Gandalf’s scouring the island for plants.  He seems to think he can find some.  I don’t especially care. Haven’t felt like smoking much anyway. 

Took off arwen’s pendant today.  Been disturbing myself…grabbing at it during the day and waking up with my hand clenched around it.  I don’t want some kind of ring-replacement.  Ill give it to Elrond.  He would want it, I think, and if he doesn’t then its going into the sea. 

I miss the sea.  I’ll go today and stop bilbo’s worrying.  He’s making me breakfast like he used to when I was little and had just came to bag end.  Sam made it for me when he left for rivendell.  Sam used to make cinnamon toast for me…don’t know why, I never asked, but It was always so good.  maybe Bilbo will make it.

October 11^th

Fully recovered now.  Ive started trying to learn the old elvish.  All the pronunciations are different.  Bilbo’s good at it, of course.  He’s been doing sensible things like talking to elves and learning it while I was moping around and being paranoid.  He loves it here.  I miss

October 11^{th (night)}

The stump of my finger started throbbing.  It hurt really bad.  Had to stop writing.  I think, I think it’s starting to grow back.  And why not?  Bilbo’s getting younger, the gray in my own hair is gone, why wouldn’t the finger grow back? Ha. I just reread this.   I bet it sounds like im not disturbed at all. Im walking around, bumping into things, looking at my hand all day.

 The scars from shelob and the ringwraith wont fade I think…they were made from evil things…my hand was just gollum’s teeth.  Gollum wasn’t truly evil, it was just the ring.  I don’t blame him.  I could/would have done much the same thing at the end.  That’s what’s scary…the knowledge that I could have done it even to sam.  I never asked him what he would have done.  I cant imagine sam raising his sword against me, but maybe he would have. 

Ahh, its no use thinking about it now.   

I wonder so much about them. I’ll miss everything.  Merry and pippin’s weddings, their children, the rest of sam’s children, becoming the master, mayor, and thain.  Will elanor remember me singing to her?  I hope strider, legolas and gimli come and visit.  they said they would.  That makes me happy just thinking of them all together, not fighting, or worrying…free.