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Crickhollow March 1420  by Anso the Hobbit

PART THREE: Confrontation

As soon as he arrived at the Hall, Berilac went straight to the Master’s study where he found his father and uncle deep in conversation about how many of the ewes would give birth to lambs this year and how much wool they would be able to gather when the time came.

“Hullo,” Berilac said, and sat down on the other side of the large working table in the adjacent room to the study. The room was brightly lit with several lamps strewn about the enormous table and maps and sheets lay strewn about in what seemed like complete chaos. The table was large enough to seat maybe ten hobbits and was often in use when someone would study a map or plan.

“Hullo. How did it go?" Merimac smiled and looked up from his writing.

“Well I suppose. Merry forgot to bring the ice but other than that we got what they needed and it looks like they have settled in nicely. Pippin is doing much better and was out of bed today even if he’s still coughing somewhat."

“That is good news,” Saradoc said, looking up from the tables in front of him. When Berilac didn't meet his gaze and his smile didn’t reach his eyes the Master frowned and looked closely at him. "What's wrong, lad?"

Berilac shook his head. “I don’t rightly know, but there is something with Merry that I can’t quite put my finger to." Berilac explained about the accidents and Merry distracted mood and the unwillingness to tell what was wrong. "We used to have such an open relationship you know. We were almost like brothers before... well, before they went away. He's so changed that I'm not sure if he the same Merry as I grew up with. Leastways it seems he’s lost the merry part about him."

“Yes, he has at that. Oh, my poor lad,” Saradoc muttered and scrunched his face up sympathetically when he heard about how Merry almost chopped his toes off. "Doing that is enough to put him in a sour mood. Merry never likes it when he's not able to do what he put his mind to. I'm relieved to hear he’ll be all right.”

"How about Pippin," Merimac asked? “Did he explain what’s wrong with Merry?”

“He seemed to know what it is or at least he is more comfortable with Merry behaving this way but he didn’t tell me anything when I asked. I saw that they exchanged knowing glances a few times and I am sure that there is something they don't want to tell us.”

“Do you think he's ill?" Merimac asked concerned. “Is he eating enough?”

“Not ill. More troubled or worried, although he did look pale but I suppose that was more because of the pain in his foot than anything else. He’s eating fairly normal I would say. If he hadn’t it would have been too obvious that something was wrong and since he works so hard to hide it he would rather eat than have people worry about him."

“I'd better go up there tomorrow," Saradoc said decisively, his brow deeply furrowed in concern. "I did after all tell him we would go check in on them soon and it looks like they need us. I know it would take time for them to tell the full tale of what happened while they were away, but there is clearly something they want to keep for themselves and that's not good for either of them it seems. We might not understand everything that happened but we are family and they should know that we would do everything we can to help them," Saradoc said and looked at his brother and nephew. He shook himself of his revere and continued in a lighter tone. “You go see to your wife and that wee lass of yours now Berry. I'm sure they are waiting for your. Your father got quite an earful when your mum and wife learned what we had you do."

“Yes, Uncle,” Berilac said and rose. “I am sure they were quite put off. I’d better go soothe the ruffled feathers. Please let me know what I can do to help."

*****

After their nap Merry spent the rest of the day nursing a headache from going to bed while still drunk, but the brandy had helped on the pain and he could even wriggle his toes a bit now so he didn’t complain. It was after all better to have his foot complete with five toes and a headache than to have lost one or more toes. He sat with his foot on a stool and watched Pippin wander about the house going to and fro cleaning up after lunch and putting the chopped wood in the bins. Their banter was cheerful enough but he could not deny the tension in the air. He would have to talk to Pippin soon. He tried to read but the uneasiness that he felt earlier had settled further and he found that he couldn’t concentrate. When Pippin made tea Merry had a hard time eating and that the numbness in his hand had developed slightly in to a chill. He felt as if a heavy rain cloud hang above him constantly and no matter how much he tried to cheer himself up, it stubbornly stayed threatening above his head.

Pippin knew that it was no use forcing Merry to talk, but it didn't prevent him from trying to lighten his mood and get him to eat. He seriously considered sending for his Aunt and Uncle at the Hall and the healer, but knew that it would only make Merry angry if he went behind his back and the last thing Pippin needed now was for Merry's foul mood to explode into a fury. An angry Merry was one of the last things Pippin needed and the worst by far was if that legendary Brandybuck fury was righted at him. He couldn't stand it when Merry was angry with him. No, Merry needed to mull over his problems before he talked about them and presented them with a waterproof solution. But what if Merry was too unwell to come up with a solution like he was used to? Pippin suddenly thought and his heart skipped a beat, what if the Darkness came to claim him and Merry was too vulnerable to fight it? Pippin didn't have any athelas to bring Merry back, and Aragorn was too far away to help him. No if that was the case they would have to deal with on their own, in their own way. Now Pippin felt the need to talk to Aunt Esmie and Uncle Sara pressing on urgently. If Merry was to battle Darkness now, he would need all the help he could get.

So far the Darkness had not managed to claim Merry through his nightmares, however dreadful they were, and Pippin reminded himself of that Merry hadn't had any nightmares for weeks now and Pippin had not woken up to Merry’s screaming or trashing for some time. Maybe the Darkness had retreated and only left Merry with the chill in his arm and a bit of gloom because he was overwrought from his two accidents? But no, Merry was not that easily knocked over. He watched Merry closely as he puttered about the little house and saw to that there always was a bright fire on the hearth and a pot of tea at the ready if should Merry want any.

Supper was a silent affair and both of them retreated early to bed. Merry’s foot was slowly getting better and he hoped it would be well enough for him to stand on or even walk on the day after.

*****

The next day, Saradoc and Esmeralda knocked on the door at Crickhollow before Pippin had helped Merry hop to the kitchen for breakfast and he hurried to answer the door with his weskit open and shirt only half-buttoned.

“Hullo!” He said cheerfully and received a hug from each of them. “You two are up and about early. Come in! I’ve just put the kettle on. Please, make yourselves comfortable.” Pippin felt a bit odd being the host but his Aunt and Uncle only smiled and went into the kitchen.

“We had an early first breakfast and thought we might share second with you,” Saradoc said and put a basket smelling of freshly baked bread down on the kitchen table.

Pippin peeked into the basket and smiled approvingly to what he found there. “This smells good. I'll go see if Merry is ready then," Pippin said and went to his cousin's bedroom.

“How are you feeling? Do you think you’ll manage?" he asked a few minutes later, searching Merry's face for weariness and signs of distress.

“Of course I’ll manage! My toes still hurt but I'm not an old gaffer you know!" Merry put on a look of mock indignation and was well aware he didn't answer Pippin's real question. He’d had a restless night but the nightmares still stayed away. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry Pip,” he said when Pippin arched an eyebrow and started to reach out for his hand.

“You could do with a walking stick though,” Pippin muttered under his breath as he carried the bulk of Merry’s weight and tried not to wince as his ribs were hard pressed to carry more weight than they could manage. Merry pinched him and Pippin yelped and almost lost his hold of Merry.

“Ha!" Merry said, but shifted his weight so that Pippin bore less of it.

“Oh, Merry!” Esmeralda said when she saw how Merry limped. "Berilac told us what happened.” She referred from telling them what else Berilac had said. They had talked about it and would let the lads talk in their own time unless things became dire.  “How is your foot?” She hugged him fiercely and did a cursory exam as only a mother can, just as she had done when hugging Pippin a little earlier. They both looked all right and except from his foot and finger Esmie could not see anything wrong with her Merry. Except… there was a shadow in his eyes. He smiled but it didn’t quite light up those bright blue eyes as it normally did.

“It’s fine," Merry said. "It doesn't hurt so much now and the swelling has gone down somewhat, thanks to Berilac and Pippin's quick reactions. It’s still a bit difficult to put weight on it though." Merry sent Pippin a grateful smile. It suddenly dawned on him that he hadn't actually thanked him for what he had done. “Thank you Pippin for taking such good care of me.”

"You’re welcome,” Pippin smiled.

“Now," Merry said in a stern voice and looked at his parents. “Berilac told me – after some persuasion – why he was so eager to help me with that wagon. If you were worried, couldn't you just have come to us personally?"

Saradoc sighed. “I'm sorry Merry. We are thinking about how the both of you are managing here and we know about the nightmares and restless nights you both have. I know you told us that is why you needed to live here together to get through things on your own without the family constantly watching over you, but do you count us out then?" He looked at Esmie who seemed to be about to cry.

“Oh, Mum!” Merry rose as quickly as his hurt foot allowed and came round the table to hug her. “Of course we don't rule you out."

“It’s just that this is difficult for us too," Pippin continued for him and grasped Esmie’s hand and squeezed it.

Saradoc nodded. “I know my lad, I know. You two have a way of communicating that doesn’t always need words and that is a boon." He reached over the table and took Pippin's free hand in his own, Esmie reached out to embrace Merry tighter. "Lads," he looked from one to the other. “Esmie and I love you very, very much and we do worry. Pleas tell us what we can do to help. We understand you need time alone to deal with what happened during your journey but please also remember that we are here as well as Tina and Paladin, Pippin, and we only want what's best for you."

“Mum, Da,” Merry said and reached a hand out to Saradoc. “I love you very much too. Thank you for understanding.” Pippin rose and walked over to his Aunt.

“We both love you and am very grateful for all you’ve done for us. It is true. We need time to deal with things, but I promise. We will come to you when we need it.”

“I only hope you know when you need it then,” Esmie said through her tears.

“We will, Mum,” Merry said. He hugged her fiercely and suddenly laughed. "Come on now, you've brought lots of lovely food and here we're letting it go to waste."

“That’s a lad who’s got his priorities right,” Saradoc laughed and poured more tea for them all.

*****

The morning flew past in enjoyable conversation and Merry was relieved that his parents had let their concerns rest for now.

“So,” Sara said after the washing up was done and they had retreated to the parlour. "How are you lads managing keeping a house? It looks like you’ve done a decent job so far."

“We’re doing just fine, Uncle,” Pippin said cheerfully and not with a little sauce and started a long tale about how they were getting on. “Although” he said when he was finished, “I think I will do the chopping of firewood from now on.”

Merry couldn’t help but laugh at that and saw the worried crease on his father's brow ease up and some of the worry being replaced with joy in his mother's eyes. He sent them a bright smile. The numbness in his hand was almost gone now and he felt a joy he hadn't felt in days. Had he even smiled since Berilac left? He looked at Pippin. Bless him! That lad knew how to cheer Merry up, even if it only was for show to keep his parents from worrying.

Saradoc had brought with him the planting plans for the spring since Merry hadn't been able to come down to the Hall and time flew past as they poured over the detailed maps of the fields. Merry plunged into it with such energy that Pippin and Saradoc exchanged puzzled glances but Pippin nodded firmly and Saradoc relaxed.

They had filled up the corners after a lovely supper Esmie had made out of the numerous provisions they had brought and it was quite late before they rode back to the Hall. Merry and Pippin promised to come down to see them soon and hugged them goodbye.

“Well,” Merry said and stretched “what do you think?” He sat back in his chair and peered closely at his offended toes. They seemed almost back to normal now. He hoped he would be able to gain full use of his foot again tomorrow.

“What do I think about what?” Pippin said and filled his pipe.

Merry sighed. “Do you think we managed to fool them?”

Pippin turned to him with a surprised look. "Fool them?"

Merry nodded.

“No,” Pippin said. “They aren’t fooled that easily I think. But you did put up a fine show so I would say they are content for now."

“Good,” Merry said. "I don't want to go behind their backs of course, it's just... I can't handle all the questions and tales needing to be told just now. Pippin," he turned to face Pippin and Pippin gasped a little at the raw and earnest expression he saw in Merry's face. The blue eyes were filled with tears and he looked ragged. Merry sighed heavily and cast his eyes down in defeat. "I am ready to talk now."

Pippin smiled relieved and hugged Merry tight before going to the hearth to put more wood on the fire. "Good! I’ll put the kettle on. It won’t hurt with a mug of tea and a late snack, do you think?"

Merry laughed. “My dear ass! Trust you to think of food in every situation. Go find that snack and bring some of that excellent jam Mum brought if you please, and that soft cheese too.”

*****

Merry nibbled on his cheese and took a long drink of the fragrant tea. He kept the mug in his hands and looked at Pippin for a long time before he spoke. Pippin had made sure the room was bright and warm and several candles were lit on the tables about the chairs where they sat before the fire. "Pippin," he began, but stopped and the silence stretched out between them.

“Merry?” Pippin ventured quietly, reaching for Merry’s hand and squeezed it. “It’s all right.”

That seemed to bring Merry out of his thoughts again and he looked at Pippin. “Are you sure you are well? Are you tired or do you want a blanket? You haven’t been coughing much today but I don’t want you to catch a chill.”

“Merry!” Pippin laughed. “You sound like an old gammer. Yes thank you, I am just fine. I can breathe without even the slightest twinge or tickling in my chest now." He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly to demonstrate.

“How is Frodo doing do you think? We haven’t got a letter in a while now. We should go visit." Merry asked suddenly when they had finished laughing. He knew he was a mother hen at times but he couldn't help it.

Pippin hid his surprise at this sudden change of topic but nodded gamely. “Yes we should. We'll write him tomorrow. The Cottons are a lovely family so I warrant he's doing just fine, At least on that account," he decided and lathered another biscuit with butter and jam.

Merry understood what he meant and the silence stretched out between them again. Merry shifted a bit in his chair and filled his mug with more tea, even if it was half-full already. "All right," he said, making his mind up.

Pippin looked up and put his half-eaten biscuit down on the plate. “Yes, Merry?”

“I've been feeling…uneasy lately. I’m not quite sure what it is but I have a feeling it has to do with," he searched for the right word, "the Shadow."

“I thought as much,” Pippin nodded approvingly.

“But why? I haven’t had nightmares in weeks and we are home with our families and friends again. We've chased out the Ruffians and the Shire is well on its way back to normal. It will take time of course, but I was hoping that it would be over now." Merry sighed.

“I honestly don’t know,” Pippin said. “I was hoping that once we were back and things settled back to normal again that the nightmares and memories would go away, or at least diminish. What about your hand?”

“What about it?”

“Don’t play with me Merry. It is chilly and I know you can't use it properly. I have seen you, and I am not only talking about the knife the other day. You fumble when you cut your food and I haven't seen you write a word in days."

“I'm sorry. It is a little numb, you are right. But it doesn't feel cold to me."

“Well, I can certainly feel the cold,” Pippin said and took Merry’s hand between his own, chafing it a little. "It feels as if you have been out on a cold winter day without wearing mittens or gloves."

"Curious,” Merry said and took his hand back. He folded his left hand around the right and felt along the palm and fingers.

“I suppose you don’t feel it the same way as others do because it is your own hand. I think it has something to do with your body heat or some such. That's at least the explanation I got once when I couldn't feel how cold I was after being playing outside for too long. You feel it differently when it is your own body."

Merry nodded. “Yes, I remember we talked about this in Minas Tirith. Remember, Frodo felt his missing finger but we couldn’t quite understand that. Aragorn called it phantom pain or something like that. This isn’t quite the same of course, but I remember that each time the Shadow has threatened to claim me, I have felt warm - almost feverish -”

“You were feverish,” Pippin put in.

“- in all parts except from my hand and arm which were achingly cold." Merry thought a bit. He didn’t feel achingly cold or feverish now. “But I don’t feel like that now,” he said.

“No. And you don’t look it either."

Both of them were lost in their thoughts for a while when Pippin yawned hugely. "We won't get all the answers to this today, but please Merry, tell me if you feel uneasy again or the numbness changes. We need to take care of each other, remember?”

“Yes,” Merry agreed gratefully, then hesitated. "Pippin, would you awfully mind..." Merry turned red and looked down at his lap "if we slept in the same room tonight?"

“You silly goose, of course I don’t mind. The beds are large enough for two and you are right. None of us should sleep alone after such a talk as we have had now. Come here, then." Pippin reached out his hand to Merry and Merry took it gratefully. Pippin pulled him up of the chair and drew him into a quick but heartfelt embrace. "You go get ready for bed and I'll be there in a minute."

Merry was almost asleep when he entered the bedroom after dousing the candles and banking the fires and he slipped into the bed beside him, wrapping his arms around Merry and putting his head on his shoulder. "Sleep now, Merry, you're safe with me." He blew out the lamp and closed his eyes. It had been a start at least. Merry had voiced some of his fears but they had not come to the bottom of this yet. Pippin grasped Merry's right hand between his own and started rubbing warmth into it. He heard Merry's breathing even out and a short while after Pippin was sound asleep himself.





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