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A Shire Sketchbook  by Baggins Babe

It has long been acknowledged that hobbits invented the smoking of pipeweed, the sandwich, the proper brewing of truly drinkable ale, the game of golf, umbrellas, and birthday cake. What is less well-known is that hobbits were the first to play the game known to them as 'wickets' and in the outside world as cricket.

       How do we know this? Cricket is a sport in which a match can last between one and five days and each day's play is interrupted for lunch and afternoon tea. No self-respecting hobbit is going to play a sport which lasts all day without at least two meal breaks - or three when played in Tuckborough during the time of Thain Peregrin, who demanded elevenses half an hour after a match began. At first only hobbits played the sport, in the Shire and the lands around Bree, but gradually Men began to take up the challenge. In the Fourth Age it was common in Rohan and Gondor and by the reign of King Eldarion it was being played in Harad and Rhun. The Dwarves played it with gusto and (so it is rumoured) the Elves did so too, with matches between the Greenwood and Erebor lasting a full five days. It is even believed by some to have found its way to the Blessed West, where cries of 'Howzat!' and 'Whip his bails off!' can still be heard. Legend has it that Olorin himself takes up the role of umpire at such times, and even the boldest of the Eldar do not argue when he raises a finger in stern dismissal.

       The fielding positions for cricket sound so outlandish that many people say that only a Took could have thought of them - silly point; silly mid-on; fine leg, deep fine leg, short leg, gully, extra cover and the slips. The Tooks say the Brandybucks are responsible for most of these, and the Brandybucks assert that the Bagginses are the ones to blame. Naturally the Bagginses simply smile charmingly and modestly say nothing.

       The most important match in the Shire was always the annual battle between the Tooks and the Brandybucks, with the location alternating between Tuckborough and Buckland. It was held on Second Lithe and all the Shirefolk were agreed that the Tooks were the most inventive players and the Brandybucks the most competitive.

       It is said that folk in the Breelands and the Shire still talk in hushed whispers about the match which was played in Tuckborough in 1409 SR, famous for producing the greatest display of spin bowling ever seen in Middle-earth and the sight of Bernigard Took fleeing for the pavillion with his breeches round his ankles. However, no-one ever said the Took v Brandybuck wickets match was a boring affair.

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       Meriadoc Brandybuck woke early and padded to the window to see what sort of weather the day would bring. The sky was rather overcast and there had been rain during the night. Merry sighed. He was shaping up to be a good medium-pace bowler and his uncle Merimac was the best fast bowler in the Shire but they needed a hard, dry wicket. Damp and overcast was not good news. The only ones to profit from these conditions were the spin bowlers......... Merry grinned. The Brandybucks had the finest spin bowler in Eriador. Perhaps it would be a good day after all.

       Merry tapped on the door and waited. A soft voice called 'Come in' and Merry peered round the door. His cousin was looking out of the window, where the rose garden looked damp and rather drooping.

       "Reckon you'll have fun with the wicket today, Fro!"

       "I think it should turn very nicely. It's time we gave the Tooks a thumping." He grabbed his robe and they set off for the bathing room, animatedly discussing tactics for the day.

       The dining-room was full of eager hobbits eating or about to eat. Merry surveyed the gathering, grinning at Pip and those he loved. As his gaze travelled across the room he scowled at the sight of Bernigard Took. Berni may have been a Took by name but he took after his mother, who was a Clayhanger. Lavinia beamed at her son and glared at the upstart Brandybuck, who returned it with an insolent look. Lavinia was already showing signs of the same excessive weight gain as her great-aunt Lalia.

       "That's right, Berni darling, eat a good breakfast!" she trilled. " At least you look like a proper hobbit." She flickered a contemptuous glance at Frodo as she made the remark. The Brandybuck whelp was abnormally slim for a hobbit and she could never understand why he was so popular with so many of his relations. Most of the younger generation fawned over him and the family heads, or those who would one day hold such exalted positions, treated him with affection. The worst, in Lavinia's eyes, was Esmeralda Brandybuck, born a Took with auburn hair and a fiery temper to match. Lavinia had always been wary of Esme, who was one of the Old Took's descendants and capable of giving someone 'The Look' whenever she thought they deserved it. Esme regarded herself as Frodo's mother and had always defended him stoutly against anyone, particularly Lalia, Lobelia and Lavinia - 'the Loathesomes', as she called them. At least Lalia was no more - she had died seven years before when her wheeled chair rolled down the steps of Great Smials, and was mourned by no-one, not even her son Ferumbras.

       "Ignore her - she's a hag," Merry whispered to Frodo as they stood by the sideboard filling their plates. "And Berni's a puffed-up slob."

       Frodo grinned. "Bilbo never liked her. She's such a huge snob."

       They made their way to a table. Merry happened to glance down and spotted Berni's foot sticking out. It looked as though he was hoping Frodo would fall over it. Without faltering, Merry nudged his cousin slightly to one side and then stepped heavily on Berni's outstretched foot. There was a satisfying yelp.

       "What's the matter, lad? Bitten your tongue?" boomed Thain Ferumbras, who had seen everything. "You should eat more slowly." He glared at Berni's mother who was fussing over her son. "Stop fannying around, Lavinia! You'll make a lass of him." He hurrumphed loudly and then muttered, "Lad's a ninny," in what he considered to be an undertone.

       Pippin had watched the action with interest and considerable indignation but he found the Thain's intervention extremely entertaining.

       "What was that about?" Frodo enquired of Merry, settling himself next to Esme.

       "Just Berni being obnoxious as usual," his cousin replied. "He was trying to trip you up. Probably wants you out of action for the match today. You need to watch him, Fro."

       Frodo shrugged. "I've dealt with nastier customers than Berni. I'll keep my eyes open."

       "If he lays a finger on you I'll have him scrubbing out the privvies for a month!" snapped Eglantine, fire flashing in her grey eyes.

       "Now that I would like to see!" crowed Pippin. He was holding his fork rather awkwardly in his right hand, his left arm still in a sling following an accident three weeks before. He had descended a tree faster than he went up it, landing heavily, breaking his collarbone and dislocating his shoulder. It was much better and he wished he could remove the sling but his mother was following the healer's instructions to the letter. Pippin was very disappointed not to be taking part in the match but none of his begging and pleading worked on this occasion..

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       At last the players were ready, all dressed in their white trousers and shirts, and they took to the field. Saradoc won the toss and elected to bat first, confident that there would be more rain before the afternoon was too old. He and Merimac took to the wicket first and were soon making solid progress until Mac impetuously whacked the ball to Reginard Took at deep fine leg and was given out.

       Frodo marched out to join his cousin. He batted cautiously for a while, until his eyes were adjusted to the light levels and he was seeing the ball well. Then he began to punish the Tuckborough bowling, hitting long sweeping strokes out to the boundary. Saradoc dug in at the other end and between them they added nearly a hundred runs before the umpire signalled lunch.

      Berni ran up and threw the ball as hard as he could. Fortunately the wicket was still rather damp and had little bounce, otherwise it might have hit Frodo in the face. He defended the more vulnerable parts of his anatomy with his bat and glared at the bowler, muttering something in Elvish which clearly was not complimentary. Paladin, a sporting and fair hobbit, was not pleased either, and added his glare to Frodo's. Berni chose to ignore both of them and sent down another spiteful and vicious delivery.

       At that Paladin put his furry foot down and reprimanded Berni clearly and in front of the players and the crowd.

       "That's it, Da, tell him off!" yelled Pippin, incensed.

       "Stop bullying him!" Lavinia shouted at Paladin..

       "The lad's being an unsporting bully!" said the Thain loudly. "Sit down, Lavinia! You're blocking the view."

       Pippin buried his face in his hands to stifle his howls of laughter. Blocking the view! She almost blotted out the sun with her great bosom and huge backside. His mother coughed delicately into her handkerchief and Esme clamped her lips together until she went red in the face. Lavinia subsided like a deflated ball, her chair creaking ominously. Pippin was hoping it would give way at some point during the day, just to add to the entertainment.

       Berni stomped sullenly back and ran up to launch a more ordinary delivery. Frodo clouted it hard and it flew along the ground and over the boundary for an automatic four runs. The Brandybucks cheered and even the Tooks applauded because it would be unsporting not to. Another ball and this time Frodo hit it up in the air and clean over the boundary ropes for a six. Berni lobbed the next one down as hard as he could but this time Frodo was ready and smashed it out through a group of lunging fielders for another four.

       With the Brandybucks on one hundred and sixty-four runs and the sky darkening ominously, Saradoc declared and they all ran for the pavillion as the heavens opened. The Thain opened a huge umbrella and sat puffing on his pipe, chuckling at the view of Lavinia lumbering for shelter.

       Berni lounged moodily on the pavillion steps, trying to attract his mother's attention. Picking her way fastidiously through the puddles, she puffed up and gazed at her son.

       "Yes, my precious lad?"

       "I want my other trousers. These ones are grubby - they have grass stains and dirt from the ball."

       "I'll have them fetched at once, darling!" she trilled.

       The players were having an early cup of tea and some sandwiches while they waited for the ground to dry a little. Pippin darted in and grabbed some food and hurried out again, where he met Myrtle Proudfoot, one of the parlourmaids, on the steps.

       "Hullo Myrtle. What're you doing out here?"

       "Good afternoon Master Pippin. Missus Lavinia asked me to bring Master Berni's clean trousers over. She's just drying off. Where shall I put them?"

       Pippin showed her the changing room and then wandered off outside. He was bored with waiting and ambled behind the pavillion, into the little wood. He liked to watch the birds and squirrels and look for mushrooms which grew in abundance in the shady dampness.

       His reverie was interrupted by a sharp pain in his foot. He glanced down and noticed a large group of soldier ants hurrying to and fro. One had sunk its huge mandibles into his ankle.

       "Ow! You are an angry lot, aren't you?" He knelt down and peered at the scurrying creatures, fascinated. Theye were carrying a big fat grub back to their nest and they moved in a vey organised manner. Pip wished that Merry and Fro were here - Fro would know all about them and Merry would make up funny stories about that they were doing.

       Another sharp pain in his foot and Pippin had an idea. He slipped his arm out of the sling and rummaged in his pocket for the little box he carried, to collect interesting things. With the aid of some sugar, and only a few bites for his troubles, Pip managed to persuade several ants into his box, and then he made his way steathily back to the pavillion. The players were filling up the corners and no-one noticed him as he slipped into the changing-room, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

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       From the moment the players took to the field after the rain it was clear that Frodo Baggins had the Tooks in his sights. He had the knack of putting a peculiar spin on the ball, causing it to swing erratically, often at the last minute. Batsmen were so badly deceived that they either missed the ball completely or edged it to an eager fielder. Six of the Tooklands' finest had already departed, most without scoring at all. Reginard and Paladin had managed thirty-five runs before Reggie flailed at a particularly devious delivery, missed and was clean bowled. It was time for Bernigard to take to the wicket.

       Frodo nodded at the new batsman and waited while Berni prodded the pitch in front of him. When he seemed satisfied, Frodo made his short trot round the umpire and lobbed the ball with a quick flick of his wrist. As he did so Berni seemed to jump slightly, missed the ball and it bounced harmlessly through to Merimac behind the wicket. He tossed it back to Frodo and the process began again.

      As Frodo turned to make his run Berni wriggled. Frodo paused and narrowed his eyes.

       "Are you alright, Berni?"

       "I'm fine, thank you," he snapped.

       Frodo shrugged and bowled another unplayable ball. Mac grinned and threw it back. Saradoc moved a couple of his fielders and signalled to Frodo that he was ready.

       It was said that Fosco Baggins had been the first one to invent the googly - which swung the opposite way to the usual spin delivery and was virtually impossible to deal with. Bilbo and Drogo inherited the talent but in Frodo it reached new heights.

       Berni jigged and shimmied just as Frodo was about to bowl the third ball of the over. Sighing, Frodo pulled up and looked hard at the unfortunate Took.

       "Too much starch in your drawers?" he enquired, causing a loud snigger from Merry at second slip.

       "Very funny.....ow!" Berni smacked at his hip and waved his hand at his opponent.

      "Jumping about as though he had ants in his drawers!" the Thain grumbled.

       Frodo's next delivery was positively cruel. It dipped low, swinging first one way and then another. Berni prepared to swing his bat when he let out an anguished shriek, stumbled backwards and sat on the stumps.

       Umpire Willl Whitfoot raised his finger in dismissal but Berni was to busy twisting and wriggling to notice. he slapped frenziedly at his behind and leg, and then fled towards the pavillion, unfastening his trousers as he went. Cheers rang around the ground as his cricket whites pooled around his ankles, revealing his underwear to all and sundry.

       Paladin, who had witnessed all this from the other end of the wicket, was biting his lip. Merry was rolling on the ground in hysterics, Saradoc was doubled over and Frodo was almost helpless. It took some minutes for order to be restored. Grimbold Took strode out to take Berni's place and the match re-started. Two balls later Grimbold was trudging back to the pavillion without adding any runs.

       The procession continued and suddenly it was all over. The Tooks were all out for forty-two runs and Frodo had taken all ten wickets for only twenty-six runs. He was carried shoulder-high by the victorious Brandybucks and paraded round the field.

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       Bernigard did not put in an appearance during tea. Nor did Lavinia, who had stormed from the field when her son was dismissed.

       "Turns out he really did have ants in his drawers," said Ferumbras. The healer says he has some very nasty bites on his backside. He certainly won't be sitting down to meals for a few days."

       "How in the Shire did they get there?" Saradoc asked, helping himself to another pasty.

       Paladin shrugged. "There's dozens of ants' nests in the woods out there. They come in here after the sugar in the kitchen."

       "Berni always has a pocket full of sweets - perhaps the ants discovered those. The wickets were falling so fast he must have dressed in a hurry and not noticed," said Merry.

       Frodo said nothing but he gave Pippin a long hard look, and received a charmingly innocent smile in return.





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