Troll Courtship
Middle-earth belongs to Tolkien, I merely borrowed his smelly troll.
A troll went a-courting, he did walk, uh-huh
A troll went a-courting, he did walk
He was reeking like a badger and could barely talk
A troll went a-courting, he did walk, uh-huh
He came to the cave of his fair belle, uh-huh
He came to the cave of his fair belle
Feeling reasonably sure she wouldn't mind his smell
He came to the cave of his fair belle, uh-huh
He put a rotten bone upon her knee, uh-huh
He put a rotten bone upon her knee
And said, “Fair Gladys, will you marry me?”
He put a rotten bone upon her knee, uh-huh
Fair Gladys stuck the bone right down his throat, uh-huh
Fair Gladys stuck the bone right down his throat
And said, “Gawds, Bill, I would prefer a goat.”
Fair Gladys stuck the bone right down his throat, uh-huh
“Oh, Gladys,” he began but then was lost for words, uh-huh
“Oh, Gladys,” he began but then was lost for words
For it's hard to talk when your throat still hurts
“Oh, Gladys,” he began but then was lost for words, uh-huh
“Begone, stinky Bill,” she said and grinned, uh-huh
“Begone, stinky Bill,” she said and grinned
“Or I'll call a wizard who'll turn you to flint.”
“Begone, stinky Bill,” she said and grinned, uh-huh
He hit her with his club as is the custom still, uh-huh
He hit her with his club as is the custom still
To prove that as a lover he was strong of will
He hit her with his club as is the custom still, uh-huh
“Well, I might change my mind,” Gladys said and sighed, uh-huh
“Well, I might change my mind,” Gladys said and sighed
If you bring me a brace of roasted dwarf tonight
“I might change my mind,” Gladys said and sighed, uh-huh
So Bill got his two best mates roped in, uh-huh
So Bill got his two best mates roped in
They smelled marginally better but were just as dim
So Bill got his two best mates roped in, uh-huh
They had a stroke of luck and found some dwarves quite soon, uh-huh
They had a stroke of luck and found some dwarves quite soon
They looked yummy and would certainly make Gladys swoon
They had a stroke of luck and found some dwarves quite soon, uh-huh
But it's ludicrously easy to outwit a troll, uh-huh
But it's ludicrously easy to outwit a troll
And a sneaky little voice held all three in thrall
But it's ludicrously easy to outwit a troll, uh-huh
They didn't realise the dwarves were not alone, uh-huh
They didn't realise the dwarves were not alone
And eventually the morning light turned them to stone
They didn't realise the dwarves were not alone, uh-huh
So all of Billy's courting was in vain, uh-huh
So all of Billy's courting was in vain
And Gladys is still waiting for her swain
So all of Billy's courting was in vain, uh-huh
The moral of the story is a simple one, uh-huh
The moral of the story is a simple one
If you want to say yes, say it and be done
The moral of the story is a simple one, uh-huh