Title: If Only

Author: Tuxedo Elf

Rating: G

Summary: Thranduil thinks about, and to, his father a little while after Oropher's death.

Notes: This could be connected to ‘Under the Green Trees’ but it’s not officially.

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If only things had gone differently. If only we had decided on a different plan, or had changed our position on the lines. Or if I had seen the ambush before you did, or if those who called themselves our allies had come to our aid. So many things might have been better then. You might still be here, under the green trees you loved, instead of far away, in a place where I cannot reach you.

Instead I am alone and the trees give little comfort. Maybe in time they will, but for now they hold too many memories and the songs they sing are full of sadness. Yet I would expect nothing else, so many fell and our home feels as empty as our hearts.

When I led the remains of our troops back home I thought my heart would break. It was a pitiful sight, the remnants of a once formidable force, now no more than a ragged band of weary soldiers. There were so many waiting for us when we crossed the borders, but only a handful had cause to smile that day. For most of us, there were only tears.

Mother was at the front of those gathered and I saw her close her eyes in despair when I appeared alone. In truth though, I think she knew. The two of you were so close; I cannot see how she had not felt it already. Though maybe, in her desperation, she had chosen to ignore it, to keep hoping until the truth stared her in the face, as it had then.

I went to her, maybe faster than was proper for a Prince and warrior, but I cared not. I had already lost my Father; I wanted my Mother and was not ashamed to admit it. The embrace was a comfort to both of us; we had been strong for so long, it was a relief to find strength in another.

Yet I knew she would not long be with me. She would not fade, for she had always cherished life too much to simply let it go, but she would sail West, to seek relief from her pain and loneliness on the shores of Valinor, until you finally return to her. It would be sad to see her go, but I cannot blame her. In her place, I suspect I would do the same.

My expectations came to pass swiftly - she waited only for my coronation before she sailed. It saddens me that I could not accompany her to the Havens, but I am a King now and must be here for my people, though it pains me. Maybe one day I will understand how you managed to be both a Father and a King, for it is something that still eludes me.

Once she was gone I felt utterly lost, as if I had lost a limb. There was no longer anyone to catch me, should I fall. I have councilors to aid me, aye, but it is not the same. I can take or reject their advice, but the final decisions rest now with me and me alone.

I could never have imagined how hard it is to be King. I thought that as a Prince I knew much, but I was wrong. Before I had you and Mother to lean on, now all lean on me and sometimes, the weight is almost more than I can bear.

Oh Father, what am I to do? I see the way they look at me, my people. They look to me to restore our home to its former glory, to guide them through the pain of loss that we are suffering. Do I have it in me to do that, to set my own pain aside for the good of my people? You would tell me that I do, but I am not sure. I will try though, for your sake. More than anything, I want to make you proud of me.

I wonder; will I ever stop missing you? When centuries have passed and maybe I have wed and had children, will I miss you still? Or will I simply remember you and the times we shared? I hope it is the latter. I want to smile when I think of you and to laugh when I tell my children of the times we had together.

At this moment though, I wish you were here. I need your guidance now as I have never needed it before. Every day as I walk through the woods I wonder how to put the joy back into the lives of my people. You would know. You could tell me what path to take, how to make then look at me as they looked at you.

If only I could speak with you, just one more time. I have long since passed my majority, yet more than anything I want to hear you say that all will be well, that I need not worry.

Sometimes, I think I feel you in the breeze as it blows through the trees and I wonder if it is just my imagination. I want to believe it is not, that you are here, guiding and loving me. I want to think that you haven't completely left your people; that somehow you are still with us.

But maybe... maybe it doesn't matter. Perhaps all I really need to do is keep you in my heart, for you to be here. Maybe by doing that you will see all the things I wish for you too see. If that is so, then the answers to all my questions are not as far away as I have thought - they are already inside me.

There is a warmth in my heart then and I know I am right. Love and life are forever connected; even when a person is gone they live on in the hearts of those that love them.

If only I had figured that out long ago.

THE END