Sharp Practice

‘I cannot believe,’ Elrohir said incredulously, ‘that you walked away from Daernaneth in one piece.’

Legolas looked down his nose disdainfully.  ‘Why should I not?’ he asked, choosing not to mention his early nerves.  ‘The trick played on you was unfair.’

‘So you will help us!’ Elladan pushed.  ‘It is only fair that those who relished our embarrassment should be embarrassed in their turn.  All we need is enough people to convince Adar that the use of those terms is widespread.’

Legolas looked at him.  ‘Tell me,’ he said gently, ‘when have you generally felt impelled to lapse into the secret tongue?’

Something in his tone fixed Elrohir’s attention on him.  ‘What do you mean?’ He paused.  ‘Battle,’ he listed on his fingers, ‘after – er – overindulging in wine, when horsing around, when under stress . . .  Why do you ask?’

‘And you indulge in these activities when you are alone?’

‘You are not saying that we are right to suggest that our private expressions have descended into public use, are you?’ Elladan grinned.  ‘That would be disconcerting.’

A reluctant laugh escaped their friend.  ‘In a way, Elladan.  I would not say that your original tormentors would recognise what various warriors of Imladris and Lothlórien are saying, though I have heard enough to suspect now where they picked up the words.’ He paused.  ‘But it was hearing the versions used by Elrin and his friends made me decide you had to know.’

‘How are people getting it wrong?’ Elrohir asked with interest.

‘It is all in the intonation, fool elf,’ Legolas said, his gruff tone clearly quoting his long-dead dwarven friend.  ‘Get it wrong and you will have a fight on your hands.’  He blinked a few times.  ‘You say what you were taught as you were taught it – but those who have repeated your mutterings have the cadences all wrong – they have made Khuzdul flow like Sindarin.  They are not saying the same thing at all.’

‘What do they say?’ Elladan asked. ‘And how is what my son says different?’

‘Short of asking Lord Aulë – and I doubt that would be wise – I doubt we will ever know,’ his friend shrugged, ignoring the second part of his question.

The twins exchanged grins.  ‘We could,’ they said.  ‘I am sure Lord Aulë would be glad to speak to one who is a dwarf-friend – and he would clearly be the best source of information.’

Legolas drew a sharp breath.  ‘And he is unlikely to take too kindly to the thought of elves taking the secret tongue and twisting it to their own liking.  I have no desire to set off a dispute amongst the Valar, whatever you descendants of Finwë might do!’

‘I think we are being insulted,’ Elrohir observed dispassionately.

‘But at least I am not suggesting that you should sup your ale from my boot,’ Legolas grinned.

‘So,’ Elladan returned to his original point with his usual obstinacy, ‘who shall we subvert to help us with our scheme?’

‘It has to be people to whom our connection is indirect.’ Elrohir stretched, glancing around him as the sound of water muffled their words.  ‘Too obvious and Glorfindel will know right away.  Friends of friends.  The sons of those who trained with us – or rode with us on patrol.’

‘I can think of one or two rather closer to home,’ Legolas said dispassionately, ‘whose garbled command of your words would have a rather stronger impact than most.’

Elrohir frowned.  ‘I am not,’ he said firmly, ‘dragging my daughters into this.  My wife would kill me – and I would be unable to blame her.’

‘They would not require dragging anywhere, my friend.’

In the silence that followed, the splashing of the water sounded like mocking laughter.

 ‘It is what impelled me to speak,’ Legolas admitted.

‘Then you, too, have known for some time that we were making fools of ourselves?’ Elladan frowned.

Legolas hesitated.  ‘Not in Ithilien,’ he said.  ‘I never heard you use the terms there – but recently.  When you broke your leg – but we were too anxious to get you to help for it to register then.  More recently, I have been listening for it – as the source of the bad language favoured by the young.’

‘That is it!’ Elrohir snapped.  ‘We will sound out some among our friends and have them use the worst expressions we can think of in company that will understand each word – and then permit our children to expose their vocabulary to their illustrious grandparents and great grandparents – and make it plain that it is up to them to deal with it.  They have made asses of us long enough.’

‘But we do not want to look foolish,’ Elladan warned.  ‘If we try to set up a plot and fail to implement it our elders will never be convinced to take us seriously.’

His brother snorted.  ‘They have been hoarding this joke against us since before we reached our first century, my twin.  I doubt that we have much to worry about – they are never going to look on us as rational adults.’

Legolas laughed.  ‘I would not bother trying to come up with a plot, my friends,’ he said.  ‘You have enough problems ahead of you on this matter without creating more.’