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Vairë Was a Weaver, or, Real Men Wear Corsets  by Celeritas

It took a while before either Pippin or Merry spoke as they returned to the building on the sixth circle that currently served as the hobbits’ home.  Each was too occupied with his own thoughts.

            Eventually, though, Pippin summoned the courage to interrupt his cousin’s pensive mood.  “Say, Merry—what’s on your mind?  You’ve been thoughtful since tea, and surely you can’t just be thinking about your stomach.”

            “Nothing is,” said Merry.  “Just a low feeling, I’m sure it will pass soon.”

            “Merry, something is on your mind, and it won’t go away by itself.  I should not have to tell you to live up to your name, especially now that the War’s over and all.”

            Merry was silent.

            “It’s Frodo, isn’t it?”  Pippin glanced over at Merry and saw the answer in his face.  He gestured over to a nearby bench.  “Sit?”

            Merry nodded, and the two hobbits hoisted themselves upon it.

            “Now, Merry, I usually get more than enough time in a day to be serious.  I call it ‘guard duty.’  However, whentwo of my friends are feeling downhearted, I start to worry.  And I don’t like to worry, Merry.  If Frodo is sad, or if he’s homesick, there’s not much we can do, except cheer him up.”

            “But that’s just the thing,” said Merry.  “These are some of the happiest times I ever could imagine, and all of a sudden he’s sad again.  It wasn’t just at tea, you know.  For the past few days he’s been like this—talking quite happily, and then suddenly turning the conversation away from himself and going.  And if he keeps on doing that, we can never find out what’s wrong.  It’s just…”  He sighed.  “I would have thought that he’d know by now that leaving us won’t help us in the least.”

            “And your staying glum about it won’t help him in the least.  Now, Merry, I want you to close your eyes and remember the last time you did something incredibly stupid.”

            “What?  I don’t understand how this is going to—”

            “Trust me, Merry.”

            “Oh, all right.”  Merry leaned back on the bench and closed his eyes.  “Hmm… letting you look into that cursed—”

            “No, Merry—something stupid you did, without my or anyone else’s assistance—before we left the Shire.”

            Merry thought for a long while.  “Well… at my last birthday party, I told one of your sisters—I think it was Pervinca—and Cousin Ilberic that they would make an excellent couple.”

            “And?”

            “The lass that Ilberic was courting walked by.”

            Pippin nearly fell off the bench with a snort of laughter.  “You hadn’t told me that one before.  How many ales had you had?”

            “Three.”

            “Three?  I’d need… oh, at least seven to make that kind of mistake!  But see, don’t you feel better now?”

            “Better now that you’ve laughed at me?  Certainly not.”

            “What if I had done something like that?”

            “Pippin, you do things like that.”

            “And?”

            “Yes, I laugh.”

            “That’s the point!  You see, Merry, you’re acting far too grown up for your own good.”

            “Pip, I am grown up.”

            “Of course you are, back home.  And here as well, I suppose, at least at war and all.  I know they keep on looking at me as if I’m some seasoned hobbit in his forties.  But at the same time…  Yes, what is it?”

            This last comment was directed to a little raven-haired girl who had toddled up to the bench and was insistently poking him on the knee.  She handed Pippin a white flower.  “For the pheriannath who did so much in the war.”

            “Thank you very much, lass,” said Pippin.  “And how old are you?”

            “Five.”

            “And is this just for me and Merry, or for all of us?”

            “All.”

            “Well, I shall be sure to show it to Frodo and Sam when I see them next.  You have a very kind heart.  Thank you.”  He watched as the girl scampered off, then turned back to Merry.  “See, that’s what I mean.  We’re famous here, but most of the people don’t know what to make of us.  I’d say this girl has come closest to giving an appropriate gift to a hobbit—I don’t know what I’m going to do with a set of cufflinks or a pair of leather boots back home.”

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll find something to do with them,” Merry muttered.

Pippin ignored him.  “And here, we don’t have our mothers hounding our every step.”

            “Pip, what are you getting at?”

            “Oh.”  Pippin looked abashed.  “I’m getting to it.  Anyway, what happens to Frodo, happens.  We can’t do much about it, as much as I hate to say so.  I’m sure he’ll be all right.  He’s just… itching to get home, is all, and to see Bilbo again.  I’m surprised he hasn’t brought it up to us yet—maybe he will tonight.  But if you worry, you’ll just make the problem worse.  I, for one, think he needs a good laugh, which brings me to the point I’ve been trying to get to for some time now: what do you think of this ‘dress’ business?”

            Merry blinked.  “At the moment, I’m feeling incredibly sorry for the men.”

            “And that’s because they’re going about it the wrong way, too.  But are you going to help?”

            “Yes.”

            “Good.  Éowyn and Faramir do need a chaperone.”

            “But how could that cheer Frodo up?  He hasn’t been at the court in days, and I, for one, would not find the sight of the King and Steward in ladies’ garb cheering.”

            “I see.”  Pippin looked at the flower and turned it around a few times.  “Well, really, that’s one of the minorgoals this might achieve.”

            “Pip, have you got another one of your ideas?”

            “Yes.”

            “And if I remember correctly, didn’t the last idea you had get us separated for eleven days and placed at opposite ends of a hopeless battle?”

            “I also saved Faramir’s life.”

            Merry heaved a sigh.  “What’s your idea?”

            “Well, truth be told, I’ve been feeling sorry for the men, too.  And we’re supposed to be attending them all day.  So I thought we might join their ranks.”

            “What?  Dress up like ladies?”

            “You will admit that seeing everybody’s reactions will be well worth the embarrassment.”

            “Pippin, are you sure Strider said you were all right after that troll fell on you?”

            Pippin grinned.  He was going to win this.  “Look at it this way, Merry.  Now that Strider’s a married man, Frodo wants to go home, and… well, I do, too.  But once we get home, we’ll have to start acting normal again.  Our parents are going to want to tie us down!   I don’t thinkmine will be too pleased that we left the Shire without so much as a ‘goodbye’—and we’ll have lasses to impress.  Our carefree days of youth will be over.”

            Merry coughed.  “Somebody’s will.”

            “Yours, too, Merry.  You’ve been acting far too responsible for your age.  This would be your last chance to do anything otherwise.  Besides, we wouldn’t have to do anything too drastic.  Just show everyone our hairy legs, and the whole court will run screaming.”

Merry cast Pippin a dubious glance.

“Merry, we know hardly anyone here—at least, not nearly the number of people we know back home.  We could always call it some strange hobbit custom, if you’rethat worried.”

            “You’re saying we’ll only get a chance to do something this crazy once?”

            Pippin nodded.  “Just think—you, me—a barrel of Dad’s finest pipeweed…”

            “You getting us caught because you couldn’t handle the smoke…”

            “It’ll be like the good old days.”

            “And this will cheer Frodo up?”

            “If not, he’ll be put into such a state of shock he’ll be forced to revise his behavior.”

            Merry looked around.  “I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this.”

            “Oh, come!  You know you’ll enjoy it.”  Pippin looked again at the flower, then tucked it behind his ear.  “How do I look?”

            “Smashing.  Come on—it’s getting late.”

            It was only when they got back to the house that the problem of finding anything that would fit occurred to them.





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