CHAPTER THREE
A few hours later, after Pippin had convinced Merry to take Frodo for a walk to the Courtyard of the White Tree, he finally located Sam, who had elected to stay behind in the house. The young gardener was on the balcony outside of Frodo’s room, tasked with watering some plants that lined the railing with spring color. But when Pippin entered the room, he saw Sam looking out on the Fields of Pellenor again, watering can at his feet.
"Hello, Sam. We missed you at breakfast this morning."
"I was tired and needed a bit of a lie-in instead. Made up for it at second breakfast, though," he added with a brief smile.
"Good. Both you and Frodo need a few pounds. I noticed you were a bit…preoccupied last night. What were you thinking?" Seeing the startled look that Sam cast his way at this insight, Pippin laughed. "I’m not quite as unaware as I used to be, Sam. Don’t forget that I’m a Guard of the Citadel, and we also serve who stand and wait, and watch."
The laughter left his eyes as he spoke, and he fell silent for a few moments. "I watched, and saw a father destroy the last hope his son had for his father’s love and respect. I watched as that father grieved for what he thought was the end of his line, and fell into despair at his loss. Then, later, I had to watch as Sauron’s lieutenant caused all of us to fall into that same despair, when we thought that the Dark Lord had the two of you in Barad-dur, suffering agonies untold.
"So, yes, I’ve gotten quite good at watching and paying attention to others, finally. What were you thinking last night?"
Sam had to blink the tears from his eyes before he could respond. Finally, he said, "I was just thinking about the journey, especially that horrible stretch up the Winding Stairs to that wretched creature’s cave." He trailed off as he glanced again to the East, to the mountains behind Osgiliath.
Pippin looked at the circles under Sam’s eyes. "Sam, did you sleep at all last night?"
With a short, almost bitter laugh, Sam said, "Back when Mr. Frodo and I were still in the Shire, before we met the both of you, he told me to just close my eyes and imagine I was back at home, with a soft pillow. It didn’t work then, and it didn’t work anywhere else. When you’re tired enough, you’ll sleep, all right, even if it’s on the edge of a thousand-foot drop if you turn over in your dreams. Of course, you don’t dream, leastaways not that you remember, because you are so worn out. Which is the only reason you fall asleep to begin with, when you know you have to stay awake, otherwise you might wake up with a knife in your back or your finger gnawed off, or…"
"Or what, Sam? What was it that happened on the Stairs? What caused you and Frodo to be separated when he got to the spider’s lair?" The flair of anguish that came to Sam’s eyes startled Pippin, but also stiffened his resolve to get to the heart of the matter. "Come, it’s best that you say it, and who better than me to say it to? We also serve who stand and watch, remember?"
"It’s just—I saw what that Thing was doing to him. He was so tired, not just by the climb but by everything. But most of all by the Ring. The burden was so great. It got so much worse after Osgiliath, as if It was breaking him, bit by bit. Gollum, the old villain, saw what It was doing to Mr. Frodo as much as I did, and he used it. Used it to get at him, to drive a wedge between us."
"Between you and Frodo?! I would never have thought that possible!"
Sam smiled humorlessly. "Oh, it was possible. With Mr. Frodo under the load of all the world’s hopes on his shoulders, anything could happen, even the worst thing in the world. I failed him, Mr. Pippin. ‘Don’t you leave him, Samwise Gamgee,’ but I did. He told me to. It took a tumble down some stairs and finding out we’d been tricked by that Gollum before I came to my senses and turned around to follow him. I hurried back up those Stairs as if chased by a Balrog, because I just knew that something was very wrong. Gollum had to have some evil planned that involved my being far away from Mr. Frodo, and I let him get away with it."
Sam continued on with his story, telling Pippin about the horrible smell emanating from Shelob’s cave, the bits of her prey scattered about the floor and attached to the walls and ceiling by the largest webs imaginable. He was able to follow Frodo’s path by the tears made in the webs to allow passage, and then he came to the point where Frodo first encountered the giant spider. He told of finding Galadriel’s gift to Frodo on the ground further down the tunnel, and then finally seeing the way out of the tunnel blocked by torn webs, Sting dangling amidst the clinging tendrils.
"I was moving pretty fast, even through that sticky stuff, and grabbed Sting in one hand and the star glass in the other so I could see better, then moved down the path out to the end of the pass. I was almost to the last corner, when I heard this strange sound." Sam’s voice quivered, and then his jaw tightened and he continued. "A few seconds later, I finally came around the bend, and saw that…filth…wrapping up Mr. Frodo like a birthday present. She dropped him and came after me. After a bit, she went back to one of her hideyholes and didn’t come out again."
Pippin’s eyebrows had risen nearly to his hairline by this point. He and the others knew some of the general facts about the Ringbearer’s travails in the pass to Cirith Ungol, mostly from what Gandalf had managed to glean from the hobbits’ thoughts as they lay in slumber in the Houses of Healing, but the details were unknown before this. Frodo had told them a little about his encounter with Shelob, but reserved most of his praise for what Sam had done, so Pippin knew just how much Sam was leaving out of that last sentence.
"Mr. Frodo," Sam’s voice cracked at this, "Mr. Frodo was lying there, all covered in that spiderweb, but I just knew that he was only knocked out. Asleep, right? He would wake up, and everything would be all right again. That monster was gone, the old villain Gollum had disappeared, and all we had to do was get to the end of the path and we were in Mordor. But when I got that stuff off his face, he just stared, and his eyes were empty. I’d seen his eyes change more and more the closer we got to that place, but this…this was nothingness. There was nothing I could do—I finally realized he was dead, and I was just too late to help him. I had promised Gandalf that I would never leave nor lose him, and I’d managed to do both in one afternoon. Some faithful servant I am."
Tears were streaming down Sam’s cheeks, and he choked out, "I wanted to do nothing more than stay with him, take him out of that dreadful place…I just wanted to go home, lay Mr. Frodo to rest next to his parents, and never go anywhere else ever again. No more horrible monsters, no more treacherous Gollum, no more Orcs. But Sting was glowing blue again, so I knew that there were Orcs around, and so was that spider and Gollum had to be hiding somewhere. And that thing was still hanging on Mr. Frodo’s neck, and as long as it was around, there was nowhere to go home to. So I took It, and left him behind, even though it was the last thing I ever wanted to do."
Leaning with his hands clenched on the railing’s edge, his head bent forward, Sam looked to Pippin as if he were about to be crushed by the weight of his memories. The stalwart gardener, a rock for Frodo to lean on for as long as Pippin could remember, could no longer support even himself. Pippin clasped his shoulder to offer his own strength.
"Sam, your faithfulness is why we’re still here. Frodo told us exactly why that spider retreated after meeting you. Your taking the Ring from him after you thought he was dead—why, that’s one of the main reasons the Darkness is gone! As for letting Gollum drive you away, if that was a mistake on your part, which I’m not too sure it was, you more than made up for it by saving Frodo in that tower and then carrying him up Mt. Doom! We all make mistakes, Sam. Even Gandalf admits that his biggest blunder was not recognizing the Ring for what It was long before Frodo got It."
Seeing Sam shake his head in denial of his words, Pippin pressed on. "Nobody’s perfect. Believe me, I know! With all the gaffes of monumental proportions that I’ve managed in the past year, I’m just about the most imperfect creature around! But I’m learning to forgive myself for most of them, even though I’ll never forget. I’ve just had to move on. Do what I could to atone for my errors, and accept what resulted from them."
Pippin thought over what he just said, and he laughed. "Listen to me blather on! I sound like Uncle Saradoc! I’ll have to be careful—I think that maturity might be breeding pomposity. I shiver to think how I’ll be in twenty years!" Looking closely at Sam, he noticed that his friend’s eyes had cleared. He hoped it was from both his words of advice as well as his levity. Only time would tell if Sam had actually listened to what he said.
"Come on, it’s past time for lunch. If Frodo and Merry aren’t overly tired, I’ll take you all for a walk to the Red Dog Tavern—the food’s not too bad there, and the ale is even better!"