Chapter 20 - What We Are Holding Onto 

Faramir was standing on the precipice again. It was windy and he put his arms out to keep his balance because he did not want to fall off the jagged cliff.

He could see the wave from a distance, again with the white tall ships that bore tall elves and also two small hobbits. The wave lapped along the ship but fortunately did not capsize it. The boat went further and further away from him and he could not see clearly the faces of the hobbits and elves.

The dark wave constantly knocked against the white sanded beach, and he could see remnants of an old city. The distance obscured his sight and rain started to fall. Then he smelled salt water and the clouds started to become gray…large dark raindrops continued to pour…he was getting wetter and wetter…

“Wake up Faramir!”

Faramir woke with a start and was breathing hard. He saw Eowyn and Imrahil by his side. He was sweating and his pulse was accelerated. It was still dark, and athelas had permeated the room. He had almost forgotten he was in Edoras. He sat up and pulled his knees up to himself and tried to orient himself.

“I am fine—”

“Nephew, what happened? You need to let us know now.” Imrahil had not been so firm for a long while. He touched Faramir’s shoulder to comfort him.

“You said you would be truthful and share,” Eowyn insisted, putting a mug to Faramir’s lips as he drank some water to be more present in the situation. Eowyn held onto Faramir tightly and kissed him gently on his cheek.

After calming down a bit, Faramir shared the details of the dream. “I do believe perhaps one of the hobbits is Frodo— he told me he also dreams of the sea.”

“Do you think he’ll depart from Middle-earth?” Eowyn asked.

“He did mention that when we spoke in Minas Tirith, and I am saddened if that would be the truth.”

“Was the dream dark at all? Should we be fearful of the Black Breath? Are you worried about this?” Imrahil asked.

“No, this was not dark, I assure you. It’s like my dreams that spoke about the Halfing’s Bane.  It’s just… there are some elements of a prior dream though.” Faramir shuddered. 

“Sleep again and not worry, my dear. I will stay with you,” Eowyn pulled the blanket over Faramir again. “Rest and do not fear.”

“That would be lovely,” replied Faramir with a smile. The smell of Eowyn close to him comforted him like nothing else, and he was tired and therefore drifted off to sleep quickly.

But in the morning, she had gone but Faramir was left with a sense of peace since her smell lingered and he felt comforted by that.  He had no more dreams he could remember that night, and he felt calm enough to go about the day like normal.

The hot August sun beamed down upon Faramir and he used this time to get to know Eowyn more. It was good for Faramir’s spirits, and he was glad to be in Edoras to heal and not think about Gondor, duty, war or death. Eowyn introduced him more to Rohirric culture and customs and they went for rides daily across the plains to talk more and to prepare for a life together. The dream did not come again, and fortunately there were no other dark dreams that affected Faramir.

“Are you sleeping well, lately, my dearest?” Eowyn asked Faramir.

“Yes, I am better- the air and the warmth of the Rohirrim sky is good for me. Maybe I should move here instead,” joked Faramir.

“That would make things easier but how would Gondor think of the Steward who left his country for a wild woman of the North?” replied Eowyn with a laugh.

“I would say it is the best thing to happen in my life to have met my future wife and I would have no regrets,” replied Faramir, giving Eowyn a kiss on the cheek.

“How are you feeling lately?” Faramir glanced at Eowyn and she seemed a bit pale as if there were ghosts of the past that still haunted her.

“I had a dream last night and it kept me awake,” admitted Eowyn slowly. “The memory of war can sometimes…affect me,” She would keep awake in the middle of the night, and she would remember her dead cousin’s body being brought back from the Westfold and the terror of Grima Wormtongue eying her every move. She shuddered but a warm embrace brought her back to the present.

“You’re safe with me now,” said Faramir and he embraced her and kissed her forehead gently. “You have nothing to fear. We came back and defeated the shadow.”

“Yes we did and I am so glad for that but sometimes, sometimes…” Eowyn trailed and tears formed in her eyes. She felt overwhelmed at times and the sorrow caused by the War and then coldness seeped back to the sword hand that slayed the Witch-king.

“I vow to you to protect you every moment I can,” Faramir said adamantly and he was concerned for his betrothed. He was worried about Eowyn and about these dreams she was having. 

That night, Faramir was at Eowyn’s bedside till she fell asleep. He almost fell asleep as well stroking her golden hair for it brought comfort to himself. Eowyn did talk in her sleep too and every time she did so, Faramir would be sure to stroke her to calm her down and say words of solace. He even kept some athelas to help aid Eowyn back to consciousness for fear of the Black Breath. He kept an eye on her sword arm for fear that it may be cold but fortunately it wasn’t. Eowyn would blink open her eyes and fall back asleep as if content to know she was safe. Faramir kept his arms wrapped upon her.  He almost fell asleep but two hours after midnight, he thought it was safe to return to his quarters. He did this for three consecutive nights.

“Do you want to talk about your dreams, my dear?” The third morning of seeing Eowyn so restless, Faramir strolled alongside Eowyn after breakfast and his eyes were filled with worry and concern. “You spoke in your sleep last night and you woke frequently. How are you feeling?”

“I have had better nights but I am glad for your presence,” replied Eowyn evasively.

“Eowyn, be truthful to me like I am for you now. We must defeat the darkness together.” Faramir paused. How can he have Eowyn open up to him?  “Let me tell you about the last retreat.”

And then Faramir spoke about how he had no hope entering the attempt to retake Osgiliath and the Causeway Forts. “There was a tremendous despair that filled my heart and my father– he was so intent on not letting the Enemy win forth the Gate and sent me out with no …no blessing, not even a proper farewell. Only Mithrandir had asserted that he would remember me before the end. I had no hope left. No hope. And I was the captain of my men, Eowyn. What would they have thought of me?” Faramir felt tears enter his eyes but he had to continue to show Eowyn that they had to be strong since they had survived the worst.  “It has been a long time since I had any hope but it’s not something you want others to know. I feigned that this move was right since we all had to do our Lord’s bidding. I did not want to return if I failed. I felt like I had to leave it all out there.” Tears were starting to fall. “I led my men to a hopeless endeavor and I feel guilty for that.”

“Thank you for telling me this,” Eowyn wrapped Faramir into her arms tightly. “I am glad you were saved in the Houses of Healing by the King because you are so critical in your part in the next chapter of Middle-earth. Believe your worth for I see it.  Many of us see it. I also felt utter despair when I rode out with the Rohirrim, wanting to perish instead of return. For I have less worth and more to feel guilty about.”

“Now why is that, my love,” Faramir kissed Eowyn’s tears stained cheek. “Why do you feel guilty?”

“I wished I had done more for my cousin, my uncle, for my country but I always feel restrained and I am powerless to change that.”

“You’re the strongest woman I've met, slaying the mightiest enemy that has wrought havoc to us, more valiant than any man, and am glad that we can share our lives together. You have no reason to feel guilty,” Faramir kissed Eowyn gently.  “Let us not linger in the past….” Faramir calmed Eowyn and in turn felt less heaviness in his heart.

“You too, my love,” replied Eowyn, stroking Faramir’s cheek. “Especially when it comes to your father- Mithrandir is right. I am sure he remembered you before the end.”

Faramir felt a lump in his throat. He closed his eyes and smoke and fire seemed to pervade his consciousness.  “It is hard but …it’ll take time.”

“Yes, most things will take time, and I will be there for you at every turn,” Eowyn felt even more connected to Faramir and was hopeful despite her dark dreams. She held onto both his hands. Faramir was beside her, and she felt more hopeful than despairing and felt more certain of changing her life to be where Faramir was the right decision to make.  She loved him more and was certain of her decision to wed him.

They walked hand in hand and strolled along a winding road in Edoras. Eowyn had a meeting later in the day but she wanted to spend as much time with Faramir as she could. They talked more about the future then, their hearts craving healing more than despair of the past. They spoke about their future home and the wedding details they needed to plan. They relished in each other’s company and hoped to soon be wedded and live together.

Faramir had fallen in love more and more with Eowyn in Edoras and could not wait till when Eowyn could join him in Emyn Arnen.  He could feel like the hope in the world would have changed for the better at last in this very dark year.  The plan was that Faramir would work on their new home in Emyn Arnen, and Eowyn would plan an early winter trip there to see how the home was and prepare some wedding details in Gondor together.  She will stay in Gondor for several months till Spring when they’ll return to Edoras together to plan the wedding there as well. Faramir made ready to depart in early October back to Gondor with Imrahil and bid Eowyn to see him again in a month and a half so that she could spend some time in Minas Tirith and Ithilien.

“I will depart once I have set up Eomer’s kingdom and make sure he does not fail in the first month- there is a lot to organize after the war,” said Eowyn. “I hope to see you before mettare.”

“I understand. Take all the time you need but know that I will miss you until I see you again,” replied Faramir with a long kiss to Eowyn’s lips. He wanted to stay in Edoras, but it had been more than two months already and he wanted to see how Gondor was in his absence. He was not sure if Aragorn had returned, but he was eager to continue his duties. How he wished Eowyn would return with him, but he knew duty called first in their respective kingdoms.

“Please write,” said Faramir. “I will make sure to send errand riders with my messages so that it’ll reach you faster.” Faramir embraced Eowyn tightly.

“Don’t worry, I always write to you as well and we will be reunited soon, my lord,” replied Eowyn kissing Faramir upon his cheek and then lips.

Faramir felt it was harder to leave Edoras and Eowyn even more than when Eowyn had left Minas Tirith in May. However, he hardened his resolve and turned away and rode swiftly back home.

…

It took one week to return to Minas Tirith and once Faramir returned to the city, he saw that the city was indeed on the mend. There was less scaffolding in the first circle, trees were replanted, and designs were outlined on memorials being placed in the city. Faramir was glad for the progress. Autumn was a time of great progress, but he felt the chill of the air bring forth a season of unfamiliarity in which he needed to still navigate this new world without his family and with his own wits and common sense to guide him.

Aragorn had returned before Faramir by a month’s time and made sure to create the right leadership and to reorder the staff and council in ways he saw fit. He was glad that Faramir had returned in good spirits. He made sure to invite him to planning meetings for the new staffing. He also made sure to ask him to dine with him and Arwen whenever he saw the chance to.  Faramir was glad for these opportunities to bond with the new King and Queen.

Faramir returned in October to Minas TIrith, and Imrahil also parted from him for the time being. He had left Dol Amroth for a prolonged period, and he had to go back to see his own kingdom.

“Be well, nephew. Write to me often and remember I am near if you need anything.”

“Thank you, I will soon go to Ithilien to plan out my home there before it gets too cold and I will write to you. Thank you for all that you’ve done for me,” Faramir embraced his uncle. He would miss Imrahil, and he was serious about writing to his kin.

“That is what family is for! Remember that you are never alone. Be well!” Imrahil embraced Faramir in farewell. He departed from Edoras, and Faramir left to Minas Tirith. 

Finally, Faramir handled his family’s belongings and burned most of Denethor’s things but kept the ashes in a makeshift memorial he had made for him in one of the new gardens that were being enacted for those that did not have a proper burial or did not have a body to bury. Denethor and Boromir’s markers were placed in an area where more trees surrounded and all Gondorians knew the importance of marking their previous leaders appropriately. Faramir felt pangs of grief when he did this, but he knew that they were steps to move on.

He cleared out the rooms as best as he could. He was moving from there as well, and he was unsure of Aragorn’s plans for the old rooms of the House of Mardil, but he wanted to move to Ithilien soon. 

However, that night, old memories lingered in his dreams and he was sleepless again till very late. Fire and smoke seemed to swamp his dreams and he felt old pangs of anxiety mixed with fear. He wrote a letter to Eowyn to calm his nerves a bit and tried hard not to resort to his old ways of dealing with pain. He remembered Aragorn’s herbal remedies for him and made sure to brew some to aid his sleep.  He slept uneasily as the autumn chill quickly brought in winter. The weather turned cold and damp with rain almost every day.

 He would visit Belegion and also make sure the plans for the gardens in the second circle were well underway.  If he had time, he would also ride to Emyn Arnen to see how his new home was coming. He had to keep busy and keep the shadows away.

TBC